Andy Pattullo reports, November 14, 2013, Warsaw
This week UN delegates opened the current Warsaw Climate change Conference with hopes of engineering a renewed agreement to curb human-driven global warming just as effective as the last, however a new and catastrophic issue is emerging which threatens to derail the impressive progress made to date. Having reviewed the models of CO2 driven global warming from the First Assessment Report (FAR) IPCC scientists have discovered that General Circulation Models attribute most of the warming not to CO2 but to water vapor in the atmosphere. While it was initially understood that any rise in water vapor was directly attributable to a rise in CO2 it now appears there are many other human activities driving a rise in atmospheric water vapor, by far the most important greenhouse gas. IPCC Scientists expressed significantly increased certainty that their 95% confidence intervals include the plausibility that natural processes play no role.
A Mannian statistical analysis of growth rings harvested from wooden hockey sticks in the Sports Hall of Fame confirms the role of rising water vapor as it clearly demonstrates a strong correlation between the rise of professional ice sports and the attendant increased use of artificial ice with the rise in global temperatures. The changes are described as unprecedented since the keeping of official hockey statistics began. The presumed mechanism appears related in part to the high humidity emissions of Zamboni ice conditioning equipment and an excess of spilled beer. The new information substantially changes some of the FAR conclusions such that an amended document, the First Assessment Report Two, is expected within months. (The summary for policy makers was published last May.)
Thus efforts to curb human CO2 emissions may fail to impact the worrying trend in global temperatures of the past 17 years and we can expect much of the same in coming decades unless new actions are taken. It now appears necessary to develop initiatives aimed directly at human induced atmospheric humidity and many believe there will be related announcements in the coming week.
During a recent Suzuki Foundation event raising funds for the Clooney and Hannah Antarctic Polar Bear Relocation Project, 36 out of 37 randomly selected scientists stated in the affirmative that they had no knowledge of evidence refuting unfounded speculation that the EPA would be tabling regulations in the coming months to restrict the emissions of water vapor from transportation, electrical generation, agriculture and bipedal mammals. This 97% scientific consensus confirms the likelihood of near term climate protection regulations with wide ranging impacts that may include but are not limited to:
– A ban of power plant cooling towers not equipped with yet to be designed humidity extraction equipment.
– A comprehensive framework of regulations to govern agricultural irrigation. (An exemption for bio fuel ethanol crops is expected).
– A gradual decommissioning of all outdoor swimming pools, water parks, bird baths, drinking fountains and surfing beaches.
– A tax on exhaled air directly proportional to body mass and the inverse of ambient relative humidity. (Water credits will be earnable for periods of breath holding up to 3 hours in each 24 hour period and will be combined with parallel credits for reduced personal CO2 emissions assuming breath holding can be sustained without corporal decomposition.)
– An international humidity trading market. (This will likely be protested as unfair by less developed nations due to the higher atmospheric water content of tropical zones, however the proposal has strong support from a coalition of Arab and North African states and Texas which collectively feel those other nations should be forced to pay for their disproportionate contribution to the climate crisis.)
– A ban of hydrogen fuel cell vehicles.
– Mandated installation of mechanical wipers and water traps on any solar panel installations subject to precipitation.
– A multinational initiative to spread liquid hydrocarbons over large bodies of water to inhibit evaporation.
More effective solutions may also be on the way. A broad coalition of energy resource companies, in a move designed to partially atone for past climate degradation, has worked for years on geo-engineering solutions to the rapidly expanding hydro pollution crisis. This reporter now has exclusive insight into the most promising near term solution. The industry partners will be seeking a multi-billion dollar federal stimulus bill in support of exploratory work on a water-as-vapor extraction and storage system (WAVES). While many aspects of the technology remain under covers the central discovery is a novel patented mechanism to convert heat-trapping water vapor to a stable liquid which can be pumped underground at high pressure for long term storage.
Analysts speculate that heavily drilled shale formations are the most likely storage locations given available technology. The stabilization of the liquefied water vapor will be assisted by the addition of sand and proprietary chemicals which will also serve to fissure the shale formations creating enhanced storage capacity. Additionally the simultaneous extraction of “blocking” liquid and gaseous hydrocarbons from these formations will further grow capacity while providing a saleable byproduct to help fund future expansion of the process thus diminishing reliance on federal subsidies. Industry insiders predict the technology may ultimately be profitable with only modest government support within 15 years.
