Friday Funny: Extinction Rebellion Conference Report

Report from our climate correspondent, Iain Aitken, on the proceedings of Extinction Rebellion’s UK conference at their Marxmount Hall of Truth Headquarters, Hampstead, London, England

Standing beneath a vast banner proclaiming, ‘97% OF SCIENTISTS AGREE: THE CLIMATE CATASTROPHE IS HAPPENING AND WE ARE ALL GUILTY’, the General Secretary of Extinction Rebellion, Ron Lickspittle, called the meeting to order and introduced the Secretariat on stage with him, Comrade Reginald Tinpot, Secretary for Virtue Signalling, Comrade Dolores Barking, Secretary for Climate Consciousness Raising and Comrade Zak Swivel, Secretary for Denial Deplatforming.

The General Secretary began by announcing the conference competition in which delegates would pick a value for how many years we had left to prevent the coming Climate End of Days. At the end of the conference those who had picked the same value as that randomly generated by the XR computer would win XR teeshirts made from recycled climate change deniers. Here the General Secretary explained that the recycled bit was a joke, to the obvious disappointment of many delegates in the hall.

He then proceeded to list the Ten Demands on the British Government that had been agreed by the XR Central Committee in closed session:

  1. The government must commit to a legally-binding commitment to achieve net-zero carbon dioxide emissions in Britain by 2025. This could create as much as a one hundredth of a degree Centigrade of global warming mitigation, a powerful, albeit undetectably small, symbol of our global climate leadership.
  2. Britain to be declared a Climate Change Free Zone from 2025 onwards.
  3. The British HadCRUT4 temperature records must be immediately corrected to match the observed reality in the climate models. For too long Britain has fallen behind NASA in America in such crucial data harmonization.
  4. The adoption of a compulsory daily ‘Five for Five’ session in which the people of Britain will spend five consecutive minutes without exhaling. The saving in carbon dioxide emissions from this alone would delay the coming Climate End of Days by an estimated 5 minutes.
  5. Compulsory weekly lessons for all school pupils in the catastrophic impacts of man-made climate change and the coming Climate End of Days (with means-tested counselling and sedation for traumatized children).
  6. A year’s free supply of multi-use, carbon-free condoms for all citizens signing up to the BirthStrike No Child Policy (Terms & Conditions apply).
  7. The immediate instigation of a nationwide Climate Inquisition with a year’s forced labor burying carbon for all citizens refusing to take the Oath of Allegiance to Extinction Rebellion.
  8. The questioning of Catastrophic Anthropogenic Global Warming by climate dissidents and reactionaries to be made a Crime Against Humanity, punishable by non-violent liquidation.
  9. The issuing of a formal apology from Britain to the world for the creation of the Industrial Revolution, with its consequential vast increase in wealth, the wealthiest people on Earth being the biggest carbon polluters.
  10. The erection in London of a Tomb to the Unknown EcoWarrier, to be sited at a location determined to cause the maximum traffic disruption.

Every demand received a standing ovation from the delegates and a chant of ‘Hear the Truth! Hear the Truth!’, temporarily drowning out the sounds of the street battles raging outside the hall between the militant wings of the Our Michael Mann Fan Club and the Gas-Guzzlers’ Liberation Front.

The General Secretary demanded, rhetorically, to know what global warming had ever done for us in Britain. From the floor one delegate called out, ‘Well, in fairness, it has extended the growing season so it’s been good for agriculture.’ Another added, ‘And of course we haven’t had to heat our houses and offices as much so that’s reduced our carbon emissions.’ ‘Good point, comrade,’ said a third, ‘And cold weather kills more than hot so net-mortality has improved.’ ‘Yes, yes,’ cried the General Secretary, ‘but this improvement in our climate has created an emergency because if it continues to get better it will inevitably get worse and lead to the coming Climate End of Days!’ This was greeted with a standing ovation from the delegates and a chant of ‘Hear the Truth! Hear the Truth!’

