G. P. Bear goes to Washington: part 4

By Bill Steigerwald

“Polar bear democracy”

Of all the animals the Inuit traditionally hunted, Nanuk, the polar bear, was the most prized. Native hunters considered Nanuk to be wise, powerful, and “almost a man.” Some called the bear “the great lonely roamer.” Many tribes told legends of strange polar-bear men that lived in igloos. These bears walked upright, just like men, and were able to talk. Natives believed they shed their skins in the privacy of their homes.

– Polar Bears International

TASIILAQ, EAST GREENLAND

The town meeting was bubbling with excitement as 400 polar bears sat on the uncomfortable metal folding chairs set up on the floor of the Southeast Greenland High School gym.

“My plan is quite simple,” began Grandpa, standing at a podium in front of the assembled bears. Next to him was a large nautical map that showed Greenland, the Labrador Current and the East Coast of the United States. Mother and Junior sat to the side of the map on folding chairs.

“I intend to travel to Washington,” Grandpa said. “I’m going there to convince the politicians that global warming poses no threat to us and that we do not want to be placed on the Endangered Species list.”

Everyone began talking excitedly. Grandpa held up his hand to silence them.

“I will ride on an iceberg most of the way. And then ….”

“You can’t possibly ride an iceberg to Washington,” interrupted the Mayor, who sat at a long table with the town’s five frowning council members. Each of the officials had been darted and captured by wildlife scientists at least once and each wore matching radio tracking collars and yellow metal tags with serial numbers in both ears.

“Icebergs make it as far south as New York City all the time,” Grandpa replied, stabbing the map with his pointer. “In 1926, an iceberg reached Bermuda. And as you can see, the Labrador Current hugs the coast all the way to North Carolina.”

“But surely, with global warming, your iceberg will melt long before you get there,” the Mayor said skeptically.

“It’ll get us close enough. Then we’ll swim. It shouldn’t be more than 200 miles.”

“ ‘We’? ” the Mayor asked suspiciously. “Who is ‘we’?”

“My daughter and my grandson,” Grandpa said, nodding toward Mother and Junior. “I want the politicians pushing this foolish law to see exactly who will be harmed the most by it – our children and grandchildren who will lose their freedoms.”

“But you can’t just walk into the United States Senate,” said the Mayor. “You’ll be arrested. Or shot.”

“I’ve already solved that problem, Mayor,” said Grandpa, raising his voice over the murmuring crowd. “I’ve been communicating with a senator by e-mail. He’s invited me to appear on Dec. 18 as an expert witness during the hearings on the Endangered Species bill. I plan to leave in three days.”

Suddenly, Principal Jane Hansen stood up in the crowd and pointed at Grandpa.

“Sir, you are ignorant and backward. You are an embarrassment to all progressive polar bears. How can you deny what Al Gore and other great climate scientists have proven? We are in mortal danger from humans and the climate change they are causing. The global temperature data clearly shows that ….”

“Sit down, Hansen,” a bear hollered. “We don’t believe you or your phony computers. Garbage in, garbage out.”

“We cannot permit this, this, this … stupid old yellow bear to speak for us in Washington,” said Principal Hansen, who was so hot under her radio collar she collapsed in her chair.

“Why should we pay for your risky and quixotic scheme?” the Mayor asked Grandpa.

“I’m not asking taxpayers to pay a cent,” Grandpa said. “All I ask is that you let the citizens decide. I believe they will entrust me to faithfully represent their best interests in Washington.”

The gym exploded with cheers and thunderous applause. When a vote was taken, nearly every bear raised a forepaw in support of Grandpa. The only nay votes came from those wearing radio collars and yellow metal ear tags. The losers grumbled and growled, but there was nothing they could do.

The bears had spoken. G.P Bear was on his way to Washington.

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19 thoughts on “G. P. Bear goes to Washington: part 4

  1. perhaps Grandpa and the kids could plug their polar bear hands into the dorsal fin of a killer whale, join minds and ride the killer whales to Washington.

  2. Has Grandpa received the required Iceberg Handling Instruction and Certification from the Coast Guard? Will he have PFDs (Polarbear Floatation Devices) on the iceberg for sufficient for all passengers and crew? Distress markers? GPS-enabled Emergency Locators and spare batteries? How about cookies — will there be cookies?

  3. no cookies Bill Tuttle, they arent good for bears,
    BUT there will be Seal on a sticksicles:-) if your’e a good bear..

  4. Suddenly, Principal Jane Hansen stood up in the crowd and pointed at Grandpa.

    “Sir, you are ignorant and backward. You are an embarrassment to all progressive polar bears. How can you deny what Al Gore and other great climate scientists have proven? We are in mortal danger from humans and the climate change they are causing. The global temperature data clearly shows that ….”

    “Sit down, Hansen,” a bear hollered….

    I missed the first Hansen reference.
    I caught the second Hansen reference.
    Unfortunately, I was sipping coffee at the time.
    Fortunately I kept my mouth closed.
    The keyboard lives to type another comment.

