A parody of current politics; a spoof; if it doesn’t make you chuckle, I quit!
Guest post by Caleb Shaw
The beer institute has come out with its yearly figures, and I am sad to report that you people are slacking off. For the third straight year the United States has drunk less beer than they did the year before. As I will explain later, this has had a very bad effect on the environment, and especially the climate.
I am proud to say I am doing my part to help the climate. Here in New Hampshire we lead the nation in per capita consumption of beer. Some suggest this may explain the “Live Free Or Die” on our license plates, and also the fact we are the only remaining state where insurance companies have been unable to force adults to wear seatbelts if they don’t (bleeping) feel like it. In any case, we drink 43 gallons of beer a year. (That’s only an average. Some of us drink more.)
Three miles from my front door is the state line, and just across that imaginary line are a miserable bunch, living in the state of Taxachusetts. Those poor Flatlanders rank 41st, only drinking 26 gallons a year. (Amazingly, some even drink less!)
This likely explains why they are so tense and up tight down there. I wish they’d just relax and be honest, but instead they have to be this thing called “politically correct,” which seems to have little to do with just telling the truth. They like to say they have overcome their Puritan roots, however the truth is: They are so up-tight and Puritan, (about just about everything,) that they make Puritans of the 1600’s look wanton. After all, those old Puritans had masses of children; (Paul Revere had sixteen,) however the modern Puritans of Taxachusetts fret that having sex with the opposite sex might be a little bit…dare I say it…”homophobic.” I really think they need to quit taking their medications, and instead medicate themselves with a beer.|
They tend to get a bit haughty when I speak honestly. They feel I am some sort of Redneck. They tilt their noses skywards, and say, “While you drink 43 gallons a year, we only drink 26. Obviously you are ossified, whilst we are rational.” That’s how they get, down there in the Flatlands, with all their concern about statistics, facts and figures, and other bureaucratic number-mumbo-jumbo. However the Truth is surprisingly different from their peculiar view of reality.
For example, facts and figures show that no one in Massachusetts buys fireworks, for they are illegal. In New Hampshire fireworks are legal, so facts and figures show we spend an amazing amount, per capita, on stuff that goes up in smoke. Therefore a Massachusetts snob could state we are foolish to spend on what goes up in smoke, and they are far wiser.
The only problem with these facts and figures is that, when you look in the parking lots of our fireworks stores, not all that many of the cars have license plates that say, “Live Free Or Die,” on them. (They don’t say, “Live Taxed and Regulated,” but they do say, “Massachusetts.”)
Furthermore, if you climb a high hill and look south into Massachusetts, as night falls on the evening of Independence Day, it looks like the entire state of Massachusetts is breaking the law. If fireworks are against the law in Massachusetts, they are a nation of hypocrites, writing laws with their tongues firmly planted in their cheeks. (And it must now be stated that the Attorney General of Massachusetts, (supposedly the one upholding The Law,) is on record for stating a most amazing hypocrisy, (concerning illegal aliens,) “It is not illegal to be illegal in Massachusetts.”)
They are a mysterious bunch, those Flatlanders.
However, to get back to my point, the facts and figures concerning fireworks do not include the fact thousands of people flee Massachusetts’ oppression to enjoy our freedom, and buy fireworks here in New Hampshire. In the same way, the facts and figures concerning the consumption of beer do not include the fact many in Massachusetts do some calculating, and even with the price of gas high, figure out it is worth their while to drive up here to buy beer, escaping the oppression of Massachusetts taxes.
Because I live on the border, and actually see, when I go to buy hooch, no parking places, due to cars from Massachusetts, and because I only want a six-pack but the people from Massachusetts are buying sixteen cases, I can even go so far as to suggest the people of New Hampshire do not drink as much as facts and figures show, whist the people of Massachusetts are all as drunken as lords. (It might explain their politics.)
What does this have to do with Global Warming?
It has to do with the fact it is silly to play games with statistics, comparing two abutting states and ignoring the fact people cross state lines.
Last spring, if you look at the temperature anomalies of the entire planet, you notice the entirety of the planet was cooling. Only in one spot was it warm: North America. However the media seized upon the microcosm of North America to blare political propaganda about Global Warming, ignoring the macrocosm of the cooling entirety.
This year the entirety is actually warmer, but the microcosm of North America has been colder than a witch’s bodily part, especially in Minnesota, which was near the center of last year’s warmth. However the response of the media has been deathly silence.
The media really needs to wise up. It is not merely the people of Minnesota who notice when a nice, warm spring is used to beat a drum of Global Warming doom and gloom, while the following spring, which is much more like doom and gloom to the people who actually endure it, inexplicably escapes notice.
What the media really needs to do is crack a beer. They need to stop being so politically correct, and so observant of political agendas, and instead to enjoy the lack of discretion that a beer makes possible.
