Friday Funny – @NRDC Now it’s toilet paper causing ‘climate change’

From the ‘climate change is the universal boogeyman’ department comes this ridiculous claim from the National Resources Defense Council (NRDC)

Now the left wants to tell us how to wipe, and people aren’t having it. Some of the responses are hilarious, others are in the vein of “WTF is wrong with you people?”. They’ve really stepped in it this time.

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152 thoughts on “Friday Funny – @NRDC Now it’s toilet paper causing ‘climate change’

  1. I particularly appreciate the use of the word “virgin”, as in We are almost out of virgin forests!!!. As if forests do not grow back?
    The green blob hates anything people do because they hate people.

  2. “Anyone who doesn’t wipe with a dried corn-cob (as the original inhabitants of the US did) or at least use a handful of dry leaves or sand is literally a horrible person!”

    – The Left

    • Joe,

      A few generations later country-folks recycled catalog pages from Sears,
      Roebuck & Co/Marshall Fields, etc., along with their old newspapers
      (which had a high cotton content back then) to replace the old corn cob.

      A shimmering ribald echo of the era you’re talking about is reflected in the
      popular “corn hole” bean bag tossing games played by today’s youth…
      which is nothing more than a softy version of horseshoes.

      Keep on chucking…

  3. My tweet in response to this was:

    @WEschenbach
    Jul 17

    We can cut our toilet paper use by 50% with just this one simple life hack.

    I call on all concerned Americans and Canadians to cool the planet and stop the seas from rising by immediately starting to use both sides of each square of toilet paper.

    w.

    • I advocate for the reduction of government paperwork so that we can all enjoy more and plusher toilet paper. Personal paperwork is the future.

    • Why does toilet paper in the US have two sheets?

      Because they have to send one copy to Washington.

    • Hey with that expensive stuff you can cut the use by 75% with splitting the ply!

    • The submarine method could be used. Due to limited storage space and supplies, a single square per event was used. You’d poke a hole in the middle of the square and put it over a finger. Then wipe the backside and use the square to clean the finger. 🙂

  4. I’m sure the answer is regulating toilet paper thickness. And taxing thick paper.

    … pulls another yard of paper, then wraps it twelwefold before reaching for bide’ shower.

  5. I’m not going back to John Wayne toilet paper, the kind that don’t take no chit off nobody… they will have to pry my Charmin out of my cold dead fingers…

  6. Well, I’m willing to listen to Those People if they will agree to not defecate or urinate at all for a minimum of three consecutive weeks, and will also agree to donate their personal incomes to my slush fund for three years.

    I think that’s fair, don’t you?

  7. Stop using Toilet paper!
    Start using The Guardian.
    It is all it is good for.
    Problem solved.

  8. Using solar and wind power where the moon don’t shine could be painful.

    Mr. Whipple, call your office…

  9. I didn’t realize children had to be taught how to wipe. We were going through a lot (I mean a lot) of toilet paper in my house. One day I realized my 7 year old was taking the toilet paper, wrapping around his hand ~10-20 times and then using that like a glove to wipe with.
    At some point, yes it is too much paper…
    However, if we do ever move to the point these authors want I will happily extend to them the left hand of friendship.

  10. Well, Gwyneth Paltrow (Shakespeare In Love, 1999 Oscar) did say that no one should ever use more than one square of toilet tissue for any use in the bathroom. Maybe she is on to something.

    • Of course, she wouldn’t dream of lying her, err, her, err, “arm” off about her personal usage! In my experience most people lie at some point about personal behaviour! Think of a visit to a doctor……………Oh no Doctor I barely drink the guvment recommended quantities of alcohol, let alone exceed them, or oh no doctor, I eat low fat low calorie everything except once a year at Christmas time when I indulge modestly, or, oh yes I exercise regularly running at least 5 miles a day 7 days a week at the age of 65, come rain or shine, (you get the picture)!

    • Gwyneth was very likely just referring to the consequences of certain dietary choices. Without going into details or benefits (if any), this makes indeed a lot of difference with regards to the need for toilet paper.

  11. “The push for new toilet paper became more intense …”. Must be that someone ignored the sign that said “Would the last person to use the last piece of toilet paper please replace the roll.”

