Update: We Now Have Only 12 Seconds Left Until Climate Change Destroys The Planet

From The Babylon Bee.

April 30th, 2019

WORLD—A new update issued by watchdog groups on climate change indicated this afternoon that we only have 12 seconds left until climate change destroys the planet.

We previously thought we had just 12 years, then 10 years, but the latest update indicates that we have well under a minute.

“The earth will be totally destroyed in the next, oh, 12 seconds,” said Beto O’Rourke at a rally. “If you don’t give the government a bunch of money and power, it will happen. Trust me.”

“So hand over the cash, guys,” he said. “Like, now. I’m super serious.”

Final punchline at Babylon Bee.

66 thoughts on “Update: We Now Have Only 12 Seconds Left Until Climate Change Destroys The Planet

    • Oh. Good thing you pointed that out; it is so much like the usual greenie sites, it is hard to tell.

      • Snopes frequently fact checks the bee and pages have been taken down from Facebook because apparently folks can not figure out the satirical nature.

    • The only difference between satirical sites and the main stream media is that satirical sites admit they are lying.

    • So how are they any different from the climate cult sites?

    • Please everyone, note that this is from a SATIRICAL site.

      Good thing you pointed that out Susan, as the climate alarmists have long since devolved into a living parody of themselves that these days its not always easy to spot the difference between satire and the real deal.

    • Everyone should bookmark the Babylon Bee website. Use it to relax and lower your blood pressure after you read yet another lie by leftists, which will be every day. Just reading their headlines is hilarious

      At first I was concerned, that as a long-time atheist, I would not enjoy a “Christian” website. Boy, was I wrong. Christians have a GREAT sense of humor, love life, and love our country. It’s the leftists who are always miserable (when not drunk), forever complaining about our country,
      and worried about our planet (climate change).
      However … I didn’t think this 12-second story was a funny as possible because the leftist trick is to predict climate doom YEARS in the future.
      Robert Francis Beto O’Rourke, the crazed hand waver, is at 10 years right now. I’m waiting for some other Democrat to claim 8 years left.
      Claiming 5 years, or 2 years, would have been a more believable headline for satire — 12 seconds was too obviously going to be a joke.
      I try to “one up” leftists all the time, after they claim some catastrophe is on the way. If they say we have 12 years to act on climate change, for example, I seriously claim that new research proves we have only 6 years left — leftists will believe almost anything that supports their narrative — no questions asked. Try it.
      But 12 seconds is not believable, so not as funny as two years would have been, in my opinion. Not that my own jokes are so great — only 43% of them are even recognized as jokes after I tell them.

    • Thanos is so unlike climatistas. He is entirely unbiased and fair in his solution, he is honest about his motives, he actually has great power, he is self sacrificing, he loves life and he takes action without virtue signaling.

      He is much better than any climate activist.

  1. Nonsense, everyone knows that the planet was already destroyed in 2005 by climate change.

  2. I think the part ‘….. destroyed to make way for a Vogon bypass’ is missing.

  3. I think the part ‘….. destroyed to make way for a Vogon hyperspace bypass’ is missing.

  4. Thank goodness for that, I yawned and thought I’d missed it!

    I’m just off to tell the newts in the small garden pond I put in a couple of years ago that – according to the information Gerry of England posted in another, now closed, thread – they shouldn’t be there since the water is only about 18 inches deep and experts say they have to have 3 feet. I suppose they’ll have to move with all the kids now. Shame, but at least all the dragonflies are thriving.

    • East ‘anglica’ did you say Modeterately?
      Are you anywhere near Phil Joneses central command where all the top ‘scientists’ are – you lucky man.
      You will be getting a heads up on the latest ‘science’ before the rest of us.

      • Patrick, fortunately not too close to UEA (alternative title: Universal Extinction Anytime). East Anglia is quite big, a bit like the equivalent of Texas but without the oil.

        • East Anglia as big as Texas? Ok, Victoria in Australia is about three times the size of the UK. New South Wales (NSW) is about three times the size of Victoria. NSW is bigger than Texas.

        • Texas is about 750 miles across north to south, and 770 miles across east to west. East Anglia is about 100 miles north to south and 100 miles east to west. I’ll grant the three county area is large for a region of England, but Texas is insanely large.

          I’ve driven across both and East Anglia is an easy day trip to traverse, see something, and return, while driving across Texas is a major expedition.

          • . . . driving across Texas is a major expedition

            Take I-40. It’s shorter.

          • Did that route going from St Louis to LA back before I-40 was finished farther west. It is much shorter, but then you have to go across Oklahoma, are you really gaining anything?

  5. It raises a good point though. There is an immense lack of understanding how long a major project infinitessimally smaller than this takes to do. To open one major mine takes 8 to 10yrs for example. Competitive financing once you have completed a bankable feasibility study can take more than a year. Banks, comercial fund entities have to hire engineering firms to do detailed due diligence reviews, site visits, insisting that aspects need to be changed, re-engineered, sampling , assays, etc for verification….

    Re GND of Ocasio, WWII could take place quicker because all military are practicing continuously, having war games, upgrading equipment, ships, planes and continuous training. We can start a war in days! We are always preparing for one. Sorry, starting WWIII is even more infinitessimal a project than starting up a mine.

    Doing a complete scrap of our major tranportation technology, energy generation, industries, manufacturing… The installations themselves would take at least half a century After we have fully developed the replacement. We can’t just learn by doing. We would have to have robust tech that works. We’ve taken a third of a century and multitrillions to demonstrate that windmills and solar dont stand up. If anything, they themselves are our best effort to create a mass extinction.