This brings me, at long last, to how beer affects the Global Climate.
As some of you know, CO2 is not a major component of the Earth’s atmosphere. In fact, it is such a small part of the air we breathe that it is a bit amazing that plants, which depend on CO2 the same way we depend on Oxygen, do not suffocate. However we are asked to believe that this tiny, tiny part of our atmosphere can have humongous effects. Well, if it has such a humongous effect, despite being tiny, it is a bit like a tiny pebble that can start a huge avalanche, is it not? And, if such a tiny thing can have such a huge effect, so can another tiny thing, like the head on your beer.
After all, the head of your beer is mostly CO2. If a little pebble can start an avalanche, then whether you have one beer or ten could make a difference in the wheat crops. (It will definitely make a difference in your relationships with your boss, and also your wife, (occasionally one and the same,) but that is another matter.) If warming is a bad thing, then you should drink less beer and release less CO2. However the opposite might be true. We might be, (according to certain Russian scientists,) on the verge of another Little Ice Age, or even the next Real Ice Age. If that were the case, the fact you only had one beer, rather than ten, might be the pebble that tipped the tipping point, starting the avalanche of events into the next ice age. (You might think you don’t matter, but Chaos Theory states even a butterfly flapping its wings can matter.)
(I’ll know if you caught my drift, if I see you looking at the froth of your next beer in a rather owlish and overly serious manner.) Of course the people of Taxachusetts will not believe that this “tipping point” exists, unless I produce facts and figures. I can do so. The last winter was colder, and beer consumption in the northern hemisphere was way down. It is scientific proof: Less beer causes colder winters.
I will furthermore supply links.
Beer consumption is down in the USA: http://cnsnews.com/blog/gregory-gwyn-williams-jr/americans-consume-63-billion-gallons-beer-annually
In the United Kingdom, consumption of beer in pubs has fallen by an alarming 50 million, (I repeat, 50 MILLION,) pints. http://www.thedrinksbusiness.com/2013/04/pub-beer-sales-fall-by-50-million-pints/
But we can depend on the Germans to drink beer, can’t we? Alas, apparently not. German beer sales have hit a twenty-year-low. http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-04-30/german-beer-sales-decline-to-lowest-in-20-years-on-cold-weather.html
However the link to Germany provides a crucial factor. The reason Germans drank less beer was (supposedly) because the weather was colder.
Do you see how ominous this trend is!!!? If people drink less beer, the beer’s froth will produce less CO2, and less CO2 will make the weather colder, which will cause people to drink even less beer. It is a vicious cycle which, like a mere pebble starting the mighty avalanche, could freeze our socks off, with the onset of glaciers and an ice age which will plow Boston and Taxachusetts right off the face of the map.
The only way for you to prevent this horrible destiny is for you to drink more beer. Please do it. I know you hate beer, especially when the weather is cold, but I’m asking on bended knee. Your grandchildren are depending on you.
Interesting, humorous, and well done, Caleb. But about those declining sales:
My mother was born early last century and experienced both Prohibition and the Great Depression. She knew something about drinking. Her motto was “Don’t share.” Thus, when the wee ones wanted a sip of her beer and reached for her glass she would slap our hand and tell us to “get your own d— beer.” Home brewing and stills were still common after prohibition but following the military action in Korea and the GI Bill there were very strong trends in the US toward urban living, disposable income, and large families. More beer was purchased rather than made – we went to a distributor for a 24 bottle case of 16 oz. Schmidt’s of Philadelphia. There were no grocery store sales.
The large number of children (a slow beginning in 1946 but peaking in the mid-1950s) became known as the “Baby boomers” (a demographic bulge) and this cohort has moved into late middle-age and retirement. The ‘46ers were age 62 in 2008. The varied activities of this group of folks as they grew included drinking a lot of beer.
Cans of beer became available in the mid-1930s but the first 16 oz. can of beer came in 1954 via the Jos. Schlitz Brewing Company. Autos became more available. Deaths from drinking and driving went up. As they say, the rest is history.
Therefore, it is not surprising that maintaining beer consumption is going to be a problem as the boomers age. My age group – either called War Babies or ‘those that came before’ – may still follow our mother’s directive but find keeping up is ever harder and there are fewer of us daily.
I sense a cold one calling. Cheers.
What’s with you tonight Anthony. Another curve ball?
It all sounds rather logical, in fact, it is in practice.
Now for the model and abstract.
Good post Caleb.
Everyone needs something to believe in…
I believe I’ll have another beer.
Caleb Shaw
“However we are asked to believe that this tiny, tiny part of our atmosphere can have humongous effects. Well, if it has such a humongous effect, despite being tiny, it is a bit like a tiny pebble that can start a huge avalanche, is it not? And, if such a tiny thing can have such a huge effect, so can another tiny thing, like the head on your beer.”
