Science, Engineering, and other related jokes

No Aggie Joakes!
Heh …
Three engineers — one from Caltech, one from MIT, and one from Texas A&M — were having a friendly discussion in a bar when the subject turned to great inventions. The MIT grad opined that the greatest invention of all time was fire. “Fire transformed the world! It gave us light at night, it kept us warm in the cold, and it let us cook food, and smelt metals, and power engines … Yes, fire has to be the greatest invention in history.”
“I respectfully disagree,” the Caltech man said. “The greatest invention in history is the one that made history itself possible: writing. Writing let us record our very thoughts and transmit them through space and time, down the generations. It made civilization possible. Hard-won knowledge need never be lost — in a sense, writing enabled us to transcend death itself!”
“No …” the Aggie said thoughtfully, “I think the greatest invention of all time would have to be the Thermos.”
“The Thermos?!” the others exclaimed.
“Well, sure!” said the Aggie. “Look — it keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold. … How does it know?!

Extending that logic, you could prove 0 = 1.The nearest neighbor of 0.9999r to the left is also equal to 0.9999r, so it too is equal to 1. Repeat the process infinitely until you reach a = 0.0000…0001 with an infinite number of zeroes after the decimal point and a 1 at the end. Since we know a = 1, and there is no separation between 0 and 1, then 0 must equal 1.

I do not think that this word “infinity” means what you think it means…;-)
(How near is the nearest neighbor in the limit, exactly?)
Just to be picky, all of this stuff is well understood and a part of the mathematics of series, sets, and limits, see the “You fellows ought to know your limits” joke above.
I assume everybody has seen this one, but if not it is amusing.
Let .
Then, multiply by y:
Subtract from both sides:
Factor:
Divide out :
But remember, , so:

and when we divide out the x we get:
Finally, we subtract 1 from both sides to get:
.
Since we have now proven a contradiction, we can introduce this relation into any system of logic and prove anything you like:
It is true that 1 = 1, so it is certainly correct to say that the statement “1 = 1 OR the ocean will rise 1 meter over the next decade” is true. However, we have just proven that 1 = 0, which contradicts 1 = 1. Therefore the second clause in the OR statement must be true, and we have proven that the ocean will rise 1 meter over the next decade.
One can play dangerously similar games with Godelian loops (self-referential statements that can be neither true nor false) if one ignores their undecidability:
If either this statement or the next statement is false, then pigs have wings.
If either this statement or the previous statement is true, then pigs have wings.
If we assume the Law of the Excluded Middle (that all propositions must be true or false), at least one of these two statements must be true — or false. Either way, we conclude that we need to watch for aerial bombardments with piggie-poop.
The latter Godelian-style false syllogism is one of the most dangerous in all of human discourse, because one usually encounters it mixed in with long political ramblings that hide the undecidability or self-reference. It is also a fundamental tenet of nearly all religious scripture, which somewhere or other assures us (self-referentially) that the scripture itself is true.
Epimenedes, a Cretan, once (proverbially) stated: “All Cretans are always liars”.
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Three mathematicians walk into a bar. You’d think the third one would have ducked.
A sphere walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve spheres here.” The disgruntled sphere walks outside, but then gets an idea and performs Dahn surgery upon himself. He walks into the bar, and the bartender, who does not recognize him but thinks he looks familiar (or at least locally similar) asks, “Aren’t you that sphere that just came in here?” “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
sin(x) walks into a bar and asks for drink. The barman declines: “We don’t cater for functions.”
There’s this farmer, and he has these chickens, but they won’t lay any eggs. So, he calls a physicist to help. The physicist then does some calculations, and he says, “Um, I have a solution, but it only works with spherical chickens in a vacuum.”
A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the issue. After one year, the groups all reported to the investors. The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable racehorse, but it would take 200 years and $100bn. The statisticians reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a cost of $100m per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time. Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple. The investors listened eagerly to this proposal. The head physicist reported, “We have made several simplifying assumptions: first, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere…”
A friend who’s in liquor production,
Has a still of astounding construction,
The alcohol boils,
Through old magnet coils,
He says that it’s proof by induction.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others’ copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says “the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!”
A statistician is someone who tells you, when you’ve got your head in the fridge and your feet in the oven, that you’re – on average – very comfortable.
The floods had subsided, and Noah had safely landed his ark on Mount Sinai. “Go forth and multiply!” he told the animals, and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants. Then he heard something he didn’t recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal’s offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw. “What on earth are you doing?” he cried. “You’re destroying the trees!” “Well Noah,” the snakes replied, “we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we’re adders… so we have to use logs.”
A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them baptized. She kept the other as a control.
A chemistry teacher is recruited as a radio operator in the first world war. He soon becomes familiar with the military habit of abbreviating everything. As his unit comes under sustained attack, he is asked to urgently inform his HQ. “NaCl over NaOH! NaCl over NaOH!” he says. “NaCl over NaOH?” shouts his officer. “What do you mean?” “The base is under a salt!” came the reply.
A mosquito was heard to complain
That chemists had poisoned her brain.
The cause of her sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
diphenyl-trichloroethane.
A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.” The patient says: “What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.”
Psychiatrist to patient: “Don’t worry. You’re not deluded. You only think you are.”
A physicist walks into a bar, orders a beer, and turns to the stool next to him to offer it a beer. He finishes his drink and leaves. The next day he returns to the bar, orders a beer, and offers a beer to the stool next to him before finishing his drink and leaving. This continues for a week before the bartender finally asks, “Why in the world do you keep offering that stool a beer?” The physicist replies “Quantum physics indicate that there is a possibility that at some point the matter above this stool could reform into a beautiful woman, who would then accept the drink.” The bartender is puzzled for a second before replying, “The bar is full of beautiful women. Why not see if one of them will accept your drink?” The physicist laughs and says, “Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?”
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender approaches him and asks, “Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?” Descartes replies “I think not,” and promptly vanishes.
Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?
A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red.
There is a sign in Munich that says, “Heisenberg might have slept here.”
A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church, but the preacher says, “Get out of here, you are a disgrace; you call yourself the ‘God particle’ when there is only one true God!” The Higgs Boson replie,s “Well if I am not here, how can you have mass?”
I modified this one:
The computer programmer comes running excitedly into the AGW alarmist’s office, waving a graph taken off the latest climate model. “Hmmm,” says the alarmist, “That’s exactly where you’d expect to see that peak. Here’s the reason (long explanation follows).” In the middle of it, the programmer says, “Wait a minute,” studies the chart for a second, and says, “Oops, this is upside down.” He fixes it. “Hmmm,’ says the alarmist, “you’d expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here’s the reason…”

