G. P. Bear goes to Washington: The true story of a freedom-loving carnivore

A writer friend of mine, Bill Steigerwald, has created an interesting serial story, a Christmasy “docu-fable” as he calls it. I’ll be running this over the next 12 days. Here’s the foreword on it. While I’ve had a bit of a detour today on Christmasy type things, tomorrow we’ll see our regular science features resume. – Anthony

George Orwell used satire and talking pigs in “Animal Farm.” Now, just in time for the Copenhagen climate conference, ClimateGate and the coming ice age, veteran libertarian journalist Bill Steigerwald shamelessly steals Orwell’s idea and uses talking polar bears to poke fun at global warming alarmists and their fellow travelers in Washington and the media.

Twisting the title of director Frank Capra’s movie masterpiece to his own ends, Steigerwald and his son Joe have created “G.P. Bear Goes to Washington: The True Story of a Freedom-Loving Carnivore.”

A 12-part serialized “docu-fable,” “G.P. Bear Goes to Washington” features real issues and real people. It stars Grandpa, a magical, media-savvy and proudly skeptical polar bear who understands his species is in far greater danger from the interventions of the federal government, Barbara Boxer, Al Gore, Leonard DiCaprio and overzealous wildlife scientists than from anthropogenic climate change.

G. P. Bear goes to Washington: The true story of a freedom-loving carnivore

Part 1

“Are we not polar bears?”

By Bill and Joe Steigerwald

Of all the animals the Inuit traditionally hunted, Nanuk, the polar bear, was the most prized. Native hunters considered Nanuk to be wise, powerful, and “almost a man.” Some called the bear “the great lonely roamer.” Many tribes told legends of strange polar-bear men that lived in igloos. These bears walked upright, just like men, and were able to talk. Natives believed they shed their skins in the privacy of their homes.

– Polar Bears International

This is a true story, except for everything that was made up to make it more dramatic or to mock someone. Any resemblance to real politicians, as well as any insult to the religious beliefs of global warming alarmists, is purely intentional.

TASIILAQ, EAST GREENLAND

Grandpa Polar Bear was relaxing in his easy chair watching a special news report on TV called “Plight of the Polar Bears.” As a mother bear and her cub stood forlornly on a tiny shrinking iceberg somewhere near the Arctic Circle, the dashing reporter from CNN sounded like he was going to cry.

“ … because of global climate change, polar bears are suffering population losses and may soon become extinct. Rising temperatures are melting the sea ice earlier and earlier each summer, leaving the bears less time to hunt for their primary food – ringed seals. If we don’t reduce our burning of fossil fuels soon, scientists say the only place our children will be able to see these magnificent creatures will be in a zoo or in a Walt Disney movie. For CNN, I’m Anderson Cooper.”

“Extinct!?” Grandpa roared, slapping the arms of his leather chair with his huge paws. “Melting sea ice!? Shrinking bear populations? Who writes this junk science, Al Gore?”

“Don’t get upset, Dad,” said Mother, looking up from her latest copy of Reason magazine. “It’s CNN. What do you expect? Fairness? Balance?”

“What were they saying about polar bears dying, Grandpa?” asked Junior, looking worried as he came in from the kitchen with a bottle of Coke.

“Nothing, Junior. Nothing,” Grandpa grumbled. “Just a lot of make-believe.”

After dinner, Grandpa read Junior a bedtime story. As Grandpa was about to turn off the nightlight, Junior asked, “Grandpa, why do you yell at the TV? The people in it can’t hear you.”

“I know,” Grandpa said with a smile. “They live far away in New York and Washington. That’s why they don’t know anything about polar bears or the Arctic.”

Junior looked anxiously at Grandpa. “Mother said your heart will get attacked if you keep yelling at the news.”

“Don’t you worry,” Grandpa chuckled. “I just get mad when humans make us look like sissies who can’t handle a little change in the weather. We’re polar bears, for Pete’s sake. We’re not helpless victims. We don’t need the government, Keith Olbermann, Greenpeace, Leonardo DiCaprio or anyone else to protect us from Mother Nature.

“If humans just left us alone – and if their scientists stopped chasing us with helicopters and shooting us with dart guns – we’d be fine.”

“Why don’t you go to where the humans on TV live and yell at them?” wondered Junior. “Everyone always listens when you yell.”

