People send me stuff. This list of 20 intelligent jokes with a smattering of science and engineering jokes is worth sharing.
Some won’t get all of them, for example, I have no idea what #1 is about…the rest, are just entertaining.
People send me stuff. This list of 20 intelligent jokes with a smattering of science and engineering jokes is worth sharing.
Some won’t get all of them, for example, I have no idea what #1 is about…the rest, are just entertaining.
Here’s an oldie that I learned as a kid.
A drunk was walking down the street dragging a 25′ log chain. He staggers into a liquor store and fights his way in the door. He drags that chain all the way to the wine cooler, gets his MD 20/20 and drags it all the way to the check out counter.
At the cash register he pays for his wine and starts dragging the chain out the door. The clerk runs over and while holding the door asks, “Why in the world are you dragging that chain?”
The drunk replies, “You ever try PUSHING a chain!!?”
Alan Robertson says:
July 9, 2014 at 5:44 pm
No Aggie Joakes!
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For the hotline for the aggie joke of the day just dial 1-800-AGGIEIQ
[An Aggie will always misspell misspell. .mod]
The 1960’s series with Adam West and Burt Ward featured the theme. Given the number of movies and animated series since, I don’t feel bad about missing #1.
MattS and Stephen Rasey are obviously engineers!
OK, since we are now heavily into the jokes, here is an updated variation on the classic:
A scientist asks: “Why does it happen”
An engineer asks: “How does it happen”
An accountant asks: “How much does it cost to make it happen”
A Harvard MBA asks: “How can I rape the shareholders and make myself rich”
The way I heard it was, “May your words be soft and sweet, for you may have to eat them.”
The funniest thing I’ve read lately?
“Lord Lawson’s views are not supported by the evidence from computer modelling and scientific research.”
http://www.bishop-hill.net/blog/2014/7/7/matt-ridley-on-the-ecocorporation.html
The definite integral from 10 to 13 of 2x dx?
Ranches in the US west are often huge, and are frequently given a name. On his death bed, an elderly farmer said his dying wish was for his sons to inherit his large cattle ranch, but there was the added stipulation that they must rename the ranch, “Focus.”
The sons readile agreed, but asked their father to please explain why the ranch was to be called Focus. The father’s last words were, “Because that’s where the sons raise meet.”
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
A polar bear walks into a bar…
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The bar tender says, “Why the long paws?”
That’s where the sons raise MEAT.
Messed up the punchline as usual. That’s why I’m in the lab and not doing stand-up.
[But it also works spelled “where the sons’ rays meet.” 8<) .mod]
Ok, just for the Halibut….
A real estate developer needs to list an office building for sale; he has sparse information about the building. He runs into an engineer, a physicist, and a salesman (perhaps dealing in “previously enjoyed” automobiles). The developer says; “I have three really nice thermometers, whoever can tell me the height of this building first can keep the thermometer and I’ll give you a 100 dollars”.
The physicist races to the top of the building, does some calculations about the acceleration due to gravity, wind drag based on the thermometer shape, density of the air based on elevation, terminal velocity, etc, etc… Then she tosses the thermometer off the roof and records the elapsed time until she hears the sound of the thermometer hitting the pavement below. With a computer model she then estimates the height of the building….
The engineer estimates that the thermometer is 1 foot long, walks away from the building until he can see a straight line from the ground over the top of the thermometer to the top of the building. Knowing how far away he walked from the building and the thermometer length he does a simple linear scaling to determine the building height.
The salesman, well…. he rushes into the basement of the building frantically searching for the building manager, once he finds him he shouts; “I’ll give you this really priceless thermometer if you tell me the height of this building”…..
This OLD engineer/scientist/salesperson joke was around a long time before everybody “claimed” to know the exact temperature of the Earth.
AND of course there is the very old 80/20 rule of scheduling any project/undertaking…
The first 80% of the work takes 80% of the allotted time. Then, the other 20% of the work takes another 80% of the time. Therefore, everything takes exactly 160% longer than you predicted before starting the task….
AND, of course; “In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice”…..
Cheers, Kevin
dbstealey says:
July 9, 2014 at 6:31 pm
MattS and Stephen Rasey are obviously engineers!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Nope, MattS is a computer programmer (bachelors degree in management information systems which is a business degree, not an engineering degree)
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
This next is not a joke but a bit puzzling.