  12. But the Green Blob (TM) is ‘OK’ with sacrificing old growth forests to replace coal as the primary fuel running Drax?

    WTF is wrong with these people?

    • BREAKING NEWS
      CANADIAN TREES FOUND GUILTY OF CAUSING CLIMATE CHANGE. Trudeau in a tizzy. Carbon tax on toilet paper urgently needed to save the planet. Those close to the PMO say it will likely be a star feature in Liberals election manifesto. A source who does not wish to be identified whispered that a toilet roll ration coupon will be introduced as well as legislation outlawing excessive use of one use paper. Canadian households will be required to keep a log book of number of sheets used per visit.
      (Privy News)

  13. Here in Maine where we have had a paper industry for a century or more we know that the trees grown for pulp are of little use for anything else and they are harvested every 20 years. We also know that the difference between a forest and field of corn is simply frequency of harvest and that a young growing forest is a healthy forest. The only way to have that young healthy forest is to harvest it frequently. Our only gripe about the forest industry is getting behind a loaded logging truck on a road where there is little opportunity to pass. Maybe this a sexist thing. After all the ladies use twice as much paper.

    • David, you’re spot on!
      And oh, so politically incorrect.

      Coincidence?
      I think not.

    • David,
      I am surprised you feel the need to overtake a logging lorry? Earlier this year I was fortunate to be able to spend a couple of months in NZ. There the logging industry is full on. The logging lorries pulling a full logging trailer carry around 40 ton of timber, and travel at speeds that defy sanity. No one ever overtakes a logging lorry in NZ, unless they have an uphill section to protect them.
      NB the width of NZ roads these trucks operate on, are barely wide enough for one lorry, let alone a passing car wanting to overtake.

  14. One of the first rules of life of a husband is, never deny a woman a clean bathroom. Now, if I tell my wife (take it easy on the toilet paper), I might get castrated with a spoon.

    There are forests getting planted today for the sole purpose of providing humanity with our future paper needs. I love trees. If we stop using paper altogether, those trees will stop being planted.

    • One of the first rules of life of a husband is

      You did not know that before hand?
      Eek, you must have had a steep learning curve.

      Pro Tip:
      It does not matter, the answer is “Yes, Dear”.

      • Pro tip for long marriage…
        We agreed twenty years ago, I make all the big decisions, she makes all the day to day decisions. It has worked great, after 20 years I have not needed to make one decision.

    • In Canada, the TrueDope government announces a ban on single use toilet paper.

      Climate Barbie said, “no longer will it be only Newfie neighborhoods that have toilet paper hanging out to dry!”

  15. When my kids were babies (through about 2 years old), when they “messed themselves”, I just shoved them into the bathtub and washed them off. I saved a lot of toilet paper. (But I wasted a lot of water). However, the kids loved it, and they never got diaper rash.

  16. Reminds me of a joke I heard… William Shatner of Star Trek Captain Kirk fame is retired from the space business now, and was thinking of going into the lingerie business. But his angel investors balked at the name… Shatner Panties.

  17. According to the report, the average American goes thru 3 rolls of TP a week. Really? My wife and I between us probably use a roll about every 2 weeks, so one-twelfth of that. And it’s a cheapo brand, not Charmin, and single-ply. We are on a septic system, so are kind to the system. The tank gets pumped every 10 years. Never have any problems.

    • The reason to use toilet paper instead of one’s hand is to keep one’s hands as clean as possible, so that washing hands clean afterward can be done quickly and easily. The whole idea of using one square of tp after a bowel movement is ludicrous unless the movement is hard, dry, and compacted; which likely means that the donor is constipated to the point of bleeding during and afterwards. I do think a lot of people must use an unconscionable amount of tp per bm, which is wasteful (and may clog the toilet).
      I also think the government has no business trespassing in my bathroom when I’m doing my business!

  18. The report outs the makers of better quality paper as using ‘virgin’ pulp fiber instead of recycled. ‘Cause that’s how to make better paper.

    The long rambling report about forest creatures, aboriginals, and logging does contain some disjointed facts, but not the fact that far more Canadian boreal forest is renewed by fire (6 million acres per year, once every 200 years) than logging (less than 2 million, once every 800 years).

