People send me stuff. This list of 20 intelligent jokes with a smattering of science and engineering jokes is worth sharing.
Some won’t get all of them, for example, I have no idea what #1 is about…the rest, are just entertaining.
People send me stuff. This list of 20 intelligent jokes with a smattering of science and engineering jokes is worth sharing.
Some won’t get all of them, for example, I have no idea what #1 is about…the rest, are just entertaining.
Old metallurgical engineers don’t yield to time – They age harden!
Two geologists go on a hot air balloon ride. After a couple of hours they find they are lost (pre-GPS). Looking down they see a lot of activity going on at a well in an oil field.
They lower themselves to a point where they can yell to the guys on the ground.
“Hey, can you help us? Where are we?”
A guy in a clean white shirt and pristine hard hat looks up and says, “You’re in a hot air balloon!”
One of the geologists looks at the other, “Isn’t that just like an engineer, he tells you something absolutely true and absolutely useless at the same time.”
A rabett, a two bit politician and climate scientist get stranded on an island. While walking one day they find a lamp and of course rub it. An excited genie comes out and thanks them for freeing him. The genie asks the climate scientist “make a wish and I will grant it”. The scientist says, “I wish to return to Pennsylvania to continue chopping and splicing different datasets together.” In a poof, he was gone. The genie directs his attention to the two bit politician and asks, “What is your wish?” The politician replies “I wish to return to northern California where I will divest government institutions from oil and coal investments (while keeping mine). Poof he was gone. The rabett says, “Some would say, not Eli to be sure, that being on an island alone would be lonely. Can Eli have his two friends back?
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fish.
Lol. This needs to be a weekly or monthly feature. How Ironic.
If a man says something in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
Q: What did the topologist do for halloween?
A: He stuck his head up his arse and went as a Klein bottle
Speaking of Al Gore and irony, did anyone notice that in his movie, “An Inconvenient Truth,” he presented a coelacanth in his montage of extinct animals?
I actually laughed out loud in the audience.
Q: How many Marxists are needed to change a light bulb?
A: None whatsoever. The light bulb contains within itself the seeds of its own revolution.
Related to #6: How can you tell the difference between a scientist and a politician? Have them pronounce the word “nuclear”. Not really a joke, but it’s an effective test.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were each asked to evaluate the proposition “All odd numbers are prime.”
The mathematician said, “Hmm. Let’s see. One is prime. Three is prime. And five is prime. Thus by induction, we can infer that the proposition is true. And we can predict that seven will be prime, and sure enough it is!”
The physicist said, “Hmm. Let’s see. One is prime. Three is prime. Five is prime. Seven is prime. Nine doesn’t appear to be prime, but that could be due to experimental error. Eleven is prime. Thirteen is prime. Fif– …Oh, I think we have enough data! The proposition is true.”
The engineer said, “Hmm. Let’s see. One is prime. Three is prime. Five is prime. Seven is prime. Nine is prime. Eleven is prime. Thirteen is prime. …”
Thylacine says:
July 9, 2014 at 10:41 am
Extending that logic, you could prove 0 = 1.The nearest neighbor of 0.9999r to the left is also equal to 0.9999r, so it too is equal to 1. Repeat the process infinitely until you reach a = 0.0000…0001 with an infinite number of zeroes after the decimal point and a 1 at the end. Since we know a = 1, and there is no separation between 0 and 1, then 0 must equal 1.
The Flies Conundrum:
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
A scientist and an engineer are left across a room from a beautiful naked lady who is motioning for them to come on over. They are told they can cross the room but will be shot if they do it in more than 1/2 remaining distance increments.
The engineer immediately starts going half way, and then half of the remaining distance etc etc.
The scientist looks at him in disbelief and says “you’ll never get there fool”.
The engineer shouts back “but I’ll get close enough”!
A guy walks into a bar and says…
OUCH!
Farmers in Israel have succeeded in cross breeding Holstein and Guernsey cows. The new breed, named Goldstein, says Nuuu instead of Mooo.
I saw this headline in the Cincinnati Enquirer 15+ years ago.
It was over a story about a tax levy that had failed.
“Montgomery County Jail May Have To Close Its Doors”
Three Texans were on a hunting trip. Sitting around a campfire at night,
the talk turned to how good their respective dogs were.
The first Texan bragged that when he sent his dog to the store for eggs,
the dog wouldn’t accept the eggs unless they were absolutely fresh. The
second Texan said that when he sent his dog to the store for cigars, the
dog wouldn’t accept any cigars except his owner’s favorite brand. The third
Texan sat silently at first. The other two pressed him, “Come on, George,
what does your dog do?” George said, “Well, my dog doesn’t do any of
that stuff. But I still think he’s smarter than your two dogs.” “Oh? Why?”
“Well, he runs the store where your two dogs trade.”
———————————————————————————————————
Three doctors are in Las Vegas for a convention. They decide to take a
car ride out in the desert. After a while, they get a flat, and all get out
to look at it.
The first doctor feels the flat tire and says, “Seems like a flat to me.”
The second doctor says, “Looks like a flat to me.”
The third doctor says, “Oh, that’s a flat all right.”
They all look at each other, nod in unison and say, “We’d better run
a few tests.”
You may have heard some of these before…
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did:
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank — proving once and for all that you can’t have
your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a
beer?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s novocaine
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t
stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and
would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One
afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was
dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly,
he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the
bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink
and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” “No, I’m sorry,”
replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading
a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of
the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a
teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with
me?” The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. Relax, you’re two tents.”
