Cheesy Jokes for the April 29th March, recycled and improved
By Sam Kazman, Competitive Enterprise Institute
CEI doesn’t support recycling mandates, but there’s nothing wrong with voluntary recycling. And that’s what we’re doing here—recycling our March for Science jokes from last week for tomorrow’s People’s Climate March—with a few additions.
–Why did the People’s Climate marchers feel such a sense of déjà vu?
Because they were just here last week.
–Why did so many marchers wear heavy make-up?
To hide their decline.
–Why did the marcher walk smack into a tree that was right in front of him?
Because he refused to let an empirical observation get in his way.
–Why did hundreds of marchers kiss the feet of one woman?
Because she was a model.
–Why were so many of the marchers in tears?
Because they were far too sensitive.
–Why did several hundred science marchers bump into each other at a red light?
Because they refused to recognize that the march had paused.
–What percentage of the marchers had kale for lunch?
97%.
–What did the Mexican food vendor say when the marchers complained about his salsa?
“I don’t change my recipes; the salsa is settled.”
–Why won’t there be any People’s Climate Marches in countries named “People’s Republic of …”?
Because the marchers aren’t that crazy.
Who said wacky conspiracy theorist websites don’t have a sense of humour?!
[and who said people that OD on pointless carbon capture can’t get jokes? -mod]
But they do Kitty. The mankind’s conspiracy to warm the globe is the joke of the millennia.
Bless their LITTLE hearts….
Can we have a march for better jokes 🙂
One of my relatives took a comedy course. They had a couple of rules, one was “No Dad Jokes!” I guess that professional comedians think that’s about as low as you can go. Some dad jokes
My kids call them Mom Jokes. I say, “at least they’re clean, and you can tell them to children.” 🙂
I walked into my local pub the other day and asked the barmaid for a double-entendre – so she gave me one.
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Can I trees ring the doorbell?
That’s a joke all by itself.
Unless its The People’s Republic of Treacle Mine Road. May 25 is approaching, where’s my lilac? 🙂
I had forgotten. Some people suggested wearing a lilac on May 25 to commemorate Terry and raise money for Alzheimer’s. It was strange then to stumble across The Lilac Tree Centre- A treatment for mild to moderate Alzheimer’s Disease. link As far as I can google, it’s a coincidence.
But surely the marchers ARE that crazy!
With luck, in a few years our children won’t know what snowflakes are.
Einstein seemed to think they were infinite.
But they still have flakey role models
What’s the difference between a pious priest and a Warmist? One models worship and the other worships models.
97% of them are photosynthesis deniers.
I presume the reason none of MY jokes are reproduced is due to my refusal to let you have the underlying data.
Why would I share my jokes with you? You’d just find something wrong with them.
+10
How many climate marchers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Lights bulbs will only change via legislative mandates.
With 100% renewable power, who needs lightbulbs?
Alan Watt, Climate Denialist Level 7
With 100% renewable power, who has the energy to use a lightbulb?
Hey, I’ll have you know that solar powered light bulbs are great for leading you down the garden path.
You’ll need wind turbines to blow out the candles.
The “People’s Climate March”. If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about this event, then you have cotton wool between the ears.
Another punchline to the light bulb joke (wrote this one many decades ago):
A. Actually, they would prefer that we all remain in the dark.
Most of those jokes require intimate knowledge of the issues to get the humor. Funny things though, most of the people marching won’t get the jokes, just like all of them do not know how the “97%” thing came to be.
Also known as “inside jokes”.
I really don’t know why you don’t do a walk for “Global Warming is Cool”.
I Global Warming was cool, would it still be Global Warming?
Groooooooooooooooooaaaaan. Those jokes suck like a fruit bat on an overripe mango.
Time flies like an arrow, just as fruit flies like a banana.
Did you ever see a house fly?
Classic question: If a tree falls in a forest and no-one is there to listen – does it make any noise?
This climate March may prove a similar question:
If a terrorist shoots at scientists and no-one is there to investigate – does it break the law?
Answer: Yes. The Law will be broken beyond repair.
