What sort of new appliance is so hip, so cool, so stylish, so sophisticated, so much a work of art…that you’d put it in your glass penthouse living room, so that you could impress your hot model girlfriend? Don’t look just yet. I’ll give you a hint. It has an iPod dock, speakers, a light, motion sensor activation, motorized access, and a touch screen remote. It only costs $6400. Make your best guess now.
Here’s what it looks like after dark, after you and hot model chick have knocked back a bottle of Opus One and you let the gadget’s soft glow set the mood for what comes next.
What could such a home appliance be? Answer below.
Yes that’s right, the new NUMI super toilet from Kohler flushes green dreams and your cash!
We’ve been told time and again the importance of using a single sheet of toilet paper so as to not stress Gaia’s natural state, that we should put bricks in our toilet tank to reduce the amount of water used, and even that we should all be like eco saint Ed Begley Jr., who doesn’t use any water at all, but composts his, er, crap.
Some greenists say we should be “…radically abandoning the flush toilet – one of the world’s most destructive habits, absorbing 40% of water available for domestic consumption and contaminating everything in its way”.
So imagine the howling that will now ensue with the worlds largest indoor plumbing fixture company tossing all those ideas down the toilet, and reincarnating it as a must have hipster item that is marketed in a way like a Ferrari is marketed to a guy with only one thing on his mind. Of course if that doesn’t work out, you can always compost your girlfriend.
Truly, it is the Poop de Grace of toilets.
Here’s the remote:
Here’s the feature list:
- Motion Activated Lid and Seat – Front sensors react to your movement when
you enter the room for hands-free opening and closing of the cover. Motion at the floor-level engages sensors to raise and lower seat.
- Advanced Bidet Functionality – Self-cleaning wand features multiple options for
water spray pattern. Adjust wand position, water pressure and temperature to your preferences
- Integrated Air Dryer – Located in the wand for more efficient drying.
- Deodorizer – Air is pulled through a powerful deodorizing charcoal filter.
- Heated Seat – Warms the seat to your comfort level.
- Feet Warming – Warm air from floor-level vents, heats the floor surface and warms your feet.
- Illuminated Panels – Ambient lighting illuminates your space with a soft, inviting glow.
- Music – Built-in speakers allow you to play a selection from the Numi toilet’s pre-programmed audio, FM radio or to connect your MP3 player through the audio input jack in the remote docking station.
- Touch Screen Remote Fine tune every option to your personal preference. Magnetic Docking Station Charges and stores the remote.
- User Presets – Easily customize and recall your saved preferences.
- Numi Flush Technology – A sophisticated, automatic flush system delivers unprecedented water savings and power.
- Auxiliary Controls – Allows you to control basic functionality without use of the remote.
What, no self cleaning bowl? Personally if I was given one, I’d program the “Numi toilet’s pre-programmed audio” to play a “A Time for Tony” so I could “Think”.
Now the real question is: how many will Al Gore, Sheryl Crowe, and Leonardo DiCaprio buy? I can see this as the new green cred question asked on the red carpet – “is it true that you own a Numi?”
“What, no self cleaning bowl?”
Hah!
Was just going to ask that question meself, Anthony!
On the other hand – anybody who is willing to spend that amount of money on a mere loo has certainly a sufficiently large number of domestics, so no need to worry about a little petitesse like cleaning the loo …
Every one should have to go though using the old reliable in a NE Oregon blizzard.
(insert your favorite are/bilizzard here). My Granma’s ranch had a two holer for
luxury. -It was fun when a cousin would walk up to the locked door..”Open UP!
I ain’t doing a jig out here! Gran’s locked the house! and Barn’s too far! OOOpenn UUUPPP!.”
Sometimes revenge is best served cold…
I want one!
Of course, I’m talking about the hot model.
In fact, I want two!!!
This guy may have trouble getting second dates and electrocution is a possibility and embarrassing.
OK, but is it low flush?
An appliance for the limo libs. This is where Boxer and Gore get their brilliant ideas to save the planet. Meanwhile, for the peasant class, tasked with saving Gaia and making less than $100k, we’ll be provided with a kit with which to build our own outhouse (unheated), [closed bottom for urban locations, requiring regular servicing; open bottom for suburban and rural locations, requires adherence to EPA standards – written while using the Numi].
It the new Bidet 2.0.
Pulsating water jets? This will turn out to be a great sex toy for some.
Why the sneering at composting poop?
