Friday Funny: Life is a Gas!

Kevin Benn of Sweden writes with some poetry…

Hi Anthony,

[This] was an outlet for my frustration at not being able to engage local politicians or journalists in an open discussion about climate science and policy.

Please use it as you think fit!

Thank you for your Labour of Life – it’s a solace, a source of inspiration and knowledge, and a sure part of the solution!

Kevin Benn
Malmö, Sweden

LIFE IS A GAS!

Life is a gas – CO2 –
(and oxygen, of course)
But to say that it drives the climate
Puts proverbial cart before horse.

What Al Gore said in his lecture,
Unbacked by observable proof,
Turned out to be pure conjecture –
An inconvenient truth…

The ice-core samples from Vostok
Plotting temperature change over time
Revealed that in fact CO2 change
Lags hundreds of years behind.

Greenland was green when the Vikings
Settled a millennium ago;
While Frost Fairs were held on the Thames
Six centuries later, or so.

The IPCC used a Mann-made stick
To flatten this bumpy graph
To prove to us all – Q.E.D. –
That this life-giving gas ‘ain’t no larf!’

They say, thanks to human endeavour,
Our carbon footprints expand
Playing all hell with the weather
And flooding both ocean and land.

Once upon a time, CO2
Was a colourless, non-toxic gas;
Now: ”an anthropogenic emission”
On a mission to fry us, en masse.

The bottom line is that this vapour,
In solid or gaseous form,
Will turn the world into a greenhouse
Globally warmer than warm!

Mass production and consumption
Took off at the end of the war.
Despite Kyoto and Cops and Cap’n trade
CO2 levels continue to soar.

Fossil fuels, factories and flying machines
All add their bit to a graph
That rises each year exponentially
When it ought to be falling by half.

The temperature curve, however,
Just will not play the game:
Rise, fall, rise for a century
Then 17 years the same!

Elaborate computer models
Are the IPCC’s crystal ball
None of which have predicted
The recent no-warming-at-all!

Climate Science is now a religion
Where AGW is PC
And the MSM censure everything
Bar the Gospel of IPCC.

So worship the great god Consensus,
Believe what it tells you is Truth;
Or else you’ll be branded Denier
And your views will be taken as proof!

High Priest Strong said at Rio –
Leaving Greens to fill in the gaps –
”Isn’t the only hope for the planet
That the industrialised nations collapse?”

Now that’s hardly a secret agenda;
The Club of Rome endorsed it too:
”All we need is the right major crisis…”
And the scapegoat is – you know who!

So now parties of all creeds and colours
Profess to this climate-smart code:
Nature should be a museum
Back in pre-industrial mode.

The Germans have ‘Energiewende’,
Exchanging nuclear power for coal;
The Brits import timber from Canada
To spruce up their CO2 goals.

The rest of the Greens look to EU
To tax us all off the map
Survivors will catch the Royal Virus,
Prince Philip – jolly old chap!

Meanwhile, in the real world, the future
Has billions of new mouths to feed.
So ‘power plants’ must be provided
To supply them with all that they need.

Electricity and food for all
Means carbon dioxide, you see,
In South America, Africa, Asia…
Rather than just you and me.

Now 400 parts per million
Historically speaking’s quite small
So it’s thanks to a gentle warming
That the planet is greening at all.

For ask any market gardener
What the Greenhouse Effect means to them
And they’ll tell you that king-sized veggies
Crave 1200 ppm.

The more CO2, then, the better;
Photosynthesis thrives on the stuff.
So frack up both oil and shale gas;
Of which there is more than enough.

And let us pray Global Warming
Doesn’t take a turn for the worse
As its cousin, Global Cooling,
Is definitely more of a curse.

For Climate Change is the default –
The null-hypothetical state.
On those that say Man overrides this
The burden of proof is great.

For the climate has always been changing;
Change is here to stay.
As King Canute showed on the seashore,
Man cannot keep Nature at bay!

So, historians, when you review our time
And our hysterical CO2 show,
Remember that Mankind can’t be blamed
For your landscape of ice and snow.

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37 Responses to Friday Funny: Life is a Gas!

  1. kadaka (KD Knoebel) says:

    Oh, that’s good!

  2. L. E. Joiner says:

    Well done!

    And yes, CO2 IS GOOD FOR PLANTS, GOOD FOR THE EARTH, AND GOOD FOR YOU!

    /Mr Lynn

  3. Twobob says:

    Twenty eight stanzas clear wisdom.
    Conflated show pernicious information about trace Co2.
    Evidence clear but glass not.

  4. somersetsteve says:

    An admirable ode Kevin!

