People send me stuff. This list of 20 intelligent jokes with a smattering of science and engineering jokes is worth sharing.
Some won’t get all of them, for example, I have no idea what #1 is about…the rest, are just entertaining.
People send me stuff. This list of 20 intelligent jokes with a smattering of science and engineering jokes is worth sharing.
Some won’t get all of them, for example, I have no idea what #1 is about…the rest, are just entertaining.
A software engineer, a hardware engineer, and a department manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside.
The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
“I know,” said the department manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.”
“No, no,” said the hardware engineer. “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.”
“Well,” said the software engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”
Steve C is on a roll. Good stuff.
#15 actually happened. It was a professor Sydney Morgenbesser.. You see the context here:
https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Sidney_Morgenbesser
There used to be a book of Murphy’s laws for Scientists or Engineers or some such. IIRC, most of them were pretty funny, but I only remember these few:
Computer science aphorism: The generation of random numbers is far too important to be left to chance. .
Any circuit protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
You can make something foolproof, but you can never make it damn fool proof.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
A failure will not appear until the unit has passed final inspection.
Law of Selective Gravity: a dropped tool will land where it will cause the most damage.
Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally towards maximum difficulty of assembly
Law of Centrifugal Malfeasance: a screwdriver will always slip when in the proximity of painted surfaces.
What is the difference between Mathematicians, Physicists, and Engineers?
The Engineer uses formulas to describe reality.
The Physicist uses reality to develop formulas.
The Mathematician has never understood that the one has anything to do with the other….
(sorry if my translation isn’t so good, the original is:
Was unterscheided Mathematiker, Physiker und Ingenieure?
Der Ingenieur benutzt Formeln um die Wirklichkeit darzustellen.
Der Physiker benutzt die Wirklichkeit um die Formeln zu ermitteln.
Der Mathematiker hat nie verstanden, dass das Eine mit dem Anderen was zu tun hat.)
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have eight years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick, had canines four inches long, and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a fourteen foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth very, very wide, and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.
There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog – not even its tail!
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for eight years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world, and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. And we trained it!” They didn’t mention the steroids!
“That’s nothing,” an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for eight years to make a big ol’ Florida alligator look like a Dachshund.”
I bet there are numerologists reading – here’s one for you.
We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast -, but did you know that: –
$665.99 = Recommended Retail Price of the Beast
$699.25 = Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$879.95 = Price of the Beast, with all accessories
$655.56 = Wal-Mart price of the Beast
$654.96 = Tesco price of the Beast – and you get Clubcard points!
$6666.66 = Harrods Price of a very Superior Beast
$666 = hourly rate of the Beast’s lawyer
£666 = hourly rate of the Beast’s London lawyer [plus VAT].
$333 = ‘Half off’ sale on the Sign of the Beast
6, uh. . . sorry, what was that number again? = Number of the Blonde Beast
£666 666 = Income of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 = Live Beasts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
Route 666 = Highway of the Beast
B666 = by-way of the Beast
E-666 = European Route du Beast
666 F = Oven temperature for succulent, well-roast Beast
666 C = Oven temperature for well-charred Beast
$66 = Small joint of Beast
666k = Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66 % = 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
666MHz = CPU of the Beast
666CSi = BMW of the Beast
668 = Next-door neighbour of the Beast
664 = Next-door neighbour of the Beast, also
667, 665, 663 = close neighbours of the Beast
UB-666 = unemployable Beast claim form
666A, 666B and 666C = Tenants of the beast
999 = Sign of the Australian Beast
333 = Number of the adolescent Beast
6-6-6 = Whyte notation wheel arrangement of the Beast’s Locomotive
6-66 = bowling analysis of the [cricketing] Beast
6-6-6-6 = wheel arrangement of the Big Beast’s Articulated Locomotive
00666 = Zip code of the Beast
HE66 6LL = Post Code of the Beast
BA666 = Flight of the Beast
666.000000 = Beast to 6 decimal places
670 = Beast to 2 significant figures
Auto
“When chemists die they Argon and they Barium”
“An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!”
Oh, we’re doing ethnic humor now?
Sean calls his best friend Paddy to his bedside at the hospital.
“Paddy,” he says, “I’m not long for this world. So I’d like to ask a special favor of ye. In me bedroom, under the bed, there’s a box. Inside is a 100 year old bottle of the finest Irish Whiskey ever made. When I pass, and they put me in the ground, I ask ye, me very best mate, to open that bottle and pour it on me grave, that I might have a wee nip in the afterlife.”
Paddy says,”Ah, Sean, me boy-oh, t’is a fine request and I shall pour the whiskey as ye ask. But might I strain it through me kidneys first?”
Sven and Ole get together to do some heavy drinking. After three hours of complete silence, Sven lifts his glass and says,”skoal.” And Ole says,”did you come here to drink or to talk?”
Understanding Engineers #1
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #2
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!” The priest said, “Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello, George. What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
Understanding Engineers #3
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #4
The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
Understanding Engineers #5
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been an environmental engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
Understanding Engineers #6
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want!” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog — now that’s cool!”
I believe Rene Descartes is a bilk
Langenbahn says:
July 9, 2014 at 2:37 pm
“Oh, we’re doing ethnic humor now?”
Q: What’s Irish, stays outdoors, and doesn’t move around much?
A: Paddy O’Furniture
Q: What’s green, three miles long, and has an a$$hole every two feet?
A: A St. Patty’s Day parade.
