CERN researchers confirm existence of the Force

From CERN via press release:

The Force has proven a popular research tool for the CERN beams department (Image: Max Brice and Daniel Dominguez/CERN)

The Force has proven a popular research tool for the CERN beams department (Image: Max Brice and Daniel Dominguez/CERN)

Researchers at the Large Hadron Collider just recently started testing the accelerator for running at the higher energy of 13 TeV, and already they have found new insights into the fundamental structure of the universe. Though four fundamental forces  – the strong force, the weak force, the electromagnetic force and gravity – have been well documented and confirmed in experiments over the years, CERN announced today the first unequivocal evidence for the Force. “Very impressive, this result is,” said a diminutive green spokesperson for the laboratory.

“The Force is what gives a particle physicist his powers,” said CERN theorist Ben Kenobi of the University of Mos Eisley, Tatooine. “It’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us; and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together.”

Though researchers are as yet unsure what exactly causes the Force, students and professors at the laboratory have already started to harness its power. Practical applications so far include long-distance communication, influencing minds, and lifting heavy things out of swamps.

CERN librarian Tullio Basaglia has learnt to harness the Force to return reference books to their shelves (Image: Max Brice and Daniel Dominguez/CERN)

CERN librarian Tullio Basaglia has learnt to harness the Force to return reference books to their shelves (Image: Max Brice and Daniel Dominguez/CERN)

Kenobi says he first started teaching the ways of the Force to a young lady who was having trouble revising for her particle-physics exams. “She said that I was her only hope,” says Kenobi. “So I just kinda took it from there. I designed an experiment to detect the Force, and passed on my knowledge.”

Kenobi’s seminal paper “May the Force be with EU” – a strong argument that his experiment should be built in Europe – persuaded the CERN Council to finance the installation of dozens of new R2 units for the CERN data centre*. These plucky little droids are helping physicists to cope with the flood of data from the laboratory’s latest experiment, the Thermodynamic Injection Energy (TIE) detector, recently installed at the LHC.

“We’re very pleased with this new addition to CERN’s accelerator complex,” said data analyst Luke Daniels of human-cyborg relations. “The TIE detector has provided us with plenty of action, and what’s more it makes a really cool sound when the beams shoot out of it.”

But the research community is divided over the discovery. Dark-matter researcher Dave Vader was unimpressed, breathing heavily in disgust throughout the press conference announcing the results, and dismissing the cosmological implications of the Force with the quip “Asteroids do not concern me”.

Rumours are growing that this rogue researcher hopes to delve into the Dark Side of the Standard Model, and could even build his own research station some day. With the academic community split, many are tempted by Vader’s invitations to study the Dark Side, especially researchers working with red lasers, and anyone really with an evil streak who looks good in dark robes.

CERN physicist Valerio Rossetti harnesses the Force for more mundane tasks, such as reheating coffee (Image: Max Brice and Daniel Dominguez/CERN)

CERN physicist Valerio Rossetti harnesses the Force for more mundane tasks, such as reheating coffee (Image: Max Brice and Daniel Dominguez/CERN)

“We hope to continue to study the Force, and perhaps use it to open doors with our minds and fly around and stuff,” said TIE experimentalist Fan Buoi. “Right now, to be honest, I don’t really care how it works. The theory department have some crackpot idea about life forms called midi-chlorians, but frankly I think that poorly thought out explanations like that just detract from how cool the Force really is.”

With the research ongoing, many at CERN are already predicting that the Force will awaken later this year.

*Sources close to the Data Centre later revealed that these were not the droids they were looking for.

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103 thoughts on “CERN researchers confirm existence of the Force

    • Ah Mr Watts. Still pulling the old April Fool’s day pranks. Good to see. What was the old Garfield line “you can only be young once but you can be immature forever”.
      Happy April 1st to you sir and I hope you have many many more.
      May the Farce be with you!!

  1. They’ve nailed it. The third picture shows what gives me my power: a cup of coffee. My apologies to Douglas Adams, but a cup of tea really doesn’t do it.

  2. A funny little exercise is to substitute “plot” for “force” everywhere it appears in the movie.
    “The plot is strong with this one.”
    “An now it is time to introduce you to the dark side of the plot.”
    “Believe in the plot, Luke.”
    etc, etc, etc, and you can then see that Jedi Knights were characters who could see the plot of the movie they were in and trusted it completely and served its needs.

  3. Well it was April 1st here when I read the post “White House Releases Plan to Lower Carbon Dioxide Emissions”.

  4. I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced by the realization that it was April 1 and they had only 14 days to file their taxes. I fear something terrible has will happened.”

    • {apparently html isn’t allowed. that’s “will Happen” with appropriate strikeouts originally coded.

