I couldn’t think of a way to easily excerpt this excellent piece of satire, so I’ll just repost it with apologies in advance and ask WUWT readers to go to wendymcelroy.com and give her props. -Anthony
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My hat is off to the commenter at Watts Up With That who first dubbed the faked Heartland memo “The Protocols of the Elders of Heartland.” That quip says it all, really.
The second-best quip about the phony memo come from Megan McArdle at the Atlantic: “Basically, it reads like it was written from the secret villain lair in a Batman comic. By an intern.”
But, thinking of secret protocols and secret villain lairs made me wonder, what could this mysterious and elusive “institute” be doing with their anonymous funding? So I’m pleased to leak my very own Heartland strategy memo:
Top Ten Things Heartland Institute Will Do With $6.4 Million in Funding
10. Build a secret oil-powered nuclear-powered coal-powered lair on a South Pacific Island.
9. Arrange Arctic polar-bear hunting expeditions for wealthy contributors. With bazookas for top donors.
8. Train an armada of millions of kamikaze pigeons to fly into wind turbines, gumming up the works.
7. Replace Mitt Romney with a remote-controlled animatronic robot. Oh wait, that’s been done.
6. Exploit our Microsoft connection to install mind-controlling stroboscopic subliminal video messages in Windows Phone 7. People do use Windows Phone 7, don’t they?
5. Create the “Happy Children Fund” to provide subsidized tobacco products to pre-teens. Better yet, put it in their school lunches.
4. Genetically engineer a breed of SuperFlatulenttm cattle to emit a Gaia-destroying flood of methane into the atmosphere.
3. Re-train the armada of pigeons to defecate on solar panels. Maybe do this before #8.
2. Hijack a nuclear warhead and hold the world to ransom for one million dollars!
1. Send an obviously faked-up memo to DeSmogBlog to make them look ridiculous. Oh wait…
“theduke says:
February 18, 2012 at 8:47 am
Anthony: Although the link still takes you to the website, in it you’ve spelled “mcelroy” wrong.”
It was a bargain. Heartland only used $0.79 to get that done…
The second-best quip about the phony memo come from Megan McArdle at the Atlantic: “Basically, it reads like it was written from the secret villain lair in a Batman comic. By an intern.”
Correction: the final sentence should read: “By a henchman” supervillians, as a rule, don’t have interns. They have bungling assistants who provide some much needed comic relief at moments of great stress. Hence, this must be a henchman.
Of course, $6.4 million is just a drop in the bucket compared to the BILLIONS in Climate Ca$h ™ that our climate elites get.
Repost with our compliments, Anthony. Thanks for the exposure!
Brad (webmaster at wendymcelroy.com)
Wot, no Death Star, or laser canon on the moon?
Evil mad scientists just aren’t what they used to be.
Nowadays it seems to be evil just teaching children to be open minded and skeptical, just what kids should be……..
So let’s get this straight. You actually admitted on this blog just yesterday that you did get money through Heartland – is it the $90,000 that’s in the leaked Heartland budget or not?
And I don’t see you being straight with us either – are you actually going on the record and saying that the leaked Heartland budget is fake, or not?
[REPLY: You need to get up to speed. Anthony applied for an $88,000 grant to set up a website to present publicly available data in an easy-to-use format. The budget does not mention “$90,000”. The Climate Strategy document, from which yor reference is taken, is fake. -REP]
The “clime scientists” can be retrained to be environmental reclamation and sorting specialists—aka sanitation engineers, aka garbage men. They are already good a making garbage, they should be good at sorting it during pick up.
What would Heartland do with $500 million or $225 million?
Standford climate unit to gets BP oil ($500 million) & Exxon ($225 million) funding over 10 years. It really does pay to be a sceptic. Our scepticism has to be purchased.
http://www.rwor.org/a/083-special/bp-berkeley-en.htmlttp://www.nytimes.com/2002/11/21/us/exxon-led-group-is-giving-a-climate-grant-to-stanford.html
Tom Swirly,
Are you that ignorant of this discusion? Obviously you haven’t gotten up to speed, and you are just posting baseless opinion. Let me help you “get this straight”:
Anthony was paid less than half of your “$90,000” figure so far to do work. Maybe you work for nothing, or maybe you’re a hypocrite and think that others should work for free. And everyone familiar with the fabricated memo knows it is fake, whether they admit it or not. The fake memo is the only issue, since the other information has never been a secret.
And unlike conniving, self-serving climate charlatans like Mann, Jones, and many others who take muliti-million dollars in government grants, Heartland operates on private donations.
11. Drill an oil well in the top of Teddy Roosevelt’s head. (Simpsons reference)
Actually, I bet the $88k is for setting up appropriate sympathisers to stand by weather stations with fans to keep them cooler 24/7!