    This is why there is going to be a lot of very clinically sick people – Nothing Will Be Done! Things will unfold the old fashion way with technical, economic progress making our choices. Any like to bet? I think we should set up a betting pool. I would definitely buy shares in one betting that this silliness is going nowhere.. Betting real cash would cut back on on the zeal and hyperbole of crazed activist alternate realities..

  6. someone send this to Ex reb and greta….they can have a total meltdown and save us the time waiting for them to turn turtle;-)

  7. Can’t they make it a round 30 minutes? At least I could make a cuppa tea, sit down, have a biscuit (Cookie) and contemplate my navel! My wife will be trying to decide what pair of shoes to wear to go shopping for more shoes and the kids won’t even know as they will be surfing the web oblivious to the real world outside.

  8. The biggest effect of climate change is to make time stand still……..; at least that means that all the predictions will be correct! /sarc

  9. Nah – they’re 10,000 years and 12 seconds too late 🙁

    The actual Train Wreck occurred when we started ‘settled farming’ – we’ve just been scavenging off and picking bits out of the wreckage ever since.

    Today’s random thought/quiz
    Find out what ‘Grass Staggers’ is.
    (UK term describing something awful that happens to livestock. Cows & sheep esp)

    Strangely a lot of it happened in France at the same time as the UK was having its outbreak of Mad Cow Disease – the symptoms being identical. Vive la Differance eh not bonjour oui oui Monsieur. Ho ho trez bien.

    Then we hear around here how: “The Stupid Burns Like a Magnesium Flare”

    Now contemplate that 58% of the US population are currently deemed to be deficient in – Magnesium
    I’d assert it to be just one of the hazards of Settled Agriculture.

    Small World innit

  10. As a public service to provide some relief to everyone here, I present an unresolved issue that might be considered and decided within a 12 second window,

    “Will Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s Baby Have an Accent?”

    • What’s the towing capacity of a skateboard? I’m retired, and my wife and I like to travel in a 27 foot trailer (caravan).

  11. If it wasn’t for Global Warming/Climate Change, pretty much all of Canada and about 1/5 of northern USA would still be under as much as a mile of ice (Laurentide Ice Sheet – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laurentide_Ice_Sheet). It’s pretty hard to BBQ in your backyard in Chicago being under a mile of ice. Questions: 1) was it a bad thing that all that ice (glaciers) melted? 2) did mankind have anything to do the ice melt?
    Go Climate Change! Go Global Warming! Go Mother Nature! Yeah BABY, God is good.

    • Climate emergency week will be followed by climate crisis week, followed by climate emergency crisis week followed by crisis month, etc.

      Then they will grow up, have kids and in 30 years they’ll be telling their kids: “when we were young we used to march to save the climate … not these daft campaigns you kids do now”.

  12. “Like, I’m serious…”

    OK, I guess the best response/question would be, “And how many billions in cash did the adoring audience cough forth, after that rally?” OK, divide by 1,000 and call it millions. Lots, right? No? No? Divide by 1,000 and call it thousands (i.e. meaningless). Were there fishes-and-loaves baskets full of thousand-dollar bills, Beto? No? … why not?

    This is the point, at the end: pölïtical call-to-extraordinary-immediate-action is entirely an empty rhetorical device, destined to vapidity, banality and forgetableness.

    Thus it goes.
    Give! Give! Give! Save the World! Give! Give! Give!

    Just saying,
    GoatGuy ✓

  13. “Like, now. I’m super serious.”

    South Park repeatedly has had Al Gore say “super cereal”…

  14. 12 seconds passed and, although you didn’t notice anything, the world got destroyed, I tell you. Destroyed now meaning that there’s nothing you can do to avoid destruction even if it looks perfectly fine at this moment. Erm… Nothing? Hey, wait a minute. Of course there are things you can do, I didn’t really mean nothing. You can still give me huge amounts of power and money, of course. The world will be destroyed anyway, but we can still maybe skip the worst, and live in a destroyed world with less inconveniences than in a, say, super destroyed world, right? So give all of that to me, before the next 12 seconds pass, so that we can avoid a super destruction.

    12 more seconds have passed and, although you again didn’t notice anything, the world is now guaranteed to get SUPER destroyed. But, you know what? There are still a few things that you can do. Give me all the power and money and we may still be able to avoid a super mega hiper total destruction. I tell you, there is still some hope in the middle of the promised hopelessness. You just need to give me the money. And you have 12 seconds.

    12 more seconds, super mega hiper total destruction guaranteed to happen, and you still are not giving me the money? F*ck, this is not working… I need to find an asperger teenager…

  15. We’re still here!!!

    But Greta says not—so now I’m confused…..but still here nonetheless.

  16. LOL
    This tragic development means that humanity won’t have time to correct climate change, and our writers probably won’t even have time to finish thi

    well done 🙂

  17. As a kid I clearly remember thinking-how good it is that we have outgrown the old days with mass scare campaigns,propaganda, witch hunts, persecuting people for telling the inconvenient truth, pagan virgin sacrifices and superstition. Then I realize that humanity has not woken up – we are rapidly heading to a return to the old days under the guise of “progress.”The only box that has not been ticked yet is the sacrifices. Here in Australia, we are poised to elect a government that will destroy the economy completely with its pagan fanaticism on climate change. How convenient that pre-polling has begun, bit the cost of all the green lunacy has not been revealed. It is likely to be in the trillions -remember, our population is only 25 million and swelling daily with groups that often refuse to contribute to society. It will only be a matter of time before they start reducing the carbon footprint by reducing populations.

  18. Flora and fauna is doing well for the wrong reasons. Non- native species are crowding out native species. The fact it costs billions to control illustrates the success across the planet.

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