At this point the conference was interrupted by the tragic news of the collision between Greta Thunberg’s yacht Publicity Stunt 3 with the Greenpeace ship Woke Warrier 4, the only survivor being Greta herself owing to her previously undetected ability to walk on water. On a Point of Order Comrade Swivel proposed petitioning the British Government to remove the statue in London’s Parliament Square of the imperialist warmonger Winston Churchill, replacing it with one of Saint Greta. The motion was carried unanimously.

The conference then broke up into working groups preparing lists of Climate Enemies of the People to be published in the first edition of Extinction Rebellion’s forthcoming national newspaper, provisionally entitled Pravda (The Truth).

Following the traditional linking of arms and rousing singing of ‘We’ll Keep the Green Flag Flying’ the day closed with a spirited two hour performance from the Multiracial Outreach Non-Gender-Specific LGBT Equal People’s One World Carbon Neutral Street Dance Theatre Company of East Tooting who interpreted the climate apocalypse in mime.

At the end of the day’s proceedings I was granted an interview with the General Secretary. I started by asking him how, with the only statistically significant change to Britain’s climate being a slight warming since the nineteenth century and there having been no warming in over a decade it made sense to decide that this constituted a ‘climate emergency’ for our country. Sighing melodramatically he explained that whatever happened in the past was irrelevant and I was presenting a classic case of false climate consciousness, the essential problem being my failure to comprehend that just half a degree of further warming would be catastrophic.

‘But,’ I pleaded, ‘no climate scientist has ever said such a thing.’

He shook his head sadly. ‘You need to understand that scientists are frightened about the public’s panic if the full and terrifying truth was revealed to them. And those scientists who nevertheless dare to do so find their voices drowned out by the overwhelming forces of climate change denial in the media. The truth is revealed to us in the predictions of the climate models. These make it clear that there could be up to 80C of warming of the British climate by the end of the century!’ I agreed but pointed out that such extreme ‘could be up to’ values needed virtually impossibly high levels of carbon dioxide emissions globally and virtually impossibly high climate sensitivity to those emissions. ‘There you are!’ he cried, banging the table with his fist, ‘On your own admission our emissions could bring about a climate apocalypse! If we fail to repent our carbon-profligate ways then the Climate End of Days will be upon us!’

Managing to suppress a reflexive cry of ‘Hear the Truth!’ I moved on to point out that even before the new Ten Demands from the Central Committee the current net-zero emissions commitment of the UK Government would probably devastate the UK economy, not to mention its landscape and wildlife. With economists talking about a global economic recession being around the corner, coupled with the economic hit of Brexit, wouldn’t decarbonization be the last straw for our country?

‘On the contrary!’ he laughed. ‘A sustained economic recession would mean soaring unemployment and falling incomes meaning we buy less stuff meaning less stuff is made meaning lower carbon dioxide emissions! A sustained recession would be wonderful for Britain and a depression even better. Now it’s true that the bourgeoisie of Britain would probably initially doubtless balk at the higher taxes, the soaring energy and food costs, the meat supertax, the car mileage rationing, the ban on flying, the frequent long power blackouts, the compulsory installation of smart thermostats for central government control of home and office temperatures, the smothering of the so-called countryside by wind and solar farms, and so on – but they would come to joyfully accept all this when their climate consciousness was raised such that they understood that these small inconveniences could delay the Climate End of Days by, well, days. Yes, some reactionaries might say that this constituted a pointless and futile sacrifice of our country on the altar of the climate catastrophism cult – but what a magnificent sacrifice it would be! Furthermore when the nations of the world see our shining example of what a decarbonized economy looks like they will inevitably rush to follow our guiding light!’

At this point we were plunged into darkness as a result of a power failure at a wind farm due to the wrong kind of wind blowing and so my interview unfortunately had to be terminated.

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58 thoughts on “Friday Funny: Extinction Rebellion Conference Report

  1. “A year’s free supply of multi-use, carbon-free condoms…”

    Whoa! Are they “one size fits all”?

    “Multi-use”? Um, what else can they be used for? I am not setting it on the shelf and using it the second time a few days later.