While sitting down, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
Now, at the same time, draw a “6” in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change directions.
Two errors meet in a bar . . .
What did the “bossy young woman with messy blond hair” say when the climate scientist blew in her ear?
Thanks for the refill!
A chemist, an physicist and an engineer were stranded on an island with nothing to eat, when a can of beans washed ashore. The chemist said, “we can heat it in the fire until a seam bursts”. The physicist said,”we can break it open with a rock”. The engineer said, “let’s assume we have the can open…”
I hate jokes. I don’t get them. Unless they are incredibly stupid simple.
These are the only two jokes I get.
First one:
Tell your friend to cross their hands one on top of the other.
Now tell them to say “Wing, Wing”
Pick up their hand that is on top and place it on your ear and say…Hehwo?
Second one:
There are three ways to kiss.
Peaches
Prunes
and
Alfalfa.
That’s it. Don’t get most any other joke.
Someone at Bishop Hill facetiously suggested piping wind into Germany to solve a problem with turbines. Couldn’t find the source but this is close.
http://bishophill.squarespace.com/discussion/post/2149104
@Bob alou – another variation on the hot air joke-
A guy in a hot air balloon is lost. He descends to thirty feet, and yells at a guy on the ground, “Can you tell me where I am?” The guy on the ground yells back, “You’re in a hot air balloon thirty feet above the ground.”
Guy in the balloon: ” I bet you work in IT”.
“Yes. How did you know?”
“What you said is completely accurate and totally useless.”
Guy on the ground: “Oh. I bet you’re in management.”
“Yes. How did you know?”
Guy on the ground: “When we first met, you didn’t know where you were or where you were headed, but you expected me to help. You’re still in the same position as you were before, only now it’s MY fault.”
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Opposite definition of the specialist as someone who knows everything about nothing, is the generalist. He’s the guy who knows less and less about more and more until eventually he knows nothing about everything. I think the generalists have more fun, personally. 🙂
[And eerybody knows the generalist gets more salutes …. .mod]
Otterrose said:
“Joke #18 is missing the words, “Did you know” in front of the statement about the cat… and a question mark instead of (or in addition to) an exclamation mark…”
In fact it’s not missing anything. In the classic quantum mechanics thought experiment the cat is neither alive nor dead until someone opens the box and looks. When the cop opens the trunk he sees a dead cat. Schroedinger’s reply is appropriate. “I do now” refers to the fact of him having a dead cat in the trunk — not of knowing he has a dead cat.
European Heaven and Hell:
Heaven – The French make the food, the Brits are the Cops, the Swiss are the Bankers, the Germans make the Cars and the Italians are the Lovers.
European Hell – The Brits Make the food, the French make the Cars, the Swiss are the Lovers, the Germans are the Cops and the Italians are the Bankers.
Chemical Piping Specs
1) All pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal centered around the hole.
2) All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length.
3) All pipe is to be of the very best quality; perfectly tubular or pipular.
4) All acid-proof pipe is to be made of acid-proof metal.
5) The O.D. of the pipe must exceed the I.D. otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
6) All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam, or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
7) All pipe is to be supplied without rust as this can more readily be applied at the jobsite.
8) All pipe is to be cleaned free of any covering such as mud, tar, barnacles, or any form of manure before putting up otherwise it will make lumps under the paint.
9) All pipe over 500 feet long must have the words “long pipe” clearly painted on each end so that the fitter will know it is long pipe.
10) All pipe over 2 miles long must also have these words painted in the middle so that the fitter will not have to walk the full length of the pipe to determine if it is long pipe or not.
11) All pipe over six inches in diameter is to have the words “large pipe” painted on it so the fitter will not use it for small pipe.
12) All pipe closers are to be open on one end.
13) All pipe fitting are are to be made of the same stuff as the pipe.
14) No fitting are to be put on the pipe unless specif ed. If you do, straight pipe become crooked pipe.
15) Fitting come in all sorts of sizes and shapes. Be sure to specify the direction you are going when ordering.
16) Fittings comes bolted, welded, or screwed. Always use screwed, they are best.
17) Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
18) If flanges are to be blank or blind the big hole in the middle must be filled with metal.