Panel Of Third Graders To Dictate Nation’s Climate Change Policy

Friday Funny reposted with permission from The Babylon Bee


WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a panel on climate change held yesterday, the Senate brought in a group of excited third graders for ideas on fighting climate change.

“These kids have ideas and they are passionate, so we must listen to them,” said Sen. Brian Schatz of Hawaii. “There are no possible downsides to taking kids who have been told the world is ending by the public school system and allowing them to dictate national policies on important issues.”

The kids came up with the following list so far, though they say they’re “just spitballing” and the ideas need some fleshing out:

  • Bribing the climate with cookies and candy
  • Putting the climate on time-out
  • Just ignoring climate change and playing Fortnite
  • Building a giant magnet and sucking up all the bad climate stuff
  • Buying a Nintendo Switch for every person in the nation (so they’ll stay inside and play Nintendo instead of driving cars)
  • Making a big freeze ray gun like in Despicable Me and shooting the climate
  • Pointing and laughing at cows who fart so they’ll be embarrassed and stop farting
  • Hey do you guys want to play some Minecraft? This is boring.

“It’s incredibly brave for these kids to volunteer to take over our government’s climate change policies,” said Schatz as the panel convened for its seventh Fortnite break of the morning. “I’m not sure why we didn’t think of this before.”

The kids will also be asked to make policies on bedtime, homework, and candy.

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September 20, 2019 10:07 am

The people responsible for brainwashing these children should be brought up on charges of child abuse.

Reply to  Kamikazedave
September 20, 2019 11:00 am

I agree. Two of my girls in high school in the late 2000’s were forced to watch Al Gore’s movie 3 times in three different teacher’s classes in one semester.

Reply to  sendergreen
September 20, 2019 12:44 pm

As far as I’m concerned, every single kid who’s out there yelling like a fool today ought to get a big fat “F!” in science. They’ve flunked the most BASIC geology and Earth’s natural history. And their “science” teachers ought to be fired. This stuff makes them look really, REALLY STUPID. But it certainly is a way exactly how many useful idiots have been indoctrinated the world over. Gack!

Would love to know what percentage have persuaded their parents to give up cars, air travel and heating that big ol’ house, eh? Pffft!!!

Reply to  Goldrider
September 20, 2019 2:23 pm

I was driving on Macleod Trail when I had to stop for the lights at Calgary City Hall.

Just then a gang of about 50 school kids marched out into the intersection with their imbecilic signs about “Our Planet Is Burning!!!” and started chanting something like “Climate change is really real, let us tell you how we feel!”.

There were a several adults there too – probably their teachers.

I could not help but laugh – what a bunch of uneducated imbeciles – a cornucopia of stupidity.

I don’t want anyone that stupid teaching my kids.

Andy Espersen
September 20, 2019 8:15 pm

You’ve said it : “I could not help but laugh”. – and that is all we need to do.

But I do admit I loved and admired the bright, innovative ideas those super kids came up with to stop climate change. I am sure they will grow up, able also to laugh heartily at this funny episode in world politics (and their own contribution in a congressional hearing).

Robert Terrell
Reply to  Goldrider
September 20, 2019 7:16 pm

Well, hey, their ideas aren’t any stupider than the ones coming from the so-called ‘climate scientists’! Even politicians are jumping on the stupid-wagon, now! None of them seem to have an inkling of how the climate works, or what causes it to ‘change’! But that doesn’t stop them from telling everyone ELSE how to stop it! You may have noticed that THEY aren’t giving up THEIR jets and huge mansions, such as AL Gore owns.

Reply to  sendergreen
September 20, 2019 5:30 pm

Our Congress is full of cranky third graders who need a nap. A long nap, where they are SILENT and leave the US Constitution and the RIGHTS of a FREE PEOPLE the damnned hell alone

Reply to  Kamikazedave
September 20, 2019 1:35 pm

It’s not just kids. A whole raft of adults I have to spend time with are entirely convinced that the world will end in the next ten years. They talk about civilization collapsing, people only being able to inhabit the poles, most of the planet being sun-scorched wastelands… It’s frustrating, knowing that otherwise rational adults can be so thoroughly brainwashed to believe utterly impossible things.

I feel like an atheist at an evangelical meeting.

Pat Frank
Reply to  Archer
September 20, 2019 6:59 pm

You are, Archer. Exactly that.

