Friday Funny – A Tribute to the Life of Climate Change

Perhaps a eulogy will help Dana Nuccitelli and others come to terms with the death of the AGW hypothesis.

By Craig Lindberg

Perhaps Dana Nuccitelli and others can’t come to terms with the death of the AGW hypothesis because Climate Change hasn’t been properly eulogized. Maya Angelou once wrote; “I can accept the idea of my own demise, but I am unable to accept the death of anyone else. I find it impossible to let a friend or relative go into that country of no return. Disbelief becomes my close companion, and anger often follows in its wake.”

I fear Dana likewise is likewise suffering from the denial and anger that follows the loss of a loved one. To that end, I offer these words to try to bring some comfort and closure to him and his friends who are tormented by the loss of their dear friend and long-time companion.

I never had the opportunity to meet Climate Change personally;

however he had many friends, and they spoke of him frequently – so frequently that at times, I thought they wanted me to know him better than I know my own family. And while I never came to know and appreciate Climate Change the way they did, he did bring me many laughs over the years.

Climate change had a difficult childhood. His father was a relentlessly self-promoting civil servant from Iowa and his mother was an elderly French prostitute named Lia. She was not the perfect mother; she would drink. She would make outrageous claims like she invented the internet. Sometimes, she would accuse bushes of being corrupt. The sort of general mendacity that only the self-proclaimed genius possess and the skeptical lament. She spent all her time in pursuit of riches; never did she lift a finger to help Climate Change. His friends did their best to help him deal with the pain of his youth; so dedicated was one man, that he even tried to convince the world that Lia never even existed.

As a boy, Climate Change kept mostly to himself and was not the larger-than-life figure we have come to know in recent years. Certainly no one would have guessed that he would go on to found one of the largest religions of our time. You might say his childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon , luge lessons. In the spring, he made meat helmets, pretty standard, really.

He first gained notoriety when thrust unwillingly into the spotlight by those who would later become friends of his mother. They wanted everyone to believe that it was he who was cold and heartless; though now these proselytes deny any part in it. I can still remember seeing him as a young man on the cover of Time magazine; the “Big Freeze” they called him. A chilling life was not his destiny however, and soon his future was as bright as an active sun – so bright that even the Hollywood A-list would seek out his warmth.  In time, he came to be known as Global Warming.

When someone you love passes away, there is a strong temptation to remember them perhaps a little too well. Misdeeds are forgotten; offenses are forgiven; and only the most shining characteristics of our loved ones make it into the version of them that we keep with us when they depart. Most people who knew Global Warming would be surprised to learn that he quietly struggled with depression.  At times, he would preach among his followers, “If you don’t have the kind of life you might like, you can find happiness in the concerns of those around you.”

Though most people didn’t know this about him, they know the troubles it eventually caused him all too well. Many of his disciples took his words to mean that they should not only go out and create concerns in the people around them but also in all people around the world. And as time went by and the various fears that were attributed to Global Warming failed to materialize, the damage to his reputation became beyond repair. Many people stopped taking him seriously. When he went out in public, even the children would point at him and laugh. Ultimately this led his promoters to convince him to reinvent himself yet again, this time as the Climate Change we lay to rest here today.

Unlike his previous personas, Climate Change was difficult to understand. Perhaps this was by design; he didn’t want to relive the problems of his past, or perhaps it was his devoted friends who believed the best way to protect him was to keep the details of his life a secret. Whatever the reason, we never really had the opportunity to know who he was or wasn’t even though we heard about him every day. The paparazzi liked the new Climate Change more than ever – so much that they looked right past his ever increasing problems. I’m sure this made his passing all the more difficult for those who idolized him.

Despite a string of events that would have broken a lesser man, he continued to face the world with an unparalleled hope and optimism that nothing could stop him. Einstein once said “there are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” The latter certainly defined Climate Change. He believed nothing could prove him wrong, and he radiated a Machiavellian-like passion that inspired a wave of second-rate postdocs and government researchers to use the magic of politics, in a strange twist, to transform alchemy into a respected science that would let them to taste fame and fortune beyond their wildest expectations.

However, even with all his fame, Climate Change was never a rich man. He did not have money to give to the world’s poor and suffering, nor was he ever able to convince his mother to use her riches to help anyone other than herself. This particularly weighed on him given all the heat waves and snow storms, droughts and floods, and all manner of pestilence that had been falsely attributed to him now and into the future. Nonetheless, he had an uncanny way of inspiring a sort of assisted generosity in his fellow man. Countless billions of our hard earned dollars have been given in his name. For this more than anything else, I’m sure he will be missed by real friends.

His seemingly sudden death has come as a surprise to many, but Climate Change had been in poor health for some time. His close friends were in a deep denial, most of those in the media were too distraught to bring themselves to report it; and, despite his ever worsening condition, Climate Change never grumbled or complained about his sometimes obvious discomfort, a rare virtue in any man. Hopefully his friends can find it in them to be as strong. Let us honor Climate Change’s brave struggle by letting him go silently into the night. Rest in peace.