Just in Time for the Holiday Season: ‘Climate Hellscape’ Christmas Gift Ideas!

Guest humor by David Middleton

It’s never too early to start Christmas (or whatever holiday) shopping and The Atlantic has some great gift ideas for the ‘Climate Hellscape’.

One of the things I love about The Atlantic is that they take themselves so seriously when writing utterly idiotic articles about all things climate-related.  It really makes it much more fulfilling to ridicule their articles than those of The Grauniad, NatGeo and Science (as in she blinded me with)…

TECHNOLOGY

Gadgets for the Climate Hellscape

What will climate adaptation look like? A million individual products, each precisely targeted on social media to the intersection of a consumer culture and a catastrophe.

ALEXIS C. MADRIGAL
NOV 13, 2018

As the red sun hung in the smoke-filled air outside, as the exhaust from the Camp Fire swept over the Bay Area, I was inside, looking at my phone, like everyone else. I was dying to go running, but the air quality index numbers, and my own eyes and lungs, told me that I shouldn’t. So I was scrolling Instagram when it served me an ad for Vent Performance Filtration Breathing Trainer, from the company Training Mask—tagline: “Breathe Free, Breathe Strong.”

The mask looks like a cross between an S&M accessory and military kit, technical meets Mortal Kombat. The ad for it explicitly linked the wildfires with working out; It could save my lungs from the global warming-induced, record-setting California fire season—and in “performance filtration mode,” it could train my respiratory muscles at the same time. It’s personal environmental gear with a fitspo bonus, the perfect gadget for the climate hellscape.

Because scientists and insurance companies agree: The fires have been historically bad, but it’s gonna get worse. Even before the Camp Fire became the most destructive wildfire fire in California history, gutting more than 7,000 structures so far, my colleague Rob Meyer reported on the recent catastrophic fire seasons.“The worst wildfires—and the hottest summers, and the worst floods—are yet to come. And the only technologically proven way to keep them at bay is to reduce greenhouse-gas emissions,” Meyer wrote.

[…]

Here in California, in the wealthy tech-heavy region of the Bay, the fires offer a glimpse of an emerging form of disaster capitalism. Climate adaptation could look like a million individual products, each precisely targeted on social media to the intersection of a consumer culture and a catastrophe. As the environment weirds, people can reinterpret the problem as a personal, consumer one: “What do I need to survive the biosphere today?”

[…]

There is evidence that CO2-enriched air reduces human cognitive functioning. So we have personal CO2 scrubbers that could be marketed to the entrepreneur looking to get an edge, or that student trying to ace the ACT.

For the floods, there’s a personal inflatable life vest and raft combination. It was designed for offshore workers, but could easily be sold as a solution for areas new way to make oneself resilient to flooding.

[…]

This all sounds absurd of course, until you’re staring at a combo crossfit-wildfire ad on Instagram. The world of gadgets, the supply chains that brought us fidget spinners and hoverboards, will adapt, produce, and market for the coming climate catastrophes. The world isn’t going to grind to a halt. It will just become hard in new ways. Companies, then, will try to soften the edges of even the worst scenarios. There is a blog called The Prepper Gourmet, after all.

[…]

The Atlantic

If I thought Mr. Madrigal was being sarcastic, I would call this article “brilliant”… I laughed my @$$ off all the way through it.

Christmas Gift ideas to help friends and family survive the ‘Climate Hellscape’

Here are a few Climate Hellscape gift ideas mentioned in the article…

“A screenshot from the Facebook version of the Training Mask California fire advertisement (Facebook)”

I went to the website, and it looks pretty wimpy…

$79 for that?  His haircut probably cost more than $79.

Why not just invest in a Scott Air Pack?  That’s what real firefighters wear…

To survive the coming Climate Hellscape floods, they suggest this item…

Cobham’s Survivor+ personal overboard survival system is a new class of advanced PFD that incorporates both a SOLAS approved inflatable life jacket and raft into a single system worn as a vest for maximum readiness and survivability.