September 20, 2019 10:10 am

Why are they scaring little children with the world is going to end lies? The u.n and ipcc has been lying for over forty years (if wrong please correct me) Yet with the billions of dollars they have got in funds, they have done nothing, absolutely Nothing to stop the scam of climate change 😐

Richard S Courtney
Reply to  Sunny
September 21, 2019 2:18 am


You say,
“The u.n and ipcc has been lying for over forty years (if wrong please correct me)”

You are almost right and the difference from being right is significant.

The United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (UN IPCC) was established in 1988 .

Hence, warmunists can refute your statement as being untrue because the IPCC has only existed for 31 years and, therefore, I suggest you amend your statement to be,
“The u.n and ipcc has been lying for over thirty years.”

I hope this is helpful.


Ron Long
September 20, 2019 10:40 am

I’m guessing the 3rd graders upped the intellectual level of Senate Democrats by a fair amount. Here’s a Reality Check: how is a 3rd grader supposed to deal with confronting the idea of end of life on the earth? See Kamikazedave above, he’s got the right idea.

September 20, 2019 10:42 am

Art imitates life. This has been a childish charade all along.

September 20, 2019 10:58 am

ahh the bee, bravely stinging snipes…..I mean snopes….when no others dare 🙂

September 20, 2019 10:58 am

It’s definite improvement from the kindergarten of the IPCC.

michael hart
September 20, 2019 11:01 am

“These kids have ideas and they are passionate, so we must listen to them,” said Sen. Brian Schatz of Hawaii.”

Well, maybe Brian Schatz did.
Seems to me that there are way too many senators when they have time to do this sort of stuff.

John Garrett
September 20, 2019 11:11 am

+500 !!

Thomas Homer
September 20, 2019 11:13 am

Can we ask the 3rd grade panel if the base of the food chain should be designated a pollutant?

James Beaver
Reply to  Thomas Homer
September 20, 2019 1:53 pm

Perhaps we should begin by asking them if we should -stop- designating the base of the food chain (CO2) as a pollutant, as it is presently designated as such by the EPA.

September 20, 2019 11:15 am

They shut down the downtown Main St in Brattleboro today for a few hours. I’m sure the local businesses were quite pleased. They also ran a full page “open letter” which was sent to all local school principals and boards of education pleading to let the students out of school for the “Climate Crisis” strike. Because.

Of course they do not want these students in school because they actually might learn that there is no “Climate Crisis” and the whole thing is a sick joke. Plus they might just learn what the term “Useful Idiots” actually means.

September 20, 2019 11:16 am

It’s the Council of Science Advisers for Bernie, AOC, and Warren.

Shoki Kaneda
September 20, 2019 11:18 am

They are likely smarter than the Dem senators that invited them.

Reply to  Shoki Kaneda
September 20, 2019 11:31 am


Joel Snider
September 20, 2019 11:26 am

I can’t even laugh at this stuff anymore. Right now, in downtown Portland there’s a mob of these arrogant little snots, making demands, with all the confidence of their close-minded indoctrinated ideological arrogance – and their parents are worse. Heard one woman today boasting how she’d been taking her kid to one demonstration after another – and ‘finally’ they’ve got one that ‘started with the kids’ – complete crap, of course – this is about as ‘grass roots’ as the school play.

So, we have a school system, openly campaigning politics, another day off in a school system that produces students with a 50% fail rate – oh, but they know all about what the weather’s going to be like in a hundred years – and of course, they’ve been taught it’s ALL the fault of their parents, the country, capitalism, etc.

This is a generation that doesn’t even know what bathroom to use.

Reply to  Joel Snider
September 20, 2019 11:42 am

…..fully sanctioned by the school board

give the kids a free day off…and they will protest anything….

what would the reaction be if the schools did the same thing for something the libs were against

Joel Snider
Reply to  Latitude
September 20, 2019 11:57 am

‘what would the reaction be if the schools did the same thing for something the libs were against’

The schools are producing the progressives (not ‘libs’ – those are twenty years gone – they’ve morphed into militancy) so that’s an impossible scenario.

Now – assuming that one did – what you WOULD get is protests against that school by the others – in the standard dog-pile, group-bullying that is their go-to trademark methodology. You would probably also get the state itself interceding, pressing charges against groups and individuals. Teachers would be fired, and the school would lose funding.
And of course (regardless of the actual issue at hand) the protestors would be characterized and slimed as fascist bigots, etc – again their favorite go-to projection.

Reply to  Latitude
September 20, 2019 1:25 pm

Just curious as to how many of the kiddies would show up if the demonstration was scheduled for a Saturday evening?

