Beer Crisis Could Trigger Ice Age

A parody of current politics; a spoof; if it doesn’t make you chuckle, I quit!

Guest post by Caleb Shaw

The beer institute has come out with its yearly figures, and I am sad to report that you people are slacking off. For the third straight year the United States has drunk less beer than they did the year before. As I will explain later, this has had a very bad effect on the environment, and especially the climate.

I am proud to say I am doing my part to help the climate. Here in New Hampshire we lead the nation in per capita consumption of beer. Some suggest this may explain the “Live Free Or Die” on our license plates, and also the fact we are the only remaining state where insurance companies have been unable to force adults to wear seatbelts if they don’t (bleeping) feel like it. In any case, we drink 43 gallons of beer a year. (That’s only an average. Some of us drink more.)

Three miles from my front door is the state line, and just across that imaginary line are a miserable bunch, living in the state of Taxachusetts.  Those poor Flatlanders rank 41st, only drinking 26 gallons a year. (Amazingly, some even drink less!)

This likely explains why they are so tense and up tight down there. I wish they’d just relax and be honest, but instead they have to be this thing called “politically correct,” which seems to have little to do with just telling the truth. They like to say they have overcome their Puritan roots, however the truth is: They are so up-tight and Puritan, (about just about everything,) that they make Puritans of the 1600’s look wanton. After all, those old Puritans had masses of children; (Paul Revere had sixteen,) however the modern Puritans of Taxachusetts fret that having sex with the opposite sex might be a little bit…dare I say it…”homophobic.”  I really think they need to quit taking their medications, and instead medicate themselves with a beer.|

They tend to get a bit haughty when I speak honestly. They feel I am some sort of Redneck. They tilt their noses skywards, and say, “While you drink 43 gallons a year, we only drink 26. Obviously you are ossified, whilst we are rational.” That’s how they get, down there in the Flatlands, with all their concern about statistics, facts and figures, and other bureaucratic number-mumbo-jumbo.  However the Truth is surprisingly different from their peculiar view of reality.

For example, facts and figures show that no one in Massachusetts buys fireworks, for they are illegal.  In New Hampshire fireworks are legal, so facts and figures show we spend an amazing amount, per capita, on stuff that goes up in smoke.  Therefore a Massachusetts snob could state we are foolish to spend on what goes up in smoke, and they are far wiser.

The only problem with these facts and figures is that, when you look in the parking lots of our fireworks stores, not all that many of the cars have license plates that say, “Live Free Or Die,” on them. (They don’t say, “Live Taxed and Regulated,” but they do say, “Massachusetts.”)

Furthermore, if you climb a high hill and look south into Massachusetts, as night falls on the evening of Independence Day, it looks like the entire state of Massachusetts is breaking the law. If fireworks are against the law in Massachusetts, they are a nation of hypocrites, writing laws with their tongues firmly planted in their cheeks.  (And it must now be stated that the Attorney General of Massachusetts, (supposedly the one upholding The Law,) is on record for stating a most amazing hypocrisy, (concerning illegal aliens,) “It is not illegal to be illegal in Massachusetts.”)

They are a mysterious bunch, those Flatlanders.

However, to get back to my point, the facts and figures concerning fireworks do not include the fact thousands of people flee Massachusetts’ oppression to enjoy our freedom, and buy fireworks here in New Hampshire. In the same way, the facts and figures concerning the consumption of beer do not include the fact many in Massachusetts do some calculating, and even with the price of gas high, figure out it is worth their while to drive up here to buy beer, escaping the oppression of Massachusetts taxes.

Because I live on the border, and actually see, when I go to buy hooch, no parking places, due to cars from Massachusetts, and because I only want a six-pack but the people from Massachusetts are buying sixteen cases, I can even go so far as to suggest the people of New Hampshire do not drink as much as facts and figures show, whist the people of Massachusetts are all as drunken as lords.  (It might explain their politics.)

