September 8th, 2020
REDWOOD CITY, CA—Sports fans and gamers around the world are jubilant after EA Sports’ recent announcement that they will be adding Greta Thunberg as a playable quarterback in Madden NFL 21.
“After we added socially conscious non-football-player Colin Kaepernick as a playable QB on every team in Madden, we realized we didn’t have to stop there,” said EA’s CEO Andrew Wilson. “We are thrilled to be adding Greta Thunberg to the mix as a tremendously overpowered character! With every down, Greta will help Madden fans remember how terrible they are for killing the planet.”
According to developers, Madden NFL 21 will require players to select either Thunberg or Kaepernick as their quarterback every time. If a player refuses, the game will require them to purchase carbon credit loot crates or risk being doxed and banned from all multiplayer servers forever.
Sources have confirmed that Thunberg’s stats will even be higher than Colin Kaepernick’s already maxed-out stats. She will shriek and scream “how dare you!” or “you’ve ruined my childhood!” every time she is tackled. Players who tackle her will receive a 15-yard penalty since tackling a child is wrong. Any player who selects either character will have the option of pressing “X” at any time during a game to start a riot on the field and end the game.
Several proposed future additions to Madden NFL 21‘s roster include Rosie O’Donnell, Alyssa Milano, Jussie Smollett, Michael Moore, and the baby from the beloved children’s classic Anti-Racist Baby.
In an announcement on Twitter, EA Sports said, “We are proud to be a part of making American football a more inclusive place for influential people, as well as for anyone who still remembers what the heck American football is.”