G.P. Bear goes to Washington – part 9

By Bill Steigerwald

“Boxer blows her top”


“Senator Boxer,” Grandpa began, his powerful voice shaking the room, “I want to thank you for this opportunity to tell the American people the truth about polar bears.”

Senator Arlen Specter had already dozed off.

“The American public is constantly being told polar bears will be extinct in 50 years because global warming is causing the Arctic sea ice to melt. Well, senators, with all due respect, I’m here to tell you that’s a bunch of bull.”

Senator Inhofe snapped to attention, but most of the senators were distracted or reading the Washington Post sports pages. Senator Boxer didn’t hear what Grandpa said because she was asking a staffer to check if it would be legal for the Environmental Protection Agency to submit executives of foreign oil companies to waterboarding.

“Polar bears have lived on the Arctic sea ice for 250,000 years,” said Grandpa. “We know from eons of experience that the extent and thickness of the ice expands and contracts all the time because of complex natural changes in the climate and the chaotic interplay of seasonal polar winds, ocean currents and underwater volcanoes.”

Senator Franken was nervous – and confused. He couldn’t tell what the heck Grandpa was talking about or whose side he was on.

“I can assure you the Arctic sea ice will not melt anytime soon, if ever,” Grandpa continued, “no matter how much carbon humans put into the air. I also can assure you and your children that the species ursus maritimus will not become extinct in 38.8 years or in 10,000.

“But those are only some of the reasons I’ve come here to ask you – to beg you — not to place polar bears on the Endangered Species list.”

“Right on, Mr. Bear!” shouted Senator Inhofe.

“What did you just say, Mr. Bear?!!” shrieked Senator Boxer.

“I said I don’t want you to put polar bears on the Endangered Species list.”

“Senator Franken,” Senator Boxer exploded, “can you please explain to me how this witness – who obviously works for an oil company — got himself invited to our hearing? And without providing a written copy of his testimony in advance?”

“Ah, just whose side are you on, Mr. Bear?” asked Senator Franken, trying to be tough. “Big Oil’s? Big Coal’s? Big Propane’s?

“The polar bear’s,” Grandpa said. “Always.”

“How touching,” said Senator Franken, as he was handed a note by one of his staffers. “Ah, then what would you do to protect polar bears?”

“Nothing at all, Senator. That’s my point.”

“Is that so?” Senator Franken sneered, holding up the note. “My head of research, ah, Mr. Chase, informs me Greenland isn’t even part of the United States. It belongs to Denmark. Sir, you’re not even an American citizen. Ah, why should we listen to a word you say?”

“Because I was born in Alaska,” said Grandpa. “I moved to Greenland 20 years ago. Alaska had too many polar bears. We walked 3,153 miles in 576 days to get there.”

“Walked? You’d have to be a polar bear to walk from Alaska to Greenland, ha, ha, ha. Ah, is that what you are, Mr. Bear, a polar bear?” Senator Franken said sarcastically, laughing and looking over at Senator Boxer – who didn’t think his jokes were as funny as he did.

“Yes, I am,” said Grandpa, who was not under oath but always spoke the truth.

Everyone in the room laughed uproariously — except Mother, Junior and Senator Boxer.

“Mr. Bear!” scolded Senator Boxer. “You are making a mockery of these hearings! Another outrageous statement like that and I’ll have you removed!”

“But my Grandpa is a polar bear,” Junior cried out from the back of the hearing room.

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Pete M.
January 2, 2010 9:50 pm

I love the G.P. bear goes to Washington series !
Although out of context, I noticed that Google has decensored the “climategate” keyword from their autocomplete feature !

January 2, 2010 9:54 pm

This is great!
How about doing something on the freezing Florida manatees? The timing right now is perfect!

January 2, 2010 9:56 pm

I think I smell fresh seal.

January 2, 2010 10:11 pm

Every morning I like to put the national chill map on my blog, I don’t think the polar bears are having any problems at all.

January 2, 2010 10:32 pm

Do, err, would PBs eat manatees?
The more interesting question is what happens if pair of breeding PBs is placed in an Antarctic penguin breeding colony. Penguin lovers should be in favor of global warming to keep the two species apart.! 🙂

January 2, 2010 10:38 pm

(what Senator Boxer might have been saying):
It isn’t legal? Well, noooo… Not YET anyway! Ha ha! But once this BORING expert is done jackin’ his jaw, it will be seen as bold initiative against carbon criminals. What? No, he will. He’s an expert on polar bears! Why wouldn’t he justify this needed measure…?
(heads snaps toward GP Bear, eyes wide and angry in shock)
What did you just say Mr Bear?!

January 2, 2010 10:43 pm

The global warmers have their endangered polar bear… They are on the defensive. Now is the time to try to roll over them like General George Patton would with the manatee popcycles. There has to be something to hit them with here somewhere.
TALLAHASSEE, Florida — Biologists with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission’s (FWC) Fish and Wildlife Research Institute documented 419 manatee carcasses in state waters as of Dec. 11. This preliminary data indicates that the total number of manatee deaths for 2009 has surpassed the highest number on record for a calendar year.
Preliminary totals for 2009 will be available on Wednesday, Jan. 6, unless there is an unusually high number of manatee carcasses reported in the next two weeks. A statewide perspective on these numbers, including category breakdowns will be available at that time.

Gary Hladik
January 2, 2010 11:02 pm

I always enjoy the skewering of politicians. Thanks for running the G P Bear series.

Mike McMillan
January 2, 2010 11:31 pm

Ric Werme (22:32:40) :
Do, err, would PBs eat manatees?

Yes, when they catch manatees sunning themselves on the ice floes.

January 3, 2010 12:20 am

I can see the headlines, ‘Boxer Shorts’…

January 3, 2010 12:43 am

I`m gutted that gore got away 🙁

January 3, 2010 12:51 am

Remember the first rule of survival in Washington: “Never eat the liver of a Democrat.”
Highly toxic, due to the buildup of excessive excessives in The System…

January 3, 2010 2:40 am

Good education for the average Americans in kid’s language since most of them are a bit slow…hence the mess.

January 3, 2010 6:37 am

You need to look at temps where PB’s reside, ie The Great White North!
BTW the temps are in Celsius ie 0C is +32F and -40C is -40F
this is with wind chill:

January 3, 2010 9:18 am

(00:43:59) :
I`m gutted that gore got away 🙁
Well Gore doesn’t stay still long enough so as to not get hit by a truly pertinent, therefore totally unscripted, question. 😉

Rudy Espinoza
January 3, 2010 1:42 pm

This series is terrible. And I say this as a global warming skeptic.

Chris Edwards
January 3, 2010 7:35 pm

Sorry but this is great, the irony is mounting, the real thriller is what will happen to the goracle believers? I still like the “unfit to serve” list.

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