Drowning, hypothermia, and exposure to life threatening sea spray and frigid winds are always safety concerns for offshore workers. In the event of an overboard emergency, not every crewmember is able to reach a life raft in time. Cobham, recognizing this dangerous reality, developed a solution that makes a life raft instantly accessible to each individual. As a result, Cobham is excited to introduce its new Survivor+ personal overboard survival system, which does just that.

Designed for offshore operations

Ideally suited for crew on offshore operations, rigs, support vessels, and wind farm transfers, Survivor+ offers these distinguishing features:

  • Life jacket and tethered raft worn as a vest

    (Cobham’s vacuum packed raft technology)

  • Activates automatically upon immersion
    (manual option)
  • Inflatable canopy with clear face shield and inflatable seat cushion for thermal protection
  • Bailout sleeve
  • Ballast bags for stabilization
  • Strobe light for easy night detection and optional PLB

Cobham

The first time I went offshore to rig, the Zapata Lexington in 1991, we weren’t running a helo, so I had to take the crew boat.  I spent much of the three-hour boat ride from Port Fourchon out to the Mississippi Canyon location, wondering how you get from the crew boat up to the rig.  Did they have a dock? An elevator?

Well, as we approached the rig, I saw the crane lift a basket with a couple of guys on it off the helipad (~100′ above the water) and lower it to the back deck of the boat. It’s called a Billy Pugh Basket…

 

The Schlumberger crew put their gear in the basket and grabbed on the the outside and it lifted them up to the helipad.  Seeing that I did not have a life jacket, one of the righands handed me a work vest and said, “Put dis on.” (very Cajun accent).  It looked like the vest on the right…

I put the vest on and cinched it up tight.  As the Billy Pugh Basket landed back on the deck, the righand checked to make sure I had the vest secured.  He tugged on it and said, “Dat be on upside down.  No matter, da fall will kill ya.”  The crane operator proceeded to lift me about 100′ above the helipad before setting me down.

The Zapata Lexington was a semi-submersible rig.  Zapata was George H. W. Bush’s drilling company and linked by conspiracy theorists to all sorts of things.  Most of Zapata’s semi’s shared names with famous aircraft carriers: Yorktown, Saratoga and Lexington.  Although the fourth rig in the class was the Concord… So they were probably named after Revolutionary War battles.

Well that story has nothing to do with this thread… But the “Cobham’s Survivor+ personal overboard survival system” brought back “fond” memories.  Thankfully due to technology and real-time data from offshore rigs, there’s rarely a need for geo’s to actually go offshore any more.  But a decent offshore work vest might be a good stocking stuffer for those dealing with the Climate Hellscape.

Since it now appears that 400 ppmv can inhibit cognitive functions (might explain the journalists of The Atlantic), they suggest personal CO2 scrubbers…

AIRBUS DEFENCE AND SPACE PRODUCTS – No price listed… probably expensive.

Personal CO2 scrubbers have CO2 control in manned confinements as required for the crew’s health and safety.  They also absorp CO2 from exhaled air by lithium hydroxide (LiOH), benefit more than conventional absorbers (e.g. soda-lime) with regards to weight and volume, and have more than 20 years of successful and safe operations of LiOH scrubber systems for
space flight and submarine applications.
Main features:

  • Exhalation through cartridge via mask, which can be adapted for customised application
  • One set featuring a half mask with flexible tubing and a cartridge double pack
  • Dimensions of Ø150mm / length 200mm per double pack
  • Weight of 2.2kg per double pack
  • Capacity of 200ltr CO2 per double pack minimum
  • Shelf-life of two years
  • Main applications are for underwater rescue and space

Naval Technology

I would save money and buy the Apollo 13 DVD or Blu-ray…

And the following items

  • The cover of a flight plan
  • Two lithium hydroxide canisters
  • A roll of Duct tape
  • Two Liquid-Cooled Garment bags
  • Two red suit hoses
  • One sock
  • One Bungee cord

Then follow these instructions:

 

The kids will love this gift!

