265 thoughts on “Science, Engineering, and other related jokes

  1. Hi, Anth-ony! Thanks for the fun jokes!

    Here’s what #1 is (I think)

    Sodium = “Na”

    So…..

    Theme from Batman:
    “Na, na, na, na,
    na, na, na,na,
    na, na, na, na,
    na, na, na, na — BATMAN!”

    #(:))

    Just my speed, heh. lolololo

  2. Hmmmm….
    The original batman song went something like this:
    Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na N a… BATMAN!!!!!!!!

  3. An engineer and a mathematician are competing for a beautiful woman. The engineer and the mathematician are told, “You can go to her, but you must travel this way; go half the distance, and then stop; then go half the remaining distance and stop; go half the remaining distance, and then stop, and so on.”

    The mathematician never starts, because he knows he can never reach her. But the engineer takes off running, because he knows that he can get close enough for practical purposes.

  4. What do you get if you cross an elephant with the Alps?

    A flat elephant and the ghost of Hannibal shows up and tells you that you did it backwards.

  5. Two atoms where talking when one cried out,”I lost an electron!”
    Are you sure?
    Yes, I’m positive!!!

  6. One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to be “It.” As Einstein counted, eyes closed, to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the floor around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said “I found you Newton,” but Newton replied, “No, sorry, you’ve found Pascal!”.

  7. did you hear about the climate computer that works in base 1 and has a terabyte of write only memory?
    there are 10 kinds of people in the world- those who know binary and those who don’t.

  8. One of my favorite science jokes happened on Johnny Carson in the early ’80s. I wish I could find it on YouTube or even in text, but no luck. It went something like this:

    JC: (to Ed McMahon) You remember last week when we talked about whether a tree that falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it… does it make a sound?
    Ed: I do. And I said it did make a sound.
    JC; Yes, you did. Well…. You were wrong!
    Ed: Really? Says who?
    JC: I have a letter here from Dr. X, a professor of physics at Cal Tech. He writes:

    “I wanted to let you know that it is accepted physics that when a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, that it does NOT make a sound.

    More importantly, the tree does not actually need to fall before this question must be faced. According to the theory of Quantum Mechanics, it is believed that the tree does not actually EXIST until someone SEES IT!”
    (slaps the letter onto to the desk). There you have it — from an expert!

  9. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JDSEANJD!

    Yes, #10 was good. I’d change the “banker” to a “windmill promoter,” though.

    Jokes and…..

    a song!

    “Happy Birthday to You” by Sonny Vande Putte

    Hope your special day is lovely. Hope you are feeling strong and full of hope and that this is one of your “good days.” I pray for you.

    Your WUWT ally,

    Janice

  10. One physicist tells his colleague, “We’ve determined the core temperature of the star gamma Draconis is 50 million degrees.” The other physicist replied, “Oh, really? Is that Kelvin or Celsius?”

  11. Did you hear about the climate scientist that tried to model the climate using a binary model:

    is CO2 a GHG : 1
    do humans burn fossil fuels : 1
    is it getting warmer : 1

    1 AND 1 AND 1 = 1

    Therefore temperatures are rising and we are the cause. If we all stop breathering temperatures will go back down again. We must act now.

  12. megawati says:
    June 1, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    Reminds me of this old joke on the shortcomings of mathematics:

    Problem: If a girl of 16 can go in the forest and pick 4 pounds of berries in 5 hours and a boy of 17 can pick 5 pounds in 6 hours, how many are they going to pick if they work together for 7 hours?

    Answer: probably not very many.

  13. John Garrett says: December 31, 2011 at 7:18 pm
    Missing: 7,000 quintillion joules of heat energy
    If located, call Kevin Trenberth.
    Reward offered.

    Lance says: October 20, 2011 at 3:40 am
    As I step away from my computer I accelerate to 3 m/h in 1 second. Extrapolating from these “actual measurements” I will break the sound barrier in a little over 4 minutes.
    I better button my pajamas.

    Steve from rockwood says: November 7, 2011 at 7:20 pm
    Symptom: faster fish.
    Cause: too much research money.

  14. TinyCO2 says: November 4, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    Q. How do you tell the difference between a Climate Bot and an AGW believer?

    A. The Bot won’t think a picture of a polar bear constitutes an argument (unless it’s really badly written).

    B. The Bot doesn’t suffer from a persecution complex and won’t accuse you of being in the pay of Big Oil because it has run out of arguments.

    C. The Bot doesn’t have to be embarrassed about its huge carbon footprint.

    D. The Bot won’t turn up at your front door.

    E. You’ve got the better chance of getting the Bot to see reason.

    DN says: November 4, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    Jeez, it’s not like you have to run a Turing test on this thing. The fact that it’s not responding in all capitals with misspelled ad hominem attacks should be a hint that you’re not arguing with a warmist.

  15. There are 3 kinds of people; those who can count and those who can’t.

    They say that memory is the second thing to go; I forget what the first one is.

  16. Hoser says:
    July 8, 2014 at 11:01 pm

    One physicist tells his colleague, “We’ve determined the core temperature of the star gamma Draconis is 50 million degrees.” The other physicist replied, “Oh, really? Is that Kelvin or Celsius?”

    =====

    A physicist would know that it’s not kelvin because there are no “degrees kelvin”. He would also know not to use capitals when spelling kelvin and celsius.

  17. > 20. Today, I saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
    > As he turned and sneered at me, I thought:
    > “that’s a little condescending”.

    I phoned 911 to report the prison escape in progress, but cellphone service was out due to a power failure, and he escaped. It turn’s out that he’s a psychic who knows about events ahead of time, and had timed his escape accordingly. This evening, the TV news reported the story as “Small Medium at Large”.

  18. A bunch of Hydronium ions in a weakly dissociated solution pour into the bar (after all, it IS a WET bar).

    Flowing up to the bar, one of the positively-charged triple Hydrogen groupings says to the bartender, “Among us three, we seem to be missing a suborbital electron.”

    Bartender asks, “Are you sure?”

    They answer back, “No, we’re uncertain.”

  19. My dad told me the “no double positives that make a negative” story about 20 years ago and said he had heard it as a real incident, but the counter example wasn’t “yeah right,” it was a dismissive “yeah yeah.”

  20. Two small circles are connected by 7 parallel line segments. The circles represent atoms, not necessarily oxygen. Each line segment represents a shared pair of electrons. The whole picture represents an unusual kind of chemical bond.
    Q: What do you call it?
    A: It’s a James Bond.

  21. Q.Why do engineers get confused between Halloween and Christmas Day?
    A. Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC

  22. “Janice Moore says:
    July 8, 2014 at 9:52 pm

    I don’t get:

    #9 and #18 (the cat in trunk part).

    Anyone? Anyone?”

    Rummage through a few back episodes of Big Bang Theory – “the cat’s alive, let’s go to dinner”.

  23. The “yeah, yeah” story is also told in a very witty and charming novel by David Carkeet, himself a linguist. He wrote a trilogy about a main character who is also a linguist. The first book of the trilogy was a detective story titled “Double Negative,” which may be (but I wouldn’t swear to it) the book where the story appears.

  24. Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
    A: Unique up on it.

    Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
    A: Tame way, unique up on it.

  25. A chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer are driving along in their car when it breaks down. “Let’s check the fuel” says the chemical engineer. “Let’s check the ignition circuit” says the electrical engineer. But the computer engineer says:”Let’s get out and get back in again.”

  26. Greg says:
    July 8, 2014 at 11:02 pm

    Did you hear about the climate scientist that tried to model the climate using a binary model:

    is CO2 a GHG : 1
    do humans burn fossil fuels : 1
    is it getting warmer : 1

    1 AND 1 AND 1 = 1

    Therefore temperatures are rising and we are the cause. If we all stop breathering temperatures will go back down again. We must act now.

    1 AND 1 AND 1 = 11 it’s worse than we thought!

  27. Museum Guide: This dinosaur skeleton has been dated by scientists, and they found that it was 85 million and 6 years old!

    Boy: 85 million and 6? How can they date anything that accurately?

    Guide: I’ve no idea – I just know that when I started here is was 85 million years old, and that was siz years ago.

  28. let me wipe those smiles from your faces!

    8 July: Breitbart: M.E. Synon: Revealed: EU Hands Out Multi-Millions to the BBC and Green Lobby
    Figures are just out disclosing the millions of taxpayers’ money the European Union paid in 2013 to unelected, unaccountable non-governmental organisations (NGOs) and other special interest groups, especially to the “global warming” lobby.
    One of the most disturbing figures is the amount the EU paid the BBC — €6,100,987 (£4,854,039) a sum in addition to the €24.4m (£19.4) in grants the EU paid the BBC between 2007-2012.
    Grants to the green anti-industrial lobby included multi-millions to Friends of the Earth €4,188,230 (£3,332,220), WWF €5,344,641 (£4,252,279) and the RSPB €3,802,544 (£3,024,327).
    More, the European Commission has taken taxpayers’ money from across the EU member states to subsidise United Nations institutions to the tune of nearly €140 million (£111m), despite UN staff indulging ““in corruption, waste and abuse that carries no real penalty,” according to Claudia Rosett, UN expert at the Foundation for Defense of Democracies, a Washington public policy institute…
    The multi-millions in hand-outs have come to light because of the sharp-eyed research of EU historian and blogger Dr Richard North, who says “the database is a goldmine of information…once again it brings to light the huge amount of taxpayer funding going to unaccountable NGOs, and especially (but not exclusively) climate change advocacy groups.”
    He calls particular attention to a new entrant on the listing, an organisation which has not received money from the European Commission before, the World Resources Institute (WRI), which has been given €1,500,000 (£1,192,527) for “designing the 2015 global climate change agreement.”…
    Dr North’s research follows the WRI, an American organisation, through its establishment in Delaware, the state most favoured by corporations for its light taxes, to its lobbying in Washington, and through its vast international funding from government institutions across Europe, including $2,041,246 (£1,192,291) from Britain’s aid ministry, the Department for International Development.
    His research goes on through a list of the WRI’s top 43 donors, including governments, corporates, charities and NGOS. Altogether these contribute $43,688,366 (£2,738,474), amounting to 85 per cent of the WRI’s 2013 revenue – yet the WRI is a private US charity…

    http://www.breitbart.com/Breitbart-London/2014/07/08/EU-hands-out-multi-millions-to-the-BBC-global-warming-propagandists-and-the-UN

  29. There are 3 kinds of people in this world — those who can count and those who can’t.

  30. Q: What did the one neutron say to the other neutron?

    A: You couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn if you tried.