    • I never file my taxes on the 14th. I heartily recommend to everyone to blow off filing on the 15th. About 6 months ago I got a letter from the IRS politely (in IRS speak) inquiring about my 2012 taxes. I decided, what’s the rush, and waited for the 2nd letter which wasn’t quite as polite. So, I responded as politely as I could, that I didn’t owe them any taxes, and provided the necessary documentation, but mostly using their very own numbers from their letters. In the interim, between this courtship, the IRS sent me a letter inquiring about my unfiled 2013 taxes. I guess, after my previous correspondence, that I’m not getting a second letter about 2013. I’m still alive. The sky didn’t fall. Nothing happened. Try it sometime.
      No, this is not an April fools trick.

      • Usually the IRS doesn’t even make inquiries until after 3 years. The reason is that they have this nifty little rule that says they do not pay refunds after 3 years.

  5. The formula being: R2/D2 =C(3P)O where C= constant, P= Pi ( steak usually), R = radius of the Universe and D= Kenji the Dog.

      • OSG
        Surely.
        It’s more absurd than the Grauniad urging its readers to vote Tory – to keep UKIP out – in three-way Tory-Lab-UKIP marginal seats.
        Non-Brits – don’t be too concerned, as we have an election. We are not going to get Syritza, but, conceivably, we may get a majority government.
        Don’t bet on it, though . . . . . .
        Auto

  6. Ok, thats pretty funny. It’s like how CO2 “force” .. ing diminishes logarithmically in real terms, but since it operates as the “force” Darth Gore actually makes it’s force*ing increase exponentially with increased concentration. Ah the red Co2 forcing light saber of unequaled heat.

  7. I knew something was fishy immediately since I know the LHC is currently shut down to fix a shortcircuit in a diode box connection path.
    May the Farce Be With You.

  8. *Sources close to the Data Centre later revealed that these were not the droids they were looking for.
    That actually is probably closer to the truth. The data center guys at GISS and NCDC seem to be easily manipulated by the dark side

  9. “The Force is what gives a particle physicist his powers”
    Where does he get his green tights and yellow knickers?

  10. The point of April Fools gags is they are meant to be believable enough to actually fool people.
    Just sayin’.

    • Climate Change fits that description apparently. With the IPCC, their calendar is stuck on April 1st.

  11. I bet this will be the “real” science in a few decades. New age evolution crud is the future globull warming.

  12. This must mean that Metachlorians are a following, rather than a leading indicator of high Force potential. Those Jedi are so full of themselves!

    • The big tragedy is that Anthropomorphic Global Warming is destroying the natural habitat of wild Midichlorians. In addition to a drastic drop in their numbers, it means an inevitable extinction of Jedis.
      Ban CO2 now or forever lose Jedis.

  13. In further news, the Académie française has denounced the name of “The Force” as a vulgar Anglicism and demanded that all patriotic Frenchmen should refer to the newly-discovered phenomenon as “l’éthérique chose de motivation du Jedi”. Citizens who fail to observe this rule will be fed to the sarlacc in white wine sauce with a side order of snails, marinated leeks and herbs in the rustic Breton style. The lightsaber will be known as “la baguette lumineuse de la guerre”.

  14. Things you hear on the vine: Did you know that Rudolph is a dyslexic sceptic? True: He’s a reindeer!

    • Harry says “Did you know that Rudolph is a dyslexic sceptic? True: He’s a reindeer!”
      He’s a Russian meteorologist: Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

  15. Help me out, please.
    Is it a collider of large Hadrons, or is it a large collider of Hadrons?
    Please be gentle. I’m not from around here.

  16. The CRU gang are probably trying to model it already with a view to connecting it to CO2 emissions, and have perhaps asked Mr. Mann if there’s a decline in The Force that needs to be hidden.
    Ok I’m being silly.

  17. If you become one with the force you get free gift certificates from NASA GISS redeemable at the Clown Training Academe and at ‘Clowns-R-Us’retail stores.
    It’s April Fool’s Day all year long with Gavin.
    John

  18. I don’t believe anyone ever said “rocket science” was settled, did they ?
    You really have to give it too anyone, that would want to sit atop one.
    Wow.

    • Thanks, U.K.! Good clean April 1st fun and safer than shooting at grandpa’s nitro-glycerin vials.

  19. Anyone else ever noticed the description of dark matter and the force are quite similar.

  20. Obviously AGW interferes with “The Force” and when the sun doesn’t shine or the wind doesn’t blow between 20-40mph, then we will all experience “The Dark Side”!
    Nice one Anthony

  21. Meanwhile in a nation far far away a looming election shows the dark side has completely taken over and the Force of Sanity has been completely extinguished.

  22. That CERN result is nothing. IIIIIiii found Gail Combs! And she appears to have been drinking from a fountain of youth!

    Now which would you rather have, the lousy force, or this nice secret of being young and smart, and reducing national debt?

  23. Giggle, actually I didn’t see the date at first, but I was skeptical straight away. But it has given me a great idea for a Sci-Fi short story I am working on. Anyway, Happy Easter or Passover everyone. And let the force be with you, LOL.

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