First, if you have not seen the Monty Python “dead parrot” sketch in your lifetime, before you read the satire from Christopher Monckton below, watch this video. Just click on the thumbnail at right.
Now the following will make a bit more sense from the satire context. YMMV.
An ex-theory – by Christopher Monckton
The Catastrophic Global Warming Theory is not just catastrophic: it’s catatonic.
So I says to my mate John Cleese – yes, he of the Monty Python Dead Parrot sketch – I says to go down the Pet Theory Shop to complain about it and demand our money back. The shopkeeper is such a nice Indian gentleman, name of Patchy Pachauri. He used to be a railroad engineer, but now he writes best-selling bodice-ripping hard-porn pot-boilers with catchy titles like Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change Fifth Assessment Report.
Cleese: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
Patchy Pachauri said nothing.
Cleese: ’Ello, Miss?
Patchy Pachauri: What do you mean, “Miss”?
Cleese: (pause) I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Patchy Pachauri: We’re closin’ for lunch in Bali.
Cleese: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this pet Theory what my government purchased not a quarter of a century ago from this very boutique.
Patchy Pachauri: Oh yes, the, uh, the Thermageddon Blues … What’s, uh … What’s wrong with it?
Cleese: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. It’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
Patchy Pachauri: No, no, it’s uh, … it’s just Pausing.
Cleese: Look, matey, I know a dead Theory when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
Patchy Pachauri: No, no, it’s not dead, it’s, it’s Pausing! Remarkable Theory, the Thermageddon Blues, innit, eh? Beautiful hokey-stick curves!
Cleese: The curves don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.
Patchy Pachauri: No, no, no, no, no, no! It’s Pausing!
Cleese: All right then, it’s Pausing. I’ll wake it up! (Shouting at a copy of the Fifth Assessment Report) ’Ello, Mister TERI Thermageddon Theory! I’ve got a lovely fresh climate sensitivity estimate for you if you show any signs of life.
(Pachauri slaps the report)
Patchy Pachauri: There, it moved!
Cleese: No, it didn’t, that was you hitting it!
Patchy Pachauri: I never!
Cleese: Yes, you did!
Patchy Pachauri: I never, never did anything of …
Cleese: (yelling and hitting the report repeatedly) ’ELLO, TERI! Testing! Testing! This is your eleventh-hour alarm call!
(Takes the report and thumps it on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Now that’s what I call a dead Theory.
Patchy Pachauri: No, no…..No, it’s just stunned!
Cleese: STUNNED?!?
Patchy Pachauri: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was wakin’ up! Thermageddon Blues stun easily, major.
Cleese: Um … now look … now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That Theory is definitely deceased, and when the Department of Energy, Climate Change and Silly Walks purchased it not a quarter of a century ago, you assured me and my fellow taxpayers that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out owin’ to a prolonged hiatus.
Patchy Pachauri: Well, it’s, it’s ah … probably hiding the decline.
Cleese: HIDIN’ THE DECLINE? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its trend-line the moment we all started spending billions on it?
Patchy Pachauri: The Thermageddon Blues prefers a flat trend-line! Remarkable Theory, innit, squire? Lovely curves!
Cleese: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Theory when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been predicting drastic global warming in the first place was that the whole thing had been made UP!
(pause)
Patchy Pachauri: Well, o’ course it was made up! If we ’and’t made that theory up, we could never ’ave jetted round and round the world having important meetings at everyone else’s expense. VOOM! Bali. VOOM! Cancun. VOOM! Hawaii. This theory has the VOOM! Factor.
Cleese: “VOOM”? Mate, this theory wouldn’t fly if you put four million fossil-fuel-generated, carbon-emitting volts through it! It’s bleedin’ demised!
Patchy Pachauri: No, no! It’s Pausing!
