The Weather Channel to start applying monster names to hurricanes and tropical storms

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE  – June 3, 2014

ATLANTA – In response to the study just released from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, “Female hurricanes are deadlier than male hurricanes” (2014) doi: 10.1073/pnas.1402786111 , which suggested that female named storms don’t elicit enough alarm in the general populace, resulting in lower evacuation numbers, and in keeping with the practice that TWC pioneered of naming winter storms, TWC has decided to rename Northern Hemisphere tropical storms this year, using names taken from monsters and mythology.

The study found that for highly damaging storms, the more feminine the storm’s name, the more people it killed. The team’s analysis suggests that changing a severe hurricane’s name from the masculine “Charley” to the feminine “Eloise” could nearly triple its death toll.

The authors of the PNAS study said in their press release on the paper:

“In judging the intensity of a storm, people appear to be applying their beliefs about how men and women behave,” said Sharon Shavitt, a professor of marketing at Illinois and a co-author of the report. “This makes a female-named hurricane, especially one with a very feminine name such as Belle or Cindy, seem gentler and less violent.”

“If people in the path of a severe storm are judging the risk based on the storm’s name, then this is potentially very dangerous.”

Therefore, in the interest of public safety, TWC has decided to take the initiative and apply new names that will elicit action on the part of TWC viewers.

TWC spokesperson Tiffany Bleuhard said “While many people feel they can ride out storms, as we’ve seen from actual TWC operations in the field, the only people qualified to ride out hurricanes, tropical storms, and tornadoes are trained meteorologists. Our  goal is to make sure that they take these storms seriously enough to heed official warnings. We feel that by giving the storms names that are appropriate to their intensity and risk, people will take them more seriously and let the experts do their jobs.”

The alphabetical list of TWC named storms for 2014 follows.

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TWC 2014 NAMES OF TROPICAL STORMS (with sources and translations)

Abe Sapien (Hellboy)

Beisht Kione (Irish Mythology – “The Beast With a Black Head.“)

Cyclops (one eyed monster)

Dhampir (Serbian vampire)

Ekimmu (Mesopotamian A bloodsucking ghost that resembles a pale giant with a bull’s head on its shoulders.)

Futakuchi-onna (Japanese – Woman with a second mouth on the back of her head)

Godzilla (TWC received special license for this name in exchange for promoting the movie)

Hippogriff (Renaissance invention in Orlando Furioso)

Ichthyocentaur (sea-Centaur)

Jersey Devil (Demonic dragon that was given birth to by an American living in New Jersey)

Kasha (Japanese – Cat-like demon which descends from the sky and carries away corpses)

Leviathan (Jewish – Sea monster, as seen in Job 41)

Muldjewangk (Australian Aboriginal mythology – Water monster)

Nukekubi (Japanese – Disembodied, flying head that attacks people)

Ogre (Medieval folklore – Large, grotesque humanoid)

Pollo Maligno (Colombian – Man-eating chicken spirit)

Qalupalik (Inuit mythology – Aquatic human abductor)

Rồng – (Vietnamese – Dragon)

Shen (Chinese – Shapeshifing sea monster)

Toire-no-Hanakosan (Japanese – Ghost who lurks in grade school restroom stalls)

Unktehila (Lakota – Reptilian water monster)

Vântoase (Romanian – Female bad weather spirit)

Wanyūdō (Japanese – Demon in the form of a burning ox cart with a human head)

Xing Tian (Chinese – Headless giant)

Yamata no Orochi (Japanese – Gigantic, eight-headed serpent)

Zennyo Ryūō (Japanese – Rain-making dragon)

For those who have not noticed yet, it is clearly labeled below: “This entry was posted in Humor, Satire, The Weather Channel. ”

It is entirely a satirical fabrication, but as some have noted in comments, , it’s also plausible.