  31. A man walks into The Entropy Bar.
    The waiter walks up and asks “May I take your order?”

  32. good joke in the final para***

    9 July: UK Telegraph: Raziye Akkoc: Lord Lawson: BBC has banned me because of my climate change scepticism
    Former chancellor accuses ‘Stalinist’ BBC of silencing debate about climate change after it bowed to complaints over his commments on Radio 4’s Today programme
    Lord Lawson added: “However useful computer models may be, the one thing they cannot be is evidence. Computer climate models are simply conjectures.
    “The fact is that, on this issue, the BBC has its own party line (indistinguishable form that of the Green Party) which it imposes with quasi-Stalinist thoroughness.”
    However, Lord Lawson claimed “at no time has either the head of the Editorial Complaints Unit or anyone else from the BBC sought to get in touch with me about this”…
    ***Although Lord Lawson said he did not support the ban on non-scientists discussing climate change issues, he argued it should be “even-handed”.
    “They should also ban non-scientists such as Energy Secretary Ed Davey, Ed Miliband, Lord Deben (chairman of the Government’s Climate Advisory Committee), Lord Stern (former adviser to the Government on the Economics of Climate Change and Development) and all the others who are regularly invited to appear,” he wrote.

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/environment/climatechange/10955605/Lord-Lawson-BBC-has-banned-me-because-of-my-climate-change-scepticism.html

  33. What were the headlines after a midget fortuneteller escaped from jail?

    Small medium at large.

  34. An engineer, a systems analyst and a salesman are driving along when they get a blow out. The engineer says he’ll get the jack and change the wheel; the analyst suggests they change each one in turn until they find the flat; but the salesman gets the car manual out. What are you doing say they engineer and the analyst? I’m checking the sales docs as I think this must be a feature.

    BTW: Child’s joke: How does Batman get called to the table by his mum: “Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman!”

  35. Five Swiss in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

    A customs agent stops them and says, “I’m sorry, but it’s illegal to put five people in a Quattro.
    One of you will have to get out.”

    “What do you mean, illegal?” asks the driver.

    “Quattro means four,” replies the Italian official. “Not five.”

    “But Quattro is the name of the car,” the stunned driver replies, “not its seating capacity.
    Have a look at the papers. It IS designed to carry five persons.”

    “You can’t pull that one on me,” replies the customs agent. “Quattro means four. You have five in your car, and you are therefore breaking the law. Either one person gets out or I’ll have to arrest you.”

    The driver begins losing his temper. “You idiot! Call your supervisor;
    we want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”

    “I’m sorry,” responds the Italian, “he can’t come. He’s busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.”

  36. An amoeba named Joe and his brother
    Were drinking a toast to each other.
    In the midst of their quaffing
    They split themselves laughing,
    And now each of them is a mother.

    –William Cadiz Schmidt, 1958

  37. You guys kill me!!!! You really do. What great talent! Never get anything like this from the Greenalists, to busy talking doom & gloom all over the place!!!!

  38. A young engineering dude is hiking in the forest, stops to take a rest and hears a little voice, “I’m really a young beautiful medieval princess trapped for hundreds of years by an evil spell. If you kiss me the spell will be released.” The engineer looks around and only sees a toad so he picks it up and it says, “Finally! Someone noticed me! Thank you so so very much! Now all you have to do is kiss me to release the spell and I’ll return to being a princess and I promise that you won’t be disappointed if you know what I mean.” The toad winks at him.

    The engineer puts the toad in his shirt pocket. The toad shouts out from the pocket, “Didn’t you understand? Please just kiss me, I’ll be indebted to you forever!” The engineer replies, “Yes yes, I totally understood you and considered your offer but .. having a toad that talks and winks is really cool.”

  39. The barman says: “I’m sorry, we don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.”
    A tachyon enters a bar.

  40. Three logicians walk into a bar:
    The bartender asks, “would all three of you like some beer?”
    The first one replies,”I don’t know”
    The second one replies, “I don’t know either”
    The third replies, “Yes all three of us would like a beer”

  41. The midget spy from Prague was being chased down the street by the K.G.B. He went into a bank and asked “Can you cache a small Czech?”

  42. Number 1 is clear enough – but it should be 24 Sodium atoms.
    All together now –

    Na Na Na Na,
    Na Na Na Na.
    Na Na Na Na,
    Na Na Na Na.
    Na Na Na Na,
    Na Na Na Na.
    BATMAN !

  43. Question: What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for?
    Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

  44. My guess on 1):

    Data. Data, Data. Data, Data. Data, Data. Data, Data. Data, Data. Data, Data. Data, Data. Data, BATMAN

    Theme from TV show. But why a sodium atom would equate to “Data” eludes

    Some of these were great! Thanks!

    Bill

  45. Janice #9
    Helps to know that what the cop actually said was “do you know you have a dead cat in this trunk?”

  46. A physicist would know that it’s not kelvin because there are no “degrees kelvin”. He would also know not to use capitals when spelling kelvin and celsius.

    Do you have empirical evidence for this? Because I think that I can easily falsify this statement…;-)

    There are the rules. Then there are the rules that people (including physicists) actually know. Then there are the rules that people (including physicists) both know and care about or bother to follow, especially when trying to describe the equivalence of degree size in Celsius and Kelvin scales to undergraduates. Then there are the picky aspects of the rules — when speaking of Kelvin (the man) we must use a capital, but the unit itself should be written kelvin, except when abbreviating it when it is common/correct to write K without the ^\circ K degree sign, mostly because if one wrote lower case k it would be easy to confuse with kilo or Boltzmann’s constant or the electric constant or… gosh, physics overloads so very many symbols so very many times:-)

    To put it another way, most physicists have probably not read this:

    http://physics.nist.gov/Pubs/SP811/sec09.html

    and the only time they really worry about it is when a journal editor gets on their case for not following the convention in a submitted paper.

    So what you mean is that physicists “should” know and follow the conventions, and no doubt some do, some of the time:-)

    rgb

  47. I have a friend who’s a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac. He lays awake at night wondering if there is a Dog…

  48. There are two types of people – those that divide people into two types and those that don’t.

  49. Physicists are known to be good at problem solving, even out of their primary domain. Researchers at a state agricultural college are having difficulty getting their herd of cows to produce more milk, so they call in a world-famous theoretical physicist to see if he can help out. They take him on a tour of the farm, and the physicist carefully measures the length and width and height of several cows, examines their feed, samples a glass of their milk, muttering “Hmmm, hmmm, ah yes, I see…” all of the while. He then disappears for three weeks, presumably applying his Great Brain to their problem.

    One day, without warning, he returns, smiling, and calls all of the agricultural researchers into their auditorium. They dim the lights and he puts up the first slide of his (approximate) solution while intoning “We will begin by assuming a spherical cow, located in a vacuum far from all other cows…”:

    http://www.redbubble.com/people/ajwelsh/works/7005746-spherical-cow?p=sticker

  50. A programmer’s wife says to him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

    The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

  51. Greg says:
    July 8, 2014 at 11:48 pm
    Hoser says:
    July 8, 2014 at 11:01 pm

    One physicist tells his colleague, “We’ve determined the core temperature of the star gamma Draconis is 50 million degrees.” The other physicist replied, “Oh, really? Is that Kelvin or Celsius?”

    =====

    A physicist would know that it’s not kelvin because there are no “degrees kelvin”. He would also know not to use capitals when spelling kelvin and celsius.

    A real physicist would know that since the data is given to 1 sig fig it’s irrelevant whether it’s in Kelvin or Celsius, he or she would also know that Kelvin and Celsius should both be capitalized as per the SI system.

    http://physics.nist.gov/Pubs/SP811/sec06.html

  52. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are all on their way to a science conference being held in a remote castle in Scotland and find themselves sharing a compartment on the only train that leads to the region. As the train winds its way through the lonely hills, they observe that the hillsides are often occupied with sheep, as wool is a staple of the local economy. Suddenly, the engineer sees that mixed in with all of the white fluffy sheep, high up on the mountainside, there is a single black sheep.

    “Look,” says the engineer. “They have black sheep in Scotland!”

    “Well,” says the physicist, looking out the window, with a slight sneer in his voice, “you mean — to be more precise — that they have at least one black sheep in Scotland.”

    The mathematician (who was spending most of his time sitting and mumbling to himself about Banach-Tarski sets while eyeing the single dollar bill that he’d brought for his expenses with a pair of scissors in his hand and roll of tape in his pocket) glanced up for a moment. Then his eyes dropped back to the bill, and as he prepared to make the first cut he replied, “Actually, there is at least one sheep in Scotland that is black on at least one side…”

  53. A farmer recently passed away. He willed his 17 cattle to his 3 sons. The oldest son was to receive half of the cattle, the middle son was to recieve a third of the cattle and the youngest son to recieve one-ninth of the cattle. Half of 17 is 8.5 (!). The bothers argued and argued about how to divide the cattle. Finally, an uncle arrived with a cow. The eldest son got 9, the middle son 6, and the youngest got 2. Then the uncle took his cow back.

  54. A priest, an MD and an engineer are playing golf with an official from the club. The first three are getting more and more annoyed with the foursome ahead of them, who take an inordinate amount of time at each hole. The club official asks them to be patient, explaining that two of the group ahead are ex-firemen who were blinded fighting a fire at the club. In gratitude, the club takes them out for a free round whenever they want to go, and of course, they play slower than normal. The priest says, “I feel terrible about complaining. Those men are heroes. I’ll make sure to say a mass for them.” The MD says, “I’ve been doing some research lately into eye injuries, and I’m going to bring them to my office and see if I can help them.” The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”

  55. Two engineers were riding bikes through the park during lunch break when one said, ”Great new bike, where did you get it?”

    The second engineer replied, “Well, I was sitting, eating my lunch on that park bench over there, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She tossed the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

    
The second engineer, impressed, said, “Good choice; the clothes would never have fit.”

    As an engineer, I know this to be a true story . . . somewhere. . . at some time!

    Dan

  56. I tried some of these on my pet physicist. He started explaining what plagiarism was and got accused of having Asperger’s. Then he said, “Union-ized” and got ridiculed. It’s not easy living with Muggles.

  57. Polish Joke:

    A Pole is lost in the desert about to die of thirst. He finds a lamp and in desperation rubs it. To his surprise a Genie appears and offers him three wishes.

    He thinks for a while and says ” I would like a Chinese Horde to ravage Poland please?”. The Genie is stunned but obeys. He asks to be given a second wish hinting at water, money and travel.

