News Flash by Kip Hansen — 26 March 2024
As the Anthropogenic Climate Crisis intensifies, the U.S. Federal government has rushed to the aid of our planet. In a truly beneficent act, the government is providing $170,900,000 (in words it sounds even more impressive: one hundred and seventy million, nine hundred thousand dollars) to Save The Planet through Green Macaroni.
You may not have known that the production of macaroni (with or without cheese) has been endangering all life on Earth – a literal existential threat — but it is apparently true — $170 million worth of true.
As reported in the always faithful New York Times:
“Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm said Monday that her agency would partially fund 33 different projects in 20 states to test methods for curbing emissions from a wide variety of factories and industrial plants, calling it ‘the single largest industrial decarbonization investment in American history.’….”Kraft Heinz, a food manufacturer, would get up to $170.9 million to install electric boilers and heat pumps at 10 facilities across the country, where they would be used to generate the large amounts of heat needed for things like drying macaroni without directly burning fossil fuels.”
Haven’t we always told you that the government is here to help you, the common man, have a better and happier life?
Soon you will be able to help Save the Planet® by eating Green Macaroni.
Enjoy!
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Someone needs to start a website or blog that hands out the “Green Macaroni” award to whoever concocts this idiocies.
It would be similar to the Darwin Awards.
You understand.
At first, I was almost on-board, because I glanced at the photograph first.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered it wasn’t traditional UK mushy peas (with vinegar). No sarcasm. Pasta is for poodles.
“As the Anthropogenic Climate Crisis intensifies”
That’s where I stopped reading. If something starts at zero and intensifies, it’s still just more nothing. Just like the intellect of the morons who push this nonsense.
Thanks.
So the subtitle must have gotten cut off and slightly inaccurate.
Energy Dept. Awards $6 Billion for Green Steel, Cement and Even Macaroni Factories
Industries produce 25 percent of America’s planet-warming emissions but so far have proved very hard to clean up. The Biden administration
is trying.is however, successfully bankrupting the country in trying.Why not just partner with with Kitchen Aid and send people a stand-up mixer and pasta attachment. Nothing better than homemade pasta… with that money can send about 430,000 high end machines.
They would have to set aside their smart phones and do some actual beneficial activities.
Panem et cecenses.