A woman has twins, and gives
them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is
named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him
“Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins–if
you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!
A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Please, no stories!”
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s Not Unusual.”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed,is there any thing you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”
Quinn says:
July 9, 2014 at 10:26 am
Who GNU? (sorry….)
Magic Thread. May I share one?
Ingenuity – or why YOU should become a Scientist
At the end of his second year, Niels had failed his exams in his physics degree. He wasn’t surprised – he’d partied well, and played a lot of sport, especially cricket.
He knew that he now would have to retake them in September – but the end of the cricket season intervened, and a few parties, and a week with friends, on the beach.
Nothing daunted, he returned to University in September, and took the papers.
He failed.
His professor took him aside, and said that there was one last chance – as Niels was actually rather bright, if none too hard-working at present!
“Take this barometer, and find out, using the barometer, the height of the Blair Tower, at the centre of campus. By tomorrow, ten o’clock in the morning.”
Niels went off, a little worried, a little elated that he had not been flung out of university there and then.
The next morning, he comes back to see the professor, and says
“I think I may be able to do this; there are actually several methods that could be employed: –
1. Tie a long piece of string to the barometer. Hold one end of the string from the top of the building, so that the end of the barometer barely clears the ground. Give the barometer a small displacement and time its period as a compound pendulum. This will give the length of the pendulum, hence the height of the building.
2. Smash the barometer on the roof of the building and time how long it takes for the mercury to drip down the wall of the building to the ground. Use the known viscosity of mercury to find the velocity.
3. Find a small, very efficient, very light electric motor. Weigh the barometer. Use the motor to carry the barometer up the building. Using a voltmeter and ammeter, calculate the work done by the motor, and thus the gravitational potential difference between the top and bottom of the building. Knowing g, find the height.
4. Drop the barometer off the top of the building and measure the time it takes to strike the ground. Use Newton’s laws of motion to solve s = ut + ½ at2 for s, which is the height of the building.
5. Use the barometer to measure the atmospheric pressure at the bottom of the building, and then again at the top. The difference in these two pressures will allow a calculation of the height of the building.
6. Using a device that can propel an object at a known velocity (such as a baseball pitching machine or a rail gun), find the velocity at which the barometer needs to be projected to just, only just, reach the roof from the ground.
7. Find a barometer that uses a liquid with no surface tension whatsoever (superfluid helium?). Break the barometer and spread the known volume of liquid evenly over the surface of the building. Measure the depth of the resulting liquid film. Knowing the volume of the barometer, this gives the surface area of the building, which will give its height, if its width and depth are known; these may be found at ground level – the Blair Tower is very regular (guy) of course.
8. Find the architect who designed the building, crack the (mercury) barometer over his coffee, watch him die when he drinks it, then steal the building’s specifications, including height.
9. Stand on the roof of the building. Throw the barometer to a point exactly on the horizon. Measure the distance from the bottom of the building to the barometer. This gives the horizon distance at the top of the building, thus giving its height above the ground; it is necessary to allow for your own height of eye above the roof.
10. Make a small hole in the barometer so mercury drips out at a constant rate. Place the barometer so that it is dripping off the roof onto the ground. Measure the time between a drop being released from the barometer and the drop hitting the ground. Repeat the measurement when moving towards the ground at a known velocity. The time between a drop being released and a drop hitting the ground will change. Using the Lorentz transformation equations and taking the top of the tower as x = 0, the position of the ground can be found. This will yield the height of the tower.
11. Measure the volume of the barometer at the bottom and top of the building. By knowing the coefficient of thermal expansion of glass, the temperature difference between the top and bottom can be calculated. Refer this to known data of atmospheric temperature as a function of height – using a lapse rate of 5oF per thousand feet and 9oC per thousand metres.
12. Every time somebody walks into or out of the building, stab them with the sharpened end of the barometer (after having sharpened it, of course). Word of the ‘Barometer Murderer’ will eventually reach the building’s owner, who will of course be forced to sell the building. The real estate advertisement should give the height of the building. But you may not see the advert, being in police custody, so this is a little uncertain as a method, and its ethical standing may be a little fluid . . . . .
13. Measure the height of the barometer, then mark off successive ‘barometer heights’ up the outside wall of the building, climbing the fire escape as you go. You will also need chalk. At the top, count these up and multiply by the height of the barometer.
14. Place a cat on top of the building. Prod it with the barometer so that it falls off the roof. See whether the cat dies when it hits the ground. Repeat n times, where n>>{a large number}. Refer to Dr Karl Kruszelnicki’s paper on the probability of a cat dying when falling from a certain height. This will set parameters on the likely height of the building; checking your work using a different method is an important feature of science.
15. Find at what velocity you must move upwards or downwards past the building such that the building is contracted to the same length as the barometer. Find gamma for this velocity, multiply by the length of the barometer – albeit requiring detailed knowledge of Relativity, and also an acceleration that may leave you shortened to the thickness of the paper on which you pencil your calculations.
16. Carefully measure the height of the barometer. Then, carefully measure the height of the shadows of the building and of the barometer, at the same time, on level ground. The building height is in proportion to the barometer height in the same way as the building’s shadow is to the barometer’s shadow. Long multiplication needs to be competent.
17. Go to the top of the building; tie a piece of string to the top of the barometer, lower the barometer to the ground, then measure the length of the string; the height of the building is then equal the S + B, where S is the length of string, and B is the height of the barometer.
18. Tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g).
19. However, since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the door of Mr Brown, the dour Scottish caretaker, and say to him ‘If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the actual height of the Blair Tower’.
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