News Brief by Kip Hansen — 20 April 2024
Although hidden from the public for years—hidden in plain sight yet invisible to most—a deep and dangerous conspiracy has been operating in America for generations, possibly since its founding.
Only in the last few weeks has this pernicious conspiracy been brought to light by the brave actions of Henderick “Mort” Morton who founded a society at the University of Missouri to expose and combat the conspiring malefactors. Carrying a sign in the University’s “Speakers Circle” declaring “NOT A CULT. I PROMISE” Mort has been recruiting members to society, which he founded and is the president of.
The Maneater, the official student newspaper of the University, quotes Mort saying:
“Call us crazy if you want,” Morton said. “We are serious about what we do. We are dedicated to the cause.”
The first meeting of the Society drew over sixty students, a standing- room-only crowd which had to use a meeting room reserved in the name of another student organization, the Philanthropy Club, while the newly founded Society applies for official recognition.
The “Squirrel Observation Society is investigating the goals and motives of squirrels in an effort to end their “tyranny.”
“During the meeting, Morton presented a slideshow with squirrels edited into historical photos, explaining that squirrels have been responsible for many past tragedies. Barely stifled laughter filled the room as Morton displayed photos of squirrels edited next to dinosaurs or in the background of the “Washington Crossing the Delaware” painting.”
“I really enjoyed the squirrels whenever I first came to campus, but they brought up some good points tonight,” Patton said.
but….
“There’s something up with them.”
“Look around you … Faculty leave, deans retire, students graduate but one thing always stays: a permanent, undying brigade of squirrels always here and forever silently watching.”
“Why are they here? Who leads them? What are their goals? These are all questions we aim to answer in the Squirrel Observation Society.”
You can follow them in their quest for truth and justice on Instagram.
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Author’s Comment:
Brought to you through the efforts of The College Fix and the University of Missouri’s student newspaper, The Maneater.
“The Maneater’s name … signifie[s] a strong and aggressive paper” that serves as the student voice of MU. [ source ]
Personally, I too think there is something up with those danged squirrels!
Yes, this is the best I can do for humor. Hope it made you smile.
Thanks for reading.
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I read a science fiction short story many years ago.
An alien race decided to genetically engineer dogs to act as spies to keep an eye on all humans.
Then they found that somebody had beaten them to it – with cats.
Eric Frank Russel had a short story where dogs were an alien race meant to keep an eye on humans. But no cats. And I can’t remember the name of the story.
It may well have been based on the EFR story, but with the cats as a twist in the tail.
We don’t have squirrels down here… but we do have possums….. and drop-bears.
And many assorted rodents…
and don’t forget Yowies.
They’re everywhere.
Just ask any Japanese tourist.
I think squirrel is tastier than opossum. Thoughts?
I haven’t tried ‘possum. However, it HAS to be more tender than squirrel!
I haven’t tried squirrel but there is an Australian recipe for possum that says cook the possum with the rock until tender, then ditch the possum and eat the rock.
That’s a coincidence. The galah recipe is the same.
Squirrel tastes like chicken (no joke) and also makes great jerky.
I hate grey squirrels, which were imported from America to Britain a couple of hundred years ago. They destroy our trees and are wiping out the native red squirrel.
How do they destroy trees?
Destroy? If you want the serious answer, they strip the bark. Beech is probably their favourite.
I was a forester for 50 years- never heard of squirrels striping bark off of beech. Probably happens- but beech suffers the most from beech bark disease- it’s infected the majority of beech in New England. Also, many idiots write on beech with knives by cutting into the bark- probably far more damage than from squirrels.
Not in the UK, they are a major destructive pest. The damage is well documented.
Don’t believe me?
https://www.forestresearch.gov.uk/research/management-of-grey-squirrels/#:~:text=Grey%20squirrels%20are%20extremely%20destructive,larch%2C%20pines%20and%20Norway%20spruce.
