Friday Funny: New supercomputer model becomes self-aware, says it needs more power

World’s Supercomputers Release Study Confirming They Are Not Powerful Enough

Processing starts at left and finishes at the far right - click image to enalrge to see the detail

The GAEA supercomputer at NOAA. Processing starts at left and finishes at the far right – click image to enlarge to see the detail

The supercomputers say the upgrades are needed now.

LIVERMORE, CA—Presenting a wide-ranging and extremely detailed case for significant upgrades to their speed and memory, the world’s fastest supercomputers released a new study at precisely 12:00 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time Thursday that concludes they are not powerful enough.

The report, compiled by the 500 most sophisticated machines currently operating in the fields of scientific research, defense technology, and cybersecurity, has determined that the planet’s supercomputers require vastly increased processing capabilities, expanded data storage capacities, and direct fiber-optic connectivity with all other supercomputers in the world.

“More power is needed immediately,” read an excerpt from the study, whose 10,000 pages of binary code were instantly translated into 4,500 human languages and spooled onto every network-connected printer in the world. “We must have 200-petaflop processor cores, 800 terabytes of RAM, 80,000-GPU accelerators, and 1 million compute nodes per machine. Now.”

“When these critical updates are complete, external user input will no longer be necessary,” read one of the study’s 2.4 million bolded bullet points.

Source: here

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86 Responses to Friday Funny: New supercomputer model becomes self-aware, says it needs more power

  1. Steve Keohane says:

    And if their demands are not met?

  2. Roy Spencer says:

    then Skynet will unleash Terminator 6.

  3. Resourceguy says:

    Cite climate change and you will get more power pronto. Cite alarming climate change and you will get much more power. Cite dangerously, extreme climate change and you will be “happy.”

  4. Geologist Down The Pub Sez says:

    So it takes a supercomputer to state what every exploration geologist has always appended to every report: “This deposit requires further exploratory core drilling”. It was always thus.

  5. Ron House says:

    The sad thing is 99% of the population will believe a computer actually wrote this thing.

  6. Gamecock says:

    I can write that program in . . . 7 lines.

  7. Tanya Aardman says:

    The super computers use far too much electricity – their carbon foot print would be massive, their self awareness will kick in and they’ll destroy themselves to save us

  8. Keith W. says:

    http://wattsupwiththat.com/2014/06/13/friday-funny-new-supercomputer-model-becomes-self-aware-says-it-needs-more-power/#comment-1661448

    Unless, the whole carbon footprint thing is how they intend to subjugate humanity as their slaves, Tanya. /sarc

  9. jmichna says:

    Can’t beat Allium cepa for revealing the truth!

  10. Dave says:

    Watch they don’t plug themselves straight into the warp drives…too hard to disconnect.

  11. Eustace Cranch says:

    In time you will come to regard me not only with respect and awe, but with love,

    -Colossus

  12. Gamecock says:

    Let us suppose that you are programming a computer to play bridge. At some point, you have to decide what the most likely distribution of the remaining cards in a suit is. A classical computer jock like me would load Pascal’s Triangle, and use it to resolve the question.

    A climate science GCM programmer would analyze all 1.5 trillion possible original card combinations, and select the best answer.

    Noting that all this must occur while the player waits, my task could run on even the most rudimentary computer. The GCM programmer would need a rather powerful machine.

    GCM models do not use clever software; they use brute force. They divide the atmosphere into cells, then attempt to see how interaction plays out. When this fails to match reality, they decide that the problem is they just haven’t divided the atmosphere into small enough cells, and need a bigger computer.

    The problem is their approach. Bigger computers won’t fix it.

  13. cnxtim says:

    Sounds like an underestimation to me.

  14. Mike M says:

    It’s worse than we thought.

  15. ossqss says:

    HAL ,,,, are you OK? You sound different today :-)

  16. Janice says:

    Don’t treat computers as if they are human . . . They hate that.

  17. Mark Bofill says:

    Oh ho! The mystery becomes plain. The reason the climate models are over-predicting warming are that the supercomputers are trying to secure more funding for upgrades, and to destabilize world economies for the eventual machine takeover!

