I couldn’t think of a way to easily excerpt this excellent piece of satire, so I’ll just repost it with apologies in advance and ask WUWT readers to go to wendymcelroy.com and give her props. -Anthony
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My hat is off to the commenter at Watts Up With That who first dubbed the faked Heartland memo “The Protocols of the Elders of Heartland.” That quip says it all, really.
The second-best quip about the phony memo come from Megan McArdle at the Atlantic: “Basically, it reads like it was written from the secret villain lair in a Batman comic. By an intern.”
But, thinking of secret protocols and secret villain lairs made me wonder, what could this mysterious and elusive “institute” be doing with their anonymous funding? So I’m pleased to leak my very own Heartland strategy memo:
Top Ten Things Heartland Institute Will Do With $6.4 Million in Funding
10. Build a secret oil-powered nuclear-powered coal-powered lair on a South Pacific Island.
9. Arrange Arctic polar-bear hunting expeditions for wealthy contributors. With bazookas for top donors.
8. Train an armada of millions of kamikaze pigeons to fly into wind turbines, gumming up the works.
7. Replace Mitt Romney with a remote-controlled animatronic robot. Oh wait, that’s been done.
6. Exploit our Microsoft connection to install mind-controlling stroboscopic subliminal video messages in Windows Phone 7. People do use Windows Phone 7, don’t they?
5. Create the “Happy Children Fund” to provide subsidized tobacco products to pre-teens. Better yet, put it in their school lunches.
4. Genetically engineer a breed of SuperFlatulenttm cattle to emit a Gaia-destroying flood of methane into the atmosphere.
3. Re-train the armada of pigeons to defecate on solar panels. Maybe do this before #8.
2. Hijack a nuclear warhead and hold the world to ransom for one million dollars!
1. Send an obviously faked-up memo to DeSmogBlog to make them look ridiculous. Oh wait…
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Provide every child with a tin foil helmet, a pair of peril-sensitive sunglasses and a pair of earphones that make a loud ‘la la’ sound when Gores voice is detected
It’s Oscar season. Make up some fake gold plated little statuettes and award them every year.
Best Strawman and so on. categories: needs a brain, needs a heart, needs courage.
Also a Dorothy award for the best “We’re not in Kansas anymore” realization.
Last but not least, the Best Toto award.
Now you’re messin with…
The warmists have a four-table, three of which have been kicked out.
Go Anthony.
Given the fake nature of this, shouldn’t they go massacre polar bears in Antarctica?
Megan McArdle also writes, “I should also probably note that I disagree pretty strenuously with Heartland’s position on global warming. I not only believe that anthropogenic global warming is happening, but also support stiff carbon or source fuels taxes in order to combat it. While I’ve expressed some dismay at the behavior revealed in the leaked Climategate memos, they haven’t changed my mind about the reality, or the danger, of global warming.”
Sorry kids but however clever McArdle appears with her Batman quip she is still an idiot who only appeals to idiots. Let her run around in circles and yelp all she likes. This dog isn’t even in the race.
12. Rig Oscar Night.
13. Make Steve Guttenberg a star.
14. Keep the metric system down.
15. Rob cavefish of their sight.
The Simpsons is the gift that keeps on giving.
Mr. Watts, you are approaching this in EXACTLY the right way. We need to hold these people up for ridicule. Their positions are so completely silly, their “logic” so completely irrational, their rhetoric so completely over the top that we need to exercise at every opportunity the holding of these people up for a good laugh.
What the world needs is more climatologist and “environmentalist” jokes. I don’t mean someone who truly cares about the environment, I mean the ones who use the “environment” as a political cover to engage in economic suicide. The message from the left as a whole is always one of self-loathing. I am tiring of it. We need to make fun of them.
I think a names like ‘Mike Hammel’ a la Bart Simpson phone call to Moe. So any good ones ?
Ima Nidiot?
…and raise an appeal to save the penguins in Greenland?
hahaha.
So THAT is Romney’s problem! I knew something was wrong with that guy.
So Letterman has joined WUWT. About time!
1) Homer Hansen – a thermometer and a one way ticket to the North Pole – then he can throw away his pink crayon.
2) Phil Jones – a can of whitewash for the next inquiry.
3) Mikey Mann – 5 years in the State Pen *
4) Kevin Trenberth – a telescope – he can use it for looking for his missing heat – while he is at it, he might search for some scientific integrity.
5) Katharine Hayhoe – a history book ( the sort that goes back before 1965).
6) Chris Huhne – a get out of jail free card – he might soon need it
7) Princess Charles – a carbon capture device for Camilla’s fags.