Caleb,
I’m delighted to confirm that the EU’s SWAT-MaDw team (Shroud-Waving-Astroturfing-Trolls = Maniac Anti Deniers) have spotted your posting and this passing comment and scurried to report up the line.
As others have noted, proper beer will soon be phased out and replaced by fizzy and metallic tasting ‘lager’ – this is EU work in progress.
But I can reveal that Connie Hedegaard, EU Commissioner for Climate Action (sic), will make a major announcement about ‘tiny pebbles’ at her forthcoming keynote speech at the Europe Conference 2013 in Copenhagen, tomorrow.
http://ec.europa.eu/commission_2010-2014/hedegaard/agenda/agenda_en.htm#nj-d_2013-05-03_02
Highly paid Consultants have scoured Europe to find a suitable ‘beneficial crisis’ and found a ‘huge avalanche’ in a disused quarry in Central England. Not only had several hundred tons of rock fallen but it is feared that some Great Crested Newts may have been killed.
Disregarding the massively industry funded propaganda that the slope was unstable and couldn’t be stabilised without disturbing the love-lives of the fantastically rare and endangered newts (which live in their millions in Central England), computer models prove conclusively that this avalanche was indeed caused by a ‘tiny pebble’. Scientists confirm that things are, indeed, worse than we thought and point out that frost action due to global-warming-caused frosts, were making tiny pebbles even tinnier.
(Besides, no-one in Brussels has even heard of Rock Mechanics.)
In a major policy development, the World’s Media will hear our Great Helmsperson Connie’s announcement of the EU’s new Pebble Directive. This will immediately ban the tinniest pebbles across Europe. And also set up a Pebble Trading Scheme and impose taxation designed to ensure that small (but bigger than tiny) pebbles cost at least as much as medium sized cobbles. This will be incrementally increased by an army of dedicated Eurocrats, trained to talk cobblers, until any remaining stones cost at least as much as gold ingots.
This will greatly promote the trade in gold ingots which are far less likely to cause avalanches and disturb newts. And, indeed, Members of the Commission have, in a gesture of great self-sacrifice, agreed to safely store all gold ingots themselves and only charge quite a modest storage cost to hard-pressed EU taxpayers.
Other ingots will, it is hoped, become available to useful members of the press, national political leaders and selected bankers and hedge –fund operators.
In an interview with the Blessed Connie in her luxury penthouse, sipping best Eco-Fascist Vichy Water (although hers looked more like Vintage Champagne), she commented – “Again the EU Commission demonstrates it’s nurturing care for the Environment in general and Newts in particular. The Pebbles Directive will ensure that our grandchildren will grow up knowing that we have saved the Newts as well as the Environment and the Climate.”
/sarc
Drink hot mulled beer. Emits the same amount of CO₂ (while boiling, mostly), saves the planet, helps overcome peak beer, makes you warm & tastes delicious. Can you ask for more?
There is an important point missing in this essay. In UK we drink ALE which is not refrigerated but instead is kept pleasantly cool, normally in a beer cellar (i.e below ground level). As it is not refrigerated, when it is poured into a room temperature glass it starts to warm which causes it to outgas CO2 On the other hand the refrigerated lager which Americans (and Aussies, Germans, Dutch, Danes, etc.) drink is too cold to outgas CO2. Therefore it makes more sense to drink Ale not only for this reason but also Americans (and Aussies, etc.) drink their “beer” very cold so they cannot taste it! If they had to taste it they wouldn’t drink it at all!!
Back about 35 years ago a bumper sticker that was put out by one of the many Massachusetts government agencies said, “Make It In Massachusetts”.
A New Hampshire company came out with an answer to that sticker that said,
“Make It In Massachusetts
Spend It In New Hampshire”
A wife of an alcoholic in the Ozarks decided to scare her husband into quitting drinking once and for all. When he came home drunk she was waiting for him dressed in a Satan costume and making eerie, screeching and ghostly sounds. As he waddled through the door he said, “Who are you?”
“I am the devil.” She said.
“Shake hands devil. I married your sister.”
Steady on now. We don’t all want to go rushing into this excessive beer drinking lark together. That’s going to end up producing a hockey stick in beer sales. Then where would we be? Caleb Shaw would be plied with government grants and awards and I fear the temptation would be simply too much to resist.
We drink manly 20oz pints here in the UK not those girly 16oz ones you Americans drink.
Excuse me Mr. Shaw, or Caleb, but you state: “Three miles from my front door is the state line”
Given the size of your state, can’t every resident make that claim?
Beer consumption follows temperature, when it’s warm more people reach for a cold beer and when it’s cold people reach for a hot beverage.
Amazing. And a good laugh; but you can’t trust those Flatlanders one little bit…….”The only problem with these facts and figures is that, when you look in the parking lots of our fireworks stores, not all that many of the cars have license plates that say, “Live Free Or Die,” on them.”