Cleese: It’s not Pausing! It’s passed on! This Theory is no more! It is deceased! It has ceased to be! It is on the Other Side! It’s off the rails and in the gulch. It’s expired and gone to meet its maker! It’s a stiff! Rigor mortis ’as set in. Bereft of life, it rests in peace! It’s not lost but gone before! It’s six feet under. It’s pushin’ up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now ’istory! It’s off the twig! It’s fallen off its perch! It is at one with the cosmos! It is with Eywa now. It’s kicked the bucket, it’s handed in its dinner-pail, it’s shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain, lined up its 72 virgins, collected its ’arp and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-THEORY!
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Lord Monckton,
You are Not alone in this quest and WE respect you!
“Listen. I didn’t want to work at East Anglia. I wanted to be a lumberjack.”
That explains the tree-ring fixation…..
no doubt Lord Monckton is celebrating. much congratulations to Farage & Co:
Ukip storms European elections
The UK Independence Party has won a national election for the first time,
taking the most votes and seats in the European Parliament elections…
The result was the first time since 1910 that a national election was not
won by either the Conservatives or Labour…
The Liberal Democrats were left in a humiliating fight for fourth place with
the Greens and narrowly averted the “shattering” loss of all their MEPs. …
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/ukip/10855972/Ukip-storms-European-elections.html
European Elections: UKIP Top British Polls
UKIP have topped the European polls in the UK, with the Labour Party vying
with the Conservatives for second place.
Sources from the other main parties have conceded Nigel Farage’s party will
win, with the leader hailing an “earthquake” in British politics.
The Lib Dems look on course to lose all but one of their 11 MEPs, with the
party coming in fifth place – after the Greens – in every region so far.
With 10 of 12 UK regions having declared, UKIP has 31.3% of the vote, the
Conservatives 24.9%, Labour 23.3%, the Greens 7.8% and the Lib Dems 6.9%.
There was a turnout of 36%.
http://news.sky.com/story/1268952/european-elections-ukip-top-british-polls
“First, if you have not seen the Monty Python “dead parrot” sketch in your lifetime,”
Do such people exist?
Isn’t it time for Patchy poopoo pachourina to state that he never wanted to be the top climate goon?
As he rips off his dirty lab coat, revealing a plaid lumberjack shirt and steps into a scene with lumberjacks, all singing together:
CHORUS:
He’s a lumberjack, and he’s okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin’
And have buttered scones for tea.
Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays ‘e goes shoppin’
And has buttered scones for tea.
I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women’s clothing,
And hang around in bars…”
The alarmed ones are mostly of the age, weaned on Gilbert and Sullivan, then finished with Monty Python.
Who knew such people would take satire as instruction.
Great sent up Lord Monckton.
As for poor warrenb, you be what?
You are so stupid as to assume Christopter Monckton speaks for us all?
Speaks to us yes.
With much appreciated wit and wordsmithing.
As for your obsession with Lordshiphood, most of us abandoned such idiocy over 200 years ago.
Get over yourself.
Fabulously entertaining. I laughed loud and long.
As many have said, almost any Monty Python sketch would fit the lunacy of CAGW.
For those who latch onto ad hominem nonsense about whether House of Lords regulations apply or not to the good lord…don’t you see how silly you look….very Monty Python-esque.
“…it is with Eywa now…” Very droll, Lord [Monckton]. 🙂 I’m most surprised not one this thread (?) lay note to your contemporary updating of the script….
Lord MONCKTON!- pardonez mois – I’m a Canuck, must be thinking “Down East”
I made a similar off take on Monty Python’s famous skit, “The Witch”, renamed “The Denier”
Leftist Mob: A Denier! A Denier! A Denier! We’ve got a Denier!
Grant hound #1: We have found a denier, might we burn her?
Leftist Mob: Burn her! Burn!
Pachauri: How do you know she is a Denier?
Grant hound #2: She looks like one.
Pachauri: Bring her forward.
Skeptic: I’m not a Denier. I’m not a Denier.
Pachauri: But you are dressed as one.
Skeptic: They dressed me up like this.
Leftist Mob: No, we didn’t… no.
Skeptic: And these aren’t my horns, they’re false ones.
Pachauri: Well?