    So buy the good stuff if you can afford it, it’s better than watching it burn.

  19. Tissue isn’t used in some cultures:

    Google, “Islamic toilet etiquette” for an example

  20. This is just a rehash of the Greenpeace hype about Kleenex about 10 years ago. https://www.greenpeace.org/usa/victories/kleercut-kimberly-clark-commits-to-end-deforestation/
    One activist from GP told me that Kimberly Clark was cutting down 17,000 year old trees to make Kleenex and I should join GP to stop them. The number of errors in this statement alone would keep anyone from joining them. So NRDC is totally behind the time and can only come up with old hype to keep you scared and donating to their absurd cause.

  21. I don’t see the problem. When I was a kid an expired telephone directory was hanging in the toilet. Today they are gone and we use toilet paper instead.

    Will this film sequence be banned?

  22. I like the Charmin commercial showing the bear family at the edge of the forest, looking at the “No Dumping” sign.

  23. As the Pythons might say: I will fart in your general direction…

    You silly NRDC things

  24. I’m thinking Sheryl Crow wrote this article. Reminds me of her “one square” of toilet paper meme.

  25. Toilet paper already is renewable, so what are they complaining about if they are advocating that everything be renewable? That old boreal forest that is no longer sucking up CO2 will now be replanted or it will regenerate itself naturally and will absorb far more ‘carbon’ than the old forest it replaced. If the old forest burnt, then that is just additional CO2 being liberated. We shouldn’t blame toilet paper for anything, jut like we shouldn’t blame wood pellets for anything either, the most of which are made with bark and sawdust from sawmill operations, or are grown as a crop on a dedicated planted woodlot on private lands. Whether that lumberman wants to sell his crop for toilet paper or for wood pellets, nobody should complain. There sure are a lot of whiners and complainers out there that don’t know squat about what they are talking about.

    • A logged forest doesn’t burn. Lumber sequesters carbon in homes. A replanted forest absorbs carbon. Repeat every forty years.

  26. Greens have another solution to the toilet paper problem… simply hold your waste in. Bill DiBlasio has practiced this for years.

  27. They are just preparing us for when Socialists take over and we go the way of Venezuela.

    Reminds me of Yacov Smirnoff’s coverage of the opening of McDonald’s in Moscow’.
    After standing for over an hour to get his fast food, the person he interviewed said – “this is great -they even give you toilet paper! (Which shops had run out of.)

    • Similar to my thoughts. Countries unable to supply toilet paper don’t really count as a country anymore.

      (When I went trekking in Pakistan to K2 base-camp I took a copy of James Joyce’s Ulysses with me, but that’s another story.)

  28. This is all turning into a big sh!# storm! The activists want to WIPE us out in order for us not to WIPE it out! They all want us to go paperless! Now the sh!# is really going to hit the fan!

    I can’t think of anything else to say.I suffer from a condition known as C.R.S – Can’t Remember Sh!#

  29. You know what the 2 toughest jobs in the world are? Flushing ,N.Y. and Wheeling,West Virginia.

  30. I believe it was François Rabelais who recommended using a goose’s neck for the task. I would advise binding the wings and duct-taping the beak though, they tend to get violently uncooperative when they realize what’s about to happen. I did consider using IPCC reports at one time, but I found them to be already impregnated with the substance I was desirous to remove.

    • crying laughing…
      you might manage to flush a duck…but a goose?
      I have this mental image of a taped n tied goose on the loose in a VERY bad mood.
      I may never recover

  31. They fail to mention that they are mostly poplars that reach full maturity in 20-30 years. Not to mention that most of the trees harvested are from plantations with hybrid poplars that reach maturity in even less time. The lumber industry is completely sustainable, if it wasn’t then toilet paper wouldn’t be affordable.

    • Some hybrid plantations have been on a 7 year cycle.
      If used for tp, all the better, but I don’t have info on usage.

      • eucalypt palntations in aus blue gums and were making a motza sending the cips to china? or somewhere for loopaper they said in biz reports recently.
        which is good cos a LOT of people went broke investing in those ugly plantations

    • Paper is to forestry as hamburger is to the meat industry. The bits and pieces of scrap are made into other useful products and there is little to no waste. These environmental idiots seem to think that a huge tree gets ground to pulp and used entirely for paper… They would do well to study industrial engineering and forest management before opening their flapping lips to insult us.