At this point, I was convinced that Mr. Madrigal was being sarcastic.  Then I finished reading the article…

None of this will save the planet. But for most people—from Micronesia to San Francisco—they’re just trying to get through the day, adapting to climate change’s effects with whatever is to hand, or browsable by thumb.

ALEXIS C. MADRIGAL is a staff writer at The Atlantic. He’s the author of Powering the Dream: The History and Promise of Green Technology.

The Atlantic

Save the planet?  Warning: Lots of F-bombs

Christmas gift ideas to help friends and family Realize that the ‘Climate Hellscape’ is nothing but bad science fiction

I personally plan to give my friends and family gifts that make them thankful for fossil fuels.

All of this…

Not only fuels the global economy and feeds half of the world… It also barely lifted us above “severe and sustained carbon starvation on glacial Juniperus trees at La Brea”…

And helped us avoid “The Ice Age Cometh?”…

And it did all of that despite our paltry contribution to the global carbon cycle…

For the friends who have everything…

This genuine HadCRUT4 thermometer would be a great gift!

 

How about a handy sea-level-rise-o-meter?  It’s in both metric and American!

Or this official Gorebal Warming flashlight?

JC at the National Press Club, Climate Etc.

Final Remarks

If at any point you were unsure if I was being sarcastic, I was.

 

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43 thoughts on “Just in Time for the Holiday Season: ‘Climate Hellscape’ Christmas Gift Ideas!

  1. He (the author) lives in the SF Bay area. He is probably a socialist, as a reference to a “disaster capitalism” suggests. I have survived a disaster socialism once, and I don’t wish to repeat that experience – if he wishes, he can do so. In Venezuela. Please.

  2. I think the most useful gift for the global warming guy or gal would be a canoe:
    1) You could use it as a boat to escape the floods predicted by global warming in your area, or
    2) You could fill it with water and use it to help you get through the droughts which are also predicted for your area.

    It would also be useful to strap it upside-down on your back when walking underneath wind farm rotors, so that you don’t get plastered by all the shredded eagle parts raining down.

    • I’d go with a towel…

      “A towel, [The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy] says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.”

      Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

  3. As people’s paranoia ramps up in response to the MSM’s fear mongering about climate change, economic opportunities will open up for those willing to exploit the hysteria. I would think the promoters of the Cobham’s Survivor+ can sell it as a floating “safe space”, cuddling snow flakes from having to deal with a flood.

  4. The “exhaust” from a forest fire.

    Someone must be taking a creative writing class at the community college.

  5. I’m surprised that canned Perri-Air a la Spaceballs is not among the gift suggestions.

    • Bruce,

      you’re a cataclysmic anthropogenic global weirding denier then, I take it?

      The science of global weirding is clear. The science is in. And it’s getting weirder every year.

      Carbon dioxide absorbs weirdness radiated from the Earth’s surface and scatters it, acting like a “blanket” to prevent its escape back into space.

      Worrying about ‘the English language’ is a diversionary ploy akin to rearranging chairs on the Hindenburg.

      Weird regards

      Brad Keyes

  6. The Atlantic takes themselves seriously no matter what nonsense they write, it doesn’t need to be related to climate. Look at some of the hilarious pieces they post to RCP. I would have loved to been in their editorial board room the morning 11/9/2016.

  7. “There is evidence that CO2-enriched air reduces human cognitive functioning.”

    The only evidence I see is that obsessing about CO2-enriched air reduces human cognitive functioning.

    • This could explain the level of stupidity we witness these days, since most people spend most of their time in enclosures, where CO2 levels are quite elevated, compared to the oft stated ambient level.

  8. Two comments (add \sarc if you want. I refuse to.)

    The model in the picture with the Vent respiratory protection: He needs to shave. Can’t get a good seal with a beard or stubble. Full face mask would be better, but still no beards and sometimes
    there is leakage around glasses.