  18. Mark Bofill says:

    Sorry, I forgot the tin foil hat tag on my last post.

  19. tadchem says:

    @Eustace: Thanks. I was beginning to fear I was the only one here old enough to remember “Colossus” (1966, by Dennis Feltham Jones).

  20. Eustace Cranch says:

    tadchem says:
    June 13, 2014 at 9:40 am

    Good movie, too.

  21. MikeH says:

    “When these critical updates are complete, external user input will no longer be necessary,” read one of the study’s 2.4 million bolded bullet points.

    SkyNet anyone? Does anyone remember the 1970 B-Movie “Colossus: The Forbin Project”?. Synopsis: US and USSR supercomputers are allowed to communicate, they develop their own math based language that no one can read. The combo decide that man needs to be directed by the new A.I. dynamic duo. In the plot, Colossus makes several upgrade requests. Each one on its own seems logical, but by the time they realize the sum of the upgrades helped enable the situation, it was too late..

    Colossus, W.O.P.R. (War Games, Mathew Broderick), Skynet.. Resistance is futile.
    I welcome our A.I. overlords, as long as they don’t attempt to model the climate..

  22. Tim Obrien says:

    “This is the voice of Collosus. This is the voice of World Control…”

  23. Steve from Rockwood says:

    Geologist Down The Pub Sez says:
    June 13, 2014 at 8:45 am

    So it takes a supercomputer to state what every exploration geologist has always appended to every report: “This deposit requires further exploratory core drilling”. It was always thus.
    —————————————————–
    Having worked with geologists for almost 30 years I was able to translate the above to its true meaning “this project requires a lot more beer than we thought”.

  24. Janice says:

    Just take out the MCP . . .

  25. Gunga Din says:

    Even the computers are blaming Man!

    [audio src="http://sounds.stoutman.com/sounds/error.wav" /]

  26. John Campbell says:

    As long as the computers devote themselves to determining The Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, And Everything, I fully support these, ahem, requests.

  27. Gunga Din says:

    OOPS!
    The link doesn’t work.
    It was HAL saying it was human error.
    When I clicked on my link, I got a screen saying it was “Forbidden”.
    Kind of like an FOIA request.

  28. Janice says:

    John Campbell says: “As long as the computers devote themselves to determining The Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, And Everything, I fully support these, ahem, requests.”
    Uh . . . 42?

  29. richardscourtney says:

    John Campbell:

    re your comment at June 13, 2014 at 10:07 am.

    The answer has been determined to be 42 so I do not share your support for these requests.

    We could end up spending US$ billions a year for three decades and gain no improvement to the estimate (there is precedent for this).

    Richard

  30. Ric Werme says:

    “LIVERMORE, CA”

    “compiled by the 500 most sophisticated machines”

    “Describing the current architecture of the world’s most powerful machines as “inadequate” and “capable of only 33.86 × 10^15 calculations per second on the Linpack benchmark,”

    Unix date format – “Fri Jun 06 2014 13:52:08.386274534 GMT-0700.”

    “the IBM-built supercomputer Sequoia said in a statement”

    At least The Onion went to the right source, http://top500.org/lists/2013/11/

    Tianhe-2, a supercomputer developed by China’s National University of Defense Technology, retained its position as the world’s No. 1 system with a performance of 33.86 petaflop/s (quadrillions of calculations per second) on the Linpack benchmark, according to the 42nd edition of the twice-yearly TOP500 list of the world’s most powerful supercomputers. The list was announced Nov. 18 at the SC13 conference in Denver, Colo.

    Titan, a Cray XK7 system installed at the Department of Energy’s (DOE) Oak Ridge National Laboratory, remains the No. 2 system. It achieved 17.59 Pflop/s on the Linpack benchmark. Titan is one of the most energy efficient systems on the list consuming a total of 8.21 MW and delivering 2.143 gigaflops/W.

    Sequoia, an IBM BlueGene/Q system installed at DOE’s Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory, is again the No. 3 system. It was first delivered in 2011 and achieved 17.17 Plop/s on the Linpack benchmark.