  32. I prefer a Japanese style washlet. It is very clean and almost no toilet paper is required. Great for the skin too.

  33. I am sure the plan is to just ban Angel Soft, because it is owned by the Koch bros. Once that is done, the issue will go away.

  34. Apparently some brand (Quilted Northern?) was the first to advertise “splinter free” in the 1930s.

    • Are the recycled brands advertised as ‘Staple Free’?

      ‘Cause except for creosoted cedar, zinc plated steel is the worst kind of slivers.

      • Recycling paper results in shorter fibers and weaker and rougher tissue.
        That often results in you wanting to wash your hands whether there is a sign by the sink or not.

      • I had the worst slivers when I was a kid. I fell against a rotten wood fence, extending my hands out to break my fall and received rotten wood slivers in both palms. I was picking out slivers for years! You couldn’t get them out at once because, being rotten, they kept breaking.

  35. I’m sure 99% here are aware of this, but I’ll remind the rest: Only toilet paper disintegrates in a sewer pipe (or septic tank, I assume). Anything else, including paper towels, is going to clog your drain eventually and be an annoyance to a sewage treatment plant.

  36. I liked CarlB’s reply

    Saw mill shavings are turned into pulp. A by product of thoroughly planned sustainable lumber industry. Nothing goes to waste anymore,

    So true. The NRDC acts as if Canada is some undeveloped nation that just clear-cuts our trees and leaves the land to die. Our forestry industry is highly regulated, and completely sustainable (in the true meaning of that word, not the green reinterpretation).

  37. I found this on the Stand.earth website.

    The Issue With Tissue
    STAND.EARTH & NRDC JOINT PUBLICATION – Our new report and scorecard takes Procter & Gamble, Kimberly-Clark, and Georgia-Pacific to task for destroying North American forests and exacerbating the world’s climate crisis by using zero recycled content in their toilet paper
    https://www.stand.earth/publication/forest-conservation/charmin-toilet-paper/issue-tissue

    THE ISSUE WITH TISSUE:HOW AMERICANS ARE FLUSHING FORESTS DOWN THE TOILET (31 pages)
    https://www.stand.earth/file/4577/download?token=6UR_eQ0A

    • I forgot to mention…
      Rex Murphy says ” Twitter is the slop pail of political correctness.”

  38. How much toilet paper could be made out of the excess forest growth in California?

    They could solve two problems at once by thinning California forests: More toilet paper and less California wildfires.

  39. they say it is a “dramatic and irreversible toll on forests” when the photo clearly shows forest regrowth already occuring. This is a remarkably silly report given the Left’s fixation upon demonising Carbon. If Carbon (on which all life is based) is evil and to be minimised in the atmosphere, then we need to sequester Carbon and prevent it from retirning to the atmosphere. Old growth forest such as the Canadian boreal forest is virtually useless at Carbon sequestration, as the trees are full-grown, lazy and idle. Cut them down and sequester the Carbon as toilet paper lining the sewers of the US, then let fast-growing new pine trees suck more Carbon from the air. The NRDC should be championing this practise, not vilifying it.
    Of course CO2 is a beneficial plant food, so the whole argument is moot: for the benefit of crops and nature, we should be de-sequestering all the Carbon locked up in fossil fuels and retirning it to the Carbon Cycle.

  40. What are we suppose to use instead of TP? TP is really a means of sequestering CO2 unless it is burned. The best way to reduce TP use is to reduce human population. So is that the solution to climate change, radically reducing human population?

  41. The NRDC wants us to give up toilet paper to fight climate change??? My response is “You first!” followed by “Call me in a week, we’ll talk then.”

  42. I would happily shake the hand of every NRDC member for helping “save the planet'”after I wipe my ass without using toilet paper.

  43. Well, if the SJWs stay true to form, they’ll start promoting small squares of reusable, washable cloths to replace tissue. Of course, they will be totally oblivious to the increased water pollution by washing the cloths, or that they were produced using child labor in third-world countries, out of man-made, oil-derived fibers. They’ll be saving the planet with every shi, er, defecation..