  2. ‘Non violent liquidation’ reminds me of a line from an old Woody Allen movie: ‘he was bayonetted to death by a Polish conscientious objector’. Apologies to my Polish friends, substitute Irish or any other nationality

    • Just use “cis white male conservative” in all such jokes.
      Impossible to get in trouble for that one.
      Not with anyone who will dox you to Antifa street justice mobs, anyhow

  3. Well, I have to commend this statement for being more honest than 97% of the media. (Please excuse the all-caps. Can’t get bold.):

    “3. The British HadCRUT4 temperature records must be immediately CORRECTED TO MATCH THE OBSERVED REALITY in the CLIMATE MODELS. For too long Britain has FALLEN BEHIND NASA in America in such CRUCIAL DATA HARMONIZATION.

    So, NASA is “harmonizing” their data to match the (I can’t believe I’m typing this) “observed reality reality in the climate models.”

    Extinction rebellion has officially extinguished their claim to rational understanding in explicitly saying that models are “observed reality”. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

    • At first it sounded too true to be funny then it started sounding too funny to be true. In the end it was truly funny

      • Honestly, I’m not sure how anyone even got past the Names of the ‘Secretariat’ without realizing it was a joke…
        Then again, they aren’t THAT odd for Britain.

        ^¿^

          • well maybe, but then it DOES read a lot like their statement made in all seriousness..
            when people ARE so crazy its hard to make them sound sillier than they already do;-))
            I think we might have Reggies brother in Aus
            he changed his name but is the current premier of Victoria

  4. ….”punishable by non-violent liquidation” ? …..Does that mean free, unlimited, non-violent amounts of beer for life ? Heck, I’m in ! That’s heaven for us (half) Canadians…Eh ! lol

  5. Excellent !

    I can exclusively reveal the name of the General Secretary here on WUWT. It’s George Monbiot. The sanest man in Britain

    ‘People don’t riot for austerity; they riot because they want more, not less. We have to riot for less

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/3675760.stm

    It is a campaign not for abundance but for austerity. It is a campaign not for more freedom but for less. Strangest of all, it is a campaign not just against other people, but against ourselves

    George Monbiot, Heat, London, Allen Lane, 2006, p. 215

  6. Hilarious “report”…..But scarily too close to the “truth” ! Well done…forwarded to all FB contacts…(most, but not all, will understand it, I hope !)

  7. May I copy and post this brilliance into my local rag’s comment pages please? It is unbelievable but it’s a Bank Holiday weekend and ER are having a march as the indoctrination continues globally.

  8. Nuclear power could generate sufficient electricity to provide all electricity, and in-turn all land transportation along with all power needed for manufacturing. However, the envirowhacos continue to force nuclear power plants to shut down and prohibit their use. The only logical reason is that the objective of “Green Energy” and “Climate Alarmism” is not to reduce CO2 but to hasten control of the economy.
    Read the article “Listen to the Trees.” There is nothing strange, abnormal, catastrophic, about the climate. There are reasons that there are tree-stumps for trees that grew for hundreds of years that are now visible after the glaciers melted – it was warmer back then. There are reasons that there are periodic droughts and periodic floods – it is NORMAL. One only need look at the land with an open mind to see that all of these “never before, historic, catastrophic events” have happen before and will happen again.

  9. I had some comments qued up from this….

    But just WOW!

    It will be a zombie apocalypse is what it will look like.

    I wonder if he was wearing any synthetic clothing? Or has UK or Euro monetary notes in his pocket; has credit cards….

    How many “people” were in attendance?

  10. Nailed it! though I suggest changing the ‘Hear the Truth! Hear the Truth!’ to Hear our truth! Hear our truth! since these folks are of the ilk of “I am speaking my truth” “I am living my truth” etc which clearly have no relation to the actual truth!……

    Cheers!
    Joe

  11. He then proceeded to list display the tablet w/the engraved Ten Demands Demandments.

    There, made it even funnier.

