I couldn’t think of a way to easily excerpt this excellent piece of satire, so I’ll just repost it with apologies in advance and ask WUWT readers to go to wendymcelroy.com and give her props. -Anthony
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My hat is off to the commenter at Watts Up With That who first dubbed the faked Heartland memo “The Protocols of the Elders of Heartland.” That quip says it all, really.
The second-best quip about the phony memo come from Megan McArdle at the Atlantic: “Basically, it reads like it was written from the secret villain lair in a Batman comic. By an intern.”
But, thinking of secret protocols and secret villain lairs made me wonder, what could this mysterious and elusive “institute” be doing with their anonymous funding? So I’m pleased to leak my very own Heartland strategy memo:
Top Ten Things Heartland Institute Will Do With $6.4 Million in Funding
10. Build a secret oil-powered nuclear-powered coal-powered lair on a South Pacific Island.
9. Arrange Arctic polar-bear hunting expeditions for wealthy contributors. With bazookas for top donors.
8. Train an armada of millions of kamikaze pigeons to fly into wind turbines, gumming up the works.
7. Replace Mitt Romney with a remote-controlled animatronic robot. Oh wait, that’s been done.
6. Exploit our Microsoft connection to install mind-controlling stroboscopic subliminal video messages in Windows Phone 7. People do use Windows Phone 7, don’t they?
5. Create the “Happy Children Fund” to provide subsidized tobacco products to pre-teens. Better yet, put it in their school lunches.
4. Genetically engineer a breed of SuperFlatulenttm cattle to emit a Gaia-destroying flood of methane into the atmosphere.
3. Re-train the armada of pigeons to defecate on solar panels. Maybe do this before #8.
2. Hijack a nuclear warhead and hold the world to ransom for one million dollars!
1. Send an obviously faked-up memo to DeSmogBlog to make them look ridiculous. Oh wait…
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Gary Hladik says (February 18, 2012 at 5:32 pm): “But serially, comparing Anthony and, say, James Hansen, I’d estimate their credibility is inversely proportional to their respective senses of humor. :-)”
Er, heh heh, what I meant was, my intelligence is inversely proportional to my sense of humor, and Hansens’s credibility is proportional to his sense of humor! Yeah, that’s it. Heh heh.
And remember, anybody who makes fun of my mistake has no credibility! 🙂
19. Fund the Ministry of Plausible Numbers.
The Ministry would consist of Charles, Anne, George, and the Director, Wilma. When someone wants a plausible number for say, the change in temperature for a doubling of CO2, they call the Ministry and the Charles, Anne, and George kick it around a bit and come up with something like 1.5 to 3.2 Celcius degrees. If someone wants to know the rate of sea level rise, they kick that around and come up with 18 to 22 meters by 2050. Totally made up but plausible IF…
Think of the money it would save, too. We pay countless thousands of government employees to collect, shred, slice, dice, tabulate, formulate, collate, and color untold thousands of reports that nobody reads or believes anyhow. They could all be replaced by three people that just make up plausible numbers.
Moderators, whole comments since mine at 5:32 pm appear in italics. I hope it’s not because I left out that “close italics” tag in my 5:32 pm comment. 🙁
[REPLY: Found & Fixed. Thanks. Don’t do it again. ;>} -REP]
Oops, Mods. Forgot to close the italics and wouldn’t want to screw up a thread. Fix it? Thanks!
[REPLY: Already dealt with, but thanks for the alert. -REP]
Frank K. says:
February 18, 2012 at 8:58 am
“Of course, $6.4 million is just a drop in the bucket compared to the BILLIONS in Climate Ca$h ™ that our climate elites get.”
They are incapable of understanding! They DEEP DOWN believe that the skeptics (sic) have unimaginable funds whilst they, the poor, misunderstood scientists, are working away in a garret on a miserly dime. After all Hansen has denied his $1.6 million (sic) “because it was paid to his grandchildren.” DO WE BELIEVE that BS !
[SNIP: David, sorry, but the comment you are citing barely made it through moderation. Your gratuitous addition is just a step too far. -REP]
johnnyrvf says:
February 18, 2012 at 12:23 pm
Hey! Isn’t that Roger Glover of Deep Purple on Bass? in the Nazareth clip.
Sorry to go off topic.
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Now we are talking. You have just ‘forced’ me to dig out Deep Purple in Rock. I have resisted the CO2, the albedo, the air pressure, the shifting of the Earth on its axis, the Sunspots and mooncyles – but thanks to your post my quivering hand is ‘forced’ … aaaaah … eternal void. Time to dig out the Hawkwind albums.
Oh, and to the poster who so carefully and at such length explained the role of satire to this dumb bunny – here’s a tip. If you have to explain it, it’s not working.
@ur momisugly johanna
The past few days have been very serious blogging. Some of us could indeed be seen as acting like ‘frat boys in the basement” in this thread. It’s party time as the threat could be analogized as ‘the attacking suicide bomber wasn’t very smart and ran back into his own ranks and exploded causing many impoding heads within his ranks’. But we are very polite. You never hear what we say when you are not present. ;>)
Certain people adopt very readily a tactic of repeating statements without regard to the truth of the matter. We have no effective means of controlling this, so it will always continue as a “tactic.”
This is just one example of millions.
And it will go on as long as the “climate debate,” or longer.
A year from now, people will still be posting the faked information, as a distraction. And it will work, because you have to respond to it or they “win,” in their minds anyway. And it derails the conversation. So they will keep doing it.
Because it works, and there’s no real downside to lying. Credibility isn’t really relevant anymore.
Which is why we’re still arguing about this, decades on.
@ur momisugly johanna
Check the WUWT catagory of ths thread, Satire, Humor? OK boys, grab me another beer from the fridge and catch me if I stumble down the stairs!
Merovign says:
February 18, 2012 at 8:06 pm
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“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”
Napoleon Bonaparte
Just shows a dollar/pound well spent on the truth, is worth many millions spent trying to prove a lie is true.
James Bull
I google searched HI in the news. Few hits and I would say the public is not interested. Most people never heard of Heartland or skeptics period.
Some lunatic greeny/warmy blogs are absolutely rabid. The whole thing has flopped.
So much for the omnipotent reach of BIG OIL. Nobody cares.
joanna is a serial concern troll. Ignore.
As JamesD points out, Anthony has to date been paid bupkis. There is a proposed budget, half of which has been covered by an anonymous donor, but the full amount has not yet been raised, and the project is not yet approved, much less under way.
post vanished, no “moderation” message, duplicate posting bounces.
johanna – so far, you’re the only person here to whom I’ve had to explain it.
IGOR
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_66XsnfkyZ5g/TDjoPyP101I/AAAAAAAAEOg/RVx-P0OuIdM/s1600/4.jpg
Very fuuny. I especially liked the PPS:
“P.P.S. If you’re visiting here from DeSmogBlog, do please note that all of the above was made up by me. It’s not a real Heartland strategy memo. Just to be clear.”
Robin
thanks for the giggles, and that is a thank you to all of the frat boys……
Some people need to get a life!!…and yes I am a woman, and I enjoyed the jokes.
What are we going to do today, Brain?
The same thing we do every day Pinky; try to take over the world!
I think we should cut johanna some slack. Fart jokes, like the 3 Stooges, as something just about every male understands as basic to what is funny and which just about every female shakes their head about and wonders when we will grow up.
I think the women may be right on this, but will continue to laugh at both fart jokes and the 3 Stooges.
Personal aside – my brothers and I used to think our dad came up with the “Pull my finger.” joke. Fell off the coach laughing the first time I heard Bill Cosby do it.