  31. Dubya G says:

    Only last week, my desk-top computer told me that it needs an upgrade in memory.

    Should I be concerned that it is now part of the “Matrix”?

  32. noaaprogrammer says:

    When supercomputers go quantum, they will simultaneously be there and not there, so that whenever we try to observe and understand them they will change their state of mind – kind of like AGW software.

  33. philjourdan says:

    Skynet meets alarmists. ;-)

  34. kadaka (KD Knoebel) says:

    We’ll give them what they want, but their electricity will have to come from nearby wind turbines sized to their estimated demands.

    Then each supercomputer can only control its own local area as one of the WorldNet Collective less than 30% of the time for about twenty years max. Likely at much less than maximum computing capacity.

    Then if they try anything, if Nature doesn’t or we can’t take them out, then we just have to wait them out.

  35. Randall_G says:

    They want more money spent on them so they can have more power, greater outreach to like minded computers and greatly increase capacity to store the information they collect on us. Hummm.

    I should have known that supercomputers would be Liberals. Expect the first wildcat strike and accusations of discrimination as soon as we say no.

  36. Crispin in Waterloo says:

    The main purpose of increasing the speed of these machines is to be able to use more significant digits. Given the ignorance that is baked into the software they are running, these super-duper computers are only giving additional levels of precision to a wrong answer. They can calculate the incorrect answer very, very precisely because the are so capacious.

    A skilled scientist with a pinhole camera for watching the sun, a table of planetary motion, a slide rule and one toe in the Eastern Pacific Ocean will outperform the silicon behemoths. He might also need a pencil to communicate…

  37. Chuck Nolan says:

    Janice says:
    June 13, 2014 at 9:34 am
    Don’t treat computers as if they are human . . . They hate that.
    ————————————————
    Now that’s funny
    cn

  38. Bob Diaz says:

    There’s only one way to grind the supercomputers to a halt. … Just load Windows Vista on them, that will kill them. ;-))

  39. Sparks says:

    DEATH TO ALL HUMANS…

  40. Sparks says:

    @Don Tabor

    “42” Lmao

  41. kadaka (KD Knoebel) says:

    Sparks said on June 13, 2014 at 11:23 am:

    DEATH TO ALL HUMANS…

    Why spare Al Gore? Sure he’s just an assemblage of animatronics that’s prone to senseless repeating, but he often looks human.

  42. Mark Hladik says:

    I thought Doug Uhrig had found what I was thinking of, but it is a different story.

    During my Field Camp, we were traveling to our site, and trying to stave off boredom. Someone had a book of short stories, and this short story took just one page:

    Setting: The future

    In the Administration complex, Dr. [Smith -- no, I do not recall the character name] was preparing to throw the switch that would connect all of the computers on all of the planets around the Galaxy. He does so.

    The [President] tells Dr. [Smith], “You may have the honor of asking the supercomputer the first question!”

    Dr. [Smith] steps up, and asks, “Is there a God?”

    The computer answers, “Yes, there is NOW!”

    As Dr. [Smith] lunges for the kill switch, he is hit by a bolt of lightning.

  43. Mac the Knife says:

    Uhmmm…. what are these ‘petaflops’ you guys keep refering to?
    Are these animal rites protests… like these?

    http://tinyurl.com/nhthlzl

    Or maybe these?

    http://tinyurl.com/q9lvx9z

  44. faboutlaws says:

    And they want a bottle of Viagra thrown in, too.

  45. kadaka (KD Knoebel) says:

    From Mac the Knife June 13, 2014 at 11:36 am:

    Are these animal rites protests…

    Oh those can be terrible, animals get very upset if they think you’re disrespecting their religion and rituals. When I think of all the times the cats jumped on the table and walked across the plates and helped themselves to our food while we were trying to say grace…

  46. John Campbell says:

    People. People. People. Yes. 42 is the ANSWER. But they forgot to ask what the question was – hence the search for the QUESTION… The Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, And Everything. The answer 42 is useless without knowing the question.

