Friday Funny: John Kerry Praises Haitian Cannibals’ Efforts To Reduce Humanity’s Carbon Footprint

Another bull’s eye from the Babylon Bee.

“It’s inspiring to see,” Kerry said in a statement from his Martha’s Vineyard estate. “Not only are these fellows reducing the overcrowdedness of the world’s human population, but they’ve also developed a sustainable food source that will lessen their dependence on livestock and farmed animals. I applaud them. They appear to be a group of fine young cannibals.”

Haiti has continued its descent into total societal collapse, with the nation’s Prime Minister Ariel Henry resigning and turning control of the country over to warring gangs, but Kerry sees a silver lining. “It’s wonderful to see people rising up to take power,” he said. “I look forward to the United States building a relationship with the Haitian cannibals as we seek solutions to the serious climate issues facing mankind.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/john-kerry-praises-haiti-cannibals-for-efforts-to-reduce-carbon-footprint

You should absolutely visit the Bee to read the whole story.


For background that makes the Bee’s spoof of Kerry so poignant, Kerry has been delivering these gems over the past week or two.

John Kerry torched for claiming people would ‘feel better’ about Ukraine war if Russia reduced emissions

https://www.foxnews.com/media/john-kerry-torched-claiming-people-feel-better-ukraine-war-russia-reduced-emissions

Kerry stated that hitting climate goals will cost between 2.5 to 5 trillion dollars annually “for the next 30 years” and that he believes China might not actually use the new coal plants they’re building because “That’s what they say to us. And that’s what begins to be a possibility as we look at the massive amount of renewable that’s being deployed.”

https://www.breitbart.com/clips/2024/03/07/kerry-china-says-it-might-not-use-coal-plants-its-building-have-to-spend-trillions-a-year-to-hit-climate-goals/

HT/Mumbles McGuirk

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Stephen Wilde
March 15, 2024 11:26 am

I blame decades of cannabis and cocaine use amongst our elites.
Their brains, such as they were, are now completely fried.

john cheshire
Reply to  Stephen Wilde
March 15, 2024 1:39 pm

It’s more likely to be Adrenochrome.

Richard Greene
Reply to  Stephen Wilde
March 15, 2024 4:23 pm

Their brains are not fried, dyed or laid to the side
They are devious but very effective in the fundamental transition from a constitutionally limited republic to a post-Constitutional fascist government. Cubanada, UK, Germany and Australia may be moving faster toward fascism than the US, but they are leading a race in the wrong direction

Rud Istvan
March 15, 2024 11:58 am

The Babylon Bee almost never misses. Thanks for the real Kerry contexts, because sometimes the Bee’s satire framework is obscure unless you are really up on current events.

Dave Yaussy
Reply to  Rud Istvan
March 15, 2024 12:09 pm

Sometimes I find out what’s happening in the real news because a Bee satire makes me think “There’s something behind this story . . .”

old cocky
Reply to  Dave Yaussy
March 15, 2024 2:30 pm

One of their regular jokes is:

Q. What’s the difference between a Babylon Bee spoof and an MSM article?

A. About 3 months.

March 15, 2024 12:20 pm

Got to love “The Bee” 😂

0perator
March 15, 2024 12:28 pm

John Kerry is an utter buffoon.

J Boles
Reply to  0perator
March 15, 2024 1:21 pm

Frogging sanctimonious elitist hypocrite clueless Kerry and his ilk!

Richard Greene
Reply to  0perator
March 15, 2024 4:27 pm

How dare you insult buffoons
They made people laugh
Kerry makes people nauseous.

John Kerry walks into a bar
Bartender says: “Why the long face?”

Reply to  Richard Greene
March 15, 2024 5:18 pm

I thought buffoons are folks that do a lot of exercise & weights, etc.

March 15, 2024 1:25 pm

Grass produces more methane if it rots on the ground than if it goes through an animal. An animal also uses it to produce meat, and energy. Grass eventually produces exactly the same amount of CO2 as it consumed while growing.

Reply to  Dan Pangburn
March 15, 2024 2:06 pm

Same with water a non-dairy cow consumes about 40 litres of water per day. It gets rid of almost exactly the same amount per day.