It makes more sense to compost it and return it to the dirt to help grow plants than to flush it away with drinking water (!) and then have to clean it out of the water before the water is released back into a stream. Properly made compost is neither smelly nor icky, even if the starter material is.
Hot model or warm toilet…… In the long run, the toilet is a lot less expensive, more functional, and easier to maintain.
In the 6.8 Nisqually earth quake of 2001 (Washington State, USA), a friend named ‘Stu’ was planted on the porcelain throne when the shaking started. He rode it out right there, which earned him the nickname ‘Stu-nami’ Stu!
I would think that the open proximity of mundane bodily functions would take some of the mystique out of the relationship, but I could be wrong. The first time I discovered the little sprayer arm thing was 20 years ago in Europe. I was sitting there, kinda bored, thinking I wonder what this button does….
Luboš Motl said:
‘I was sure it would be an iToilet.’
Does it track you everywhere you go?
Why does it have a remote??? Where are you going to be when you need to activate the controls?
Little Toilet of Horrors
NUMI: Feed me!
Seymour: Does it have to be human?
NUMI: Feed me!
Seymour: Does it have to be mine?
NUMI: Feeeed me!
Seymour: Where am I supposed to get it?
NUMI: [singing] Feed me, Seymour / Feed me all night long – That’s right, boy! – You can do it! Feed me, Seymour / Feed me all night long / Ha ha ha ha ha! / Cause if you feed me, Seymour / I can grow up big and strong.
“What, no self cleaning bowl?”
That’s what servants are for. And I doubt those perched upon this throne spend little time once there pondering the 1 billion people worldwide without enough food to eat.
Remember the Zero G toilet on the Moon Transfer ship in 2001?
Here are the instructions: http://www.ee.ryerson.ca/~elf/aso/zeroGtoilet.html
This toilet is amazing…
To all the negative comments, to say that this toilet is not useful it would be a lie. Making fun of it while using old-ways of leaving your poop is tragic.
Kenneth Russell says on April 23, 2011 at 8:52 am:
“Why does it have a remote??? Where are you going to be when you need to activate the controls?”
It’s for easing the butler’s task – of course.
I’ve heard a rumour that the iToilet won’t flush if you hold the handle like THIS – you must hold it like THAT (or buy a $30 insulating strip to ensure it works at least some of the time).
Surely much innocent fun could be had (it was just on a whim your Honour) with the NUMI superloo if a one-way mirror were installed in the enclosing room, and you retained the remote-control while visitors used the “torture-chamber”. The mind BOGgles.
Paris throws five millions a year into the sea. And this without metaphor. How, and in what manner? day and night. With what object? without any object. With what thought? without thinking of it. For what return? for nothing. By means of what organ? by means of its intestine. What is its intestine? its sewer . . . Science, after long experiment, now knows that the most fertilizing and the most effective of manures is that of man . . . A sewer is a mistake.
An early protest against the water-carriage system of sewage disposal by Victor Hugo, from Les Miserables. Toilets are wasteful of water and resources, no question. Still, in a huge city, what’s the alternative. Retrieving the value from all that stuff in the form of sewage sludge would be a step in the right direction, and it is pursued now.
amicus curiae says:
April 23, 2011 at 7:08 am
jones says:
April 23, 2011 at 5:48 am
It’s an iPOOP….
==========
the winner:-)
Seconded!!!
While growing up, my granddad mused about keeping three husked corn cobs handy. Two reds (multicolored kernels) and a white (yellow kernels). The white is to make sure you got it all.
My guess is that this was in case you ran out of the Sears Catalog.
Time out !!
Where did they get the hot model?
Can’t be American. Haven’t you heard? We’re all suffering from an obesity epidemic. Though, for the life of me, I keep seeing plentiful examples of young, trim, healthy adults all over the place.
Aptly name the NUMI, it’s a Green Coin Collector, or a numismatist.
It will necessesarily result in your movement costs skyrocketing.
Is it bio-degradable? I would think so, for when it’s full, it can be disposed of.
Where would you dispose of it? In the same place ancient cities disposed of wastes: At a place called a dung hill.
Next, we will be replacing indoor plumbing, followed by water delivery conveyances.
The Green Utopia will consist of life before the advances to civilization introduced by the Romans.
Am I the only one wondering where the sink to wash your hands after might be located?
Scott Walker says:
April 23, 2011 at 8:24 am
Oh, do you mean importing things like dung beetles to aid in decomposition?