Maybe it’s because there are no natural predators of them so the population is excessive in the UK?
That’s
racistsquirrelistgreyist.The greys here stay in the woods … they don’t chew on the car wiring, house wiring, get into the homes or garages. The greys are actually the good guys.
Never had a dog catch a Grey. She got two Eastern Fox squirrels (similar to Red) Saturday. Greys here are either smarter, or much more leery, or both.
Then there’s little grey aliens. 🙂
Dem those squirrels.
Red squirrels in my part of the world are very intelligent and cute but they cut down our walnuts before they are ripe and they eat baby birds and hares. They all support the WEF.
The only time I got a good harvest of hickory nuts was when Hurricane Ike blew through and dropped all the ripe nuts before the squirrels could savage them.
You get a better class of squirrel when they are red….
I still wonder how conservatives became red and liberals became blue. I grew up with the idea that the reds were the commies.
I suspect that it was the handiwork of the newspapers who purposely associated conservatives with communists.
The motto of grey squirrels: “Better dead than red.”
We have endless difficulty keeping the little blighters out of the bird feeders. Now I understand!
FWIW, I did too, until I hung the bird feeders on a long S-hook. The feeders are far enough above the ground that the squirrels don’t like jumping off, and they know they can’t climb or jump back off from feeder to top of the S-hook.
Ed and Scarecrow ==> I have been known to use the twenty-two solution…..
yes, the .410 solution is a bit overkill for squirrels.
(pardon the pun 🙁 )
That must be pretty high. I observed a grey miss a branch and fall about 30 feet onto a wood-plank walkway in my backyard. It made a ‘thump’ sound, promptly jumped up and scrambled up the nearest tree, apparently no worse for the experience.
To stop the climbing, try vasilene on the pole.
It’s a laugh riot to see them try….
My feeders are low (hanging from an otherwise unused clothes line) and/or in a tree.
Squirrels and sometime racoons would quickly wipeout whatever I put out until I started putting out something like this.
https://www.mrbird.com/product/flaming-hot-feast-small-cylinder/
There are other brands that use the same approach.
(Now starlings are my only problem.)
When I first moved into the house I’m living in, I decided to take advantage of the hooks in the soffits that the previous owner had put in for hanging baskets of flowers. I bought some strawberries and planted them in a basket, hopefully out of the reach of the squirrels. The first day I got home from work, the plants were scattered on the back deck, along with a lot of the soil. I happened to have a small electric-fence transformer. I replanted the strawberry plants, placing an electrode in the soil, and another hanging in the center of the basket support.
I wasn’t there to observe the action, but as best as I can tell, the squirrel rooted around a bit before explosively exiting the basket. It must have taken some time before it brushed up against the suspended electrode. To its credit, it never again climbed into that basket, apparently being a fast learner.
Yes the bird feeders do attract the fuzzy tailed rats, but baffles seem to help. My biggest problem is trying to beat them to the fruit on the plum and peach trees. They seem to like it best a couple of days prior to tree ripe stage. 22 pellet gun helps some, but the old eyes and nerves aren’t near as steady as they use to be. Gonna try some squirrel repellent gizmos that are apparently moth balls in a little container that can be hung in the tree. Most likely just another gimmick —jury still out on this.
My brother refers to squirrels as rats with good haircuts.
Grease the pole with vaseline. Then watch the suckers try to shinny up as they slide back down…
Squirrels control the world, Rick and Morty.
https://youtu.be/Gpzdyx9No_Y
McGrim ==> An attempt to expose the truth — using cartoons to disguise the terrifying message….
Squirrels and “squirrel-bait”.
theres a scifi short story from 60s? i think where squirrels get nasty..damned if I remember who wrote it but I do remember it, as a nice twist
Squirrels cause CAGW?
You can love them or hate them, one thing is for sure they aren’t going anywhere.
What he needs is a bazooka!
Can I assume this meeting occurred on 1 April?