Despite satellites, sophisticated computer programs and masters degree
university courses in the science/voodoo of weather predicting, there
continues to be a somewhat ironic aspect to weather prognostication.
It’s almost as if God wants to emphasize that no matter how
smarty-pants humans become, He still has control over the Xbox weather
generator.
Verily, Weatherman and Weatherwoman mysteriously evolved into one
generic life form called “meteorologist,” a designation curiously
unrelated to meteors. (Well, maybe not completely. An early
meteorologist, upon seeing a meteor the size of Madagascar smash into
the Earth near the Yucatan Peninsula 60 million years ago, correctly
predicted “partly scattered dinosaurs and a 55 percent chance of an
ice age. Overcoat and umbrella recommended.”)
Apparently, the main reason for the creation of the term
“meteorologist” was to render all weathermen, weatherwomen and
weatherperson jokes and witticisms null and void. (Bob Dylan, for
instance, never said, “You don’t need a meteorologist to know which
way the wind blows.”)
It was the spotty track record of weather predictions that led to an
entire genre of jokes about those who attempted to predict the
weather, such as, “A weatherman and weatherwoman walk into a train.
They didn’t see that coming either.”
The last truly funny weatherman jokes came from comedian George
Carlin’s “Hippy Dippy Weatherman,” who reported “Tonight’s forecast:
Dark. With continued dark until partly scattered light in the morning.
We see that overnight our low was 35. The high was 215 degrees. That
was during a fire at the weather bureau.” You’ll note that the
venerable Carlin, though he continues to perform despite being 127
years old, has never had to update that bit.
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record
of forecasting for the local newscast.
He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record
of his predictions and showed that he’d been wrong almost three hundred
times in a single year.
That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part
of the country and applied for a similar job.
One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his
previous position. Hopkins wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”

“rgbatduke says:
July 10, 2014 at 5:51 am
Extending that logic, you could prove 0 = 1”
A lady once asked Bertrand Russel about this. “Does 3= 2 prove you are the pope?”
Russell replied, ” Subtract 1 from each side of the equation. You get 2=1.
You will agree that I am one and the pope and I are two.
But 2 = 1, therefore I am the pope.”

F. Ross says:
July 9, 2014 at 11:40 pm
” If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.”
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My vote for best joke on the American people.

You divided by (x-y), which is zero. Naughty, naughty.
#14 would be funnier if he was walking downhill.

Didn’t see these two above:
Q: How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome? A; Pull down their genes!
Also: Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic! …(Shorter version of Higgs Bozon above.)