Richard Greene
Reply to  Dan Pangburn
March 15, 2024 4:33 pm

 Grass eventually produces exactly the same amount of CO2 as it consumed while growing

What about the green to brown effect positive feedback the IPCC claims multiplies the CO2 release by dying vegetation by 9.624x?

Reply to  Dan Pangburn
March 15, 2024 5:19 pm

Away with the logic!

March 15, 2024 1:39 pm

“Kerry stated that hitting climate goals will cost between 2.5 to 5 trillion dollars annually “for the next 30 years” and that he believes China might not actually use the new coal plants they’re building because “That’s what they say to us. And that’s what begins to be a possibility as we look at the massive amount of renewable that’s being deployed.”

Sure, John, sure. China’s not going to use the new coal plants they keep on building just to keep you happy.
(Is he really gullible enough to believe China gives a yuan about hitting climate goals!?!)

Reply to  Gunga Din
March 15, 2024 5:20 pm

Interesting spelling of “yawn”.

Louis Hunt
Reply to  Gunga Din
March 16, 2024 1:11 am

When they ban gas appliances, will they still allow us to install them if we say we might not actually use them? What? That only works for China?

March 15, 2024 1:53 pm

Soylent Green, your Kerry time has come.

Reply to  Orchestia
March 15, 2024 3:02 pm

I don’t think even Heinz Ketchup could make Kerry palatable.

Bob
March 15, 2024 2:10 pm

I don’t like John Kerry.

Reply to  Bob
March 15, 2024 4:20 pm

I don’t like it either.

Reply to  Bob
March 21, 2024 4:55 pm

I don’t like his $700 haircuts. (much more actually- that figure was when he was running for president)

Edward Katz
March 15, 2024 2:13 pm

I’m looking for a number of bridges that I think Kerry might be interested in buying from me. I can offer him a terrific deal on the Mackinac Straits one for starters

Reply to  Edward Katz
March 15, 2024 3:07 pm

I think he already bought one.
https://youtu.be/y0xohjV7Avo?t=17
(Still hasn’t learned much.)

March 15, 2024 3:16 pm

 “John Kerry Russia is one of the largest emitters in the world. If John Kerry Russia wanted to show good faith, he they could go out and announce what his their reductions are going to be and make a greater effort to reduce emissions. Maybe that would open up the door for people to feel better about what John Kerry Russia is choosing to do at this point in time.”

observa
March 15, 2024 4:04 pm

….and in breaking news Skippy won’t know what snow is-
Australian Alps face world’s largest loss of snow by end of century, research shows (msn.com)

Expect an antidiscrimination application to the UN soon for ice skating to be turned into roller skating for the oppressed peoples of the world and we’re not fooled for one moment or deterred by our oppressors playing games and their tokenism with Steven Bradbury’s win. We know what’s going down-
A future we can all live with: How education can address and eradicate racism | UNESCO

Richard Greene
March 15, 2024 4:17 pm

Let’s assume the Holocene Climate Optimum was +2 degrees C. warmer than 1850 to be very conservative

That must have been considered to be good news, or it would not have been called an optimum

To get back to the same optimum temperature in the future, we’d need to be +2 degrees C. warmer than in 1850.

If +2 degrees C warmer than 1850 IN THE PAST was an optimum, then +2 degrees C. warmer than 1850 IN THE FUTURE should be another optimum.

That seems logical to me, but not to the IPCC

The IPCC says +2 degrees warmer than 1850 IN THE FUTURE is not another optimum, it is a CLIMATE EMERGENCY..

I think I need an IPCC gibberish decoder ring to figure this out.

Reply to  Richard Greene
March 15, 2024 4:21 pm

is there a joke in there somewhere?

Reply to  DonM
March 16, 2024 1:37 pm

There is, it’s just above the date and time of the post.

March 15, 2024 4:25 pm

I don’t think you need to be a USA citizen to be appointed as ‘Climate Czar’.

Given his proven record of meeting the goals of the UN, WEF, & the DNC, I would like to nominate Barbeque as the replacement for John Kerry.