    • The 10 Demandments
      1. Thou Shalt commit to achieve net-zero carbon dioxide emissions in Britain by 2025. (This could create as much as a one hundredth of a degree Centigrade of global warming mitigation, a powerful, albeit undetectably small, symbol of our global climate leadership.)
      2. Thou Shalt declare Britain a Climate Change Free Zone from 2025 onwards.
      3. Thou Shalt Not use any but the British HadCRUT4 temperature records after correcting to match the observed reality in the climate models. (For too long Britain has fallen behind NASA in America in such crucial data harmonization.)
      4. Thou Shalt adopt a compulsory daily ‘Five for Five’ session in which the people of Britain will spend five consecutive minutes without exhaling. (The saving in carbon dioxide emissions from this alone would delay the coming Climate End of Days by an estimated 5 minutes.)
      5. Thou Shalt conduct compulsory weekly lessons for all school pupils in the catastrophic impacts of man-made climate change and the coming Climate End of Days (with means-tested counselling and sedation for traumatized children).
      6. Thou Shalt not propagate but dispense A year’s free supply of multi-use, carbon-free condoms for all citizens (Mandatory sign up to the BirthStrike No Child Policy (Terms & Conditions apply).)
      7. Thou Shalt commence immediate instigation of a nationwide Climate Inquisition with a year’s forced labor burying carbon for all citizens refusing to take the Oath of Allegiance to Extinction Rebellion.
      8. Thou Shalt Not question Catastrophic Anthropogenic Global Warming (climate dissidents and reactionaries to be made a Crime Against Humanity, punishable by non-violent liquidation.)
      9. Thou Shalt issue of a formal apology from Britain to the world for the creation of the Industrial Revolution (with its consequential vast increase in wealth, the wealthiest people on Earth being the biggest carbon polluters.)
      10. Thou Shalt erect, in London, a Tomb to the Unknown EcoWarrier, to be sited at a location determined to cause the maximum traffic disruption.

      They do need to be worded properly

  12. The questioning of Catastrophic Anthropogenic Global Warming by climate dissidents and reactionaries to be made a Crime Against Humanity, punishable by non-violent liquidation.

    vs

    My second amendment rights.

    I doubt this will go far in the US.

    • It’s clear when implemented in USA all amendment rights are suspended for the duration of the “Climate Emergency” … so you want to save the planet or not 🙂

    • Yes and when she arrives on the shore she will perform the divide and duplicate the O2 and N2 molecules to immediately reduce CO2 levels.

  13. This is just not believable, XR has far too many anarchists to pull off anything that would be this organized

  14. The only point missing is the decree that climate deniers and climate abusers be incarcerated in perpetuity in a carbon neutral facility for reeducation or executed by carbon free strangulation by means of a hemp rope and their bodies being buried deep to capture their carbon.
    In all seriousness, depopulation (conveniently of political enemies) is the endgame of all the climate madness. The scenario is the same as pagan societies of old that we laugh at-throwing virgins in to volcanoes to appease the gods, ceremonial child High Priestesses , brutal human sacrifices, unlimited power to the other High Priests, the People living in fear of offending the climate clergy, propaganda and brainwashing from birth. Laugh at this scenario if you will, but do remember, the human brain is the same size as it was 10,000 years ago- it is just as vulnerable to deception, manipulation, emotional blackmail, fear etc as it ever was. This sort of controlled and suppressed society is the norm.

    Throughout history, as controlling groups seized power and nobody stood up against the stupidity (or it went too far and those that stood up conveniently disappeared or landed on the sacrificial alter) ever more absurd rules were written until the People wee totally oppressed.

    We are starting to see this already with anyone that calls out the Feminazis/ femofascists being harangued and persecuted by the leftist trolls. Inside information-in one Australian state, a group of such femofascists/ LGBTQIAZNP brigade have hijacked the education curriculum. Hopefully this information gets revealed at the enquiry to be tabled in October. The big question is which of the controlled media will report it?

    Think I am joking about the influence of the femofascists? At the 50th anniversary of the Honeysuckle Creek first images from the moon and the immortal words- “One small step for aman one giant leap for mankind” (try saying the words a and man separately), a plaque was unveiled -it reads “One small step. One giant leap.” History being rewritten to appease a microscopic bunch of feminazis. They can not bear the word “man” anywhere.