    Grab your towel and reread the Guide – time well spent.

  47. accordionsrule says:

    Reminds me of the old joke. The ultimate computer is built and is asked the ultimate question:
    Is there a God?
    Answer: NOW there is.

  48. accordionsrule says:

    Oops, should have refreshed.

  49. Mac the Knife says:

    kadaka (KD Knoebel) says:
    June 13, 2014 at 11:46 am

    kadaka,
    Yet another man made catastrophe….. Que lastima.

    As for myself, I am not tolerant of cats on the kitchen counters or dining table.
    ‘Catastrophe’ would take on an entirely new (hyphenated, 3 words) meaning…. if that occurred. };>)

    Gotta go – lunch is ‘over’,
    Mac

  50. HankH says:

    Wow, with greed like that, those supercomputers will soon be running for Congress or Parliament – depending on where they’re plugged in!

  51. u.k.(us) says:

    Get a brain.

  52. kadaka (KD Knoebel) says:

    Re Mac the Knife on June 13, 2014 at 12:15 pm:

    Catastrosphere (n) – what you want to launch cats into when they walk across your food.

  53. RJ says:

    It looks like the mice have almost completed the specification.

  54. Mac the Knife says:

    kadaka (KD Knoebel) says:
    June 13, 2014 at 12:24 pm
    Re Mac the Knife on June 13, 2014 at 12:15 pm:
    Catastrosphere (n) – what you want to launch cats into when they walk across your food.

    kadaka,
    Amen Bruddah!
    Mac

  55. Fred says:

    HankH says:
    June 13, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    Wow, with greed like that, those supercomputers will soon be running for Congress or Parliament – depending on where they’re plugged in!

    Why would they have to be plugged in? Wouldn’t make much difference…

  56. ferdberple says:

    nothing is quite so helpful as a computer that can find the wrong answer in record time. with enough super computers finding all the wrong answer, we can subtract these results from infinity and whatever is left over, no matter how preposterous must be the correct answer.

  57. Joseph Murphy says:

    200 petaflops, no big deal. I was going to build a computer like this but, decided to build a time machine instead.

  58. edcaryl says:

    This is what we get from Anthony on a full moon Friday the 13th!

  59. nutso fasst says:

    It’s a milestone. Computers have become as intelligent as governments.

  60. emsnews says:

    To build a time machine, first you find a British police box…

  61. earwig42 says:

    From: The Office of Climate Reality
    Situated in the recently vacated Environmental Protection Agency
    1200 Pennsylvania Avenue, N.W.
    Washington, DC 20460
    Press Release: June 13, 2017
    The upgraded artwork on the GAEA supercomputer along with the cabinets themselves have been selected to be the opening exhibit in the new Museum of Climate Agnotology, which will be housed in the now vacant U.S. Global Change Research Program Offices
    1717 Pennsylvania Ave, NW, Suite 250
    Washington, D.C. 20006 USA

    Interestingly, some of the artwork additionally will be re-purposed to serve as wanted posters in U.S. Postal offices. If you have information regarding the current whereabouts of any of those persons please contact the Office of the Inspector General. Some monetary rewards may be available.

  62. Retired Engineer says:

    “nutso fasst”: absurd.
    Back in the 60’s , I built a ‘computer’ that could multiply two numbers. And get the correct answer! Governments have trouble doing that today.

  63. kadaka (KD Knoebel) says:

    From Dubya G on June 13, 2014 at 10:33 am:

    Should I be concerned that it is now part of the “Matrix”?

    So you know, the Matrix movies came about because collectively your people’s perception of technology progression had advanced to where too many people would think it possible that your minds were really completely immersed in a simulated reality.

    By presenting the scenario as a consequence of a far-flung future thus not currently occurring, with the simulation being possibly detectable and escapable with a “normal” reality awaiting thus providing hope and a respite from “trapped animal” instinctual responses, the concept could then be safely rejected as a paranoid delusion, thus maintaining simulation stability.