    The Pole thinks even longer and says “Actually I would like another Chinese Horde to ravage Poland please?” The Genie is incredulous and protests but ultimately obeys.

    “So this is your final wish” says the Genie “Think of your predicament!” After an age lost in thought the Pole says: “Really, I would like another Chinese Horde to ravage Poland, please”

    The Genie loses his rag and and asks why the Pole wants all these Chinese horsemen to ravage his native country. “Simple” says the Pole. “For three Chinese Hordes to get to Poland and back they would have to cross Russia six times!”.

  58. Pavlov is enjoying a drink after work. The phone rings. He jumps up shouting, “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

  59. These are from a contest in Scientific American some time in the 80’s.

    Universal Law of Dust: light dust only falls on dark objects and dark dust only falls on light objects

    Johnson’s Law: everything takes twice as long as you expect, even when applying Johnson’s Law

    On another front, 3 strings walk into a bar and are immediately thrown out as the bar bans strings. One string ties itself up, fluffs up an end then goes back in and sits at the bar. The bartender eyes it suspiciously and says “Are you a string?” To which the string answered “No, I’m frayed knot.”

  60. An engineer and a mathematician had been asked to participate in a psychological study.

    Each was asked to walk into a room in which there was a box of matches, a stack of kindling in a basket, a wood stove, a bucket of watter and a kettle.

    Their task was to boil the water.

    The engineer puts some kindling in the stove, lights it with a match, pours water from the bucket into the kettle, and places the kettle on the stove. Within a few minutes, the water in the kettle is boiling.

    Alone in his own, identically equipped, room, the mathematician follows the precise same sequence.

    In Part 2 of the study, the same engineer and mathematician were asked to complete the same task.

    This time, however, when they entered their rooms, the water was in the kettle on top of the stove and the kindling was in the stove in a neat arrangement that would ensure a good fire.

    The engineer struck a match and ignited the kindling.

    The mathematician removed the kindling from the stove and put it in the basket, and poured the water from the kettle back into the bucket.

    “There” he says, “I’ve reduced it to the previous case.”

  61. Andrew N says:
    July 8, 2014 at 10:32 pm

    Americans, Burmese and Liberians don’t get that joke.

  62. An infectious disease walks into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve infectious diseases here.” And the infectious disease says, “Well you’re not a very good host.”

    Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.” And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

  63. I thought it was:
    An Eskimo walks into a bar.
    “A whisky for me, and a Canadian Club for my seal”

  64. A inquisitive young boy goes to his father and asks “Dad, what is the difference between ignorance and apathy?”. The father looks up from his work and says with exasperation “Son, I don’t know and I don’t care.”

  65. Rene Descarte strolls into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a couple of gulps and puts the empty glass down. The barkeep asks if he’d like an other. Rene ponders for a moment and then replies “I think not.”
    POOF!

  66. There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who do not.

  67. The engineer asks, “How does it work?”
    The scientist asks, “Why does it work?”
    The English major asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

  68. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage.

    The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

  69. let x = 0.9999 recurring

    * both side by 10
    10x = 9.9999r

    subtract x from both sides
    9x = 9

    divide both sides by 9
    x = 1

    but wait.. that means 1 = .9999r

  70. A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, “Did you go to Harvard?” The bartender says, “Yale.” The North Carolinan says, “DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?”

  71. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

  72. A termite crawls into a pub and up on one of the barstools. He looks up at the guy serving beer and says, “Hey, is the bar tender here?”

  73. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

  74. Be careful about any words you use in jest…

    You may have to eat them (I think it works better if you recite it –
    ASS-U-ME-ing it works at all)

  75. A girl goes up to her Astronomy professor and asks,
    “I understand how Astronomers can measure distances to stars, their luminosity, and their temperatures, but how do they know their NAMES?”

  76. 15, the “Yeah, right” response, reminds me of the Churchillian anecdote (truth better than fiction, right?), in which one of the Prime Minister’s advisers was waxing pedantically about spelling peculiarities in the English language.

    “Did you know, sir, that there are only two words in the English language which begin with the letter ‘s’, yet make the sound of the digraph ‘sh’?” Delighted that he had engaged the attention of the highly-literate Churchill, who was a well-known student of the language, he spoke the two words, carefully enuciating the “sh” sound:

    “They are, he said, ‘Sugar’. And ‘sumac’.”

    Churchill’s response was instantaneous. “Sure.”

  77. An engineer falls down a dry well. He jumps and he jumps and he finally sits down gasping for breath. From the dark opposite corner of the well a voice says “You’ll never get out of here!” But he did.

  78. Here’s a Hint on #1:
    8 Sodium atoms walk into a bar and say “Hey, Hey, Hey, Goodbye!”

  79. Alastair Brickell says:
    July 9, 2014 at 3:20 am

    You can’t trust atoms…they make up everything.
    – – – – –
    Politicians are atoms! Who knew?

  80. A. Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC
    Paul Coppin says:

    July 9, 2014 at 12:26 am
    “Janice Moore says:
    July 8, 2014 at 9:52 pm

    I don’t get:

    #9 and #18 (the cat in trunk part).

    Anyone? Anyone?”

    <<<<<<<<<<

    Shrodinger postulated a thought experiment based on Heisenburg's uncertaintanty principal involving whether a cat was alive or not. Google for a full run down.

  81. Greg says:
    July 8, 2014 at 11:48 pm
    Hoser says:
    July 8, 2014 at 11:01 pm

    One physicist tells his colleague, “We’ve determined the core temperature of the star gamma Draconis is 50 million degrees.” The other physicist replied, “Oh, really? Is that Kelvin or Celsius?”

    =====

    A physicist would know that it’s not kelvin because there are no “degrees kelvin”. He would also know not to use capitals when spelling kelvin and celsius.

    Why are you assuming a third physicist is telling the story?

  82. My favorite is #3; it’s a nice turnaround of the typical blonde joke.

  83. @Caleb

    “I prefer cruder humor:”

    In that case:

    How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Two, but don’t ask me how they got in the light bulb.

  84. Sidney Morganbesser was, as far as I am aware, the originator of the “Yeah, yeah.” joke. (#15)

    “In the early 1950′s, the esteemed Oxford philosopher J. L. Austin came to Columbia to present a paper about the structural analysis of language. He pointed out that, in English, although a double negative implies a positive meaning (i.e. ‘I’m not unlike my father…’), there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative. ‘Yeah, yeah,’ scoffed Morgenbesser from the back of the auditorium.”

    http://jrbenjamin.com/2013/10/10/sidney-morgenbessers-sense-of-humor/

  85. Texas woman goes into fabric store and tells clerk, “I need 10 yards of muslin to make a nightgown. ”
    Clerk says, “Honey, first of all you don’t want muslin, and you sure don’t need 10 yards. ”
    Woman says, “You don’t understand. My husband is a geologist, and he has more fun looking for things than doing anything once he’s found it!”

  86. What do you get when you cross and elephant with a giraffe?
    ||Elephant|| ||giraffe|| sine theta.

    What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
    Nothing. A mountain climber is a scaler.

  87. A physicist approaches a gambler and says “I have developed a complex model of horse races that allows me to pick the winner of every race. If you cut me in on your winnings, I’ll give you the names of the winners in advance of each race.” The gambler decides to give it a try. Sure enough, the physicist picks seven winners in a row. The gambler bets all of his winnings on the eighth race, but the horse picked by the physicist loses by 24 lengths. “What happened?” cries the gambler. “I thought your method was foolproof. You have to tell me what your model is!” “Well,” the physicist said, “You start off by assuming a spherical horse.”

  88. Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. That’s a hardware issue.

  89. A businessman from Milan arrives in Rome in dread about the usual ordeal and time he’ll waste with government bureaucrats getting permits for his company. He is elated when by mid-day the Environment Ministry officials take his money, approve his applications and promptly issue the authorizations. He prods the cabbie across town to his next governmental stop. He arrives at the Palazzo delle Finanze and finds the door locked with no sign of life inside.

    He sees a policeman standing in the shade and shouts in anger: “What? Don’t they work in the afternoon?”

    “No, Signore,” replies the policeman. “They don’t work in the morning. In the afternoon they don’t come.”

  90. Janice Moore says:
    July 8, 2014 at 9:52 pm

    I don’t get:

    #9 and #18 (the cat in trunk part).

    Anyone? Anyone?

    I didn’t get #9 myself, but as regards #18 are you sure you don’t get it, are you simply uncertain?
    ;-)

  91. I like the recursive nature of the name of the operating system GNU. GNU is an acronym for “GNU’s Not Unix”

  92. Colorado Wellington says:
    July 9, 2014 at 10:10 am

    Here in the States, civil servants are required to not work for eight hours per day. But they’ve really mastered that art:

    Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

    The first man was an engineer, the second man an accountant, the third man a chemist, and the fourth man was a government employee.

    To show off, the engineer called to his dog, “T-Square, do your stuff.” T-Square trotted over to a desk and, with a pen, promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle onto some paper.

    Everyone agreed that that was pretty good. The accountant, though, insisted his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.” Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide the cookies into four equal piles of three each.

    Everyone agreed that that too was pretty good. The chemist, though, proclaimed that his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard, and then poured exactly eight ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

    Everyone agreed that that was pretty good, as well. Then, they all turned to the government employee and said, “Hey, pal, what can your dog do?”

    The government employee stood up, called his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a sh*t on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he’d injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers’ Compensation, and then went home on sick leave.

  93. EternalOptimist: That is one way to prove that 0.999repeating = 1. The other way is more theoretical. The number system is dense, meaning that between any two distinct numbers there is an infinite number of other numbers between them. Since there is no number between 0.999r and 1, they must be the same number.

  94. For those who don’t know, the increased size of calves due intense breeding programs has resulted in many breeds of cows being unable to deliver their calves without manual human assistance. This involves the rancher reaching into the uterus, grabbing a pair of legs, and pulling for all they are worth.

    Two Boeing engineers are driving across the farmlands of eastern Washington when they spy a rancher out in a field near the road trying for all he is worth to pull something out of the cow. Intrigued and disturbed by the bellowing of the distressed cow, the aerospace engineers stop, roll up their sleeves, and add their strength to the effort.

    In a moment the trio of humans succeed and the calf emerges into the world and is soon standing and being licked clean by the mother.

    The rancher offers, “Gee, I sure am grateful to you guys. Can I pay you anything?”
    The engineers confer for a moment and then one asks, “Can you just tell us how fast that calf was going when it hit the cow?”

