Satirical Parody of AGW alarmism and Climatism
Reader Tom G tips us to this story:
by Bob Baird, PhD, PG
The scene: some 10-12,000 years ago. It is the late Pleistocene, the end of the last ice age. Neanderthal man is just beginning to notice that the climate is getting warmer. At that time, the ocean shoreline on the North American west coast is about 10-25 miles farther out than now. The east coast is even broader, generally from 30 to 100 miles farther out. Imagine now the fear that struck the hearts of the Neanderthal people as they watched the shoreline inch forward year after year as the land they knew and loved was inexorably claimed by an unmerciful ocean.
At that time, the Neanderthal shamans and tribal chieftains proclaimed to the Neanderthal people that it was the deadly emissions of CO2 from their campfires that were causing this disaster. On his tablet, Neanderthaldom in the Balance, the Profit Goregon lamented that the discovery of fire was the worst thing that ever happened to the planet. Profit Goregon warned that the Neanderthals had only ten winters to act.
Upon learning this, the Neanderthals wailed and wept and threw snow on their heads and tore their hides. They promised to do whatever the shamans and chieftains told them to do if it would stave off this impending doom.
After much deliberation and consultation, the shamans and chieftains proclaimed that the only solution was that the Neanderthal people must bring increased tithes of all their beads, berries and fish to them. This would enable the shamans and chieftains to devote themselves fully to determining how to solve the devastating problem of campfire emissions.
With their newfound freedom from having to provide for themselves, the shamans and chieftains were able to devise a cap-and-tithe program. Anyone lighting a campfire would be required to bring still more of their beads, berries and fish to the shamans and chieftains. This would have two wonderful and delightful consequences: It would cause the Neanderthal people to cut back on their use of fire, which is unnecessary in the first place and hurtful to the planet in the second, and it would generate still more revenue for the deserving shamans and chieftains and allow them to spend even more time in contemplative thought pondering on what things should be done for the good of the Neanderthal people.
In their leisure, the shamans and chieftains developed a new solar technology to replace fire. It was discovered that certain clear quartz rocks could be used to focus the rays of the sun to a small point where much heat would be generated. This clean and renewable energy technology would replace the antiquated and planet destroying fire. Certainly, it would take slightly longer to cook food with a quartz rock and the quartz rocks cost ten times more beads, berries and fish than firewood, but the benefits to the planet would be more than worth it. And the clear quartz rocks could also be used to heat other rocks that could be put in the cave to keep everyone warm during the cold, ice age nights.
As always, there were some extremists among the Neanderthals who, with no basis other than their dislike and envy of the shamans and chieftains, argued that fire was good and brought innumerable benefits to the Neanderthals. But good Neanderthal subjects did not listen to them and called them Australopithecines because of their backwardness and their desire only to build a bridge to the past.
As we sadly now know, the words of Profit Goregon rang all too true. The Neanderthal people did not heed his warnings early enough and were too slow in switching from campfires to quartz rocks. The ten winters came and went and the familiar ice sheets melted and withdrew and the seas transgressed dozens of miles to where they are today. And what of Neanderthal man? Alas, Neanderthal man is no more. They paid the price of being too slow to heed the warnings of Profit Goregon and the shamans and chieftains who were much, much smarter than they.
So, what can we learn from their frightful example? We see that even the CO2 from Neanderthalian campfires was enough to end the ice age, melt the ice sheets, and raise the sea level, and that this had nothing whatsoever to do with any natural processes. And we see where even the slightest selfish hesitancy to do what is right for the planet can lead.
Let us pray that we, in our day, do not follow in their fateful steps and let us be ever willing to trust our scientists and the politicians who fund their grants who, as the shamans and chieftains of old, are selflessly and altruistically working only for our good even if we are too Neanderthalian to recognize it!
@ur momisugly Gerry Dorrian
Nah, they’re alive and well and living in Australia — Canberra to be specific 🙂
“Asian Neanderthals’ may have occupied Australia”
The Neanderthals might have survived, if they had only spotted the Mammoth in the cave . . . . .
This’ll scare the warmists now they known sea levels will rise even when they drive man back to the caves. So we must go back further do more and act faster!
@ur momisugly Bob Baird
I notice you title yourself as Bob Baird, PhD, PG.
What does the “PG” stand for?
Cheers
The PG
Bill Taylor says:
November 8, 2013 at 7:13 pm
….we CAN handle small exposures to smoke with NO problem.
Yes, but we can also state that we don’t LIKE that stale stink, and move away from it…because it bothers us. After quitting cigarettes 12 years ago, cold turkey, I have developed an asthmatic response or allergy to tobacco smoke, and really don’t like being around it at all. Maybe no problem for many, but not for this old fart.
The seas rose rather faster than ‘inching ‘ each year. In some areas the sea invaded the land by about 100 meters per year. That must have been pretty spectacular. As your readers will know, it was at this time the surf board first came into wider use and land prices rocketed giving birth to the capitalist society.