It cannot hold firm if it’s open season on science. Which may well be demonstrated.
If a man speaks in a forest and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
Ahh mate, we all know that answer…or at least the married ones do.
The only correct answer in a relationship is “yes dear”
(My wife isn’t like that, but I have seen such things in the wild)
There are three universal constants. The speed of light, absolute zero, and the man is always wrong (otherwise, his universe self-destructs).
Her: “Not tonight dear.”
Him: “Yes dear.”
Owen: In my marriage I always make sure I have the last word(s): ‘Sorry dear’.
If the most important Yamal tree falls over, will we get our Little Ice Age and Medieval Warm Period back?
Michael Mann, Bill Nye and Al Gore were comparing statistics. Mann said, “I think it’s rising at 1.8 mm per year.”
Bill said, “I can top that, I say it’s rising at 3 mm per year.”
Al said, “I can beat that by a mile. I have 5 houses all of the world, including 2 at sea level; I fly private jets where and whenever I want. I’m worth over a quarter billion dollars and I won a Nobel prize. One of my movies won two academy awards and I’m credited with inventing the internet. Mine rises over a foot in a minute just by mentioning a masseuse, but best of all, I have a nipple ring.”
Mann says, “We were talking about sea level.”
Al said, “I can beat that…
I say it’s rising at 10 mm per year!
And I can afford to lay a wall one brick higher every three years.
Your dick joke has too many dicks.
+ Idon’t know, a bunch, 🙂
Bill Nye, Michael Mann and Doug Cotton are on an expedition in Antarctica and are all together sharing some soup in a tent. Mann says “Is it hot in here or is it just me?”, “I dunno” says Bill “What gender are you?” . “BOLLOCKS !” says Another Scientist “The answer is in my book which shows clearly how simple physics explains it all in a way which any student can understand.
Ever since the 19th century when Loschmidt suggested that a thermal gradient would evolve in a
solid, liquid or gas in a gravitational field the issue has been debated and, more often than not,
dismissed. For example, Maxwell at the time just thought it would violate the Second Law of
Thermodynamics if there were a warmer region at the base of a column of air.
We need to look more closely at this law, which was first stated by Clausius back in 1850. His
statement read “No process is possible whose sole result is the transfer of heat from a body of lower
temperature to a body of higher temperature.” This statement is indeed correct if the bodies are
at the same level or altitude, but we need to consider what happens when a gravitational field is
present. If there is in fact a thermal gradient, then we have to explain why the original Clausius
statement of the Second Law of Thermodynamics seems to be violated if isothermal conditions did
not develop.Elsewhere in Wikipedia we find a newer statement of the Second Law of Thermodynamics
It reads “An isolated system, if not already in its state of thermodynamic equilibrium,spontaneously
evolves towards it.Thermodynamic equilibrium has the greatest entropy amongst the states
accessible to the system.”Physicists have realised that kinetic energy (KE) does not tell the full story. As we saw above,molecules have other energy and, in particular, in our isolated cylinder of nitrogen we need to account for gravitational potential energy (PE) which can interchange with KE, just as happens
when a pendulum swings back and forth, or a stone is thrown into the air. But why have they
not said that energy just needs to be conserved, as is the theme of the First law of Thermodynamics?”
“My soup is frozen solid !” says Dr.Mann.
Jokester: What’s the difference between a deaf man and an idiot.
Clueless: I don’t know.
Jokester: Huh?
Clueless: I said, “I don’t know.”
Jokester: Huh?
…
(Usually at this point the clueless catch on.)
One of the things I love about this site: a little bit of humor gets mixed with science. Kind of the opposite of Big Bang Theory, which mixes a little bit of science with humor. Still good. As opposed to Scorpion, which has no science, no humor, but is beloved by my wife. Always makes me squirm. She doesn’t allow me to point out all the baloney. So many interruptions when I do that, and she can’t follow the story line.
Still love “An neutron walks into a bar and asks the barkeep “How much for a beer”, to which the barkeep replies “For you, no charge.”
