Act Now! Make Money From Global Warming!

Guest Post by Willis Eschenbach

Over at the National Institutes of Health, they have announced that there are funds available for research into the effects of climate on human health (NIH announces climate change and health funding). I guess it’s like they said in the movie “Field of Dreams”, their famous line that “If you pay for it, they will come.” Or something like that, I have a feeling that’s not exactly what they said in the movie, but you get the idea.

The NIH “Report Outlining Research Needs” (PDF) 

I thought I’d spread this opportunity around a bit, in case any WUWT readers needed extra income. For example, there’s money for studying the effects of climate change on mental health, which they describe as (emphasis mine):

Mental Health and Stress-Related Disorders—By causing or contributing to extreme weather events, climate change may result in geographic displacement of populations, damage to property, loss of loved ones, and chronic stress, all of which can negatively affect mental health. Research needs include identifying key mental health effects and vulnerable populations, and developing migration monitoring networks to help ensure the availability of appropriate health care support.

You likely weren’t even aware that the loss of loved ones can negatively affect mental health, but don’t let that hold you back! Because there’s more to this exciting funding opportunity than just monitoring migrations and being negative about mental health. Click the “Continue reading …” button below on your screen right this minute to find out about more money-making chances in the exciting new field of human climate health science! Press the button now to secure your future, this opportunity won’t last!

You cared enough about your future to push the button, so here is the information that only industry insiders ever get about this funding. For exmple, it’s not widely known but one of our “hottest” fields is the effect of climate on our nerves. You’ve noticed how people get nervous just talking about the climate, but you probably didn’t know you could profit from it. Here’s how you can enter this smoking hot new field (emphasis mine):

Neurological Diseases and Disorders—Climate change, as well as attempts to mitigate and adapt to it, may increase the number of neurological diseases and disorders in humans. Research in this area should focus on identifying vulnerable populations and understanding the mechanisms and effects of human exposure to neurological hazards such as biotoxins (from harmful algal blooms), metals (found in new battery technologies and compact fluorescent lights), and pesticides (used in response to changes in agriculture), as well as the potentially exacerbating effects of malnutrition and stress.

You can’t make this stuff up, folks, this is the real deal, money-making opportunities being spawned right and left by climate change. But don’t think they’re leaving other diseases out of the picture. Take, cancer, for example. The nattering nabobs of negativity might point out that we mostly don’t know what causes cancer, and mostly we can’t cure it or prevent it. But don’t listen to those nay-sayers! There’s still real cash to be made in studying climate change and cancer. Consider this:

Cancer—Many potential direct effects of climate change on cancer risk, such as increased duration and intensity of ultraviolet (UV) radiation, are well understood; however the potential impact of changes in climate on exposure pathways for chemicals and toxins requires further study. Science should investigate the effects of mitigation and adaptation measures on cancer incidence so that the best strategies can be developed and implemented; for example, research to inform understanding of the benefits of alternative fuels, new battery and voltaic cells, and other technologies, as well as any potential adverse risks from exposure to their components and wastes.

Well, OK, maybe the climate change isn’t causing cancer, but the way that we mitigate and adapt to it is. Or it sure might be, who knows, so when you see those kinds of claims, you shouldn’t bother pointing out the blatant logical inconsistencies. Instead, when you follow this revolutionary NIH program, soon you’ll be stepping right over those ugly scientific potholes and thinking “Wow, who cares if it’s warming, there’s real climate dollars to be made here!”

Here’s the bottom line—the votes are in, folks, and the debate is over. Despite the best efforts of the oil industry shills to deny the obvious facts, the chain of causation is crystal clear. Climate change causes things like alternative fuels, voltaic cells, compact fluorescent lights, and new battery technologies, and these inevitably lead to cancer and neurological diseases and negative mental health outcomes.

And that undeniable basic science is gold for people such as yourselves, my friends, pure gold. The future is now, pick up the phone immediately and call the NIH to find more about your stellar opportunities to make big money in the exciting new field of green climate health change analysis …

w.

OBLIGATORY FINE PRINT: The author certifies that he has no economic, fiscal, personal, or for that matter, really even the slightest interest of any kind in the NIH program. All warranties, expressed or implied, are hereby neither expressed nor implied. Prior results are no guarantee of future performance. Please recycle or otherwise dispose of your old emails and unused web sites in an ecologically responsible manner. All funds provided courtesy of the US Taxpayer.  No electrons were harmed in the preparation of this post. All characters are imaginary and, in common with much of climate science, none are based on real individuals or observations. In some instances names have been changed to protect the guilty. Any resemblance between this NIH funding program and vital medical research is purely coincidental. Offer void where prohibited or taxed. Not valid in Washington, DC.