I couldn’t think of a way to easily excerpt this excellent piece of satire, so I’ll just repost it with apologies in advance and ask WUWT readers to go to wendymcelroy.com and give her props. -Anthony
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My hat is off to the commenter at Watts Up With That who first dubbed the faked Heartland memo “The Protocols of the Elders of Heartland.” That quip says it all, really.
The second-best quip about the phony memo come from Megan McArdle at the Atlantic: “Basically, it reads like it was written from the secret villain lair in a Batman comic. By an intern.”
But, thinking of secret protocols and secret villain lairs made me wonder, what could this mysterious and elusive “institute” be doing with their anonymous funding? So I’m pleased to leak my very own Heartland strategy memo:
Top Ten Things Heartland Institute Will Do With $6.4 Million in Funding
10. Build a secret oil-powered nuclear-powered coal-powered lair on a South Pacific Island.
9. Arrange Arctic polar-bear hunting expeditions for wealthy contributors. With bazookas for top donors.
8. Train an armada of millions of kamikaze pigeons to fly into wind turbines, gumming up the works.
7. Replace Mitt Romney with a remote-controlled animatronic robot. Oh wait, that’s been done.
6. Exploit our Microsoft connection to install mind-controlling stroboscopic subliminal video messages in Windows Phone 7. People do use Windows Phone 7, don’t they?
5. Create the “Happy Children Fund” to provide subsidized tobacco products to pre-teens. Better yet, put it in their school lunches.
4. Genetically engineer a breed of SuperFlatulenttm cattle to emit a Gaia-destroying flood of methane into the atmosphere.
3. Re-train the armada of pigeons to defecate on solar panels. Maybe do this before #8.
2. Hijack a nuclear warhead and hold the world to ransom for one million dollars!
1. Send an obviously faked-up memo to DeSmogBlog to make them look ridiculous. Oh wait…
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Create snow and below normal temperatures at various spots around the world. Oh wait, just send Al Gore and Jim Hansen that works just as well.
🙂
Now that’s funny . . .
11. Start a Recovery Center for recovering Climatologists to help them deal with the pangs of withdrawal from a decade of Fame & Funding as they revert back to being no-name professors in unheard of backwater universities and government labs.
12. Start a Truth and Reconciliation Commission that will allow the legions of “scientists” who preferred fame and funding over proper scientific process that resulted in $$$Hundreds of $$$Billions of taxpayer’s dollars to be diverted from useful programs like Public Health and Education into utterly useless and futile Eco-Friendly Greenie Gaia Saving programs, to come clean and apologize to society.
Love the smell of Shaudenfraude in the morining…
How about develop a car that runs on orimulsion?
According to CNN with 6M$ Heartland wouldn’t even be able to provide a single toe to Steve Austin
http://money.cnn.com/galleries/2008/pf/0805/gallery.inflation_pop_culture/
13. Build and launch ‘doomsday probe’ to black out Sun, in order to prove Sun does have some influence on climate.
14. Build heated villain lair able to withstand constant outside temperature of 3 degrees K. Oh darn, should have done before 13..brrrrrr
13. Endow the “Peter Gleick Chair of Propaganda Studies” at a prominent university (if one can be found) able to commit to rigorous analysis of media propaganda in a politically correct age.
15. Rebrand as The Heatland Institute and invite Hansen, Jones et al to become board members.
Close the Office for the Receipt of Complaints.
Invent a strand of science that runs on bullshit.
15. Carve an image of the Koch Bros at Mt. Rushmore…..then deny it.
FOIA, unleash the key to the remaining 200,000 emails!!!!
Climategate 1.0 – The Phil Jones (Hide) Memorial Edition
Climategate 2.0 – The Michael Mann (Hockey Stick) Memorial Edition
Climategate 3.0 – The Peter Gleick (Ant-climate) Memorial Edition
Maybe Heartland will start a disinformation campaign (okay another one according to Desmog) and the goal will be to undermine the words “science” and “consensus”. Muh ha ha ha ha ah
I have to admit, when I first saw Wendy’s page, I thought this was another attack on HI… but after the first few seconds the sense of humor, expressed all over her page, registered quite beautifully.
It is Not something one would find on a warmist’s page. Humor comes from Thinking people. Great list, Wendy!
Put up a prize of $6.4 million to anyone who can prove:
1. Homeopathy is science based medicine
2. Climate change is manmade
3. The Heartland Institute memo is real
Then just sit on your money and laugh.
Teach K-12 children that the greenhouse effect may not exist. Oh wait, they already are doing that.
Anthony
Just seen on the Carpe Diem site thenplug for the new film on frakking by Phelim et al. They need some funding. Think you should give a plug here. Takes too long on iPad to scroll down through T&N.
Cheers
Paul
11. Apply to Greenpeace for a grant as they seem to have lots of money:
http://anotherviewonclimate.wordpress.com/2011/06/29/money-funding-greenpeace-and-being-green-pays-rather-well/
Anthony: Although the link still takes you to the website, in it you’ve spelled “mcelroy” wrong.
They can do all that with 6.4 mil? That Heartland Institute really knows how to stretch a buck!
11. Apply to Johnny Carson’s estate for the rights to dedicate the “Stinky Frostheimer” lie detector skit to climate alarmism, when and wherever appropriate, and that it be re-dubbed the “Stinky Gleickheimer” skit.
http://www.yourememberthat.com/media/8079/Johnny_Carson_Lie_Detector_Skit/
Wrong Spelling for Wendy McElroy…but the link is correct. FYI
16. Buy 10 million fridges and leave the doors open, to try and “Hide the Increase” in global
temp.
Oh, sorry, been done……