Mine is:
The barman says “we don’t serve faster than light particles in here”
A tachyon walls into a bar…
A somewhat ruffled, intersecting compressed sphere of twine walks into a bar. The bartender says, ” Hey, we don’t serve balls of string here!” The twine replied, “I’m afraid not”.
I’m here all week. Try the veal.
Dr. Pavlov walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he tips the bartender, the bartender rings a bell behind the bar. Dr. Pavlov then shouts, “Oh my God! I forgot to feed my dog.”
Sorry, but all the jokes here are terrible.
My favorite joke.
An Irishman applies for a job on building site. The foreman asks him
“what is the difference between a joist and a girder”
The irishman replies;
” Oh, to be sure thats easy, Joyce wrote Ulysees and Goethe wrote Faust”
Boom boom.
Reminds me of the semester I studied English Lit. Where most of the writing was by Irishmen.
Ooh! Groan!
What’s an Irish seven course dinner?
A six-pack and a potato.
Ulysses…
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because she knew that no one would shoot her on the left side of the road?
The duck was about to cross the road whe the chicken went up to it . “Don’t do it!” said the chicken ” You’ll never hear the last of it!”
The same duck went to a druggist and asked for some lip balm.
“How will you pay for this?” Asked the druggist.
“Just put it on my bill.”
But why would a duck need *lip* balm? I don’t get it. Why couldn’t the joke be about a penguin asking for polar bear repellent or something?
World’s shortest joke (and one of my favorites):
A baby seal walks into a club…
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he would like drink. Descartes said, “I think not,” then disappeared.
Why did the ram fall off the cliff?
Because he failed to see the ewe turn.
Did this unprecedented event set a new record for the most pointless Carbon Footprint?
How did the Arctic wildlife researcher know that a polar bear had walked through her campfire ashes? By its carbon footprint.
“–Why won’t there be any People’s Climate Marches in countries named “People’s Republic of …”?
Because the marchers aren’t that crazy.”
And still they want to turn the USA into a People’s Republic of the USA… go figure…
A little girl was talking to her teacher about climate change.
The teacher said this is the first anthropogenic climate change we ever had.
The little girl stated that the biblical flood was another.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that it is the first; at that time it was impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Noah”.
The teacher asked, “What if Noah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.
I laughed at that one, Latitude. Good one.
– Why won’t there be any People’s Climate Marches in countries named “People’s Republic of …”?
– Because they are already communist.
The People’s climate march in Denver is on snow delay.
https://denverclimatemarch.org/?gclid=Cj0KEQjw0IvIBRDF0Yzq4qGE4IwBEiQATMQlMV2sWm1f1eBOAUYSD9kKYhdYyBwRzYK7XNgmHjqhv1gaAlM-8P8HAQ
How many “Climate Change” supporters does it take to change a light globe?
None. There are no lights.
Why call them Climate Chiropractors?
Because they overcharge for questionable manipulations and adjustments.
Niiiice!!
Except that chiropractors aren’t all complete and total charlatans.
Reading the article and then the comments, it’s pretty obvious that science is not a fertile source for humor.
Craig. Hope this changes your mind.
There are three types of people:
Those who believe in climate change and those who deny it.
There’s three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can’t.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those that understand binary and those that don’t.
Craig is this any better?
How do you stop B Nye from whining and jumping around in the back seat?
Move him to the front seat.
If you don’t like this jokes, I have a better one for you.
Knock Knock
Go away!
Heisenberg was pulled over by a patrolman, but he could not fathom why. When the patrolman asked if he knew how fast he was going, Heisenberg collapsed into tears and cried out– I kept getting lost!
Particle/wave duality is like a Roadrunner cartoon. The Coyote can observe the wave properties, the frequency or speed, of a truck from the highway shoulder, but only by stepping onto the highway does he collapse the wave function and observe the particle properties, the location and/or momentum, of the truck.
Along with odd behavior of trucks, the time lags between various body parts accelerating, the lag between walking off an edge and changing vertical energy levels, as well as the frequency of the Roadrunner tunneling through walls, the value of Plank’s Constant is much larger in Roadrunner cartoons than in real life.