  5. Labrador Current hugging the coast all the way to North Carolina?

    Nope. A bit of the cool water circulates anti-clockwise in the Gulf of Maine, but that kicks out to the east at Cape Cod where it meets the northern fringes of the Gulf Stream. The whole Mid-Atlantic and Southern New England coastline experiences an eastward moving onshore drift. If he goes by iceberg, he’s going to end up in the middle of the North Atlantic. Grandpa bear needs a better map — and airline tickets — if he wants to get to DC.

  6. gtrip says there aren’t enough posts showing up on this post; here’s one more for the ‘count’ thereby showing interest.

    QED
    .
    .

  7. Gary (05:46:02) :

    “Nope. A bit of the cool water circulates anti-clockwise…”

    Pa Bear seems pretty smart and he’s got weather, gps, etc. I’m sure he’ll work something out. Maybe hire some teen bears to paddle. Or row.

  8. Later at home as he lay down in bed for a brief Winter’s nap, Junior Bear reviewed some of the dangers the intrepid little envoy would soon face: “First, I must not eat any Human clad only in lettuce loin cloth ‘so as to raise consciousness’, because they have none and instead surely have Mad Cow Disease, and I would become just like them if were to make a snack of even their smallest part….” But soon he was fast asleep.

  9. “The only nay votes came from those wearing radio collars and yellow metal ear tags. ”

    Bill, I’m enjoying this winter’s tail greatly. And wish Grandpa and the kids the best for reaching the Congress. In the great Capra story is was scheming that brought Mr. Smith to Washington. With the express intention of using his naivete to game the system.

    But Smith was not the rube they took him for. He figured out how to write a bill and to sway the Congress and win the public mind. Grandpa would be right in his claim that AGW hasn’t affected his species as much as hunting bans. Polar bears dislike being used as political fodder. And maybe Grandpa’s appearance before Congress will convince them to remove the collars, quit hunting, and give the bears what belongs to them – their life back.

  10. I think it would be better if all the Polar Bears went to Washington, ate all the Senators and Representatives and fixed the problem once and for all.

  11. NotALiberal (12:28:47) :

    I think it would be better if all the Polar Bears went to Washington, ate all the Senators and Representatives and fixed the problem once and for all.

    Polar Bears don’t eat junk food nor would they drink the koolaid that said Senators and Representatives offer in liberal supply. Alas, any health conscious PB would starve on Capitol Hill. For this reason, Grandpa should be certain to pack an ample supply of baby harp seal-a-meals, MRE’s (Musk-oxen Ready to Eat), and cases of Glacier bottled water for the journey.

  12. Hank Hancock (13:09:45) :

    > Grandpa should be certain to pack an ample supply of baby harp seal-a-meals, MRE’s (Musk-oxen Ready to Eat), and cases of Glacier bottled water for the journey.

    Polar Beverages in Worcester, MA is a regional bottling company. They use a stylized PB as their logo but for the most part leave the PBs alone. I forgot to mention them in the Coke/Pepsi/save-the-PB row. They might be willing to give Grandpa a hand. Well, not to eat, but you know what I mean.

  13. Just great! maybe they could give the English idiot a lift to land, the one who believed Gore and Co that he could paddle a canoe to the north pole. Funny how this story has more credibility that the AGW crowd!!

  14. In another topic, some troll or other said that no one was paying any attention to these stories. I’ve read all four, but wanted to postpone comment until the last because… for some reason, it felt like interupting the storytelling to leave a comment so soon.

    That said, this one was indeed a riot! Only the tagged (deluded) were against…

    …Well, doesn’t THAT just figure! When I read that line, I instantly imagined a small group of grumpy, frowning bears, sitting with arms folded, feeling as if they’ve been made the fool. And of course the teacher… She probably would think that since GP Bear is fighting the Act, that he’s a “Big Hunting shill”, and therefore evil!

    And it’s such a timeless thing throughout human history. Fear driving the path to “safety” (but as Benjamin Franklin said… “He who would trade essential liberties for safety deserve neither liberty nor safety”). That’s how it always is, and only one has the mind to stand up to it all and say “enough!”

    This story is definitely not a flop, imo, and in a lot of ways, though the whole polar bear story is a modern one (the latest, i.e.), the story and it’s telling reminds readers that these kinds of things are not new. It feels both as history as well as the present, and makes the warmists look all the more silly and, most of all, vulnerable. All it is is fear, nothing more than that.

    And I wager that GP Bear will encounter a great wall of fearful resistence in DC.

    I look forward to it!

  15. Funny how this story has more credibility that the AGW crowd!!

    Yes. Despite their fantastic claims, I would certainly never give so much as a “thank you” to any such as Greenpeace, at least until after I’d finished off their last morsel. Please keep this a secret, though, because I’m “Endangered” doncha know, which does help provide me with some easy pickings from time to time…wink wink

  16. J.Peden (09:49:52) :
    …Junior Bear reviewed some of the dangers the intrepid little envoy would soon face: “First, I must not eat any Human clad only in lettuce loin cloth ’so as to raise consciousness’, because they have none…”

    And never eat the liver of a Democrat.

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