    Re King Canute…he was actually being ironic when he commanded the tide to recede..to demonstrate the limitations of his kingly powers to his courtiers. Sadly, our modern day rulers think they can control the weather…or at least would like the sheeple to think they can. So much for progress!

  5. lenbilen says:

    Thanks Kevin, this is a lovely poem. Here in the U.S. Obama campaigned on two issues. Life isn’t fair and the weather is getting worse. He promised to fix them both, the latest with his “Carbon Pollution” fix. With your permission I will reblog it on lenbilen.com.
    From a fellow Swede here is a poem in Swedish.
    I U.S. har tiderna blivit allt svårare.
    Obama har ännu en hord av bedårare
    De får finna ut
    när lånen tar slut
    i grunden han var blott en feg solochvårare.

  6. Nigel S says:

    Excellent, I don’t think even Kurt Wallander could find the inconveniently missing heat.

  7. Stacey says:

    Excellant but should Prince Phillip read Prince Charles?

  8. Annie says:

    I do like that! Thank you.

    Stacey…I thought that too.

  9. Mark Hladik says:

    Priceless!

  10. DaveF says:

    That really is first-rate effort, Kevin. Well done.

  11. Eric Baker says:

    Bravo!

  12. John in L du B says:

    Yes. I think Prince Charles has been confused with his father here, who, to his credit, has refused to allow wind generators on royal lands. He called windmills “a disgrace” in 2011.

    …or maybe that was what was meant. People who survive this green hijacking of the economy will catch Prince Phillip’s skeptic virus.

    Reawhly daddy!

  13. cnxtim says:

    Phil and Chuck are equally nutty ingredients of the same fruitcake, but yeah it was Windsor the Younger..

  14. Gunga Din says:

    A nice summation of lots and lots of information.

  15. urederra says:

    Awesome.

  16. Bill Parsons says:

    Thanks, Kevin. What do Swedish papers do with a heretical tract such as this? (If they won’t publish it, I’d be willing to storm the Boulder city gates and nail it to the door at NOAA headquarters.)

  17. Colorado Wellington says:

    Truth, wit and poetry! What a refreshing change in a sea of dull high-handed deception. Thank you for starting my day with a smile, Kevin.

  18. GeeJam says:

    An extreme group of warmists did shout,
    “CO2 causes flooding and drought”,
    they made such a din,
    but dropped dead breathing in,
    ‘cos they refused to ever breathe out!

    The coroners verdict was tense,
    when “they believed 400ppm was immense”,
    just key in a one, with six noughts,
    divide by 400, you’d thought,
    so is 2,500th of all gas is ‘an offence’?

    And from 2,500th of all gas in the air,
    of which 97% is naturally there,
    these warmists are taught,
    “it’s all man’s fault”,
    though the man-made bit is a 3% share.

    So the moral to this suicidal debt,
    Is if this tiny amount of CO2 is a threat,
    then you cannot divide or add,
    CO2 is good, not bad,
    and our world will not burn up quite yet.

  19. Colorado Wellington says:

    Bill Parsons says:
    June 6, 2014 at 8:59 am

    I’d be willing to storm the Boulder city gates and nail it to the door at NOAA headquarters …

    … and I’d be honored to serve on your tactical distraction team or join a second wave should you encounter stiff resistance and fail to reach the summit.

    Let’s reform this corrupt church!

  20. John W. Garrett says:

    I have to admit it; I expected doggerel.

    I was wrong. It’s quite good.

  21. John Slayton says:

    Those monkeys up in the coconut tree,
    Discussing things as they’re said to be,
    Are currently pondering something new:
    The climate of earth and its CO2.

    The eldest advises his proteges
    Of sciency man and his goofy ways.
    “My lads, we know humans are not like us,
    Discussing opinions without a fuss.
    When they disagree about what may be true,
    They go hire lawyers and run down and sue.”

    “So Brothers, it’s clear what we should do.
    We must reaffirm our earlier view
    That man descended, the ornery cuss,
    But Brothers, he didn’t descend from us.”

  22. Eugene WR Gallun says:

    Lots of interesting, unusual rhymes in there.

    Clear aforethought followed by careful execution. The purpose of the poem drives the rhyming and not the other way around.

    Decent handling of meter. Length demonstrates mastery.

    What’s not to like?

    Eugene WR Gallun

  23. gnomish says:

    as long as it’s poetry corner time…
    Noble Savage
    living with nature, exposed to the weather
    tools made of pebbles and chewing on leather
    wearing no clothing and painting our cheeks,
    squatting in bushes and pissing in creeks

    rattles and feathers and hypnotic trances,
    changing the climate with chanting and dances
    dung fires, dibble sticks – isn’t it nice?
    smothered in bear grease and clawing at lice.

    we are noble – we are savage – and we keep it real!
    burning a virgin to placate our gods- and what in the hell’s a ‘wheel’?