What does this have to do with Global Warming?

It has to do with the fact it is silly to play games with statistics, comparing two abutting states and ignoring the fact people cross state lines.

Last spring, if you look at the temperature anomalies of the entire planet, you notice the entirety of the planet was cooling.  Only in one spot was it warm:  North America.  However the media seized upon the microcosm of North America to blare political propaganda about Global Warming, ignoring the macrocosm of the cooling entirety.

This year the entirety is actually warmer, but the microcosm of North America has been colder than a witch’s bodily part, especially in Minnesota, which was near the center of last year’s warmth. However the response of the media has been deathly silence.

The media really needs to wise up. It is not merely the people of Minnesota who notice when a nice, warm spring is used to beat a drum of Global Warming doom and gloom, while the following spring, which is much more like doom and gloom to the people who actually endure it, inexplicably escapes notice.

What the media really needs to do is crack a beer.  They need to stop being so politically correct, and so observant of political agendas, and instead to enjoy the lack of discretion that a beer makes possible.

This brings me, at long last, to how beer affects the Global Climate.

As some of you know, CO2 is not a major component of the Earth’s atmosphere. In fact, it is such a small part of the air we breathe that it is a bit amazing that plants, which depend on CO2 the same way we depend on Oxygen, do not suffocate.  However we are asked to believe that this tiny, tiny part of our atmosphere can have humongous effects. Well, if it has such a humongous effect, despite being tiny, it is a bit like a tiny pebble that can start a huge avalanche, is it not?  And, if such a tiny thing can have such a huge effect, so can another tiny thing, like the head on your beer.

After all, the head of your beer is mostly CO2.  If a little pebble can start an avalanche, then whether you have one beer or ten could make a difference in the wheat crops.  (It will definitely make a difference in your relationships with your boss, and also your wife, (occasionally one and the same,) but that is another matter.) If warming is a bad thing, then you should drink less beer and release less CO2.  However the opposite might be true.  We might be, (according to certain Russian scientists,) on the verge of another Little Ice Age, or even the next Real Ice Age.  If that were the case, the fact you only had one beer, rather than ten, might be the pebble that tipped the tipping point, starting the avalanche of events into the next ice age. (You might think you don’t matter, but Chaos Theory states even a butterfly flapping its wings can matter.)

(I’ll know if you caught my drift, if I see you looking at the froth of your next beer in a rather owlish and overly serious manner.) Of course the people of Taxachusetts will not believe that this “tipping point” exists, unless I produce facts and figures. I can do so.  The last winter was colder, and beer consumption in the northern hemisphere was way down. It is scientific proof:  Less beer causes colder winters.

I will furthermore supply links.

Beer consumption is down in the USA:  http://cnsnews.com/blog/gregory-gwyn-williams-jr/americans-consume-63-billion-gallons-beer-annually

In the United Kingdom, consumption of beer in pubs has fallen by an alarming 50 million, (I repeat, 50 MILLION,) pints. http://www.thedrinksbusiness.com/2013/04/pub-beer-sales-fall-by-50-million-pints/

But we can depend on the Germans to drink beer, can’t we? Alas, apparently not. German beer sales have hit a twenty-year-low. http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-04-30/german-beer-sales-decline-to-lowest-in-20-years-on-cold-weather.html

However the link to Germany provides a crucial factor.  The reason Germans drank less beer was (supposedly) because the weather was colder.

Do you see how ominous this trend is!!!?  If people drink less beer, the beer’s froth will produce less CO2, and less CO2 will make the weather colder, which will cause people to drink even less beer.  It is a vicious cycle which, like a mere pebble starting the mighty avalanche, could freeze our socks off, with the onset of glaciers and an ice age which will plow Boston and Taxachusetts right off the face of the map.

The only way for you to prevent this horrible destiny is for you to drink more beer.  Please do it.  I know you hate beer, especially when the weather is cold, but I’m asking on bended knee. Your grandchildren are depending on you.