Friday Funny

An inch of snow on my terrace in downtown Paris this morning. The boys are planning to build a snowman after school.

Is this clip “for or against” ???
Well I’m a non manmade warmest/climate change or whatever the latest buzz word is. But as an ex-pat I tend see it as a p**s take. But for some warmists I think this may well lead to confusion and doubt, especially for the older ones.
Are they making fun of us, it, whatever?
It’s a confused message or we wouldn’t be asking the question “for or against”. The term cognitive dissonance comes to mind.

Global Warming Is The Least of Your Worries

Funny, very appropriate here in freezing Blighty.
Here’s a funny letter I found . . . . enjoy.
Dear Sir,
I live in Hitchin, which is 45 miles away from your impressive meetings venue. As featured on your website under ‘Carbon Free Meetings’, please calculate my CO2 emissions to and from the meeting so that I can then pay you some money towards the planting of a few saplings – in order to offset my ‘footprint’. The following information may help you arrive at a more accurate calculation.
Firstly, as far as I am aware, from the moment I set off on my journey to when I arrived home later that evening, I was involuntarily responsible for inhaling quite a bit of oxygen and breathing out CO2 that day. Despite several conscientious attempts, I found it difficult to prevent my lungs from performing this respiratory function.
My car is a large 3.5 litre V6 Estate – some may say a ‘gas guzzler’ and less CO2 efficient than say a small Mini. However, I chose to drive the 90 mile round trip in a cautiously sedate fashion – as behind the driver’s seat, the back was still full of heavy sacks containing decaying rubbish from my garden. Unfortunately, I failed to get to the local recycling centre on time the previous day. With regard to my ‘footprint’ calculation, please take in to account the extra CO2 produced by the natural anaerobic digestion of grass cuttings, decaying leaves, windfall apples, twigs and roots – both during my journey and whilst my car remained parked at your premises for the day. In addition, being such a warm morning, and due to the load I was carrying, the liquid CO2 refrigerant in my car’s air conditioning unit circulated fresh cool air in a pleasing manner – which overcame both the heat and the unpleasant pong. Furthermore, I quenched my thirst sipping from the small screw top bottle of fizzy lemonade (injected with man-made CO2 purely for its novelty effect).
Much to the annoyance of fellow road users, my sedate driving behaviour that day was also largely responsible for their impatient driving manner. Each one flashed, tooted and increased their fuel consumption by accelerating past me at every available opportunity. Therefore, I must also be held indirectly responsible for the all the unnecessary extra CO2 emissions caused by other road users.
During the picturesque journey to your impressive facilities, the lemonade got the better of me. Having stopped briefly for some welcomed bathroom facilities, I realised that on flushing the toilet, CO2 is used to control the alkaline pH level when processing our waste water in sewage treatment.
You should also note that whilst driving to your venue, regretfully, I failed to stop in time when a deer ran across the road. Sadly, I killed the deer instantly – the consequences of which meant that more CO2 would begin to leach in to the atmosphere because of the imminent decaying process of animal tissue. Although I was not driving at speed, the collision also caused highly compressed liquid CO2 (@ur momisugly 870psi) to rapidly inflate both my driver’s and passenger air bags. My engine also caught fire, but luckily, I used my emergency CO2 extinguisher to put out the flames successfully. The whole unfortunate event left me in shock. To help remedy this, and for medicinal purposes, I took a sip from my handy hip flask containing the finest malt whisky – which is distilled from beer that is naturally fermented using sugar and yeast – which produces CO2.
On my return journey home, feeling peckish, I stopped off and bought a coffee, a small bag of ‘Twiglets’ and a pre-packed ham sandwich. When calculating my footprint, please take in to consideration that CO2 is combined with other gases to replace the oxygen when packing food. Known as Modified Atmosphere Packaging or MAP, the process slows down the growth of mould and bacteria, and helps to increase “shelf-life” so that food stays fresher for longer. The process also reduces the need to put artificial additives and preservatives into our food. CO2 emissions were also increased as a bi-product of yeast fermentation when the bread for the sandwich was made in the factory – and when the large scale production line bread making equipment was cleaned down at the end of the baking shift, it was ‘sandblasted’ with liquid CO2 (dry ice) pellets – as is the norm for the industry. As for my bag of ‘Twiglets’: they where manufactured by adding Baking Powder and/or Bicarbonate of Soda to a slightly acidic wheat flour liquid. Sadly, this produced CO2, which ‘aerated’ the mix to give it its light texture. Twiglets are also flavoured with wonderfully knobbly bits of Marmite. Marmite is fermented yeast extract, a bi-product of the brewing industry. Loads of CO2 there. Please also allow for the fact that my coffee was decaffeinated – meaning that the raw coffee beans travelled down a 70ft column of CO2 fluid to neutralise and remove the caffeine. Unfortunately, the additional intestinal gas I produced as a reaction to the coffee and sandwiches’ resistance to my normal digestive enzymes meant that I farted. Please note that in addition to obnoxious smells, a typical fart is made up of 25% CO2 (plus 55% Nitrogen and 20% of flammable oxygen/methane/hydrogen mixture).
Finally, when my car was originally manufactured, CO2 was used in the rubber moulding for the tyres and gaskets, the casting of moulds for the metal panels and as a ‘shielding’ gas in the welding fabrication. Pressurised CO2 was used in the precision sealed beam laser cutting of all my car’s printed circuit boards, ceramics and acrylics.
I already pay hefty stealth taxes for driving my car – especially annual road tax based on CO2 emissions – and now you are offering me the opportunity to shell out even more money so people like you can profiteer from their tree-planting sideline business – and all because I should feel guilty about saving the planet. It is mind boggling that millions of people around the world should get so concerned about a temperature increase of one degree over the past one hundred years that they are prepared to financially penalise us for it.
For the record, despite my car’s engine size, I understand that what was coming out of my car’s exhaust is quite insignificant when compared to all the world’s manufactured CO2 gas that I used to ‘make things happen’ during the course of that day. CO2 is manufactured on a global scale by encompassing alkali metal hydroxides, calcium hydroxide, sodium or potassium carbonate, and organic absorbers. Molecular-sieve materials (using temperature or pressure cycling) complete the process. Most of this CO2 is then compressed into liquid, placed inside cylinders and sold to the manufacturing industry.
If CO2 is really a problem, then why are we not banning volcanic eruptions, sulpher springs, decaffeinated coffee, printed circuit boards, prawn crackers and people farting after eating brussel sprouts? Ethically speaking, you would be far better earning lots of money planting your trees to offset the collective ‘Carbon Footprint’ of compost heaps, wood burners, beer production, limescale removers, bread, wine, cakes, brick manufacture, cement production, Alka-Seltzer, inflatable life jackets, anti-tainting compounds, phenol (synthetic carbonic acid used in dyestuffs, colourants and plastics) and food miles for global distribution of staple foods such as citrus fruit, nuts, tea, coco, tinned tuna, pineapples & rice.
How much do I owe you?
Anon