CAGW grant hound #1: Well, we did do the horns.
Pachauri: The horns?
Grant hound #1: And the pitchfork — but she is a denier!
Leftist Mob: Burn her! Denier! Denier! Burn her!
Pachauri: Did you dress her up like this?
Leftist Mob: No, no… no … yes. Yes, yes,… a bit, a bit.
Grant hound #1: She has a PhD in Climatology.
Pachauri: What makes you think she is a Denier?
CAGW grant hound #3: Well, she turned me into a skeptic.
Pachauri: A skeptic?
Grant hound: ……I got better…..
Grant hound #2: Burn her anyway!
Leftist Mob: Burn! Burn her!
Pachauri: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are scientific ways of telling whether she is a denier.
Leftist Mob: Are there? What are they?
Pachauri: Tell me, what do you do with deniers?
Grant hound #2: Burn!
Leftist mob: Burn, burn them up!
Pachauri: And what do you burn apart from deniers?
Grant hound #1: More deniers!
Grant hound #2: WOOD!
Pachauri: So, why do deniers burn?
[pause]
Grant hound #3: B–… ’cause they’re made of wood?
Pachauri: Good!
Leftist Mob: Oh yeah, yeah…
Pachauri: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
Pachauri: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
Pachauri: Does wood sink in water?
Grant hound #1: No, no.
Grant hound #2: It floats! It floats!
Grant hound #1: Throw her into the pond!
Leftist Mob: The pond!
Pachauri: What also floats in water?
Grant hound #1: CO2!
Grant hound #2: Cow farts!
Grant hound #3: Tree rings!
Grant hound #1: Al Gore’s hair implants!
Grant hound #2: Solar panels!
Grant hound #1: Wind turbines!
Grant hound #2: Sulfur Dioxide!
Grant hound #3: Carbon Monoxide!
Leftist #2: A small Prius
King MANN: A Hockey Stick.
Leftist Mob: Ooooooh.
Pachauri: Exactly! So, logically…,
Grant hound #1: If… she.. weighs the same as a Hockey Stick, she’s made of wood.
Pachauri: And therefore–?
Grant hound #1: A Denier!
Leftist Mob: A Denier!
Pachauri: We shall use my larger scales!
[yelling]
Pachauri: Right, remove the supports!
[whop]
[creak]
Leftist Mob: A Denier! A Denier!
Skeptic: I knew I should have studied French Literature.
Pachauri: And who are you that is so wise in the matters of science.
King Mann: I am King Mann, King of the Grant Hounds.
Pachauri: My Liege.
King Mann: Will you come and join me on the UN Round Table of Warmunism to find the holy grail of catastrophic warming?
Pachauri: My Lord, I’d be honored!
King Mann: What is your name.
Pachauri: Pachauri, railroad engineer extraordinaire.
King Mann: Very well, I dub thee Sir Pachauri, Chief Grant Hound of the UN Round Table of Warmunism.
warrenlb says:
May 25, 2014 at 3:01 pm
1) The House of Lords is a political body.
2) Monty Python exists to poke fun and truth at British political bodies
and what they inflict upon the citizens.
3) The House of Lords has better things to do.
4) But that’s not necessarily one of their priorities, otherwise Monty
Python might not be necessary.
0) I’m a Yank. What happens in Britain should stay in Britain.
00) I thought of that because I have all my reservations for
attending ICCC-9 in Las Vegas ready.
After the UKIP MEP election, hopefully UKIP will oust both sets of neo-Goebbelsians in the next general election. This would seem to be inevitable, as many fence-sitters that I know just didn’t vote based on the fact that a vote for UKIP was a wasted vote for, in their thinking, numerical reasons. That thought has now been vanquished so, hopefully, we will see an Abbot-like decimation of this rag tag collection of incompetents, frauds, sh!t scientists and bullsh!tters in the UK the near future.
