April 30th, 2019
WORLD—A new update issued by watchdog groups on climate change indicated this afternoon that we only have 12 seconds left until climate change destroys the planet.
We previously thought we had just 12 years, then 10 years, but the latest update indicates that we have well under a minute.
“The earth will be totally destroyed in the next, oh, 12 seconds,” said Beto O’Rourke at a rally. “If you don’t give the government a bunch of money and power, it will happen. Trust me.”
“So hand over the cash, guys,” he said. “Like, now. I’m super serious.”