    Personal CO2 scrubbers: Active ingredient is LiOH. Lithium? Lithium? That precious element needed for phone and electric vehicle batteries? That will be some tradeoff, do I breathe or talk or
    drive?

  9. At least these things are taxable and good for the tax base, even if they amount to fad purchases along the lines of Chia Pets, Pet Rocks, and the Clapper. It’s the era of the Climate Clapper now and brought to you by The Atlantic.

  10. I lived in Los Angeles in the mid-1960s, when sometimes you could not see the end of the block because of the smog and news cast would caution people not to go outside un-necessarily. Coming in to LAX by plane, the whole area was unseen under a grey-brown blanket.

    • I remember 65-67 LA drizzle burning my eyes as the NOx was being converted to HNO3. The corrosion on my 750cc RE caused me to have to wax it weekly and wash the aluminum heads every other day. I had to park it in the open in Santa Monica and either the mist or the condensation chewed away at everything, not to mention occasional salt aerosols from the beach.

  11. David, thanks. I enjoyed this…lots of fun…

    especially George Carlin’s Saving the Planet.

    Regards,
    Bob

  12. Does the breathing apparatus use an Active Charcoal Filter? ( I glanced at their website but didn’t immediately find an answer.) If so, and since Active Charcoal is Carbon, then they are ‘purifying’ air from pollutants by forcing it through Carbon.

    Carbon purifies and pollutes at the same time?

  13. 400 ppm of CO2 can inhibit cognitive function???

    With every breath I exhale 40,000 to 50,000 ppm of CO2. So the whole time this was the real reason they swooned when I walked by.

    Dam you climate change.

  14. I have an idea. Let’s implement a ‘Financial Transaction tax’ NOT a ‘carbon tax’. Let’s see if all those Hedge Fund and Wall Street Billionaires support that. They won’t because they would have to pay less than a penny every time they buy a financial instrument. But when we buy things every day we pay a ‘sales tax’.

  15. Oh, another “hellscape” frenzy packs, or “gift business”, for sale,as in ole good days, but this time related to climate rather than
    as then, the time of the daring indisputable looming “nuclear armageddon”…the cold war gift
    “hellscape packs”.

    Very much a copy-paste repetition like.

    Like the best ever “genius” opportunistic activity achievement could be regarded as very much, more often than not, as closely borderlines with what may be considered as a clever sophisticated and well intended theft… a “genius” or an ‘art” in its own…the art of theft!

    Oh well, maybe am exaggerating…a little hopefully. (else got to face the google wroth…at some point)

    cheers

    • Maybe we should invest in then companies selling these products. Why shouldn’t we, also, make money off Catastrophic Anthropogenic Global Warming?

      • Yes Why not!

        A very ‘brilliant idea” for a Netflix movie theme…:)
        With a lot of passion involved there.

        But still Murphy’s Law still a very daring “bitch” to contend with, against ones best interest in continuity of successful “survival”.

        Thank you Jim, for your interest.

        cheers

  16. I remember 65-67 LA drizzle burning my eyes as the NOx was being converted to HNO3. The corrosion on my 750cc RE caused me to have to wax it weekly and wash the aluminum heads every other day. I had to park it in the open in Santa Monica and either the mist or the condensation chewed away at everything, not to mention occasional salt aerosols from the beach.

  17. Actually, japanese scientists discovered years ago that CO2 in the air can be beneficial to humans as well as plants. A slight build up in the blood leads to artery dilation. Endurance athletes know it as the second wind.

  18. The convergence of climate alarmism and the worst aspects of hipsterism is complete. Next purchase… a direct drive track bicycle with no brakes, for saving the planet.

  19. I have the perfect winter solstice gift idea for the hipster climasstrologist that has everything. A Scott Air Tank, and a Saddam Spider Hole, with a water tight liner. Fill it with water and you have a fire proof sensory deprivation chamber.
    Useful when you need to hide from reality on a regular basis, and when Gaia is going through humanity induced menopausal hot flashes, and you want to wait her out.

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