So, straying back on-topic, I posted this on another thread after the usually rational thinking Jimbo* suggested that the neo-Lysenkoists could be rehabilitated back in society – but at what cost ?? Surely it would be cost effective to have an equivalent hospital for them to spend the rest of their days peer-reviewing themselves:
The general ward would be pretty comical:
“simple physics”
“the science is settled”
“tipping point, waaaaah, it’s worse than we thought”
“scientists are predicting catastrophic …”
“only [insert a number, usually days or months] left save the planet”
“Arctic ice will be gone in [insert a number of years]
“shelves in Antarctica are going to do something really horrid”
…. and then, of course, the “trump” card:
“the evidence is overwhelming”
…. with trump also being an English slang word for fart (in warrenlb’s general direction perhaps ??).
The Travesty Trenberth ward would be the most amusing I’m sure. Is he eligible for long-term medical treatment in the UK?:
“it’s a travesty”
“the heat’s hiding in the deep ocean”
“…. except when it’s causing heatwaves in Russia Kevin”
“…. right, except when it’s causing heatwaves in Russia, thanks”
* PS Just kidding Jimbo
What to call a man with a spade in his head -Doug
What to call a man with a number of holes in his head – Warren
BRILLIANT!
I do hope the nails used to attach this theory to its perch were made from sustainable iron.
Re
warrenlb says:
May 25, 2014 at 2:22 pm
==================================
Sad comment and not cogent, entirely irrelevant. (This comment should be banned in my view)
Brad says:
May 25, 2014 at 10:20 am
I always heard it was really a 72-year old virgin?
Nicely done!!!
========================================
Well Brad, I heard that the when deceased Islamist regained after death awareness he was promptly pummeled by the likes of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and many other well know founders of the US. His protest to the angel watching was that he misunderstood, and was being greeted by 72 Virginians.
Good to see it only took the noble Lord 6 years to emulate what I shared with Lord Lawson’s son 6 years ago – using a British satire vehicle to highlight the stupidity of global warming, the IPCC etc.
No publicity for me, because I’m not a Lord……..
Warrenlb = Failure.
You can smell the rot.
Hahaha SAMURAI!
“Why do witches burn?” “They’re made of wood?” “Does wood float?” “Yes!” “What else floats in water…A duck! Therefore if she weighs the same as a duck…she’s made of wood! We shall use my largest scales…”
Sounds like the Global Circulation models.
warrenlb says:
May 25, 2014 at 5:15 pm
Eligibility to sit & vote in the House of Lords doesn’t signify. Dunno why this is such a hard concept to grasp.
Chris Monckton is legally heir to a title, regardless of to what rights that title might entitle him. He’s the eldest son of Major-General Gilbert Monckton, 2nd Viscount Monckton of Brenchley, SMOM (1915–2006), who was eldest son of the 1st Viscount M of B, Walter Turner Monckton, GCVO, KCMG, MC, PC (1891-1965).
IMO it doesn’t matter whether under current law Chris is entitled to sit & vote in the House of Lords. He has legally inherited a valid title in the peerage of the realm of Her Britannic Majesty. Never mind that as far as I’m concerned, all the fatuous royal heads could well be offed, because the nobility & peerage aren’t necessarily connected to the increasingly hard to justify British monarchy.
This thread is in danger of becoming a tribute to the genius of MP.
sabretruthtiger says:
May 25, 2014 at 11:46 pm
Hahaha SAMURAI!
“Why do witches burn?” “They’re made of wood?” “Does wood float?” “Yes!” “What else floats in water…A duck! Therefore if she weighs the same as a duck…she’s made of wood! We shall use my largest scales…”
Sounds like the Global Circulation models.
=================================
LOL!!
Yes, non sequitur logic and post hoc, ergo proper hoc fallacies are the building blocks of the CAGW hypothesis…
It’s hilarious this silly CAGW hypothesis has lasted as long as it has, although it is starting to crumble bit by bit on an almost a daily basis….
I think you could adapt the cheese sketch as well
This is the Global Warming Shop
I will have some of your drought
Not today sir
How about some increased flooding
Fresh out of that squire……….