    Orwell was right.

  15. I love a bit of satire. well done.

    slightly off topic….(but still funny)…
    there is a petition doing the rounds for climate scientists to say that the hysteria is hysteria.

    if they got, say 500 signatures
    and if 97% of climate scientists say the hysteria is justified
    that means there are at least 160,000 climate scientists on the planet and 158,000 of them are thick.

    but the petition will get more signatures. which means we have more climate scientists on the planet than priests
    more than we have economists
    more than nuclear scientists.

    Why are we so blessed with hundreds of thousands of climate scientists ? how did we get so lucky

    unless the 97% is bolks

  16. Nice satire, Iain. Needs to be read in conjunction with your earlier, more serious, article here:

    wattsupwiththat.com/2019/05/06/climate-change-misconceived/

  17. Loved the cartoon by Josh.

    Which raises the question; howz come no XR peeps glue themselves to the asphalt in Texas in the summer? I sense a lack of true commitment on their part.

  18. “At this point we were plunged into darkness as a result of a power failure at a wind farm due to the wrong kind of wind blowing and so my interview unfortunately had to be terminated”

    Already, commentators are asking if global warming is to blame. In particular, some are wondering if the direction of the Jet Stream is being altered by Arctic ice melt. Others are speculating that natural variations, such as the “Atlantic multi-decadal oscillation”, might be responsible for recent evolutions.
    However, most of this reportage has been second-hand. Unprecedentedly, I had direct access to the meteorologists concerned, as I was in Exeter in spirit form, and I managed to speak to the principal actors.
    First, I asked Stephen Belcher, the head of the Met Office Hadley Centre, whether the recent extended winter was related to global warming. Shaking his famous “ghost stick”, and fingering his trademark necklace of sharks’ teeth and mammoth bones, the loin-clothed Belcher blew smoke into a conch, and replied,
    “Here come de heap big warmy. Bigtime warmy warmy. Is big big hot. Plenty big warm burny hot. Hot! Hot hot! But now not hot. Not hot now. De hot come go, come go. Now Is Coldy Coldy. Is ice. Hot den cold. Frreeeezy ice til hot again. Den de rain. It faaaalllll. Make pasty.”
    Startled by this sobering analysis, I moved on to Professor Rowan Sutton, Climate Director of NCAS at the University of Reading. Professor Sutton said that many scientists are, as of this moment, examining the complex patterns in the North Atlantic, and trying to work out whether the current run of inclement European winters will persist.
    When pressed on the particular outlook for the British Isles. Professor Sutton shook his head, moaned eerily unto the heavens, and stuffed his fingers into the entrails of a recently disembowelled chicken, bought fresh from Waitrose in Teignmouth.
    Hurling the still-beating heart of the chicken into a shallow copper salver, Professor Sutton inhaled the aroma of burning incense, then told the Telegraph: “The seven towers of Agamemnon tremble. Much is the discord in the latitude of Gemini. When, when cry the sirens of doom and love. Speckly showers on Tuesday.”
    It’s a pretty stark analysis, and not without merit. There are plenty of climate change scientists who are equally forthright on the possibilities of change, or no change, and of more hot, or less hot, or of rain, or no rain, or of Britain turning into the Sahara by next weekend, or instead becoming a freezing cold Frostyworld ruled by a strange, glistening ice-queen – crucially, it all depends on the time of day you ask them, and whether or not they had asparagus the day before.
    So who are we to believe? For a final word, I turned to the greatest climate change scientist of all, Dr David Viner, one-time senior research scientist at the climatic research unit of the University of East Anglia, who predicted in 2000 that, within a few years, winter snowfall would become “a very rare and exciting event”.
    However, he was trapped under a glacier in Stockport, so was unable to comment at the time the Telegraph went to press.

  19. How does this translate into you entering the apartment without him knowing and planting objects. What kind of chicken bone voodoo required a bird egg and all the other stuff?

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