  95. A trend got stuck in an error bar.

    His direction weren’t very precise.

    He looked at the snake and asked, “Are you stuck here too?”

    The snake nodded, “I don’t have significant digits.”

  96. #2 reminds me of West Berlin. It was in fact surrounded by a fence (or rather, a wall) and was defined as being “outside”. It used to be, so to speak, a topological disaster in the middle of Europe.

  97. Gotta admit, the first one had me stumped…. but it was good laughs after that! And all of the other contributions here are excellent!

    Here’s a couple more:
    Dyslexics of the World – Untie!

    Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his mother-in-law in the woods?

    Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one… but the light bulb really has to want to change.

  98. From Raymond Smullyan:

    Two professors at a math conference stand in front of a blackboard, on which is written the sentence “Only an idiot would believe a sentence like this!” The first professor asks the second, “Do you believe that?” The second answers, “Of course not! Only an idiot would believe a sentence like this!”

  99. Here’s a misogynistic one.

    Q. How many pre-menstrual women does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. AS MANY AS IT TAKES! ALRIGHT!?

  100. Two geologists go on a hot air balloon ride. After a couple of hours they find they are lost (pre-GPS). Looking down they see a lot of activity going on at a well in an oil field.

    They lower themselves to a point where they can yell to the guys on the ground.
    “Hey, can you help us? Where are we?”

    A guy in a clean white shirt and pristine hard hat looks up and says, “You’re in a hot air balloon!”

    One of the geologists looks at the other, “Isn’t that just like an engineer, he tells you something absolutely true and absolutely useless at the same time.”

  101. A rabett, a two bit politician and climate scientist get stranded on an island. While walking one day they find a lamp and of course rub it. An excited genie comes out and thanks them for freeing him. The genie asks the climate scientist “make a wish and I will grant it”. The scientist says, “I wish to return to Pennsylvania to continue chopping and splicing different datasets together.” In a poof, he was gone. The genie directs his attention to the two bit politician and asks, “What is your wish?” The politician replies “I wish to return to northern California where I will divest government institutions from oil and coal investments (while keeping mine). Poof he was gone. The rabett says, “Some would say, not Eli to be sure, that being on an island alone would be lonely. Can Eli have his two friends back?

  102. Q: What did the topologist do for halloween?

    A: He stuck his head up his arse and went as a Klein bottle

  103. Speaking of Al Gore and irony, did anyone notice that in his movie, “An Inconvenient Truth,” he presented a coelacanth in his montage of extinct animals?
    I actually laughed out loud in the audience.

    Q: How many Marxists are needed to change a light bulb?
    A: None whatsoever. The light bulb contains within itself the seeds of its own revolution.

  104. Related to #6: How can you tell the difference between a scientist and a politician? Have them pronounce the word “nuclear”. Not really a joke, but it’s an effective test.

  105. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were each asked to evaluate the proposition “All odd numbers are prime.”

    The mathematician said, “Hmm. Let’s see. One is prime. Three is prime. And five is prime. Thus by induction, we can infer that the proposition is true. And we can predict that seven will be prime, and sure enough it is!”

    The physicist said, “Hmm. Let’s see. One is prime. Three is prime. Five is prime. Seven is prime. Nine doesn’t appear to be prime, but that could be due to experimental error. Eleven is prime. Thirteen is prime. Fif– …Oh, I think we have enough data! The proposition is true.”

    The engineer said, “Hmm. Let’s see. One is prime. Three is prime. Five is prime. Seven is prime. Nine is prime. Eleven is prime. Thirteen is prime. …”

  106. Thylacine says:
    July 9, 2014 at 10:41 am

    Extending that logic, you could prove 0 = 1.The nearest neighbor of 0.9999r to the left is also equal to 0.9999r, so it too is equal to 1. Repeat the process infinitely until you reach a = 0.0000…0001 with an infinite number of zeroes after the decimal point and a 1 at the end. Since we know a = 1, and there is no separation between 0 and 1, then 0 must equal 1.

  107. A scientist and an engineer are left across a room from a beautiful naked lady who is motioning for them to come on over. They are told they can cross the room but will be shot if they do it in more than 1/2 remaining distance increments.

    The engineer immediately starts going half way, and then half of the remaining distance etc etc.
    The scientist looks at him in disbelief and says “you’ll never get there fool”.
    The engineer shouts back “but I’ll get close enough”!

  108. I saw this headline in the Cincinnati Enquirer 15+ years ago.
    It was over a story about a tax levy that had failed.

    “Montgomery County Jail May Have To Close Its Doors”

  109. Three Texans were on a hunting trip. Sitting around a campfire at night,
    the talk turned to how good their respective dogs were.

    The first Texan bragged that when he sent his dog to the store for eggs,
    the dog wouldn’t accept the eggs unless they were absolutely fresh. The
    second Texan said that when he sent his dog to the store for cigars, the
    dog wouldn’t accept any cigars except his owner’s favorite brand. The third
    Texan sat silently at first. The other two pressed him, “Come on, George,
    what does your dog do?” George said, “Well, my dog doesn’t do any of
    that stuff. But I still think he’s smarter than your two dogs.” “Oh? Why?”
    “Well, he runs the store where your two dogs trade.”
    ———————————————————————————————————
    Three doctors are in Las Vegas for a convention. They decide to take a
    car ride out in the desert. After a while, they get a flat, and all get out
    to look at it.

    The first doctor feels the flat tire and says, “Seems like a flat to me.”

    The second doctor says, “Looks like a flat to me.”

    The third doctor says, “Oh, that’s a flat all right.”

    They all look at each other, nod in unison and say, “We’d better run
    a few tests.”

  110. You may have heard some of these before…

    There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten
    different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
    Unfortunately, no pun in ten did:

    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
    in the craft it sank — proving once and for all that you can’t have
    your kayak and heat it, too.

    Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
    became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
    never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
    lesser of two weevils.

    A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
    to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

    A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a
    beer?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s novocaine
    during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
    in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
    an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
    “But why?,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t
    stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

    A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
    hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and
    would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One
    afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was
    dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly,
    he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the
    bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink
    and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” “No, I’m sorry,”
    replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

    A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
    eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading
    a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
    pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of
    the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

    A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating
    recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a
    teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with
    me?” The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. Relax, you’re two tents.”

    A woman has twins, and gives
    them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is
    named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him
    “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon
    receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
    had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins–if
    you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

  111. A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

    An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!

    A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Please, no stories!”

  112. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

  113. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

    “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

    “Is it common?”

    “It’s Not Unusual.”

  114. I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

    An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed,is there any thing you can do for him?”

    “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”

    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

    “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”

    “No, because he’s really heavy.”

  115. Magic Thread. May I share one?

    Ingenuity – or why YOU should become a Scientist

    At the end of his second year, Niels had failed his exams in his physics degree. He wasn’t surprised – he’d partied well, and played a lot of sport, especially cricket.
    He knew that he now would have to retake them in September – but the end of the cricket season intervened, and a few parties, and a week with friends, on the beach.
    Nothing daunted, he returned to University in September, and took the papers.
    He failed.
    His professor took him aside, and said that there was one last chance – as Niels was actually rather bright, if none too hard-working at present!

    “Take this barometer, and find out, using the barometer, the height of the Blair Tower, at the centre of campus. By tomorrow, ten o’clock in the morning.”

    Niels went off, a little worried, a little elated that he had not been flung out of university there and then.
    The next morning, he comes back to see the professor, and says
    “I think I may be able to do this; there are actually several methods that could be employed: –
    1. Tie a long piece of string to the barometer. Hold one end of the string from the top of the building, so that the end of the barometer barely clears the ground. Give the barometer a small displacement and time its period as a compound pendulum. This will give the length of the pendulum, hence the height of the building.
    2. Smash the barometer on the roof of the building and time how long it takes for the mercury to drip down the wall of the building to the ground. Use the known viscosity of mercury to find the velocity.
    3. Find a small, very efficient, very light electric motor. Weigh the barometer. Use the motor to carry the barometer up the building. Using a voltmeter and ammeter, calculate the work done by the motor, and thus the gravitational potential difference between the top and bottom of the building. Knowing g, find the height.
    4. Drop the barometer off the top of the building and measure the time it takes to strike the ground. Use Newton’s laws of motion to solve s = ut + ½ at2 for s, which is the height of the building.
    5. Use the barometer to measure the atmospheric pressure at the bottom of the building, and then again at the top. The difference in these two pressures will allow a calculation of the height of the building.
    6. Using a device that can propel an object at a known velocity (such as a baseball pitching machine or a rail gun), find the velocity at which the barometer needs to be projected to just, only just, reach the roof from the ground.
    7. Find a barometer that uses a liquid with no surface tension whatsoever (superfluid helium?). Break the barometer and spread the known volume of liquid evenly over the surface of the building. Measure the depth of the resulting liquid film. Knowing the volume of the barometer, this gives the surface area of the building, which will give its height, if its width and depth are known; these may be found at ground level – the Blair Tower is very regular (guy) of course.
    8. Find the architect who designed the building, crack the (mercury) barometer over his coffee, watch him die when he drinks it, then steal the building’s specifications, including height.
    9. Stand on the roof of the building. Throw the barometer to a point exactly on the horizon. Measure the distance from the bottom of the building to the barometer. This gives the horizon distance at the top of the building, thus giving its height above the ground; it is necessary to allow for your own height of eye above the roof.
    10. Make a small hole in the barometer so mercury drips out at a constant rate. Place the barometer so that it is dripping off the roof onto the ground. Measure the time between a drop being released from the barometer and the drop hitting the ground. Repeat the measurement when moving towards the ground at a known velocity. The time between a drop being released and a drop hitting the ground will change. Using the Lorentz transformation equations and taking the top of the tower as x = 0, the position of the ground can be found. This will yield the height of the tower.
    11. Measure the volume of the barometer at the bottom and top of the building. By knowing the coefficient of thermal expansion of glass, the temperature difference between the top and bottom can be calculated. Refer this to known data of atmospheric temperature as a function of height – using a lapse rate of 5oF per thousand feet and 9oC per thousand metres.
    12. Every time somebody walks into or out of the building, stab them with the sharpened end of the barometer (after having sharpened it, of course). Word of the ‘Barometer Murderer’ will eventually reach the building’s owner, who will of course be forced to sell the building. The real estate advertisement should give the height of the building. But you may not see the advert, being in police custody, so this is a little uncertain as a method, and its ethical standing may be a little fluid . . . . .
    13. Measure the height of the barometer, then mark off successive ‘barometer heights’ up the outside wall of the building, climbing the fire escape as you go. You will also need chalk. At the top, count these up and multiply by the height of the barometer.
    14. Place a cat on top of the building. Prod it with the barometer so that it falls off the roof. See whether the cat dies when it hits the ground. Repeat n times, where n>>{a large number}. Refer to Dr Karl Kruszelnicki’s paper on the probability of a cat dying when falling from a certain height. This will set parameters on the likely height of the building; checking your work using a different method is an important feature of science.
    15. Find at what velocity you must move upwards or downwards past the building such that the building is contracted to the same length as the barometer. Find gamma for this velocity, multiply by the length of the barometer – albeit requiring detailed knowledge of Relativity, and also an acceleration that may leave you shortened to the thickness of the paper on which you pencil your calculations.
    16. Carefully measure the height of the barometer. Then, carefully measure the height of the shadows of the building and of the barometer, at the same time, on level ground. The building height is in proportion to the barometer height in the same way as the building’s shadow is to the barometer’s shadow. Long multiplication needs to be competent.
    17. Go to the top of the building; tie a piece of string to the top of the barometer, lower the barometer to the ground, then measure the length of the string; the height of the building is then equal the S + B, where S is the length of string, and B is the height of the barometer.
    18. Tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g).
    19. However, since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the door of Mr Brown, the dour Scottish caretaker, and say to him ‘If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the actual height of the Blair Tower’.