See, Anthony ? – the real truth of your weather stations project is now out in the open! LOL
(do I really need to put /sarc after this? Oh wait, there’s possibly someone from despicablesmogblog may read this and publish it directly!)
PS – perhaps Desmogblog should simply be hereinafter referred to as DSB? – Dozy Stupid Blog?
I always imagined the faked memo being discovered in a dusty bookcase, by Shaggy and Scooby Doo, perhaps with a stamp saying ‘Top Secret!’.
I get credit for the protocols quip. My prize is a nice cold Shiner Bock. Actually, come to think about it, send it to Anthony. Thanks for the hard work bub.
Infiltrate NASA and have their scientific staff start a web-site (on government paid time) to spread the impending threat of an over-heated planet on an unsuspecting public to the point where an additional $88,000 is needed to put the raw data into the hands of the public so that they can make up their own minds. Not that it would ever happen. Well not for $6.4 million.
I had no idea SuperFlatulent was trade-marked. Super Flatulent Expectorant Is Atrocious.
Probably a little off-topic.
Easiest of all: Just change the name to The Heartless Institute. I’m sure that will convince everybody.
Tom Swirley,
You are a troll, but for the benefit of others, there is no controversy over the money budgeted for Watts. The insinuation is that Heartland has been funding WUWT. Well, you have the budget, check it and you’ll see no money is allocated for WUWT. Anthony approached Heartland to help get a donor for a web service project to provide graphical representation of the NOAA database (i.e. GOVERNMENT data). The project has not even been announced yet. When you complete a project it is typical and customary to acknowlege funding at that time. Furthermore, it is in Heartlands interest to make sure there funding is announced, because you see that looks real good to potential donors, that their money is being put to good use. The only reason this is considered a controvery is because the FAKE document (as in, getting the Koch funding details entirely wrong) was labeled “Confidential” and so the FAKE document makes it look like something sneaky is going down.
Smokey says:
February 18, 2012 at 9:17 am
Smokey – Tom Swirly obviously works for the government, where money grows on trees…
Even $90,000 or $900,000 is laughable compared to the billion$ given to the climate elites…this is a HUGE #narrativefail on the part of the CAGW activists/scientists…
Provide a grant to Tom Swirly, so he can chill out and comment with a joke…
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Anyway, did you hear the one about the group of polar bears that received a $6.4m grant to set up a green energy company ? They started with solar, but that went bust. Then they went into wind turbines and those froze up, however, eventually they realized that the best return on investment is creating a false AGW agenda to raise more funds for their false “green” agenda…
11. Add “Examples of Bad Science” module for the K-12 curriculum: Switching signs on proxy data that doesn’t match your story (i.e. upside down Tiljander) is bad science. Using poor proxies to prove a hockey stick (i.e. stripped bark trees) is bad science. Overweighting proxies that support your fantasy (i.e. the lonely ONE tree in Yamal) is bad science. Hiding late year proxy data that proves the unsuitability of the proxy is bad science (HIDE THE DECLINE BABY).
For sale – One hurricane making machine – only used once!
Cost – $6.4 million
Contact – Karl or Dick
The mention of henchmen made me think of Igor, as played by Marty Feldman in Young Frankenstein.
I can just see him cackling as he types out the fake memo.
Someone suggested we find a name for the faker. I think Igor is as good as any.
Offer the 6.4 million to Tom Cruise.
His mission, should he choose to accept it.
Find a proponent of AGW within the “TEAM” who genuinely would like his prognosis to be wrong .
This proposal will self destruct in 60 seconds.
PS
Tell him not to waste any time on Phil Jones, as he has already expressed his fervent hope that he is right, regardless of the implications to man/womankind.
can they use some of the money to get gores propaganda film out of the elementary curricula?
10. Build a secret
oil-powered nuclear-powered coal-poweredwhale oil-powered lair on a South Pacific Island. (Truly evil super-villains have carbon-releasing lairs powered by the cruel slaughter of sympathetic animals, which in the eyes of the radical green left is actually worse than the cruel slaughter of people – the “greenest” policy of all.)11. Order Smithers to RELEASE THE HOUNDS! (just because)
I say this because my impression of the voice used by the forger in the strategy document sounds more like a writer for the Simpsons character, Charles Montgomery Burns.
I hope the conversation between the FBI and PG happens soon, featuring the question, “Where were you and what were you doing at 2012-02-13T12:41:52-08:00,” and “Can anyone corroborate that?” and “We have a warrant to examine your computers. They will be returned to you unchanged in a timely manner.” I am worried that the US AG may obstruct it. Heartland should try to keep it at the San Francisco district office level.