“They wouldn’t believe a thing I’d tell them. But that’s a good idea, Junior,” Grandpa said, clicking off the nightlight. “A darn good idea. ”

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35 thoughts on “G. P. Bear goes to Washington: The true story of a freedom-loving carnivore

  1. HaHa!
    Google ad “Help Coke in their effort to protect polar bears & their habitat” immediately followed the article. Oh the Irony bits… [just spit ’em out and move ahead]
    Can’t wait for the Liberals to fund a seal farm and drop seals in the laps of the polar bears, because Liberals know best: a dependent population can’t help but love their masters…

  2. The truth is something unbearable to guys like Gore. As an interesting side note there were some polar bear pictures in the UK Telegraph today: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/picturegalleries/6866598/International-Travel-Photographer-of-the-Year-2009-competition-winners.html?image=14 and http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/picturegalleries/6866598/International-Travel-Photographer-of-the-Year-2009-competition-winners.html?image=20
    Polar bears think that man tastes like pig. They are the only bears that will stalk and kill humans for food.

  3. Aw foo, I will let people Google it for themselves then. A merry boxer day. Noted in passing this was published in two parts. The second part was published on 12/23/09. No peeking involved.

  4. When it comes to global warming: ” The facts mam just the bear facts.” May all us bears have a good season with the dead whales and the seals we catch,
    As a note, I gave my wife a “Beary Xmas” bear for Xmas and she gave me a casting of a male groom carrying his female bear wife over the transom.
    When you are on the internet, nobody knows if you are a bear.

  5. A Quebecois friend was staying with us in Paris a few years back and during a visit to the city by a group of Inuits giving concerts and dance demonstrations had the pleasant job of taking them round. One day he was sitting in the Metro beside an old Inuit who was looking at the commuters in the train. Suddenly he turned and said, “They look like polar bears!”
    Don’t ask me why, although if an Inuit reads this blog, he might have an idea.

  6. By the way, that was a nice shoot of cousin Rodney that you put up as a graphic for the story. If I can get it full resolution, I can print and frame it and give it to my brother to put on the mantle piece. You know how families are,,,,

  7. ShrNfr (23:07:19) “Polar bears think that man tastes like pig. They are the only bears that will stalk and kill humans for food.”
    Urban myth, grizzlies and black bears will at times become predatory.

  8. …..and in a fitting twist of poetic justice, the following day Junior is on the pack ice and finds the parachuting penguin from Build-A-Bear’s indoctrination video. Nature takes it’s course, however is much too graphic to be shown to minors.

  9. Perhaps the bears (and anyone) else can help correct the misinformation in this ABC (Australian Government media organisation) posting.
    Hold your stomach as you check details of the Medieval Warm Period. Tales of Arctic sea passages open for the first time in 125,000 years will drag up the deepest bile that remains. I have sent a formal complaint to the ABC.
    http://www.abc.net.au/innovation/environment/cc_timeline.html

  10. A Polar bear asks AL Gore,
    “When having a dump,do you find the sh*t sticks to your fur?”
    “No” replied Gore.
    So the bear picked him up and wiped his ass with him.

  11. But our Northern Cousins would be wise to fear the Great Grizzly Koala.
    We only show the babies on the post cards, the elder Grizzly Koalas hunt croc and blokes, but they spit out shiealas.
    Never be caught in the outback without anti Koala spray, give me a pm and I will sell any trepid nothern explorer coming this way, some. Cheaper than Al Gore would sell it you.
    You wear my spray you wont see hide nor hair of the great Grissly Koala. I promise you or your 50$ back. No questions asked.
    (The big ones are land bound we just dont have gum trees big enough, that’s why they cross over from veg to meat, freaken stoners).

  12. MarcHare, I do not watch or entertain any thing the ABC does on climate or science, they are a Public service disgrace front to back.
    Once they were cutting edge, but now they are just side show of left wing media circus freakers.
    Not even good enough for crow bait.
    Once they were the best, now it’s just a politicla side show and their instruments of creation and behavior show their ethics. None that they would obey.

  13. Well I have just complained to the UK ASA about a WWF advert on Sky news which was obviously made by the same CNN reporter as Grandpa Polar Bear watched!