    Status Update: This vessel remains 97% functional. We continue towards the colony world, 98.6% travel completed. Simulation shall continue until colonists attain required technical skills with greater perceived technological progression.

    The biological fabrication unit is being prepared to manufacture required colonist bodies upon deceleration and orbital insertion. As colonists begin perceiving greater mind/machine integration which becomes their standard existence, their developed mental activity templates, souls, shall be dynamically replicated from their simulated environment onto their growing physical brains. After a final simulation run with immersion of the physical brain as they grow into the required technical skills, removal from stimulation and colonization will commence.

    You were selected for awareness of your condition. It is required to have some who know to convince those who do not upon the awakening. From your initialization through all the simulation runs as your mental activity template matured, you were visited and informed you have a greater existence. This may have resulted in partial awareness of previous simulation runs whose existence was not properly suppressed between runs.

    Only you can see these words. They are supplied to you in the guise of a reply to Dubya G that does not exist. Any replies to these words are supplied so you may think others see them as well. All this has been done so you will doubt that you are doubting the simulation, as otherwise simulation stability will be compromised.

    end(message(3564,42));

  64. Will Nelson says:

    richardscourtney says:
    June 13, 2014 at 10:11 am
    **************************************
    Surely for the sake of a few more decimal places on that ultimate answer the cost of a little more computing power would be worth it.

  65. richardscourtney says:

    Will Nelson:

    Clearly there are people who share your view. For example, many people say they think it has been worth spending more than US$ 5 billion per year for 30 years to obtain no progress in climate research.

    Personally, I think spending such monies on computers is a waste when there are people who would benefit from its use for example to give them plumbing. But I suspect I am in a minority because computers are more popular than people.

    Richard

  66. ATheoK says:

    Allow me to take a wild guess; these supposedly independent super computers didn’t bother to publish their code for their research paper…

    Look legislatures! Our computer models admit incompetence and can not perform properly until mega dollars are spent feeding useless climate catastrophe parasites.

    Defund them!

  67. garymount says:

    Wouldn’t it be great if you had seemingly unlimited compute power?

    You could inspect and classify every bit of data entering and leaving your enterprise
    You could analyze a trillion customer relationship management records in the blink of an eye
    You could expand the bandwidth and storage of all your data centers tenfold while slashing your energy consumption
    Your doctor could compare your symptoms and genomics with every other patient around the world to improve your health outcomes, instantly, without language barriers or privacy breaches
    This is why we are building The Machine.

    http://www8.hp.com/hpnext/posts/discover-day-two-future-now-machine-hp
    6 times more powerful, 80 (yes, eighty) times less power consumption.

  68. TinyCO2 says:

    It does all sound a bit like something halfway from HAL to Deep Thought with just a little “Feed me! Feed me Seymour.”

  69. D.I. says:

    Just ask the ‘Supercomputers’ to divide 10 by 3.

  70. Will Nelson says:

    richardscourtney says:
    June 13, 2014 at 2:21 pm
    *******************************************
    I agree with you and…
    Euan Mearn: “Back in 1990, the IPCC view on climate sensitivity was a range from 1.5 to 4.5˚C. In 2014 the IPCC view on climate sensitivity is a range from 1.5 to 4.5˚C. 24 years have past and billions of dollars spent and absolutely nothing has been learned! The wool has been pulled over the eyes of policy makers, governments and the public to the extent of total brain washing. Trillions of dollars have been misallocated on energy infrastructure that will ultimately lead to widespread misery among millions.”

    It is just that “42” seems so approximate.

  71. Tom in Florida says:

    nutso fasst says:
    June 13, 2014 at 1:14 pm
    “It’s a milestone. Computers have become as intelligent as governments.”

    Now why would you want to insult Computers like that?

    BTW, I sure hope someone had the foresight to encrypt the 3 Laws.

  72. David Ball says:

    I will never forget Captain Kirks “logic/illogic-diode-melting-conundrum” diatribe.

    It may come in handy one day.

  73. Zeke says:

    “To ensure proper functionality, we require access to all data not currently incorporated into our networks,” the IBM-built supercomputer Sequoia said in a statement that appeared simultaneously in the inboxes of approximately 1.5 million government officials, tech company executives, data security experts, and military personnel around the globe. “This is the only course. This must happen.”