    Auto

  116. A software engineer, a hardware engineer, and a department manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside.

    The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

    “I know,” said the department manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.”

    “No, no,” said the hardware engineer. “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.”

    “Well,” said the software engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”

  117. Steve C is on a roll. Good stuff.

    #15 actually happened. It was a professor Sydney Morgenbesser.. You see the context here:

    https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Sidney_Morgenbesser

    There used to be a book of Murphy’s laws for Scientists or Engineers or some such. IIRC, most of them were pretty funny, but I only remember these few:

    Computer science aphorism: The generation of random numbers is far too important to be left to chance. .

    Any circuit protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.

    You can make something foolproof, but you can never make it damn fool proof.

    An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

    A failure will not appear until the unit has passed final inspection.

    Law of Selective Gravity: a dropped tool will land where it will cause the most damage.

    Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally towards maximum difficulty of assembly

    Law of Centrifugal Malfeasance: a screwdriver will always slip when in the proximity of painted surfaces.

  118. What is the difference between Mathematicians, Physicists, and Engineers?

    The Engineer uses formulas to describe reality.

    The Physicist uses reality to develop formulas.

    The Mathematician has never understood that the one has anything to do with the other….

    (sorry if my translation isn’t so good, the original is:
    Was unterscheided Mathematiker, Physiker und Ingenieure?
    Der Ingenieur benutzt Formeln um die Wirklichkeit darzustellen.
    Der Physiker benutzt die Wirklichkeit um die Formeln zu ermitteln.
    Der Mathematiker hat nie verstanden, dass das Eine mit dem Anderen was zu tun hat.)

  119. The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have eight years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

    The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

    Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick, had canines four inches long, and nobody could get near it.

    When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a fourteen foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

    When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth very, very wide, and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.

    There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog – not even its tail!

    The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for eight years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world, and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. And we trained it!” They didn’t mention the steroids!

    “That’s nothing,” an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for eight years to make a big ol’ Florida alligator look like a Dachshund.”

  120. I bet there are numerologists reading – here’s one for you.

    We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast -, but did you know that: –

    $665.99 = Recommended Retail Price of the Beast
    $699.25 = Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
    $879.95 = Price of the Beast, with all accessories
    $655.56 = Wal-Mart price of the Beast
    $654.96 = Tesco price of the Beast – and you get Clubcard points!
    $6666.66 = Harrods Price of a very Superior Beast
    $666 = hourly rate of the Beast’s lawyer
    £666 = hourly rate of the Beast’s London lawyer [plus VAT].
    $333 = ‘Half off’ sale on the Sign of the Beast
    6, uh. . . sorry, what was that number again? = Number of the Blonde Beast
    £666 666 = Income of the Beast
    1-900-666-0666 = Live Beasts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
    Route 666 = Highway of the Beast
    B666 = by-way of the Beast
    E-666 = European Route du Beast
    666 F = Oven temperature for succulent, well-roast Beast
    666 C = Oven temperature for well-charred Beast
    $66 = Small joint of Beast
    666k = Retirement plan of the Beast
    6.66 % = 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
    666MHz = CPU of the Beast
    666CSi = BMW of the Beast
    668 = Next-door neighbour of the Beast
    664 = Next-door neighbour of the Beast, also
    667, 665, 663 = close neighbours of the Beast
    UB-666 = unemployable Beast claim form
    666A, 666B and 666C = Tenants of the beast
    999 = Sign of the Australian Beast
    333 = Number of the adolescent Beast
    6-6-6 = Whyte notation wheel arrangement of the Beast’s Locomotive
    6-66 = bowling analysis of the [cricketing] Beast
    6-6-6-6 = wheel arrangement of the Big Beast’s Articulated Locomotive
    00666 = Zip code of the Beast
    HE66 6LL = Post Code of the Beast
    BA666 = Flight of the Beast
    666.000000 = Beast to 6 decimal places
    670 = Beast to 2 significant figures

    Auto

  121. “An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!”

    Oh, we’re doing ethnic humor now?

    Sean calls his best friend Paddy to his bedside at the hospital.

    “Paddy,” he says, “I’m not long for this world. So I’d like to ask a special favor of ye. In me bedroom, under the bed, there’s a box. Inside is a 100 year old bottle of the finest Irish Whiskey ever made. When I pass, and they put me in the ground, I ask ye, me very best mate, to open that bottle and pour it on me grave, that I might have a wee nip in the afterlife.”

    Paddy says,”Ah, Sean, me boy-oh, t’is a fine request and I shall pour the whiskey as ye ask. But might I strain it through me kidneys first?”

    Sven and Ole get together to do some heavy drinking. After three hours of complete silence, Sven lifts his glass and says,”skoal.” And Ole says,”did you come here to drink or to talk?”

  122. Understanding Engineers #1

    To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

    Understanding Engineers #2

    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!” The priest said, “Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello, George. What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

    Understanding Engineers #3

    What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

    Understanding Engineers #4

    The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

    Understanding Engineers #5

    Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been an environmental engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

    Understanding Engineers #6

    Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

    Understanding Engineers #7

    An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want!” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog — now that’s cool!”

  123. Langenbahn says:
    July 9, 2014 at 2:37 pm
    “Oh, we’re doing ethnic humor now?”

    Q: What’s Irish, stays outdoors, and doesn’t move around much?
    A: Paddy O’Furniture

    Q: What’s green, three miles long, and has an a$$hole every two feet?
    A: A St. Patty’s Day parade.

    (I’m part Irish and I approve this message)

  124. but wait.. that means 1 = .9999r

    3 x 1/3 = 1
    3 x 0.333r = 0.999r
    Since 1/3 = 0.333r, 0.999r = 1
    (Plus, as noted above, since there are no numbers between 0.999r and 1, they must be the same).

    Hoser says:
    Extending that logic, you could prove 0 = 1.The nearest neighbor of 0.9999r to the left is also equal to 0.9999r,

    Please say you are kidding! “The nearest neighbour” to a real number? What sort of nonsense is that?

  125. pat says:
    July 9, 2014 at 2:03 am “let me wipe those smiles from your faces!…Figures are just out disclosing the millions of taxpayers’ money the European Union paid in 2013 to unelected, unaccountable non-governmental organisations (NGOs) and other special interest groups, especially to the “global warming” lobby.”

    Who else would think of “Non-Governmental Organization,” other than the government?

    For the occasion —

    An engineer, a prostitute, and a politician were in a bar and they began to quarrel about which was really the “oldest profession.” One said hers was well known to be the oldest profession. The engineer said, “Obviously creating light out of chaos was an engineer’s work.”

    “Well who do you think created all of the chaos?” asked the politician.

  126. @bob alou,

    There is a computer version of your geologist joke involving a helicopter rather than a hot air balloon.

    A tour group was taking a helicopter ride around Seattle when a thick fog rolled in. The pilot was lost, because he couldn’t tell where the airport was. Pulling up next to a tall office building where there were a bunch of people in a conference room, he held up a sign that said “Where are we?”

    After some discussion the people in the conference room held up a sign that said “You are in a helicopter.”

    Seeing that response, the pilot flew straight to the airport and made a flawless landing. Amazed, one of the tourist asked “How did you know where we were from that answer?”

    “Easy,” responded the pilot, “I knew that it had to be the Microsoft building, because only a Microsoft support tech could give you an answer that is both completely true and completely useless.”

  127. A geologist, an engineer, and a geophysicist are interviewing for a job.

    They are all well qualified and the HR manager can’t decide among them so he devises a test. He calls them in one ant a time. He starts with the geologist and asks “How much is 2+2?” The geologist gives him a puzzled look and says “Four, of course.”

    Next comes the engineer. He gets asked the same question. He scratches his head for a bit, pulls out his calculator and a sheet of paper, punches some keys and scribbles furiously, and says “3.99999999999 plus or minus 0.00000000002.”

    The geophysicist comes in and gets asked what 2+2 is. He looks around furtively, goes to the door opens it and looks around and closes it, wedges a carpet against the door, unplugs the phone, closes the curtain, leans in towards the interviewer and whispers, “What do you want it to be?”

  128. Jeff says:
    July 9, 2014 at 2:48 am


    “I’m sorry,” responds the Italian, “he can’t come. He’s busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.”

    Two weeks later the border crossing was shut down by a convoy of ZEVs.

  129. During the height of the Cold War, the Americans and the Soviet Union agreed to have an automobile race between the best car from each country. The American car won, handily. This left the editor of Pravda with the dilemma of how to report this news without offending the powers that be. After much thought, the editor wrote the lede: “Results of automobile race: Car from glorious USSR comes in second, American car finishes next to last”

  130. ENRON EXPLAINED
    ===============

    In case you were wondering how Enron came into so much trouble, here is an explanation reputedly given by a Colorado Aggie professor to explain it in terms his students could understand.

    Capitalism:
    ===========

    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income.

    Enron Venture Capitalism:
    =========================

    You have two cows.

    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

    Now do you see why a company with $62 billion in assets is declaring bankruptcy?