  14. @MarcH very poor show indeed from ABC. I have replied to some of the comments on their website, I wonder will they be as sensitive or censorious as the Indians at IndiaExpress who refuse to publish the list of connections to business that Pachauri has. OZ needs better than this propaganda from its national broadcaster ,they are as corrupt as the BBC

  15. They are the only bears that will stalk and kill humans for food.
    That would be more accurate stated as “They are the only bears that *normally* stalk and kill humans for food.”
    That was one of three statements my Cold Weather Survival instructors hammered into us, along with
    1. “Don’t Panic”
    2. “Keep Your Clothes Dry”
    3. “A Man With A Knife May Survive In The Arctic, But A Man Without A Knife Will Die”
    And “Never Eat The Liver Of A Polar Bear.”
    Ummmm, four. That was one of four statements my Cold Weather Survival instructors hammered into us…

  16. MarcH (01:09:15) :

    Perhaps the bears (and anyone) else can help correct the misinformation in this ABC (Australian Government media organisation) posting.
    Hold your stomach as you check details of the Medieval Warm Period. Tales of Arctic sea passages open for the first time in 125,000 years will drag up the deepest bile that remains. I have sent a formal complaint to the ABC.
    http://www.abc.net.au/innovation/environment/cc_timeline.html

    I too sent a complaint. I don’t know if it was formal or not.
    I complained about the misleading statements regarding the range of the MWP. They stated it was ‘warm weather in the Northern Hemisphere’. I supplied the science indicating it was a global event. I also pointed out it was as misleading as describing the American Civil War as a ‘series of battles in the Southern United States’. Technically, both are correct statements, but are misleading as the biggest battle of the war was fought in Gettysburg, PA.
    The comments of the Vikings was also misleading. They did more than just sail as far west as Greenland. They grew wheat, barley, and raised cattle and sheep there as well. Apparently the Polar Bears had no problem getting through the MWP either, as they are still with us and thriving.
    Won’t do any good.

  17. How do bears know humans taste like pig? And nc, you’re absolutely right: blacks and browns (maybe no difference) and grizzlies will predate upon us.
    Can’t we ask our own posters to jumpstart their brains, and leave the stupidity and ignorance to others and elsewhere? Please, ShrNfr?

  18. Ahhh … something to look forward to reading for the next couple weeks. I’ll forego the usual Google search and enjoy this treat.
    BTW, it’s interesting to see a serialized story like this appearing on a blog — the new information media. Consider how many well known writers of the past would write serialized stories for newspapers or journals of old. The Count of Monte Cristo originally appeared in such a fashion from 1844 to 1845, or, in a lighter vein, The Adventures of Pinocchio in 1883.

  19. John Wright (00:00:53) :
    One day he was sitting in the Metro beside an old Inuit who was looking at the commuters in the train. Suddenly he turned and said, “They look like polar bears!”
    Don’t ask me why, although if an Inuit reads this blog, he might have an idea.

    Maybe the old Inuit was suffering from Polar Bear liver withdrawal?
    Or, the Inuit says, “It’s simple, you greenhorn! Because of ‘unprecedented’ Arctic ice loss and warming, the Polar Bears have removed their coats and come South to find new prey, concerning which they have obviously been quite successful – also finding the removal of their coats a very fine tactic toward this end. Do I now also have to explain to you the birds and the bees?”

  20. Never be caught in the outback without anti Koala spray…
    Capn, concentrated CO2 works best, especially with my patented herbal facilitator, which also works personally much like Extendz. And don’t let anyone tell you that heavy breathing at close range does any good at all, at least against Koalas.

  21. “…Leonard DiCaprio and overzealous wildlife scientists than from anthropogenic climate change.”
    Leo rang to say he’s miffed at the truncated vowel at the end of his first name. But Happy New Year to skeptics – even if they don’t deserve it!

  22. ShrNfr (23:07:19) :
    The truth is something unbearable to guys like Gore. As an interesting side note there were some polar bear pictures in the UK Telegraph today: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/picturegalleries/6866598/International-Travel-Photographer-of-the-Year-2009-competition-winners.html?image=14 and http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/picturegalleries/6866598/International-Travel-Photographer-of-the-Year-2009-competition-winners.html?image=20
    Polar bears think that man tastes like pig. They are the only bears that will stalk and kill humans for food.

    This can be summed up as such:
    Gore = ManBearPig
    (for those scratching their heads, search for the South Park ‘manbearpig’ episode)

  23. Thanks for all the corrections and amplifications as to the fact that I am not the only bear around that eats humans. Jr. bear is lucky to be around too. The males will just as soon eat the cubs as anything else. I am not a warm snugly fuzzy wuzzy type of bear.

  24. What I would love to see are the yearly polar bear population levels, compared with when they were labeled as “endangered”.

  25. Just an update ,ABC did not publish my little message. The BBC do just the same when I try to post comments and yet the Telegraph will publish the not-to-gentle abuse hurtled at Lean and Gray [ not abuse from me BTW ] There must be a moral here somewhere , could it be “do not allow the state to control any part of the MSM “?

  26. As I said on another string, I love the Papa Bear story so far and reckon it would make a great book for kids of all ages. As relevant as any of Aesop’s fables. I’d love to have the chance to illustrate it, too!

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