Ridicule, that’s the way to do them. 🙂
Nice one.
Change Neanderthals to Solutreans & the parody is much more relevant. After all, the Solutrean peoples had paddled from the Atlantic coast of Europe to America along the fringe of the icepack, 18,000 years ago. I know this as I bought the book.
http://planet.uwc.ac.za/nisl/Conservation%20Biology/Karen%20PDF/Clovis/Bradley%20&%20Stanford%202004.pdf
Don’t laugh I was debating a climate scientists a long time ago he told me Humans made the thick forests of the Sahara become a desert.
I think the lesson here is that you need to be a shaman and let the stupid saps, who believe all your BS, provide you with everything.
The leaders of ‘climate science’, religious cults, pointless bureaucracies and political extremist groups still practice this today, so nothing changes.
There is an old adage which explains everything: “In cess pits, the big lumps always float to the top.”
I know this essay is satire, but I had a guy seriously argue that the CO2 from human campfires ended the last Ice Age and that this was an early sign of how humans could disrupt nature. I asked him if it was possible either or not one year of natural forest fires produced more CO2 than 100,000 years of human campfires, and why the forest fires then wouldn’t have such an utterly devestating effect on climate.
…for some odd reason he never responded back. The most basic logic is just too much for some people when it clashes with belief.
@The Pompous Git:
You wrote: “Nah, they’re alive and well and living in Australia — Canberra to be specific :-)”, if you consider the “housos” here (families living in public funded housing), yes. I live in Canberra. Drove pass a mob of them yesterday having a punch up over a minor car accident. Quite the scene making every effort to deplete the gene pool.
Very keen though on the pronunciations of surnames. My surname is always,mangled. Blame the inadequacies of printed font and text.
I make a point being in a multi-cultural environment at work to articulate my co-workers names as best I can.
Its Neandertal.
Sadly, this kind of thing has happened before. Read about the South African cattle killing movement (1854-1858). Disease was killing the local cattle and settlers were overwhelming the Xhosa. A girl told them she met some spirits who told her that ALL the Xhosa’s cattle must be killed and crops destroyed in order to save themselves. The rest is history. 🙁
Good one. 🙂
Really?
(Population misconceptions – score card for chimps v grads, Joe 6pack).
The Neanderthals did not go extinct, they simply decided to leave. Basing the timing of their departure on a quantum event they rippled the 10th dimension creating a hominid free universe containing a cooler planet Earth in to which they stepped sideways using the sixth.
Hey, in a quantum universe anything is possible.
Old Smokey has nailed it here [2009].
ROFL! Especially at the brilliant ‘Profit’ Goregon. Wonderful.
For those skeptics who find this par0dy revealing, read this one:
“The affordable boat act”
http://www.boatered.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=163507
Neanderthals seem to be alive and well.
pokerguy says:November 8, 2013 at 5:03 pm
Haven’t read past the first few lines yet, but weren’t Neanderthals extinct by then?
Interesting book by M. Crichton, ‘The 13th Warrior’. It is taken from an Arab’s journal of a journey to the far north, ~700AD?, and encountering what appear to be be Neandertals, but we hadn’t discovered their existence yet.
@catcracking says:
November 9, 2013 at 5:44 am
For those skeptics who find this par0dy revealing, read this one:
“The affordable boat act”
http://www.boatered.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=163507
===================================================
Excellent! Thanks for the link.
Michael Combs says: @ur momisugly November 8, 2013 at 8:08 pm
Neanderthals walk among us today, and I’m not just thinking of Michael Mann…..
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
That is what happened to the genes of the “… extremists among the Neanderthals who, with no basis other than their dislike and envy of the shamans and chieftains, argued that fire was good and brought innumerable benefits to the Neanderthals.”
I’d rather be a nandy than a crom
yes I would, If I could, I surely would
I’d rather use my models and ad-hom
yes I would, If I could, I surely would
Away, I rather splice away
Like a Penn that’s here again
A Mann whose head is spinning round
He gives the world its saddest sound
Its saddedst sound
I am dismayed at the number of commenters assuming Neandetals were as ignorant as politicians. Just connect-the-dots on these research conclusions, and you will arrive at a startling conclusion: Neandertals had larger craniums than modern mam; traces of their DNA exist in all populations except those in sub-Saharan Africa (home of “modern man”; the DNA found increases with the distance from sub-Saharan Africa; and IQ studies (which cannot be discussed in “polite company”, but they were published research) show Asians average 110, Europeans 100 (of course, that’s what the scale was normalized to), and sub-Saharan Africans, 80. I think there is a case to be made that they were smarter than today’s Man (and vastly more intelligent than politicians). If so, their added intelligence did not translate into increased survival skills. Perhaps they were not as violent as Modern Man, or simply did not breed as copiously.
Sorry, modern man, not modern mam. Why is it I do my best proof-reading just as I click on ‘send’?
Brilliant bit of humour for the week end. Many thanks for it.
“So easy, a caveman can do it.”