(I’m part Irish and I approve this message)
but wait.. that means 1 = .9999r
3 x 1/3 = 1
3 x 0.333r = 0.999r
Since 1/3 = 0.333r, 0.999r = 1
(Plus, as noted above, since there are no numbers between 0.999r and 1, they must be the same).
Hoser says:
Extending that logic, you could prove 0 = 1.The nearest neighbor of 0.9999r to the left is also equal to 0.9999r,
Please say you are kidding! “The nearest neighbour” to a real number? What sort of nonsense is that?
pat says:
July 9, 2014 at 2:03 am “let me wipe those smiles from your faces!…Figures are just out disclosing the millions of taxpayers’ money the European Union paid in 2013 to unelected, unaccountable non-governmental organisations (NGOs) and other special interest groups, especially to the “global warming” lobby.”
Who else would think of “Non-Governmental Organization,” other than the government?
For the occasion —
An engineer, a prostitute, and a politician were in a bar and they began to quarrel about which was really the “oldest profession.” One said hers was well known to be the oldest profession. The engineer said, “Obviously creating light out of chaos was an engineer’s work.”
“Well who do you think created all of the chaos?” asked the politician.
@Bob alou,
There is a computer version of your geologist joke involving a helicopter rather than a hot air balloon.
A tour group was taking a helicopter ride around Seattle when a thick fog rolled in. The pilot was lost, because he couldn’t tell where the airport was. Pulling up next to a tall office building where there were a bunch of people in a conference room, he held up a sign that said “Where are we?”
After some discussion the people in the conference room held up a sign that said “You are in a helicopter.”
Seeing that response, the pilot flew straight to the airport and made a flawless landing. Amazed, one of the tourist asked “How did you know where we were from that answer?”
“Easy,” responded the pilot, “I knew that it had to be the Microsoft building, because only a Microsoft support tech could give you an answer that is both completely true and completely useless.”
A geologist, an engineer, and a geophysicist are interviewing for a job.
They are all well qualified and the HR manager can’t decide among them so he devises a test. He calls them in one ant a time. He starts with the geologist and asks “How much is 2+2?” The geologist gives him a puzzled look and says “Four, of course.”
Next comes the engineer. He gets asked the same question. He scratches his head for a bit, pulls out his calculator and a sheet of paper, punches some keys and scribbles furiously, and says “3.99999999999 plus or minus 0.00000000002.”
The geophysicist comes in and gets asked what 2+2 is. He looks around furtively, goes to the door opens it and looks around and closes it, wedges a carpet against the door, unplugs the phone, closes the curtain, leans in towards the interviewer and whispers, “What do you want it to be?”
Jeff says:
July 9, 2014 at 2:48 am
Two weeks later the border crossing was shut down by a convoy of ZEVs.
During the height of the Cold War, the Americans and the Soviet Union agreed to have an automobile race between the best car from each country. The American car won, handily. This left the editor of Pravda with the dilemma of how to report this news without offending the powers that be. After much thought, the editor wrote the lede: “Results of automobile race: Car from glorious USSR comes in second, American car finishes next to last”
ENRON EXPLAINED
===============
In case you were wondering how Enron came into so much trouble, here is an explanation reputedly given by a Colorado Aggie professor to explain it in terms his students could understand.
Capitalism:
===========
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Venture Capitalism:
=========================
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Now do you see why a company with $62 billion in assets is declaring bankruptcy?
Colorado Wellington says:
July 9, 2014 at 3:38 pm
LOL! I always wondered what caused the traffic backup at the border (other than strikes 🙂 )…
@dbstealey at 2:55 pm
Understanding Engineers #1
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
To the engineer, the glass has a margin of safety.
Oldies but goodies:
A man comes home and excitedly tells his wife “Honey, pack your bags!”. She excitedly answers “Where are we going?” He says ” I don’t care where you go, I just won the lottery so be out of the house by 6″.
For vacation this year my wife asked me to take her somewhere she’s never been. I said “How about the kitchen” (Henny Youngman)
I was so ugly as a child when I hung my head out the car window I was arrested for mooning.
(Rodney Dangerfield)
My wife is such a bad cook the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. (Rodney again)
A man finally pulls his car over to the side of the road after a 6 mile chase by a State Trooper. Angrily the Trooper asks “Why didn’t you stop”. The man says” Last year my wife ran away with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back”
A young couple are just married. The husband says to the wife “I have a great idea. Every time we make love I will put a dollar in a jar by the bed. After a couple of years we should have enough money to go on a nice vacation”. So he does that, every time for 4 years. At the end of 4 years he takes the money out of the jar. There are $1, $5, $10, $20 bills and even a $100 bill. He says to his wife “Hey what’s all this?” She smiles and says “Well dear, everyone is not as cheap as you”.
Stephen Rasey says:
July 9, 2014 at 4:22 pm
@dbstealey at 2:55 pm
Understanding Engineers #1
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
To the engineer, the glass has a margin of safety.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
To the realist, the glass is completely full. It’s half full of water and half full of air. If the glass was truly only half full, 1/2 water, 1/2 vacuum, there would be no glass at all, because it would explode almost instantaneously.
This is a TRUE story: A swedish traveler bumps into a Japanese fellow traveller who immeadiately turns around, recognizing a foreigner and exclaims:”I am so sorry! Please, execute me!”
The Mir space station AKA’s
Starship Lada
Kaputnik
Skylab for Dummies
The S.S. Minnowsky
Cattlecar Galactica
Joke #18 is missing the words, “Did you know” in front of the statement about the cat… and a question mark instead of (or in addition to) an exclamation mark…
No Aggie Joakes!