  44. Oh, how I wish for the Sears Catalog and a hole cut in a board to sit on in the old outhouse out back of the barn.

    I guess we all could learn from the Afghan Rebels who use the 3 finger method and wiped on their trousers.

  45. All right, enough.

    None of the above comments delve into the original indelicate origin of
    the phrase: “The dirty end of the stick”.

    This can be applied to political, philosophical, or literal situations. Here
    it applies to all there categories.

    Wusses…

  46. I guess we should all do the bears do (The Charmin Bears aside) and just ….
    (To bad the the Chicago Bears aren’t the San Francisco Bears. That might have been funny!)

  47. A year or so ago an American Football team visiting the UK had to import some toilet paper from the US as they found that the UK paper was not up to the task.
    The Romans on Hadrian’s Wall used sponges on sticks kept dipped in vinegar. The bowls can still be seen in the washroom excavations at Housesteads fort.
    Why hasn’t there been a rumpus about a massive area of forest being felled each year, dried and transported across the Àtlantic to feed Drax power station.

  48. Ban the paper and use the left hand and water technique still used by hundreds of millions around the globe

    The leftists will be right at home

    • and the pharmas will be grinning after all the extra meds are sold for the disease risks?

  49. I have the solution to the entire problem: eliminate commodes of all kinds and use slop jars instead, just like my great grandparents did. Then you take it out to the back yard, to that hole at the back of the garden and dump it in there.

    What? No garden? You mean – not everyone has a back yard garden???? How is that possible?

    Okay, then do what cats do. Use the litter box, dig a hole, do your business, bury it. Cat litter soaks up everything. Bag it in those leftover grocery bags and into the trash with it. Just keep your fluffy tail out of the way.

  50. Eliminating toilet paper will create sustainable jobs and employment. Reusable mittens can be made from baby seal skins, baby penguins, polar bear cubs, and of course house cat kittens! PooBusters can be called in for those really nasty events.

    I’m sure there will be a technological breakthrough to solve the toilet paper problem. Just download the latest smart phone app for the Smear-Free Assistant for sustainable living.

  51. and remember no washing you hands with precious water after you have wiped yours ar.. with your hand.

  52. Sadly, this will work. Have you been unfortunate enough to attend a gathering made of mostly young people anywhere lately? They have stopped wearing deodorant. I thought it was just me and I had become more sensitive to smells or cranky in my middle age, but then someone showed me a poll and 20 somethings and younger are abandoning deodorant for whatever reason. I smell funky young people all over the place. Now they will also smell like – well, you know. And if you say anything to them they will be self-righteous about it. Because it’s for the environment.

  53. I thought they solved this problem over twenty years ago when I saw this on a bumper sticker:
    “Save the trees!
    Wipe your ass with a spotted owl.”

  54. I love it when the green goofballs do this kind of mindless human hating “crap”. This just alienates real people who are too busy working to sift through the facts to see the green deceptions. Thanks for marginalization of your goofy green causes!

  55. I have lived my entire life in the boreal forest area. The trees are only good for two things, toilet paper and firewood. I don’t like it for building materials, especially Spruce, as it tends to rot fast if it gets wet, unlike Douglas Fir which doesn’t.

    A professional forester, who actually knows the forest, once told me:

    “At 80 to 120 years of age, the boreal forest MUST be cut down, or it burns down.”

  56. First they came for the cars.
    Then they came for the lawnmowers.
    Then they came for the light bulbs.
    Then they came for the steaks.
    Now they’re coming for …..

  57. Just a comment from a U. S. retired government employee. In the 1950s and 1960s, on many military installations, the toilet paper used in the toilets were made out of recycled government checks. The consistency of the toilet paper surface was that of the transparent paper used to hold film negatives, and had a very hard surface and was brittle. The way the personnel forced the management to get better paper rolls was to, when said
    management brought their only toilet paper from home, to substitute some of the recycled check toilet paper for theirs. This was done in the base commander’s office. It took about a month, before supply replaced all recycled paper rolls with much better quality, real toilet paper.

  58. What are the activists doing against the toilet paper crisis themselves – maybe they are embroidering or pressing their own toilet paper out of flax.

    Interesting Why they do not give away / propagate their trick.

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