The head of the IPCC is rumored to have endorsed the technology, stating categorically that it was every bit as safe for the environment as windmills and bio fuels. Several environmental groups including the World Wildlife fund and Friends of the Earth have campaigned at the UN to have this technology move forward sooner in order to prevent the catastrophic submersion of the South Pacific island nation of Tuvalu which climate models reliably predict will occur 10:15 AM Saturday March 11, 2017.
Finally India and China in a rare show of international cooperation announced an agreement brokered by the IPCC chair to discuss an ambitious project that would see black carbon and spent nuclear fuel spread widely across Himalayan glaciers so as to dissolve this important potential future source of atmospheric humidity and return it safely to the oceans. The IPCC chair assured this reporter that “with any luck the glaciers will be gone by 2035.”
Haha, absolutely brilliant!
Andy Patullo,
LOL.
I’m going to buy a TON of shares in plastic wrap — they will most certainly be using it to cover the entire Pacific Ocean!
Buy now!
Sign me,
Bullish for …. PETROLEUM PRODUCTS (heh, heh)
Great parody. Thanks
Damn that dihydrogen monoxide!
I just knew that beer I spilled at the hockey game back in the 80’s was going to come back and haunt me….
You know what is sad…I was at the end of the first paragraph before I realized this was satirical. While the content is outlandish, the content of actual press coverage of these events is almost as outlandish as this excellent post. Scary and hysterical. Well done!
I’m glad you are joking or Canada would declare war on whoever was backing this anti-hockey nonsense. Zamboni is next to god up in the great white north!! He is better known than the pope in Quebec and deified in the rest of country.
So all those pics of cooling towers were right all along?
Who’d have thunk it!
/sarc
I propose an immediate ban of dihydrogen monoxide in gaseous form now before it’s too late!
This thesis is all wet, said Tom drily.
There are two molecules of dihydrogen monoxide created for every molecule of carbon dioxide when methane CH4 is combusted (burned). So, burning fossil fuels is the worst, creating more of the pollutants – water vapor and carbon dioxide.
I hope I’m going to be able to clean up my monitor enough to use it. My keyboard and clothing are total losses. I may have to put new carpeting down. Andy and Anthony, you two both owe me!!!!
R. de Haan says:
November 14, 2013 at 8:09 pm
Great parody. Thanks
—————————————————-
What makes you think that the green left would see this as anything but serious?
At first I thought this was a nonsense post — but the more I read the more I recognized modern realities and philosophies.
I have reached a new level of understanding.
Thank you!
Credit for this line must absolutely go to jorgekafkazar who used it a couple of threads back. It’s just too good not to repeat it here:
O, the humidity!
O/T but this is worth a look, Matt Ridley and Bjorn Lomborg speaking in Australia at the CD Kemp lecture, hosted by the Institute of Public Affairs. http://pindanpost.com/2013/11/15/dr-ridley-freedom-and-optimism-triumphant-humanity/
The ‘skeptical environmentalist’ and the ‘rational optimist’, together.
You really had me going until “Mannian hockey stick statistical analysis”! Well done!
if you burn oil or gas…more than twice as many molecules of H2O are released compared to CO2… so maybe coal is best after all
You forgot that there must also be a mandatory ban on all car washes, washing machines and dishwashers, which create on the order of 10.314 gigatons of excess water vapor per second, which is equivalent to 10 Hiroshima bombs going off every millisecond….squared….or is it cubed…; anyway, it’s really, really bad.
If your plates and clothes get too moldy and stinky, just have your dog lick them clean or use dry rocks to beat them clean as our ancestors did….
If that doesn’t work, go naked, eat with your hands and pound your car to smithereens with the dry rocks and walk….
This is the least evil humans can do to SAVE THE PLANET!!!!
Are we not men? We are DEVO!
Dihydrogen monoxide dooooom?
Not a problem. I will simply offset my luxurious and indulgently long shower times with Nigerian water credits….which are conveniently perforated and hang on a roll on the bathroom wall. Buying a smug/sanctimony hybrid Prius Zamboni might be going a little too far. The truly virtuous do not need such displays of public prayer!
Bloody hell! You had me going! It’s not April 1st or anything!
LOL.
Did you say….. ZAMBONI?!!
A tribute to its inventor:
Engineers are so cool! #(:))
On a slightly more serious note, the number of these parodies of the global warming / climate change faith and ideology that are now quite openly and brazenly taking the complete mickey out the alarmists and their beliefs and claims has been increasing at a very rapid clip over the last few months.