Nope, they don’t do they. But what happens to all those unignited fireworks purchased by the Bostonians?
According to The Boston Globe, the FBI has said that the contents of the discarded backpack, allegedly thrown in the trash by Tsarnaev’s friends, include: fireworks, jar of vaseline, and homework sheet. That’s significant because, as CNN noted on air, vaseline can be used in making an explosive.
What they have yet to understand is that fireworks actually explode too.
Your shout. And make mine a “Little Creatures”.
In Chemistry, Beer is a solution!
RE: Sceptical Sam
Bringing up fireworks and the Marathon Bombers will take this post into far less humorous territory, but I’ll go there, just a few steps.
First, it is my understanding that Islam forbids beer. This may explain a certain up-tightness.
Second, there will likely be a moment to forbid fireworks, however better bombs are made of other stuff.
Third, it might be wiser to forbid welfare, for healthy and strong young men. Many is the time I found my thinking was improved by being forced to get some brainless job. Even working as a dishwasher was better than sitting around with writer’s-block, complaining that no one would support my “great art.” (It is sort of like making crazy people do basket-weaving in an insane asylum; it keeps the brains away from the crazy lines of logic.) When you pay welfare to a young man, and he is just sitting around, trouble is sure to come of it. “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop.”
By the way “Idle Hands” is a name of a Boston microbrewery.
This beer problem was solved along time ago I thought, in Tasmania in 1988.
Young Einstein
Albert Einstein is the son of a Tasmanian apple farmer, who discovers the secret of splitting the beer atom to put the bubbles back into beer.
http://youtu.be/q8ahVJ-7Bdg
RE: philjourdan says:
May 2, 2013 at 5:00 am
All tight, wise guy. New Hampshire isn’t THAT small. Lake Winnipesaukee is 21 miles long and 9 miles wide.
Does Texas even have a lake? (A natural one, I mean.)
I lived out in the four corners region for four years, and loved the landscape and the views. There are not many views like that in New Hampshire. However you can see more things walking five miles in New Hampshire than you see walking fifty out west.
Bigger isn’t always better, unless its a beer. (Some women might disagree.)
Caleb,
A better statistic may show your 43 gallons to be teetotalers. Take Whiteclay, Neb. and their 38750 gal per person ( although a couple may drink a little less)
See –
Just six hours from Denver is the town of Whiteclay, Neb. Its population: about 12. Yet in 2010, this tiny town sold 465,000 gallons of beer, enough for nearly 5 million 12-ounce servings. There’s no place in Whiteclay to legally consume beer, and state law prohibits its resale. So where is all that beer going? Just 250 feet from Whiteclay’s border is the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation, home of the Lakota people of the Oglala Sioux Tribe — population about 40,000.
It’s illegal to drink, possess, sell or transport alcohol onto the reservation. Yet Pine Ridge is drowning in beer: Alcohol abuse impacts 85 percent of families and accounted for 90 percent of arrests in 2008.
Read more: Pine Ridge Indian Reservation is drowning in beer – The Denver Post http://www.denverpost.com/opinion/ci_20704990/drowning-beer#ixzz2S9WW5Nak
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@ur momisugly Caleb says:
May 2, 2013 at 8:43 am
But it looks so SMALL on the map! 😉 (For the record, I am not a Texan, just from an average size state).
Young Einstein…one of the most imaginative comedies and also very funny!
philjourdan says:
May 2, 2013 at 9:21 am
@ur momisugly Caleb says:
May 2, 2013 at 8:43 am
But it looks so SMALL on the map! 😉 …
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
That is because NH is badly wrinkled so it looks smaller. Most of the miles are either up or down. (I lived in NH for several years)
As a brewer and driker of way more the COs average, I love watching those yeast produce tons of CO2. I wonder if all the tree huggers in colorado’s craft brew scene know how much CO2 they produce. It is beautiful.
Thanks Caleb,great satire, buy hey, who knew the mighty brew was responsible?
I had been blaming “it” on Somali pirates.
As a non-beer drinker, I don’t help to bring that stuff in the atmospher for joy of the plants that like that gas. But on the other side, Belgium probably has more breweries and unique types of beer than any other country in the world for the number of inhabitants. And we are home of the largest brewery group of the world, they even bought that non-drinkable Bud stuff that people in the US think that is beer.
Well, ever tried a Duvel or a Westmalle Trappist, then you know what beer is! See:
http://www.belgianbrewers.be/en/beer-culture/the-art-of-beer/beer-styles/
But even here, beer consumption is going down…
@ferdinand meeus – if you are not a drinker, how do you know Bud is not drinkable?
(I personally prefer the Czech Budwieser, but hey! What do I know? I only consume about 20 gallons a year. 😉