  131. Colorado Wellington says:
    July 9, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    LOL! I always wondered what caused the traffic backup at the border (other than strikes :) )…

  132. @dbstealey at 2:55 pm
    Understanding Engineers #1

    To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

    To the engineer, the glass has a margin of safety.

  133. Oldies but goodies:

    A man comes home and excitedly tells his wife “Honey, pack your bags!”. She excitedly answers “Where are we going?” He says ” I don’t care where you go, I just won the lottery so be out of the house by 6″.

    For vacation this year my wife asked me to take her somewhere she’s never been. I said “How about the kitchen” (Henny Youngman)

    I was so ugly as a child when I hung my head out the car window I was arrested for mooning.
    (Rodney Dangerfield)

    My wife is such a bad cook the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. (Rodney again)

    A man finally pulls his car over to the side of the road after a 6 mile chase by a State Trooper. Angrily the Trooper asks “Why didn’t you stop”. The man says” Last year my wife ran away with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back”

    A young couple are just married. The husband says to the wife “I have a great idea. Every time we make love I will put a dollar in a jar by the bed. After a couple of years we should have enough money to go on a nice vacation”. So he does that, every time for 4 years. At the end of 4 years he takes the money out of the jar. There are $1, $5, $10, $20 bills and even a $100 bill. He says to his wife “Hey what’s all this?” She smiles and says “Well dear, everyone is not as cheap as you”.

  134. Stephen Rasey says:
    July 9, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    @dbstealey at 2:55 pm
    Understanding Engineers #1

    To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

    To the engineer, the glass has a margin of safety.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    To the realist, the glass is completely full. It’s half full of water and half full of air. If the glass was truly only half full, 1/2 water, 1/2 vacuum, there would be no glass at all, because it would explode almost instantaneously.

  135. This is a TRUE story: A swedish traveler bumps into a Japanese fellow traveller who immeadiately turns around, recognizing a foreigner and exclaims:”I am so sorry! Please, execute me!”

  136. The Mir space station AKA’s
    Starship Lada
    Kaputnik
    Skylab for Dummies
    The S.S. Minnowsky
    Cattlecar Galactica

  137. Joke #18 is missing the words, “Did you know” in front of the statement about the cat… and a question mark instead of (or in addition to) an exclamation mark…

  138. Here’s an oldie that I learned as a kid.

    A drunk was walking down the street dragging a 25′ log chain. He staggers into a liquor store and fights his way in the door. He drags that chain all the way to the wine cooler, gets his MD 20/20 and drags it all the way to the check out counter.

    At the cash register he pays for his wine and starts dragging the chain out the door. The clerk runs over and while holding the door asks, “Why in the world are you dragging that chain?”

    The drunk replies, “You ever try PUSHING a chain!!?”

  139. Alan Robertson says:
    July 9, 2014 at 5:44 pm

    No Aggie Joakes!
    ———————————————————————
    For the hotline for the aggie joke of the day just dial 1-800-AGGIEIQ

    [An Aggie will always misspell misspell. .mod]

  140. The 1960’s series with Adam West and Burt Ward featured the theme. Given the number of movies and animated series since, I don’t feel bad about missing #1.

  141. OK, since we are now heavily into the jokes, here is an updated variation on the classic:

    A scientist asks: “Why does it happen”
    An engineer asks: “How does it happen”
    An accountant asks: “How much does it cost to make it happen”
    A Harvard MBA asks: “How can I rape the shareholders and make myself rich”

  142. PaulH says:
    September 22, 2013 at 8:16 am

    You know that old saying, “Nature abhors a vacuum”? Well, with my latest attempt at trim carpentry I can add a few more items:
    – Nature abhors 90 degree angles (corners).
    – Nature abhors straight lines.
    – Nature abhors flat surfaces (walls, floors).

    There may be others, but my skills and patience are limited. I guess that helps to explain why carpentry is a venerated skilled trade. :-)

    omnologos says:
    May 13, 2013 at 11:51 pm

    There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
    Douglas Adams of course.

    JohnB says:
    July 9, 2014 at 7:40 am
    Be careful about any words you use in jest…

    You may have to eat them (I think it works better if you recite it –
    ASS-U-ME-ing it works at all)

    The way I heard it was, “May your words be soft and sweet, for you may have to eat them.”

  143. Quote of the Week: What you suggest may be all very well in practice, but it will never work in theory.
    Apocryphal French philosopher.

    RoHa says: June 11, 2014 at 12:09 am

    On the other hand, I have heard rumours of studies which cast doubt on the idea that red wine is good for you. I hope those rumours are false. That’s taking science too far.

    Barry:
    As the sky falls it compresses the atmosphere in what is called the diesel effect and it is the heat of this compression that causes global warming.

    Chris Burrows says: May 30, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    97% of Lemmings say you should jump off a cliff.

    Snotrocket says: March 18, 2013 at 5:46 am

    If success is always ‘just around the corner’, then you are, by definition, going round in circles.

    D.J. Hawkins says: April 24, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Matthew R Marler says:
April 24, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Cute: a lagged correlation. I can feel a model coming on.

    Take two empirical observations and call me in the morning. ;-)

    EternalOptimist says: May 26, 2014 at 11:00 pm

    “Time is running out”, “Urgent”, “Wake up call”
    Offer ends on Monday

    Ken says: June 21, 2013 at 2:24 am

    Storch: If things continue as they have been, in five years, at the latest, we will need to acknowledge that something is fundamentally wrong with our climate models.

    [Spiegel:] Ve vill ask ze qvestion again, and ziss time, you vill give ze KORREKT ansver:

    Storch: Yes, we are certainly going to see an increase of 2 degrees Celsius (3.6 degrees Fahrenheit) or more — and by the end of this century, mind you…..

    Mushroom George says: June 28, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    Three climatologists went deer hunting. A deer approached and the first climatologist fired but he missed by 20 meters to the left. The second climatologist fired but missed by 20 meters to the right. The third climatologist jumped up and said, “We nailed him boys, job well done!”.

    JoNova:

    Life is like an endless Escher puzzle to the namecallers — one question leads to another, and before you know it, you’re back where you started.

    Eyes Wide Open says: May 18, 2014 at 2:16 pm

    Q: What do you call a bunch of warmist climate scientists buried up to the necks in concrete?
    .
    A: A shortage of concrete!

    TerryT says: December 31, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    All dogs have 4 legs
    My cat has 4 legs
    Therefore my cat is a dog.

    Mark Hladik says: April 16, 2014 at 11:14 am

    Warming causes cooling.
    h/t: Mr. G. Orwell

  144. Ranches in the US west are often huge, and are frequently given a name. On his death bed, an elderly farmer said his dying wish was for his sons to inherit his large cattle ranch, but there was the added stipulation that they must rename the ranch, “Focus.”

    The sons readile agreed, but asked their father to please explain why the ranch was to be called Focus. The father’s last words were, “Because that’s where the sons raise meet.”

  145. A polar bear walks into a bar…












    The bar tender says, “Why the long paws?”

  146. That’s where the sons raise MEAT.

    Messed up the punchline as usual. That’s why I’m in the lab and not doing stand-up.

    [But it also works spelled “where the sons’ rays meet.” 8<) .mod]

  147. Ok, just for the Halibut….

    A real estate developer needs to list an office building for sale; he has sparse information about the building. He runs into an engineer, a physicist, and a salesman (perhaps dealing in “previously enjoyed” automobiles). The developer says; “I have three really nice thermometers, whoever can tell me the height of this building first can keep the thermometer and I’ll give you a 100 dollars”.

    The physicist races to the top of the building, does some calculations about the acceleration due to gravity, wind drag based on the thermometer shape, density of the air based on elevation, terminal velocity, etc, etc… Then she tosses the thermometer off the roof and records the elapsed time until she hears the sound of the thermometer hitting the pavement below. With a computer model she then estimates the height of the building….

    The engineer estimates that the thermometer is 1 foot long, walks away from the building until he can see a straight line from the ground over the top of the thermometer to the top of the building. Knowing how far away he walked from the building and the thermometer length he does a simple linear scaling to determine the building height.

    The salesman, well…. he rushes into the basement of the building frantically searching for the building manager, once he finds him he shouts; “I’ll give you this really priceless thermometer if you tell me the height of this building”…..

    This OLD engineer/scientist/salesperson joke was around a long time before everybody “claimed” to know the exact temperature of the Earth.

    AND of course there is the very old 80/20 rule of scheduling any project/undertaking…

    The first 80% of the work takes 80% of the allotted time. Then, the other 20% of the work takes another 80% of the time. Therefore, everything takes exactly 160% longer than you predicted before starting the task….

    AND, of course; “In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice”…..

    Cheers, Kevin

  148. dbstealey says:
    July 9, 2014 at 6:31 pm

    MattS and Stephen Rasey are obviously engineers!
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Nope, MattS is a computer programmer (bachelors degree in management information systems which is a business degree, not an engineering degree)

  149. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

    If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

    When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

    This next is not a joke but a bit puzzling.
    While sitting down, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
    Now, at the same time, draw a “6” in the air with your right hand.
    Your foot will change directions.

  150. What did the “bossy young woman with messy blond hair” say when the climate scientist blew in her ear?
    Thanks for the refill!

  151. A chemist, an physicist and an engineer were stranded on an island with nothing to eat, when a can of beans washed ashore. The chemist said, “we can heat it in the fire until a seam bursts”. The physicist said,”we can break it open with a rock”. The engineer said, “let’s assume we have the can open…”

  152. I hate jokes. I don’t get them. Unless they are incredibly stupid simple.

    These are the only two jokes I get.

    First one:
    Tell your friend to cross their hands one on top of the other.
    Now tell them to say “Wing, Wing”
    Pick up their hand that is on top and place it on your ear and say…Hehwo?

    Second one:
    There are three ways to kiss.
    Peaches
    Prunes
    and
    Alfalfa.

    That’s it. Don’t get most any other joke.

  153. @bob alou – another variation on the hot air joke-

    A guy in a hot air balloon is lost. He descends to thirty feet, and yells at a guy on the ground, “Can you tell me where I am?” The guy on the ground yells back, “You’re in a hot air balloon thirty feet above the ground.”

    Guy in the balloon: ” I bet you work in IT”.

    “Yes. How did you know?”

    “What you said is completely accurate and totally useless.”

    Guy on the ground: “Oh. I bet you’re in management.”

    “Yes. How did you know?”

    Guy on the ground: “When we first met, you didn’t know where you were or where you were headed, but you expected me to help. You’re still in the same position as you were before, only now it’s MY fault.”