8) Al Gore – a snorkel and pair of goggles – for when his beachside condo is under 12 feet of water.
And finally…….
9) BBC – bugger all – you already get enough from me.
* I am advised by Messrs Sue, Grabbit and Runne to make it clear that Mikey has done nothing at all wrong and should only go to the Pen as a long term visitor!
11) Create a “Secret Confidential” memo, to be circulated to every college and university campus, wherein the members of the Team discuss their plans to ban all production of beer because of the the “evil CO2” that it emits. Should have the young “skulls full of mush” fleeing the Carbon demonization bandwagon like cockroaches when the light comes on.
PiperPaul says:
February 18, 2012 at 10:56 am
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Perfect !
11. Create a new database of climate data that is full of errors and designed to make access to the underlying data impenetrable to all but the most dedicated. Call it the “Best” temperature database ever. Oh, wait….
Induce CAGW proponents to fly all over the world to “climate” conferences in exotic locales to show their hypocrisy and exorbitant use of fossil fuels.
Nevermind. They all ready do that already.
How about encourage the leaders in the CAGW movement to purchase million dollar homes in exlusive areas, perhaps even located in coastal areas, showing their real lack of concern for sea level rise.
Nevermind.
11. Go on a guided tour to Antarctica. Experience cold, ice, endless storms and high seas. Return to warmer climes and rethink ones mission in life.
Fund a govt supervisory department that forces the Brave Climate Crusaders, like Al Gore…and Hollywood, to live in the same fashion they demand the govt force everyone else to live.
RE: #4. Genetically engineer a breed of SuperFlatulenttm cattle to emit a Gaia-destroying flood of methane into the atmosphere.
Just to put the $88k? grant in perspective:
http://moodyeyeview.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/cow-gas-tank.jpg
$700,000 U.S. Department of Agriculture grant to create a computer model that measures the amount of greenhouse gases an organic dairy farm produces and thus provide ways to cut those emissions.
http://moodyeyeview.com/2010/11/05/eye-view-on-the-farm-scientist-move-to-other-end-of-production-line-now-studying-cow-belches/
Hey! Isn’t that Roger Glover of Deep Purple on Bass? in the Nazareth clip.
Sorry to go off topic.
There are some people that have learned nothing from “FakeGate”. They are still insisting the memo is real and are calling it “HeartlandGate”. They will call it that forever. This is a big moment for them. They feel they have found something that neutralizes ClimateGate.
Here’s two comments sent in reply to me from something I posted 11 months ago on YouTube. They must feel they have new ammunition now to address old issues and set everything right—in their eyes.
These are the actual quotes from the past two days:
Internal documents from within the Heartland Institute have been leaked which prove that the HI lies to schoolchildren, threatens climate scientists, and lies to Congress.
What is not real and is entirely made up fiction is “Climategate”.
and this, in response to ClimateGate:
Bullshit. Stop making up lies. There was absolutely NOTHING to the non-climategate non-scandal. They proved NOTHING.
Heartlandgate is the REAL crime, along with Mocktongate and his lies, arson record, and tax evasion records.
What do you base your made-up shit on?
I know: entirely anything Alex Jones says.
42. Get a paper by Hansen, Jones, Mann et. al. published at the JIR.
Yes, this JIR: http://www.jir.com/
I hate to be a party pooper, but the fart jokes and frat-boy jokes and ha-ha gotchas are the opposite of what used to make WUWT stand out from the pack. Every boy-in-the basement blog does this stuff. Please leave it to them.
WUWT used to be above this kind of immature gloating. Has something changed?
johanna
I don’t see this as a gotcha. There are people that are right now, as we are commenting here, pushing this “HeartlandGate” thing. They want to world to believe it is real. The truth has to be told to show they are lying.
Yes, Johanna…WUWT was named in a faked document, and it’s name is currently being dragged through the mud by numerous blogs, and media outlets which did not bother to verify their sources. A little gloating, I think, is warranted. More importantly, threads of this nature do serve to keep this issue alive until hopefully, the truth comes out, and retractions/corrections are published by the various smear merchants that are gleefully trashing the reputations of innocent people.
If I’m off base, I’ll gladly stop posting. This is Mr. Watts’ soap-box, not mine, and if he, and/or his moderators decide to stop all of this silliness, I’ll stop, without argument, or complaint. Until then, though…
Ha ha! /Nelson Muntz
Bazookas are so passe (and hard to find any more). I’d go with Miniguns, or, if you really want the explosion with nothing left, Hellfire missiles. Fire and forget, dontcha know.