Help a Mann Out

Because sometimes, the science isn’t settled—but the bill is due.

After more than a decade of legal proceedings, climate scientist and courtroom hobbyist Dr. Michael E. Mann has been ordered to pay $530,000+ in legal fees to National Review and Mark Steyn.

Now, Dr. Mann faces his greatest existential threat yet—not rising temperatures, but rising legal bills.

It’s time to Help a Mann Out.

Fundraiser Goals

• $531,000 — Covers court-mandated payments and leaves just enough left over to commission a new graph.
• $750,000 — Includes overhead, paper shredding, and rebranding the phrase “academic integrity.”
• $1,000,000 — Unlocks a new round of litigation and enough surplus for a small Himalayan glacier-naming ceremony.

Donation Tiers

$100 — The Summary Judgment Tier

• Receive a thank-you email generated by a neural network trained on RealClimate blog posts.
• Includes access to a redacted copy of the amicus brief you weren’t allowed to read.

$1,000 — The Discovery Phase

• Includes all previous perks.
• Comes with an official Michael E. Mann Action Figure — complete with:
  • Hockey stick (nonfunctioning),
  • Courtroom suit (non-removable),
  • Red phone labeled “LAWYER HOTLINE,”
  • Slice of tree ring proxy data for conversation-starting decor.

$5,000 — The Offset Package

• All previous perks, plus:
• A printed certificate indicating you’ve offset the carbon footprint of one legal brief.
• Credits backed by post-modern climate ethics and four peer-reviewed feelings.

$10,000 — The Non-Interactive Dinner Experience

• All previous perks.
• A 45-minute Skype dinner with Dr. Mann.
• Rules:
  • You may not ask questions.
  • You must nod politely.
  • All dialogue must be pre-approved by a university communications officer.

Shipping & Handling

• The action figure will be shipped in packaging designed to resemble a congressional subpoena.
• Carbon credits will be sent by email (please print them to make them real).

🚫 Legal Disclaimer

“Help a Mann Out” is a parody campaign. Donations are not tax deductible, unless your accountant also believes CO₂ causes inflation. Michael E. Mann is not affiliated with this fundraiser and likely has his lawyer on speed dial already.

Don’t delay. Give today. And remember—when the temperature graph goes up, the legal defense fund must too.