People send me stuff. This list of 20 intelligent jokes with a smattering of science and engineering jokes is worth sharing.
Some won’t get all of them, for example, I have no idea what #1 is about…the rest, are just entertaining.
People send me stuff. This list of 20 intelligent jokes with a smattering of science and engineering jokes is worth sharing.
Some won’t get all of them, for example, I have no idea what #1 is about…the rest, are just entertaining.
I have a friend who’s a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac. He lays awake at night wondering if there is a Dog…
There are two types of people – those that divide people into two types and those that don’t.
Physicists are known to be good at problem solving, even out of their primary domain. Researchers at a state agricultural college are having difficulty getting their herd of cows to produce more milk, so they call in a world-famous theoretical physicist to see if he can help out. They take him on a tour of the farm, and the physicist carefully measures the length and width and height of several cows, examines their feed, samples a glass of their milk, muttering “Hmmm, hmmm, ah yes, I see…” all of the while. He then disappears for three weeks, presumably applying his Great Brain to their problem.
One day, without warning, he returns, smiling, and calls all of the agricultural researchers into their auditorium. They dim the lights and he puts up the first slide of his (approximate) solution while intoning “We will begin by assuming a spherical cow, located in a vacuum far from all other cows…”:
http://www.redbubble.com/people/ajwelsh/works/7005746-spherical-cow?p=sticker
A programmer’s wife says to him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
John Edward Voelker 9 July 12:25
#1 is the theme song from the TV series Batman, starring Adam West, in the 60’s.
Greg says:
July 8, 2014 at 11:48 pm
Hoser says:
July 8, 2014 at 11:01 pm
One physicist tells his colleague, “We’ve determined the core temperature of the star gamma Draconis is 50 million degrees.” The other physicist replied, “Oh, really? Is that Kelvin or Celsius?”
=====
A physicist would know that it’s not kelvin because there are no “degrees kelvin”. He would also know not to use capitals when spelling kelvin and celsius.
A real physicist would know that since the data is given to 1 sig fig it’s irrelevant whether it’s in Kelvin or Celsius, he or she would also know that Kelvin and Celsius should both be capitalized as per the SI system.
http://physics.nist.gov/Pubs/SP811/sec06.html
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are all on their way to a science conference being held in a remote castle in Scotland and find themselves sharing a compartment on the only train that leads to the region. As the train winds its way through the lonely hills, they observe that the hillsides are often occupied with sheep, as wool is a staple of the local economy. Suddenly, the engineer sees that mixed in with all of the white fluffy sheep, high up on the mountainside, there is a single black sheep.
“Look,” says the engineer. “They have black sheep in Scotland!”
“Well,” says the physicist, looking out the window, with a slight sneer in his voice, “you mean — to be more precise — that they have at least one black sheep in Scotland.”
The mathematician (who was spending most of his time sitting and mumbling to himself about Banach-Tarski sets while eyeing the single dollar bill that he’d brought for his expenses with a pair of scissors in his hand and roll of tape in his pocket) glanced up for a moment. Then his eyes dropped back to the bill, and as he prepared to make the first cut he replied, “Actually, there is at least one sheep in Scotland that is black on at least one side…”
I prefer cruder humor:
How do elephants make love in the pool?
They pull down their trunks.
I had an elderly friend once, called Marc Hyam, who always wore a red hat….well surely you have heard of the ruby hat of old Marc Hyam?
A farmer recently passed away. He willed his 17 cattle to his 3 sons. The oldest son was to receive half of the cattle, the middle son was to recieve a third of the cattle and the youngest son to recieve one-ninth of the cattle. Half of 17 is 8.5 (!). The bothers argued and argued about how to divide the cattle. Finally, an uncle arrived with a cow. The eldest son got 9, the middle son 6, and the youngest got 2. Then the uncle took his cow back.