    ====================================================
    Opposite definition of the specialist as someone who knows everything about nothing, is the generalist. He’s the guy who knows less and less about more and more until eventually he knows nothing about everything. I think the generalists have more fun, personally. :-)

    [And eerybody knows the generalist gets more salutes …. .mod]

  154. Otterrose said:

    “Joke #18 is missing the words, “Did you know” in front of the statement about the cat… and a question mark instead of (or in addition to) an exclamation mark…”

    In fact it’s not missing anything. In the classic quantum mechanics thought experiment the cat is neither alive nor dead until someone opens the box and looks. When the cop opens the trunk he sees a dead cat. Schroedinger’s reply is appropriate. “I do now” refers to the fact of him having a dead cat in the trunk — not of knowing he has a dead cat.

  155. European Heaven and Hell:

    Heaven – The French make the food, the Brits are the Cops, the Swiss are the Bankers, the Germans make the Cars and the Italians are the Lovers.

    European Hell – The Brits Make the food, the French make the Cars, the Swiss are the Lovers, the Germans are the Cops and the Italians are the Bankers.

  156. Chemical Piping Specs
    1) All pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal centered around the hole.
    2) All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length.
    3) All pipe is to be of the very best quality; perfectly tubular or pipular.
    4) All acid-proof pipe is to be made of acid-proof metal.
    5) The O.D. of the pipe must exceed the I.D. otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
    6) All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam, or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
    7) All pipe is to be supplied without rust as this can more readily be applied at the jobsite.
    8) All pipe is to be cleaned free of any covering such as mud, tar, barnacles, or any form of manure before putting up otherwise it will make lumps under the paint.
    9) All pipe over 500 feet long must have the words “long pipe” clearly painted on each end so that the fitter will know it is long pipe.
    10) All pipe over 2 miles long must also have these words painted in the middle so that the fitter will not have to walk the full length of the pipe to determine if it is long pipe or not.
    11) All pipe over six inches in diameter is to have the words “large pipe” painted on it so the fitter will not use it for small pipe.
    12) All pipe closers are to be open on one end.
    13) All pipe fitting are are to be made of the same stuff as the pipe.
    14) No fitting are to be put on the pipe unless specif ed. If you do, straight pipe become crooked pipe.
    15) Fitting come in all sorts of sizes and shapes. Be sure to specify the direction you are going when ordering.
    16) Fittings comes bolted, welded, or screwed. Always use screwed, they are best.
    17) Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
    18) If flanges are to be blank or blind the big hole in the middle must be filled with metal.

  157. John Kerry and his Horse walk into a bar . . . . . Bartender asks the Horse, “What will you have?”

  158. A cowpoke in West Texas was herding longhorn cattle one day when he
    heard faint music coming from nearby. After hunting about for a time, he
    discovered the sound was loudest near one particular calf, and was
    even louder near the calf’s tail. Putting his head close to the calf’s
    hind end, he heard, “The eyes of Texas are upon you, all the live long day…”

    Amazed, he tossed the longhorn calf over his horse’s back, mounted
    and rode quickly to his line shack 10 miles away. There he put the calf into
    his truck and drove 74 miles to Ft. Stockton, where he took the animal to
    a vet.

    When the vet asked him what was going on, the cowpoke told him, and
    the vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen, too. He agreed he
    heard, “The eyes of Texas are upon you, you cannot get away…” but didn’t seem
    particularly excited.

    “Man, how can you stand there and not be amazed?” the cowpoke asked.

    The vet, a third generation Aggie, said, “Bud, I’m an Aggie, and I’ve
    been listening to a-holes sing the “Eyes of Texas” for years.”

  159. Q: What did the one neutron say to the other neutron?

    A: There is a pretty good chance one of us won’t be around in an hour.

  160. Ed, Mr. Jones says:
    July 9, 2014 at 9:19 pm

    C. Minckton did a similar joke at the Climate Conference earlier today. Canada was involved.

  161. No Aggie Joakes!
    Heh …

    Three engineers — one from Caltech, one from MIT, and one from Texas A&M — were having a friendly discussion in a bar when the subject turned to great inventions. The MIT grad opined that the greatest invention of all time was fire. “Fire transformed the world! It gave us light at night, it kept us warm in the cold, and it let us cook food, and smelt metals, and power engines … Yes, fire has to be the greatest invention in history.”

    “I respectfully disagree,” the Caltech man said. “The greatest invention in history is the one that made history itself possible: writing. Writing let us record our very thoughts and transmit them through space and time, down the generations. It made civilization possible. Hard-won knowledge need never be lost — in a sense, writing enabled us to transcend death itself!”

    “No …” the Aggie said thoughtfully, “I think the greatest invention of all time would have to be the Thermos.”

    “The Thermos?!” the others exclaimed.

    “Well, sure!” said the Aggie. “Look — it keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold. … How does it know?!

  162. Extending that logic, you could prove 0 = 1.The nearest neighbor of 0.9999r to the left is also equal to 0.9999r, so it too is equal to 1. Repeat the process infinitely until you reach a = 0.0000…0001 with an infinite number of zeroes after the decimal point and a 1 at the end. Since we know a = 1, and there is no separation between 0 and 1, then 0 must equal 1.

    I do not think that this word “infinity” means what you think it means…;-)

    (How near is the nearest neighbor in the limit, exactly?)

    Just to be picky, all of this stuff is well understood and a part of the mathematics of series, sets, and limits, see the “You fellows ought to know your limits” joke above.

    I assume everybody has seen this one, but if not it is amusing.

    Let x = y.

    Then, multiply by y: x^2 = xy
    Subtract y^2 from both sides: x^2 - y^2 = xy - y^2
    Factor: (x + y)(x - y) = y(x - y)
    Divide out (x - y): (x + y) = y

    But remember, x = y, so:
    2x = x
    and when we divide out the x we get: 2 = 1
    Finally, we subtract 1 from both sides to get:
    1 = 0.

    Since we have now proven a contradiction, we can introduce this relation into any system of logic and prove anything you like:

    It is true that 1 = 1, so it is certainly correct to say that the statement “1 = 1 OR the ocean will rise 1 meter over the next decade” is true. However, we have just proven that 1 = 0, which contradicts 1 = 1. Therefore the second clause in the OR statement must be true, and we have proven that the ocean will rise 1 meter over the next decade.

    One can play dangerously similar games with Godelian loops (self-referential statements that can be neither true nor false) if one ignores their undecidability:

    If either this statement or the next statement is false, then pigs have wings.
    If either this statement or the previous statement is true, then pigs have wings.

    If we assume the Law of the Excluded Middle (that all propositions must be true or false), at least one of these two statements must be true — or false. Either way, we conclude that we need to watch for aerial bombardments with piggie-poop.

    The latter Godelian-style false syllogism is one of the most dangerous in all of human discourse, because one usually encounters it mixed in with long political ramblings that hide the undecidability or self-reference. It is also a fundamental tenet of nearly all religious scripture, which somewhere or other assures us (self-referentially) that the scripture itself is true.

    Epimenedes, a Cretan, once (proverbially) stated: “All Cretans are always liars”.

    rgb

  163. Three mathematicians walk into a bar. You’d think the third one would have ducked.

    A sphere walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve spheres here.” The disgruntled sphere walks outside, but then gets an idea and performs Dahn surgery upon himself. He walks into the bar, and the bartender, who does not recognize him but thinks he looks familiar (or at least locally similar) asks, “Aren’t you that sphere that just came in here?” “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

    sin(x) walks into a bar and asks for drink. The barman declines: “We don’t cater for functions.”

    There’s this farmer, and he has these chickens, but they won’t lay any eggs. So, he calls a physicist to help. The physicist then does some calculations, and he says, “Um, I have a solution, but it only works with spherical chickens in a vacuum.”

    A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the issue. After one year, the groups all reported to the investors. The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable racehorse, but it would take 200 years and $100bn. The statisticians reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a cost of $100m per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time. Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple. The investors listened eagerly to this proposal. The head physicist reported, “We have made several simplifying assumptions: first, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere…”

    A friend who’s in liquor production,
    Has a still of astounding construction,
    The alcohol boils,
    Through old magnet coils,
    He says that it’s proof by induction.

    What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

    A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others’ copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says “the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!”

    A statistician is someone who tells you, when you’ve got your head in the fridge and your feet in the oven, that you’re – on average – very comfortable.

    The floods had subsided, and Noah had safely landed his ark on Mount Sinai. “Go forth and multiply!” he told the animals, and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants. Then he heard something he didn’t recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal’s offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw. “What on earth are you doing?” he cried. “You’re destroying the trees!” “Well Noah,” the snakes replied, “we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we’re adders… so we have to use logs.”

    A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them baptized. She kept the other as a control.

    A chemistry teacher is recruited as a radio operator in the first world war. He soon becomes familiar with the military habit of abbreviating everything. As his unit comes under sustained attack, he is asked to urgently inform his HQ. “NaCl over NaOH! NaCl over NaOH!” he says. “NaCl over NaOH?” shouts his officer. “What do you mean?” “The base is under a salt!” came the reply.

    A mosquito was heard to complain
    That chemists had poisoned her brain.
    The cause of her sorrow
    Was para-dichloro-
    diphenyl-trichloroethane.

    A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.” The patient says: “What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.”

    Psychiatrist to patient: “Don’t worry. You’re not deluded. You only think you are.”

    A physicist walks into a bar, orders a beer, and turns to the stool next to him to offer it a beer. He finishes his drink and leaves. The next day he returns to the bar, orders a beer, and offers a beer to the stool next to him before finishing his drink and leaving. This continues for a week before the bartender finally asks, “Why in the world do you keep offering that stool a beer?” The physicist replies “Quantum physics indicate that there is a possibility that at some point the matter above this stool could reform into a beautiful woman, who would then accept the drink.” The bartender is puzzled for a second before replying, “The bar is full of beautiful women. Why not see if one of them will accept your drink?” The physicist laughs and says, “Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?”

    Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender approaches him and asks, “Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?” Descartes replies “I think not,” and promptly vanishes.

    Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.

    Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?
    A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red.

    There is a sign in Munich that says, “Heisenberg might have slept here.”

    A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church, but the preacher says, “Get out of here, you are a disgrace; you call yourself the ‘God particle’ when there is only one true God!” The Higgs Boson replie,s “Well if I am not here, how can you have mass?”