  24. Louis says:

    Stacey says:
    June 6, 2014 at 5:47 am
    Excellant but should Prince Phillip read Prince Charles?

    No, it was actually Prince Phillip who said he wanted to return as a killer virus. Here’s the quote:

    “If I were reincarnated, I would wish to be returned to Earth as a killer virus to lower human population levels.” — Prince Phillip

    The apple (or nut) doesn’t fall far from the tree.

  25. Jimbo says:

    Great stuff. And now for a few words.

    Our carbon, which art in heaven,
    Damned be thy name,
    Thy power be gone,
    Emissions be none,
    On Earth as as well as in heaven,
    Give us this day our daily rations,
    And forgive us our emissions,
    As we forgive those who emit against us,
    and lead us not into electrification,
    but deliver us from evil carbon dioxide
    For his is the kingdom, the power and the Al Glorey for ever and ever, Carbon.

  26. LogosWrench says:

    Sweet

  27. Tom J says:

    This rhyme from Kevin
    I find quite sublime
    For to rhyme has been a human endeavor
    For just about all of time

  28. Boulder Skeptic says:

    Jimbo says (June 6, 2914 at 11:50am)…

    Nice. One suggested tweak…
    As we won’t forgive those who emit against us,

    better captures the hypocrisy, maybe?

  29. Christian_J. says:

    What an excellent poem. Wisely and correctly assembled. To demonstrate the demons are those that deny the facts. This should be on posters, cards and Youtube, at least.

  30. David, UK says:

    Brilliant – like all the best humour it works on multiple levels (funny-cos-it’s-true, just plain funny, intelligently written, great timing). It’s a gift! Thanks Mr Benn!

  31. David, UK says:

    The money for Greens and all that
    Has made Mr Gore rather fat
    And although he’s a rat -
    A manipulative twat -
    His movie’s sell (what’s up with that?)

    Sorry, it’s late, I’ve had a drink, and I’m tired. And other excuses. Okay, it’s cheap. Must try harder…

  32. gregole says:

    Very good!

  33. Eugene WR Gallun says:

    gnomish June 6 11:14am

    you went 95% of the way. Just a little more extra effort.

    For the sake of meter replace “hypnotic” with “mystical”,

    Line 7 — For meter you need something like — Dung in the fire and dirt for a spice

    Last line — Gods are fickle — burn a virgin — what the hell’s a wheel?

    Gut out that last 5% — wrack your brain — make the meter work — poetry needs to be perfect or its not poetry.

    Liked the alteration of line length in the ending.

    Your poem is good and deserves a tough critique.

    Eugene WR Gallun

  34. somersetsteve says:

    Here continueth the lesson according to Jimbo…

    Hail Gorey, two of face
    The con is with thee
    Blessed are thou amongst wamists
    And blasted be the deniers of your doom thesis
    Flay us deniers now
    And at the death of our economy.
    Carbon.

  35. RACookPE1978 says:

    Oh Come on Gallum!

    Shirley you can critique stronger than that! 8<)

    But, following "your" key, make Jimbo's prayer even better.

    Jimbo says:
    June 6, 2014 at 11:50 am

    Great stuff. And now for a few words.

    Our carbon, which art in heaven,
    Damned be thy name,
    Thy power be gone,
    Emissions be none,
    On Earth as as well as in heaven,
    Give us this day our daily rations,
    And forgive us our emissions,
    As we forgive those who emit against us,
    and lead us not into electrification,
    but deliver us from evil carbon dioxide
    For his is the kingdom, the power and the Al Glorey for ever and ever, Carbon.

    RACook changes Jimbo to read … (but only with Gallum's OK)

    Our carbon, whose fart be towards heaven,
    Damned be thy name,
    Thy power be gone,
    Emissions be none,
    On Earth as as it was in heaven,
    Give us this day our daily ration,
    And forgive us our emission,
    As we hate those who emit against us,
    and lead us not into pure fictation,
    but deliver us from evil in carbonation.

    For his is the kingdom, the power and the Al Glorey for ever and ever, Carbon.

  36. somersetsteve says:

    Typo fixed and insert a missing line..

    Hail Gorey, two of face
    The con is with thee
    Blessed are thou amongst warmists
    And blasted be deniers of your doom thesis
    Holy Gorey, lover of dosh
    Flay us sinners now
    And at the death of our economy.
    Carbon

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