A priest, an MD and an engineer are playing golf with an official from the club. The first three are getting more and more annoyed with the foursome ahead of them, who take an inordinate amount of time at each hole. The club official asks them to be patient, explaining that two of the group ahead are ex-firemen who were blinded fighting a fire at the club. In gratitude, the club takes them out for a free round whenever they want to go, and of course, they play slower than normal. The priest says, “I feel terrible about complaining. Those men are heroes. I’ll make sure to say a mass for them.” The MD says, “I’ve been doing some research lately into eye injuries, and I’m going to bring them to my office and see if I can help them.” The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Two engineers were riding bikes through the park during lunch break when one said, ”Great new bike, where did you get it?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was sitting, eating my lunch on that park bench over there, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She tossed the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The second engineer, impressed, said, “Good choice; the clothes would never have fit.”
As an engineer, I know this to be a true story . . . somewhere. . . at some time!
Dan
Batman on the motorway,
Lorry coming other way,
Flatman, flatman, flatman.
Pointman
I tried some of these on my pet physicist. He started explaining what plagiarism was and got accused of having Asperger’s. Then he said, “Union-ized” and got ridiculed. It’s not easy living with Muggles.
Polish Joke:
A Pole is lost in the desert about to die of thirst. He finds a lamp and in desperation rubs it. To his surprise a Genie appears and offers him three wishes.
He thinks for a while and says ” I would like a Chinese Horde to ravage Poland please?”. The Genie is stunned but obeys. He asks to be given a second wish hinting at water, money and travel.
The Pole thinks even longer and says “Actually I would like another Chinese Horde to ravage Poland please?” The Genie is incredulous and protests but ultimately obeys.
“So this is your final wish” says the Genie “Think of your predicament!” After an age lost in thought the Pole says: “Really, I would like another Chinese Horde to ravage Poland, please”
The Genie loses his rag and and asks why the Pole wants all these Chinese horsemen to ravage his native country. “Simple” says the Pole. “For three Chinese Hordes to get to Poland and back they would have to cross Russia six times!”.
Pavlov is enjoying a drink after work. The phone rings. He jumps up shouting, “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”
…. and the engineer knows the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Here’s a joke….Things to come…
(Fen Beagle Cartoon)
http://fenbeagleblog.wordpress.com/2014/07/09/things-to-come/
These are from a contest in Scientific American some time in the 80’s.
Universal Law of Dust: light dust only falls on dark objects and dark dust only falls on light objects
Johnson’s Law: everything takes twice as long as you expect, even when applying Johnson’s Law
On another front, 3 strings walk into a bar and are immediately thrown out as the bar bans strings. One string ties itself up, fluffs up an end then goes back in and sits at the bar. The bartender eyes it suspiciously and says “Are you a string?” To which the string answered “No, I’m frayed knot.”
An engineer and a mathematician had been asked to participate in a psychological study.
Each was asked to walk into a room in which there was a box of matches, a stack of kindling in a basket, a wood stove, a bucket of watter and a kettle.
Their task was to boil the water.
The engineer puts some kindling in the stove, lights it with a match, pours water from the bucket into the kettle, and places the kettle on the stove. Within a few minutes, the water in the kettle is boiling.
Alone in his own, identically equipped, room, the mathematician follows the precise same sequence.
In Part 2 of the study, the same engineer and mathematician were asked to complete the same task.
This time, however, when they entered their rooms, the water was in the kettle on top of the stove and the kindling was in the stove in a neat arrangement that would ensure a good fire.
The engineer struck a match and ignited the kindling.
The mathematician removed the kindling from the stove and put it in the basket, and poured the water from the kettle back into the bucket.
“There” he says, “I’ve reduced it to the previous case.”
Andrew N says:
July 8, 2014 at 10:32 pm
Americans, Burmese and Liberians don’t get that joke.
watter=water, of course. Watter’s up with that?
An infectious disease walks into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve infectious diseases here.” And the infectious disease says, “Well you’re not a very good host.”
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.” And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”