Reply to  Latitude
September 20, 2019 1:50 pm

Personally, I always thought the worst field trip was better than the best day in class.

Thus my lack of academic achievement.

Reply to  Joel Snider
September 20, 2019 11:44 am

And thank you for paying for it all with your taxable capitalist dollars.

Reply to  Joel Snider
September 20, 2019 11:47 am

Joel snider, Were they all vegans? Were they wearing vegan clothes? Is there homes plastic free, did they drive the kids to the protest? and finally do they all grow their own food?

Joel Snider
Reply to  Sunny
September 20, 2019 12:20 pm

I’m sure they’ve rationalized all that to their own satisfaction. Remember the climate confession thread? Get on the actual site there’s nothing but people playing karmic bargains with themselves – ‘I drive, but I make up for it by recycling’ – that sort of thing.

Reply to  Sunny
September 20, 2019 1:16 pm

They do enjoy watching action movies in air conditioned theaters, video games supported by huge server farms, buying new clothes because the styles have changed and eating out.

September 20, 2019 11:34 am

Third on their list:

• Just ignoring climate change…


Bill Murphy
Reply to  Bob Tisdale
September 20, 2019 12:32 pm

Ignoring climate change is easy enough, at least until the Laurentide Ice Sheet starts to reform in a few hundred years. Ignoring the delusional idiots trying to destroy civilization in an attempt to save it from an imaginary boogie man is the problem. They used to wander around the streets wearing a sandwich board saying “The END is NEAR.” Now they are elected to congress. I try to take the long view, knowing that when the Laurentide does return it will grind AOC’s district into dust and moraine rubble. Poetic justice, even if a little late.

Johann Wundersamer
Reply to  Bob Tisdale
September 24, 2019 2:12 am

Bill Murphy September 20, 2019 at 12:32 pm

However, the good doers have only the best intentions.

After all, they only want to electrify us “deniers” together with our SUVs so that we can get decarboniced and no longer will pollute CO2.
And stuff.

And because we “deniers” are carbon units + calcium units we too have to be decalcificated.

With osteoporosis we won’t bother future fridays anymore –

Have a nice day.

September 20, 2019 11:41 am

Gawd, I love The Babylon Bee. I think I should make it my go-to news source. They say that reality has gone so far off the deep end that you can not mock or satirize it any more. That makes the Bee and The Onion straight up news. We deserve no less.

September 20, 2019 11:49 am

With Israel lacking a strong Govt to face Hezbollah , Iran attacking the fuel supply of Europe and much of the rest of the World and pushing for nuclear status , China increasing its control of the 3rd world and North Korea boasting of its missile and nuclear systems, the likelihood is that those boys , and girls, will in a few years time be donning body armour and learning to handle assault weapons.
The young men and women they will be facing , by contrast , will have grown up handling weapons, telecoms, explosives, grenades, etc instead of play acting silly games about a non existent problem for the benefit of politicians and crooked financiers.
Going to be rough on those kids.

Tom Abbott
Reply to  mikewaite
September 20, 2019 1:48 pm

“With Israel lacking a strong Govt to face Hezbollah , Iran attacking the fuel supply of Europe and much of the rest of the World and pushing for nuclear status”

The Mad Mullahs of Iran seem to be inviting an American military strike, by the actions they have taken lately. I don’t think they want an all-out American strike, rather they want a limited strike, which the Mad Mullahs will protray as warmongering on the part of Trump in hopes of getting the European nations to side with Iran and back away from how the U.S. is handling the problem.

The Mad Mullahs probably should not bet the farm on a limited American strike. They might get a masive strike, depending on what they do to provoke one. A massive strike might include the Mad Mullahs as targets.

I think Trump is smart to not be reacting militarily at this time. The Mad Mullahs are going to continue these reckless acts because they are getting desperate, and they are going to put the oil supply of Europe in further jeopardy as a result, and when they do, the Europeans will take the U.S. side, instead of the Iranian side.

Trump just needs to keep giving the Mad Mullahs enough rope to hang themselves in the eyes of the world.

Imagine what these madmen in Iran would be doing if they actually had nuclear weapons now. You can bet they wouldn’t be seeking peace. They would be seeking confrontation, only this time with nuclear weapons. We cannot allow this to become a reality no matter what it takes to prevent.

September 20, 2019 12:04 pm

Better this: Just ignoring climate change and learn to play the piano, sing, or play guitar.

Music makes a better world.