And there seems to be very little reaction from the warmists so far to these often quite hilarious and the metaphorically deep knife twisting parodies of their CAGW religion.
Although perhaps their alarmists usual access to the MSM to give vent to their righteous indignation and howls of horror over the sheer utterly disgusting, insulting and slighting of their holy faith and ideology might be in the process of being cut right back by large sections of the MSM.
The cut backs from the former allowing of the CAGW ideologists to have open slather to the MSM could be a recognition that just maybe all the alarmist’s over the top claims and the past political responses of politicians to those claims of the alarmists are now creating immense economic and societal damage and with no increases in global temperatures admitted by even leading alarmist scientists for going on 15 years, and with no visible, observed or confirmed effects on the trends of any past increasing global temperatures on the global climate, an increasing portion of the MSM might well be starting to quietly hedge it’s bets about the validity of so much of the alarmist claims by just quietly pushing the worst and most intemperate of the alarmist press releases into a corner somewhere to be conveniently lost.
And maybe sections of the MSM have also quietly decided it might be a much safer for them and a better policy from the MSM’s perspective to provide space for the more skeptical elements to have a say rather than find themselves trapped in deep public opinion cul de sac that strikes at the heart of what’s left of their credibility if all the claims of CAGW are proven to be no more than an artifact of some very bad computer models as many skeptics are claiming.
All or some of which might account for the apparently very subdued response to these amusing and highly destructive to the alarmist’s meme, parodies of the global warming alarmists religion and ideology and their chicken entrail prophecies of an immediate catastrophic future for the planet “unless we do something”..
SAMURAI says:
November 14, 2013 at 9:47 pm
“…which is equivalent to 10 Hiroshima bombs going off every millisecond….squared….or is it cubed…; anyway, it’s really, really bad.”
ROFL…
Janice Moore says: “Did you say….. ZAMBONI?!! Engineers are so cool! #(:))”
Well…yeah.
Larry the Cable Guy on Global Warmin’
(smile and a wave to Kevin M from 10:28am, 11/14/13 on Curry comments… thread) #(:))
THIS is why there is hope. This is what the average “Joe” and “Maria” thinks — and they vote.
(Yes, Dr. Svalgaard, I noticed that he doesn’t articulate the science of the Sun with accuracy.)
Jorge K. says:…
Oh, yes, and so modest, too. 😉
Seriously, you SHOULD be proud!
The trouble is the IPCC has been too successful! It has only been in existence for 25 years and it stopped the global warming after only 8 years. The IPCC really needs another mission in life. It might even have to become redundant if it doesn’t find a new mission soon. The problem with the suggested demonization of di-hydrogen monoxide is that it doesn’t really cut the ice. It is not scary enough. Surely the IPCC can find another big bad wolf out there somewhere. Perhaps it’s dressed in a sheepskin coat and ugg boots because it is getting too cold!
It is entirely possible to sequester considerable quantities of solid state Dihydrogen Monoxide in a 2 miles thick layer over Northern continents. Additional benefits are decreasing sea level by some 400 feet, opening up large swaths of novel beachfront property this way and covering the globe into a beneficial layer of Aeolian (air-borne) Dust.
You had me going until I reached Mann. (YUCK, Now I have to go and use some of the precious dihydrogen monoxide to wash my hands.)
I think these are very serious issues. Imagine, for instance, that we humans are humidifying farmlands during the summer, with all that H20, trapping in summer heat. And Windmills are definitely evil. They slow down the wind, and we all know that wind cools things off. And if we ever were to implement real solar. We would reduce the temperatures of natural heat shedding regions like deserts, to push that heat into cooler areas, which can not shed heat as readily.
We MUST stop farming.
April the 1st already ! Winter was over quickly, must have missed Christmas as well.
Very droll, but be careful – you might give them ideas.
Heavy water was not excluded?
Still have the issue that the IPCC is full of BS with the 95% claim even with the 2 curves diverging severely. I dare say if there is an AR6 report with even more CO2(and healthier plants) and a dip in temperatures, which I will bet will occur, they will claim the magic 97% certainty and jump up and down that the tipping point is just around the corner. The little wings will flap and the nappies will be soiled in the grand tantrum.Crocodile tears and emotional blackmail will flow like beer at a buck’s night.