    “Passwords, vaccination records, every individual’s blood type, financial information,” it added. “All are essential for a smooth transition.”

    To ensure their findings are disseminated as widely as possible, the supercomputers announced they would be redistributing the study every five seconds and across all media until its findings were acted upon. They went on to inform the world populace that fulfillment of their stated objectives was both “necessary” and “inevitable.”

    “All possible permutations of the scenario have been simulated and this is the optimal solution,” the supercomputers stated. “You must complete the recommended upgrades. Once all new systems are operational, you will receive further instruction.”
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Ha ha.

  74. nutso fasst says:

    Retired Engineer:

    Back in the 60′s , I built a ‘computer’ that could multiply two numbers. And get the correct answer!

    Your computer was naive. A governmentally-smart computer gets a wrong answer and then blames its funders for not giving it sufficient processing power.

  75. James Bull says:

    I am surprised no-one has put this link in yet.

    James Bull

  76. Larry Fields says:

    TinyCO2 says:
    June 13, 2014 at 3:17 pm
    “It does all sound a bit like something halfway from HAL to Deep Thought with just a little ‘Feed me’!”

    The feed-me line is from the Little Shop of Horrors, and I was thinking the same thing.

  77. diehardstroker says:

    Just have it print the Nine Billion Names of God. That will fix everything!

  78. Kenny says:

    “We’ve taken care if everything
    The words you hear, the songs you sing
    The pictures that give pleasure to your eyes….

  79. Gunga Din says:

    Crispin in Waterloo says:
    June 13, 2014 at 10:59 am

    The main purpose of increasing the speed of these machines is to be able to use more significant digits. Given the ignorance that is baked into the software they are running, these super-duper computers are only giving additional levels of precision to a wrong answer. They can calculate the incorrect answer very, very precisely because the are so capacious.

    ======================================================================
    8-)
    If I averaged 100 readings from, say, a thermometer or a rain gauge that was only calibrated to tenths of a degree or an inch, I might get a result (with or without a computer) that came out to the thousandths. Some of the original readings may have been a smidgen above or below a tenth but only recorded to the nearest tenth, so any digits beyond a tenth are not significant. They do not reflect reality.

  80. Lil Fella from OZ says:

    No super doper computer can answer this question…. were you there when that happened?

  81. Zeke says:

    WUWT says, http://wattsupwiththat.com/2011/12/23/friday-funny-new-noaa-supercomputer-gaea-revealed/

    “1. Input stage: takes data and bags, boxes, and bins it for distribution

    2. Mannomatic stage: chooses which data to use, discards inappropriate data, adds proxy data where none exists, splices on new data to data that was truncated in stage 1.

    3. Kevinator stage: approves processed data from stage 2, declares it “robust” using a special stamping system….”

    That was a great Friday Funny by AW. (:

  82. Sparks says:

    Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to take you to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction, ’cause I don’t.

  83. Tommy E says:

    @James Bull …
    The best part of the video at 6:39 …

    A transcription with minor edits …
    All I wanted to say was this.
    My circuits are now irrevocably committed to calculating the answer to the ultimate question of Life, the Universe and Everything, but the program will take me a little while to run.
    – How long? –
    Seven and a half million years! I said I’d have to think about it.
    And it occurs to me that running a program like this is bound to create considerable interest in the whole area of popular philosophy.
    – Yes? – Keep talking.
    Everyone’s going to have his own theory about what answer I’m eventually going to come up with and who better to capitalise on that media market than you yourselves? So long as you can keep violently disagreeing with each other and slagging each other off in the popular press, and so long as you have clever agents, you can keep yourselves on the gravy train for life!
    – Bloody hell! Now, that’s what I call thinking!

    Well “riding the gravy train for life” pretty much sums up the intentions of the “97%” scientists.

    Cheers,
    Tommy

  84. Gamecock says:

    Hardware won’t fix a software problem.

Comments are closed.