I don’t know how you can say that when I have refused to let you see the data.
Dyslexic Climate Change Marchers Untie!
HmmmmMan….I am going to sell all my stuff before I die. Wife….Why do that? Man…..When I die you’ll probably remarry and I don’t want some asshole using my stuff. Wife….What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?
O/T copied from another thread but didn’t copy the name.
During a recent trip to the United States, Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians. She spoke for almost an hour on her plans for Scotland and Europe. At the conclusion of her speech, the crowd presented her with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name – Walking Eagle. A very chuffed Nicola then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds Nicola Sturgeon. A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of sh.t that it can no longer fly.
Even funnier, the march here in Denver will be in almost a foot of SNOW. Nothing says Global Warming better than snow. Will Al Gore be here?
Bill Nye “Is Not The Right” Guy Would Prefer an Ice Age Over the Current Warming
The Nation Magazine didn’t even grasp that if what Bill Nye said is true, CO2 is the greatest gift man has ever been given. Forget New York flooding in 10,000 years due to global warming, New York would be covered in ice after just a few years of an ice age. Societies collapse and die during ice ages, they thrive during warming periods. Liberals are so blinded by their ideology they don’t even understand how insane their positions are. Possible death 10,000 years in the future due to warming, or certain death during an ice age. Bill Nye makes is sound like the certainty of death and misery during an ice age is preferable to continued warmth.
https://co2islife.wordpress.com/2017/04/29/bill-nye-is-not-the-right-guy-would-prefer-an-ice-age-over-the-current-warming/
Ha-ha, what a joke this so called ‘science walk’ is… No wonder, actually, as the ‘science guy’ is on, he’s a [bad] joke by birth and since…
Anyway, a [true?] story about thermodynamics goes:
A professor in thermodynamics gave his graduates an examination query consisting of one single question: “Is Hell exothermic (releases heat) or endothermic (absorbing heat)? Prove your theory!”
Most of the students referred to the Boyles law – a gas will cool at expansion and heat up at compression – and/or similar law.
One student, however, wrote the following:
“Firstly, we have to define how the mass of Hell is changed over time. Thus, we must know the number and pace of soles entering and leaving Hell. I assume that when a sole has entered Hell, it will not leave, thus no soles leave Hell.
As to the number of soles arriving in Hell, we need to examine the different religions in the World. Some of these say that if you’re none of us, you will end up in Hell. As there is more than one religion saying just that and as Man very seldom confesses to more than one religion, we can assume that everyone will end up in Hell. Considering the birth and death rates of today the number of soles in Hell will increase exponentially.
Next, we have to consider the changes of volume of Hell as Boyles law says that, if temperature and pressure are to be kept the same, the volume has to increase as new soles arrive. This gives us two possible solutions:
1. If Hell increases slower than the pace of soles arriving, the temperature and pressure will increase until (the whole) Hell breaks loose.
2. If, on the other hand, Hell expands faster than the pace of new soles arriving, the temperature and pressure will sink until Hell freezes to ice.
So, what is relevant? If we consider the basic principle given to me by the beautiful young lady Therese Banyan during my first year here: “Hell will freeze to ice before I go to bed with you” and then consider the fact that I have not been successful in establishing a sexual relation with her, alternative two above can not be relevant.
Thus, Hell has to be exothermic.”
This student was the only one getting the top grade in class.
Brgds from Sweden/TJ
Thanks for that. Made my day.
The greatest comedienne Christiana Figueres is organising her farewell do.
http://newsroom.unfccc.int/unfccc-newsroom/unfccc-executive-secretary-to-step-down-in-july/
Is the Green Blob planning to rely on homeopathic electricity?
MSM: Dr Ehrlich, did you expect so many people to spontaneously turn out for this global March?
Dr E: No, I didn’t even know there were this many people still in the world.
–Why won’t there be any People’s Climate Marches in countries named “People’s Republic of …”?
Because leftist marchers didn’t want to take a shot at it.
What did the Climate Seance marcher say when Bill Nye blew in its ear?
“Thanks for the refill!”