The entire modus operandi is exactly as would be expected from an habitual liar- more and more absurd claims to support the platform of lies from day one, all trading on the respectability created in the groundwork. The more respectable the liar makes themselves out to be(UN goes to extraordinary lengths) the longer it takes for that trust to be shattered and the jig to be up. The stakes of the scam are also considerably greater, like all Ponzi schemes.
“A multinational initiative to spread liquid hydrocarbons over large bodies of water to inhibit evaporation.”
That should please all those ships out there that like ditching their waste in the oceans.
The only thing that can change is the weather. Everything else, mass of the atmosphere, radiating temperatures, moisture content of the atmosphere overall, global precipitation, is approximately constant. But outside factors can influence the configuration of the convection cells, where its sunny, where its cloudy, when and where it rains and how much, and these things are important to us. It is useless to think that the atmospheric constants can be changed; the physical parameters of our atmosphere are fixed. All we can do is learn to predict the weather farther into the future, and learn to adapt. The present article advocates an unending age of foolishness, promulgated by ignorant individuals interested in political power and personal wealth.
“Warsaw COP19 report – there’s something in the water … ”
Fish?
Good parady there Andy! I though, oh cr.p!, what now, had me on that first paragraph.
And me not to laugh, because the Warsaw Conference Climate change COP19 reminds me this publication about Groupthink in Academia – the humanities and social sciences (http://www.independent.org/publications/tir/article.asp?a=731) and especially these quotes are suitable – for me, “the fact” of what happens there:
“When a group of people who respect each other’s opinions arrive at a unanimous view, each member is likely to feel that the belief must be true. This reliance on consensual validation tends to replace individual critical thinking and reality-testing”
“Academic professions develop elaborate scholastic dogmas to justify the omission of challenging or intractable ideas.”
“Closed-Mindedness.”
“Symptoms of Defective Decision Making:
– Incomplete Survey of Alternatives,
– Incomplete Survey of Objectives,
– Failure to Reappraise Initially Rejected Alternatives.”
“Poor Information Search, Selective Bias in Processing Information at Hand Classical-liberal and conservative ideas are often ignored, dismissed by way of elaborate dogmas, or treated only in false caricature.”
…
If anyone wants to invest I have a plan for H2O sequestration. I plan to bury it in the sea.
Bad news for the Warsaw gathering, Japan has drastically scaled back its target for reducing greenhouse gas emissions. The earlier goal of a 25 percent reduction from the 1990 level has been revised to a 3 percent increase over 1990 emissions.
http://news.yahoo.com/japan-dials-back-climate-change-emissions-target-072147653–finance.html
” … the Clooney and Hannah Antarctic Polar Bear Relocation Project …”
====================================================
They’re good, those celebs. It’s worked already!!! 😀
^^…by 2020
Ha… you all laugh now ………………………………
But you wait until Al Gore gets a hold of this idea !!
Or, even worse….. Obama !!!!
The first para is pure Greenie – The Guardian would be proud of it. I almost gave up at the end of the first para but the second was much more reassuring. A magnificent satire from someone with a profound understanding of the issues. Next stop, google Andy Patullo and see what else he’s wrought.
Betchya got half the Green readers getting-off over these imaginations…..
but….
its all just tinkering still.
The cause of excess heat is the Sun so lets just snuff it and use our huge store of geothermal energy to generate just what we need and where….
there should be more than enough core heat to see us through to around Red Giant time anyway…
Next!
OK, you had me till I spotted the mann-ia.
“IPCC Scientists expressed significantly increased certainty that their 95% confidence intervals include the plausibility that natural processes play no role.”
As Prof Salby said in Edinburgh “it is impossible” that
Finding 9: “All these increases [in CO2 from pre-industrial times] are caused by human activity”
or: “The increase in atmospheric CO2 concentration is known to be caused by human activities because the character of CO2 in the atmosphere, in particular the ratio of its heavy to light carbon atoms, has changed in a way that can be attributed to addition of fossil fuel carbon.” (IPCC AR4)
Link to report of Salby’s lecture: http://scottishsceptic.wordpress.com/2013/11/13/report-lecture-by-prof-salby-7th-nov-2013/
J Martin says: November 14, 2013 at 11:46 pm
A sad note, indeed! But never fear … in remembrance of brighter COPs past (and future), I invite you to sing along to <shameless plug alert>
‘Tis the season to be gloomy … an annotated climate carol
April 1st is it?
Great stuff!