September 20, 2019 12:20 pm

Bedtime when sleepy. Homework after toons, maybe. Candy now, later, and forever.

Steve Z
September 20, 2019 12:25 pm

I don’t know what the Fortnite game is, but option 3 sounds like a winner. Doing nothing is by far the cheapest solution to a non-problem like climate change. And if sea level rises by less than a foot before the end of the century, build a 1-foot high seawall around low-lying cities.

On the outer Barcoo
September 20, 2019 12:29 pm

It would be nice if each member of Congress was given a copy of “Lord of the Flies” to read, but that’s taking a gamble on their level of comprehension.

September 20, 2019 12:30 pm

These are Public Schools backing the agenda of a political party. Let’s see the support for a school day march protesting the infringements of 2A.

Reply to  Wharfplank
September 20, 2019 2:31 pm

“The right to keep and bear arms… legs, a head, and life shall not be infringed” forms the foundation of human and civil rights.

Gordon Dressler
September 20, 2019 12:49 pm

What sage advice from SpongeBob SquarePants did the kids pass on to the Senators? And if SpongeBob is not an activist for emergency climate action, why the hell not???

“Our lives, our liberty, and our property are never in greater danger than when Congress is in session.” — Mark Twain

September 20, 2019 12:51 pm

Well, I like the Fortnite and Switch ideas…

Abolition Man
September 20, 2019 1:09 pm

This is NOT a political agenda! The AGW hoax is one facet of the radical religious cult of Progressivism. For over fifty years average Americans have sat back and watched a religious cult indoctrinate their children with dogma and anti-scientific lies. All rational people need to start pushing back against this blatant use of our school system for religious purposes!
Socialism is the road to communism-Marx.
Communism is SLAVERY!!

Richard S Courtney
Reply to  Abolition Man
September 21, 2019 2:26 am

Abolition Man.

Marx was wrong, but I support your right to believe things he said.


September 20, 2019 1:25 pm

The sad thing is these kids could probably do a better job than congress.

September 20, 2019 1:30 pm

It all makes sense now.

The messiah of the movement is a 16 year old girl.
Of course the troops will be third graders.
The politicians are so mind boggling stupid they think pandering to this group will help garner votes with adults.
Just enough adults have brain activity so low that they will vote for the above politicians based on nothing more than reflexive lower brainstem activity.

And so it goes.

September 20, 2019 1:33 pm

Just curious as to how many of the kiddies would show up if the demonstration was scheduled for a Saturday evening?

September 20, 2019 1:34 pm

Love The Bee, but this story could trigger a proof of Muggeridge’s law.

Flight Level
September 20, 2019 2:06 pm

I am amazed how climate can escalate nonsense to an excellency asset !

If kids are good enough to steer a nation’s future, would climate masterminds feel safe with a third grader as pilot in command of the plane that brings them to the next green junket ?

September 20, 2019 3:08 pm

My dog has ideas of sorts and is very passionate about various things, but I’m not going to listen to him, either…

September 20, 2019 4:27 pm

I wonder how many children were drinking carbonated drinks today, and if any of them knew that the gas that gave it a fizz was CO2?

September 21, 2019 4:51 am

Apparently, the best way to convince people that anthropogenic irreversible catastrophic global warming is caused by the magic molecule of carbon dioxide is to make them stupider.

There are about 186 school days in a calendar year in the USA. If a child has perfect attendance, does his homework, and studies hard, in a school year he will be 100% (186/186) smarter.

Well, this just won’t do. We need climate warriors, not smart aleck smartypants brainiacs.

Greta says we need to save the planet. NOW. There’s no time for thinking. We need less of that. We need to DO SOMETHING. The less time spent thinking, the better. So let’s DO SOMETHING while at the same time making people just a tiny bit stupider (185/186) by keeping them out of school for a day.

This is the only way it will work. Because if you give people enough time to think about it for themselves, they might come up with dangerous, non-planetary ideas. They might decide not to DO SOMETHING. They might read something contrary to the urgent need to DO SOMETHING.

If we can make people stupid enough, they will believe anything we tell them. Keeping them out of school for a day to DO SOMETHING to save the planet is a start.

E. Martin
September 21, 2019 7:30 am

A positive element in this is that due to their association with these third graders, the politicians that brought them in have probably up-graded their own intellects!

September 21, 2019 8:37 am

“Let’s just ignore climate change and play fortnite.’ Great idea (for now)!

Mickey Reno
September 21, 2019 10:05 am

They first had to round up the children from the corn field.

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