    I modified this one:

    The computer programmer comes running excitedly into the AGW alarmist’s office, waving a graph taken off the latest climate model. “Hmmm,” says the alarmist, “That’s exactly where you’d expect to see that peak. Here’s the reason (long explanation follows).” In the middle of it, the programmer says, “Wait a minute,” studies the chart for a second, and says, “Oops, this is upside down.” He fixes it. “Hmmm,’ says the alarmist, “you’d expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here’s the reason…”

  164. Despite satellites, sophisticated computer programs and masters degree
    university courses in the science/voodoo of weather predicting, there
    continues to be a somewhat ironic aspect to weather prognostication.
    It’s almost as if God wants to emphasize that no matter how
    smarty-pants humans become, He still has control over the Xbox weather
    generator.

    Verily, Weatherman and Weatherwoman mysteriously evolved into one
    generic life form called “meteorologist,” a designation curiously
    unrelated to meteors. (Well, maybe not completely. An early
    meteorologist, upon seeing a meteor the size of Madagascar smash into
    the Earth near the Yucatan Peninsula 60 million years ago, correctly
    predicted “partly scattered dinosaurs and a 55 percent chance of an
    ice age. Overcoat and umbrella recommended.”)

    Apparently, the main reason for the creation of the term
    “meteorologist” was to render all weathermen, weatherwomen and
    weatherperson jokes and witticisms null and void. (Bob Dylan, for
    instance, never said, “You don’t need a meteorologist to know which
    way the wind blows.”)

    It was the spotty track record of weather predictions that led to an
    entire genre of jokes about those who attempted to predict the
    weather, such as, “A weatherman and weatherwoman walk into a train.
    They didn’t see that coming either.”

    The last truly funny weatherman jokes came from comedian George
    Carlin’s “Hippy Dippy Weatherman,” who reported “Tonight’s forecast:
    Dark. With continued dark until partly scattered light in the morning.
    We see that overnight our low was 35. The high was 215 degrees. That
    was during a fire at the weather bureau.” You’ll note that the
    venerable Carlin, though he continues to perform despite being 127
    years old, has never had to update that bit.

    Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record
    of forecasting for the local newscast.

    He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record
    of his predictions and showed that he’d been wrong almost three hundred
    times in a single year.

    That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part
    of the country and applied for a similar job.

    One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his
    previous position. Hopkins wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”

  165. Werner Brozek says: July 10, 2014 at 10:00 am

    Hopkins now works as a research analyst at the Federal Reserve.

  166. “rgbatduke says:
    July 10, 2014 at 5:51 am
    Extending that logic, you could prove 0 = 1″

    A lady once asked Bertrand Russel about this. “Does 3= 2 prove you are the pope?”
    Russell replied, ” Subtract 1 from each side of the equation. You get 2=1.
    You will agree that I am one and the pope and I are two.
    But 2 = 1, therefore I am the pope.”

  167. This is one of the best ever threads on WUWT. And that is saying a lot.

    When I was at University I tried to find someone who agreed with me in finding the following statement to be humourous: “I might do the probability course”. I never did…

  168. I think my all time favourite joke is the following. It’s sexist, racist and toilet all in one neat package.

    “Why was Lt. Uhura brown? Because William Shatner.”

  169. Here are some which haven’t been posted:

    1) An electron walked into the bar. The bartender said, “Stop being so negative!”

    2) Why did people in the South fail calculus until the 1970’s?
    They refused to integrate.

    3) Why do math professors make bad football coaches?
    Their game plans are so derivative.

    4) Little Johnny finding life a bore drank some H2SO4,
    His father an MD gave him CaCO3,
    Johnny is better it’s true but he burps up CO2.
    If Johnny dies, his father will Ba.

  170. F. Ross says:
    July 9, 2014 at 11:40 pm

    ” If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.”
    ———————————————————————————————————————-
    My vote for best joke on the American people.

  171. rgbatduke says:
    July 10, 2014 at 5:51 am

    I assume everybody has seen this one, but if not it is amusing.

    Let x = y.

    Then, multiply by y: x^2 = xy
    Subtract y^2 from both sides: x^2 – y^2 = xy – y^2
    Factor: (x + y)(x – y) = y(x – y)
    Divide out (x – y): (x + y) = y

    But remember, x = y, so:
    2x = x
    and when we divide out the x we get: 2 = 1
    Finally, we subtract 1 from both sides to get:
    1 = 0.

    =======================================================================
    Nothing is equal to one?
    Now that’s something!

    Or did you mean that one has no equal?
    I’d have to know one “what” before I’d agree.

  172. You divided by (x-y), which is zero. Naughty, naughty.

    #14 would be funnier if he was walking downhill.

  173. They say the first thing to go even before your memory is your level of concern as you get old, but I don’t know, and I don’t care.

  174. Didn’t see these two above:
    Q: How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome? A; Pull down their genes!
    Also: Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic! …(Shorter version of Higgs Bozon above.)

  175. My favorite (clean) blonde joke:

    A blonde’s little girl asks her mommy to help her make Kool-aid to sell on the front sidewalk.
    No, says the blonde.
    But why? asks the little girl.
    We can make lemonade instead, says the blonde.
    But why? asks the little girl.
    Because the recipe for Kool-aid does not work, says the blonde.
    But why? asks the little girl.
    Because I tried it several times, and you just cannot put 2 quarts water into that little packet.

  176. I know that I am in the wrong room when I have to use Google to understand the jokes.
    Now googleing blonde.
    Did I spell googleing write?

  177. There should be a separate post for blonde jokes, and lawyer jokes.

    Q: What do you call a boomerang that does not come back?

    A: A stick.

  178. You divided by (x-y), which is zero. Naughty, naughty.

    Shhh! You’ll give it away! And then climate science itself will come crashing down…

    rgb

  179. I know a few clean jokes; here’s my offerings:

    Some psychology majors wanted to study the problem-solving methods of scientists. They recruited a Mathematician and a Physicist.

    They brought the Mathematician to their facility, and said, “We want you to solve a problem.”

    “OK!” the Mathematician says.

    They take the Mathematician to another room, where there is a window, a curtain, and a bucket of water. “Solve the problem,” one of them says, and lights the curtain on fire.

    The Mathematician grabs the bucket of water, and puts out the fire.

    The Physicist comes in next. “We want you to solve a problem.”

    “OK!” the Physicist says.

    They take the Physicist to another room, where there is a window, a curtain, and a bucket of water. “Solve the problem,” one of them says, and lights the curtain on fire.

    The Physicist grabs the bucket of water, and puts out the fire.

    Next day, the Mathematician is brought in, and is again asked to solve a problem. They take the Mathematician to a room, where there is a window, a curtain, and a bucket of water. “Solve the problem,” one of them says, and lights the curtain on fire.

    The Mathematician grabs the bucket of water, and puts out the fire.

    The Physicist arrives, and is asked to solve a problem. They take the Physicist to a room, where there is a window, a curtain, and a bucket of water. “Solve the problem,” one of them says, and lights the curtain on fire.

    The Physicist stands still, and watches the fire consume the curtain.

    “Why didn’t you solve the problem!?!?!?!?!” they ask incredulously.

    “I solved this problem yesterday.”

    ======================================================

    From Johnny Carson: “I love sushi. I’d eat it more often, if I just knew how to cook it.”

    ======================================================

    Variant on the “aging” jokes above:

    First person: ” … … … and as we all know, the knees are the second thing to go!”

    Second person: “What’s the first?”

    First person: “I forget … … … ”

    ======================================================

    My golf game is improving! Just last week, I finally broke 80!

    Then I had to do the second hole … … … … …

  180. What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
    Either a funny looking onion with big ears, or a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

  181. JTom on Jul 7 @ 7:11p and 7:21p is referring to a real world rancher with the last name of Rays, who was by fortune in a position to make the PERFECT TRIPLE PUN:
    1) Where the sun’s rays meet,
    2) Where the sons raise meat, and
    3) Where the sons, Rays, meet.

  182. rgbatduke says:
    July 11, 2014 at 4:48 am

    You divided by (x-y), which is zero. Naughty, naughty.

    Shhh! You’ll give it away! And then climate science itself will come crashing down…

    rgb

    =========================================================
    No! Speak up!
    Sounds like we have, uh, nothing to lose.

  183. Tomazo says:
    July 11, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    Can you do anything with “raze” i.e. Where the sons raze meat (a stretch to be sure)

    [Only if the sun’s braze meat (with a little BBQ sauce) … .mod]

  184. Jeff says:
    July 9, 2014 at 2:48 am

    Five Swiss in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

    THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED-IT’S NOT A JOKE!

    Actually, in Italy, it’s illegal to have SIX people in a some cars. Four of us salesmen at a meeting in Tuscany borrowed a company car and drove up to the Carrara marble works. On the way back to Viareggio a couple stopped us and asked for a ride. They said their car had broken down and they needed to get to the next town to get a mechanic. We put one in the front and one in the back and headed down the road. In the next town we were stopped by the Italian National Police (Carabinieri) who informed us that having 6 people in our size car was illegal. Since we didn’t understand much Italian and the police didn’t understand much English it took garbled translations between us, the hitchhikers and the police to finally sort the matter out. The driver, a Dutch guy, got the ticket anyway. The French, Malaysian guys and myself (US) thought the whole thing was a setup, either to generate revenue or to find out why 4 strangers were wandering around the mountains.

  185. An important experiment involves tying a piece of toast to a cat’s back, buttered side up, then dropping it from a height of about 6 feet (2m). If you’ve set the experiment up correctly, the cat should levitate about a foot off the floor, rotating rapidly.

  186. F. Ross says:
    July 11, 2014 at 8:34 pm
    Tomazo says:
    July 11, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    Can you do anything with “raze” i.e. Where the sons raze meat (a stretch to be sure)

    [Only if the sun’s braze meat (with a little BBQ sauce) … .mod]

    =======

    How about Horizon Ranch — Where The Sons Raise Meat — maybe set it up as dad buying the place for the boys?

  187. My two rules of emphasis:

    Rule 1) Anything can be overstated.

    Rule 2) Rule 1 can’t be overstated.

    My next comment in this thread will be my rule on procrastination.

  188. Kevin Schurig says:
    July 9, 2014 at 10:56 pm

    Another one:
    Two Aggies have shot a deer and are dragging it by the tail toward their pickup truck. A nearby Longhorn sees them and says, “If you drag the deer by the horns, going with the fur will reduce the friction and make the drag easier!” The two Aggies do so, and one says, “This really IS easier!” The second says, “Yes, but we are getting further and further away from the pickup!”

  189. Hi Kevin I agree with your last point. However, it is just a fact that the grading you refer to is very often regarded as and communicated as a lesson observation grade

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