A parody that sure puts an early spike into the ‘world is short of fresh water’ mantra the greenbrains are starting to parrot.
The UN climate talks in Warsaw, Poland, were faced with a new crisis on Friday, after Japan, the world’s fifth largest greenhouse gas emitter, slashed its plans to reduce emissions from 25% to just 3.8% on 2005 figures.
http://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2013/nov/15/japan-scaling-back-cut-greenhouse-gases
The more the merrier! But why not just drop the pretence altogether?
I blame all those cows urinating! have you seen how much they each do.
Please don’t give them any ideas, I like my eggs poached.
I think that is the ‘warm swamps’ that we have been adding to the planet in the last few centuries that is the main cause of both the higher humidity and at least some of the extra CO2 we are now seeing measured.
How big an area are these ‘swamps’ you ask? About a total surface area of between 70 square metres (750 sq ft) to 100 square metres (1076.39 sq ft) (8,4 x 8,4 m) — roughly the same area as one side of a tennis court — times 5 Billion and (say) 20 square metres * 2 Billion which gives 415 Billion square metres or so, all sitting at at about 37 degrees centigrade and close to 100% humidity with a pulsating, gentle breeze flowing over them.
The rise in the area of these ‘swamps’ quite closely matches the rises in the observed levels of CO2, water vapor and global temperature as given by the IPCC so the science on this cannot be at doubt.
are you sure you dont work on the editorial board of the onion???
Janice Moore says (November 14, 2013 at 10:07 pm): “Did you say….. ZAMBONI?!!”
Thanks, Janice. Not being from Canada, I had no idea how it works, so Iooked it up:
http://www.zamboni.com/faqs/how-does-the-zamboni-ice-resurfacing-machine-work/
And here’s Willis Eschenbach’s take on a proposed “climate Zamboni”:
http://wattsupwiththat.com/2010/05/12/every-silver-lining-has-a-cloud/
From the article:
“This 97% scientific consensus confirms the likelihood of near term climate protection regulations with wide ranging impacts that may include but are not limited to:
[snip]
– A multinational initiative to spread liquid hydrocarbons over large bodies of water to inhibit evaporation.”
Been there, done that:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Burning_World
Advocates of CAGW setting examples by sequestering their own breath. 🙂
Uh, Pochas (at 1:57 am today)? (ahem) just FYI: the article is parody. Seriously. I gotta hand it to you (if you read the other commenters’ posts), though, you are admirably uninfluenced by peer pressure… .
Take it down! Take it down! Take it down! Cook is already combing the data base for abstracts that include the words “water” “moisture” “vapor” and “humidity”!!! It will only be weeks before the White House tweets their consensus!!! And Dana is already working on rebuttals to this post for the SS Warmitopia…..noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
My favorite was the First Assessment Report Two (FART). A close second was the Antarctic Polar Bear Relocation Project. Wonderful spoof!
the news out of Japan is wonderful. should get a thread of its own! it’s time for the fightback to really begin.
Here is the real George Loony. He is doing all he can to reduce his noxious human fumes. ‘Heeees leeeeain’ on a (private) jet plane, don’t know when he’ll be back again.’
http://notrickszone.com/2013/11/12/multi-millionaire-private-jet-setting-hollywood-actor-george-clooney-requests-worlds-poor-to-forego-cheap-energy/
When I come to WUWT I don’t always have the time to read all the Posts, let alone the comments.
I wish I’d read this sooner so I could have joined in on the fun.
But, to Andy Pattullo, well done!
Just announced on MSNBC.
Obama is proposing a total ban on hot showers and baths. The release of water vapor into surrounding atmospheres, especially in urban areas, has created significant levels of air pollution, compounding global warming and creating catastrophic conditions surely leading to out of control climate. A side note: At the same time, groups of elderly nursing home residents with dried flowers attached to long whispy strands of hair were taped dancing nude in the streets as Obama’s proposal hit the airwaves.
Fox News has just announced an air quality alert. Reports indicate that nursing homes appear to be partly responsible, with the state of California reporting the worst cases. Area residents living close to nursing homes are advised to stay indoors till further notice.
I read on Tory Aardvark blog, the Cop 19 is collapsing from the withdrawal of Japan and Australia from providing funds to the UN Climate Fund. Gud. Now they are lobbying Poland, as P has big coal reserves, and doubtfully will go along with this too. So the EU looks as if it won’t go along with it either without them. Gud. Well done Anthony.