New mystery appliance is the antithesis of the green dream

What sort of new appliance is so hip, so cool, so stylish, so sophisticated, so much a work of art…that you’d put it in your glass penthouse living room, so that you could impress your hot model girlfriend? Don’t look just yet. I’ll give you a hint. It has an iPod dock, speakers, a light, motion sensor activation, motorized access, and a touch screen remote. It only costs $6400. Make your best guess now.

Here’s what it looks like after dark, after you and hot model chick have knocked back a bottle of Opus One and you let the gadget’s soft glow set the mood for what comes next.

What could such a home appliance be? Answer below.

Yes that’s right, the new NUMI super toilet from Kohler flushes green dreams and your cash!

We’ve been told time and again the importance of using a single sheet of toilet paper so as to not stress Gaia’s natural state, that we should put bricks in our toilet tank to reduce the amount of water used, and even that we should all be like eco saint Ed Begley Jr., who doesn’t use any water at all, but composts his, er, crap.

Some greenists say we should be “…radically abandoning the flush toilet – one of the world’s most destructive habits, absorbing 40% of water available for domestic consumption and contaminating everything in its way”.

So imagine the howling that will now ensue with the worlds largest indoor plumbing fixture company tossing all those ideas down the toilet, and reincarnating it as a must have hipster item that is marketed in a way like a Ferrari is marketed to a guy with only one thing on his mind. Of course if that doesn’t work out, you can always compost your girlfriend.

Truly, it is the Poop de Grace of toilets.

Here’s the remote:

Here’s the feature list:

• Motion Activated Lid and Seat – Front sensors react to your movement when

  you enter the room for hands-free opening and closing of the cover. Motion at the floor-level engages sensors to raise and lower seat.

• Advanced Bidet Functionality – Self-cleaning wand features multiple options for

  water spray pattern. Adjust wand position, water pressure and temperature to your preferences

• Integrated Air Dryer – Located in the wand for more efficient drying.
• Deodorizer – Air is pulled through a powerful deodorizing charcoal filter.
• Heated Seat – Warms the seat to your comfort level.
• Feet Warming – Warm air from floor-level vents, heats the floor surface and warms your feet.
• Illuminated Panels – Ambient lighting illuminates your space with a soft, inviting glow.
• Music –  Built-in speakers allow you to play a selection from the Numi toilet’s pre-programmed audio, FM radio or to connect your MP3 player through the audio input jack in the remote docking station.
• Touch Screen Remote Fine tune every option to your personal preference. Magnetic Docking Station Charges and stores the remote.
• User Presets – Easily customize and recall your saved preferences.
• Numi Flush Technology – A sophisticated, automatic flush system delivers unprecedented water savings and power.
• Auxiliary Controls – Allows you to control basic functionality without use of the remote.

What, no self cleaning bowl? Personally if I was given one, I’d program the “Numi toilet’s pre-programmed audio” to play a “A Time for Tony” so I could “Think”.

Now the real question is: how many will Al Gore, Sheryl Crowe, and Leonardo DiCaprio buy? I can see this as the new green cred question asked on the red carpet – “is it true that you own a Numi?”